To go on the school trip or should I leave my child to go herself and hope for the best?

[Notsurewhatisbest]

Not really an AIBU but would appreciate any replies

My daughter is very clingy, will happily go to clubs etc without me but there is a school trip at the beginning of next year for 3 nights and she’s starting to worry about being away from me.

They are looking for parent helpers and I would happily help but I’m worried I’m making things worse and it would be better for her if I wasn’t there to learn to be more independent?

Shes 11 for reference.

Don’t go.

my dc had multiple diagnosed additional needs and I thought he’d never go on a residential. I thought he’d have to go as a “day camper”. His teacher was t having any of that and sat down with me over the course of three (!) meetings and we mapped out how to handle every minute from waking up to getting him to sleep.

he went without me, it was a huge success and the little hiccups were a great learning experience.

Your child will know that you aren’t really there to help all the others and it’s because of her, so by going you’d basically be telling her that you don’t believe she’s able to cope and that she does actually need you around overnight.

Your anxiety will undoubtedly be feeding hers, even if you think you’re doing a good job of hiding it. She needs to hear that you believe in her and that’s she’s perfectly capable and that you trust her teachers to look after her.

It’s bizarre that the school even allows this. Taking parents to supervise on residential trips is not ideal practice.

I was your child! I did go and I was wobbly at night but ultimately I did it… having said that, I’m not sure it ‘teaches’ you anything you’re not already going to learn with time? Obviously at 33 I don’t live with my mum 🤣 Honestly I would probably go, I agree with a previous poster who said it’s like stepping stones - yes she’s going to grow out of it one day but she will look back and know when she did find it hard her mum made sacrifices to make it easier.

I'm probably going against the grain but I'd go if I felt my child couldn't handle it otherwise. It depends on the child obviously, but I was the clingy child when I was little so I have some experience. I struggled with sleepovers and camps so much, and I was often collected early because I was hysterical. I'm not proud of it but I couldn't help it! I grew out of it by the age of 11-13 or thereabouts, and I have fond memories of successful sleepovers.

Anyway, we had a 6-night residential when we were 12 and I really wanted to go, but also I was terrified. Like seriously stressing. In the end my dad volunteered as a helper, and he and another dad came with us. It was ace. I got to do my own thing and not worry, and everyone thought the dads were the shit (they are fun dads lol). The trip was great and no one even suggested my dad was there because I was a crybaby (even though I totally was).

My dad is a legend. 😍

@BiscuitDreams see this is what I mean!! Your dad was a total legend, what a lovely memory! 🥰

I have had three children all go through this sort of school residential aged 11 in their last year at Primary (in Scotland), it's a rite of passage for them. Parent helpers were not a thing for them, it was them and the teachers and they either went, or didn't.

Part of your job as a parent is to prepare your child for an independent future. To give her confidence, resilience and an ability to "feel the fear and do it anyway". Going away overnight on a school trip with your friends is such a common thing to do at this age. Very few children will be unable to cope with the idea of being away from home, out of the 90 children in my kids' classes, I think there were 2 who couldn't/wouldn't go.

You have time to give her the tools to be confident enough to do this without you and have a great time.

As they are looking for parent helpers, I would go in your situation. If it will give her the confidence to sleep away from home, knowing you are close by and will see her at some point during the day, I think that would be a brilliant way for her to get some independence, she is more likely to be able to sleep in the dorm without being upset and join in the activities if you are there.

I have a daughter with medical needs and I stayed at a B and B nearby so she could join in the activities but stay with me at night to enable her to have her meds, bath and physio and rest properly. She wouldn't have been able to go otherwise.

I have another daughter who thought she would be fine on camp and really looked forward to it, but didn't sleep at all for 2 nights and I had to go and pick her up. She was really disappointed in herself and it totally knocked her confidence.

If she's worried about going and wants you there, and you are in a position to go, it sounds like a perfect solution.

Oh for goodness sake, she's 11, there's plenty of time for her to gain her independence. You do what you need to do to support her in getting the most out of the experience. If other parents will be there as helpers I see absolutely no harm in you going.

DS was exactly the same at her age. He's 15 now and has just returned from a school trip to New York, didn't bat an eyelid about going. These things just naturally fall into place without being forced.

Go along, don't make a fuss about it and don't give it another thought.

Please let her go without you.
I was the same last June my 10to turned 11 on residential was away Mon to Fri. Undiagnosed at the min asd, had been suicidal previously, extreme separation anxiety absolutely heart broken to be going but I let him go and told him I was a phone call away. He rang me 2 night absolutely sobbing but held out until morning for me to go and get him by both mornings he didn't want me to get him all was forgotten and he was having the time of his life. The difference in him since is incredible. Let her try and I know it's hard but you'll be fine too

My precious first born had his first overnight trip in year 6 - for 4 nights/5 days. Yes, the thought of him going away made me feel tearful, worried and anxious but I kept all those feelings to myself. You have to pull your shit together and encourage them to do these things. Be excited for them, encourage them, tell them they are going to have a fab time. You can’t allow your own anxiety to hold them back.

As for my child? He went away, had the most amazing time, held it all together when he left, the whole time he was away and when we picked him up. When we got home, he had a little cry and said he missed us but was really glad he did it and would do it again. It’s good for them. You have to let them grow x

I’d have a night or two away from her in the meantime and see how she fairs sleeping at home without you if you can’t do sleepovers elsewhere. Depending on that I’d make a decision but I’d be swaying to you not going. I think even subconsciously it sends a message that she wouldn’t be able to do it alone and reaffirms her fears rather than encouraging her to see how it goes.

I think going and taking that step alone may be a better step forward than just going with you, even if you had to pick her up/ join later least she’d have tried.

As a parent, it is not your job to stop your dd experiencing anxiety, it is your job to support her to cope with it.

Don’t attend with her. This is a great chance for her to grow In confidence and independence.

once she’s surrounded by her friends and seeing them all be ok at being away from their parents she will follow suit.

it will be good for both of you for her to do this alone.

I would think very carefully about it.

Some anxious kids would be happy just because they knew you were there.

Others (most?) would feel even worse because you were there, but unavailable due to your allocated helper role or would cling to you at the expense of enjoying the experience with their friends.

Only you know which your child is.

Last year, we took an autistic child with us and made concessions eg she had access to her phone, unlike the others (school has a strict no phones policy). She was only allowed it briefly to make a call before bed time. Another child with a medical issue had a parent stay nearby and to be fair, we then needed the parent to collect the child. Another sounds a bit like yours, didn’t make it past 2am, we had her collected, parents drove 2 hours to get her. We took a lot of children, obviously there was going to be a teeny percentage with issues and we catered for them. You could ask the teacher in charge for any of these scenarios and see what they say. I must say, I would not want, as a teacher, to have parents helping, but I understand it’s necessary to ensure trips go ahead, it’s just not common in my (secondary ) experience.

I also think it's amazing that you've got to 11 without any sleepovers with friends. When my DD was aged 8 - 12ish it seemed that either we had girls here or she was sleeping over somewhere else every weekend.

I would go if I were you, if they need parent helpers. It will make your DD's experience better and there is plenty of time in the future for her to get over her separation anxiety. As a teacher many years ago I remember one girl who broke her heart with homesickness at school camp (not one we would have predicted), sobbing for hours, and I thought then, this is downright cruel to keep her away from home. She's just not ready for the experience yet. Children develop in different ways at different times, and you know your DD better than anyone. Let her take her time and give the unobtrusive support she needs by being there overnight for her.

Yeah, this. Kids need to learn. They have to be away from parents for the first time at some point, and a school trip with their friends and teachers is an excellent place to start.

I had a friend who had never spent a night away from his mum until he went to uni, and ended up cancelling his place in halls to commute as he couldn't do it!!!!

He finally moved out of the parental home at the age of 32.

This says it all really.

I think you should ask the teacher what she thinks would benefit your DD more.

At 11, the security of you being there, even if you try to keep away from her might be enough that next time she would try alone.

Tbf my first trip staying away from family - I regularly stayed with grandparents - didn't take place until I was ten, and then it was for a whole week, going away in June with a school that I'd only started going to the previous September, after we'd moved house.

Far from weeping, I think my parents couldn't wait to get shut of me for the week! 😅 It was 1981, so no mobiles and no phone calls home either.

It's a hard one. My eldest DC is very anxious and despite my and his teacher's best efforts he couldn't do the Year 6 residential because he felt like he couldn't cope with being away overnight so he went as a day camper. At the time he'd never even successfully made it through a sleepover so I think it was the right decision for him not to go. If I'd been given the option to go as a parent helper to have enabled him to make the trip I would have.
I remember in the build up a lot of his classmates were getting anxious about leaving their parents but they were able to be reassured and persuaded to go.
So I think it depends on your child's levels of anxiety. If it's within the normal range of nerves about being away it might be good for her to experience it without you. If it's causing major anxiety then I would go to allow her to experience the trip with the security of your being there. She's only 11 and there is still plenty of time to take smaller steps to build her independence. Some kids take longer to be comfortable with being away from home but they all get there in the end.

My daughter was like this, had one night away on a Year 5 trip and was quite tearful. Her twin brother was there as well but I’m not sure it helped. Covid hit and there weren’t anymore overnight trips. She didn’t like sleepovers and we would get a call saying she was upset and we’d have to pick her up. Managed a couple of sleepovers last year. However she had an overseas residential in Year 9. We talked to her about what it was she felt anxious about, it was us not being near but also not having any time to herself. She went away and was really tearful the first night, held it together the second and then was fine.

I wasn’t worried about her not liking sleepovers, I figured she would eventually work it out, and she has, it I’m glad she was able to go abroad as an experience to look back on. It is also a stepping stone to the next ‘scary’ thing. She has done something difficult for her that and can face another challenge and it will be ok. I’m not a helicopter or nervous parent, I just recognise that she finds some things harder than others but she will get there in the end.

i’ve no real advice other than to talk to her and try to find out what it is that she finds difficult about it and try not to stress about it either way.

I wouldn’t go but I can see why you are tempted. She won’t be the only child that is anxious, there will be others that haven’t been away from home. Talk to her teacher and maybe agree to a phone call home if she anxious (my DD’s school did this). By going you are just saving the anxiety for the next time she goes away with school?

What a helpful comment.