To go on the school trip or should I leave my child to go herself and hope for the best?

[Notsurewhatisbest]

Not really an AIBU but would appreciate any replies

My daughter is very clingy, will happily go to clubs etc without me but there is a school trip at the beginning of next year for 3 nights and she’s starting to worry about being away from me.

They are looking for parent helpers and I would happily help but I’m worried I’m making things worse and it would be better for her if I wasn’t there to learn to be more independent?

Shes 11 for reference.

will she have any friends going?this is important.
Ask her Does she want to go? If no and no friends then don’t let her go.
If yes then ask yourself-Do you want to spend a week as a volunteer- would you have volunteered anyway?
if you do-would she like you to go as well? Even if you were looking after other children and not just her?

If she wants you there and and you want to volunteer then volunteer.

If she wants to go/ has friends but you don’t want to go - tell her to go and if she really hates it - you will come and pick her up. You will speak to her teacher and arrange it so she can tell them and they will call you. You have to mean this (though-no trying to persuade/ guilt/ cajole her into staying) once you are called, you will come. Same for teacher.

Then let her go by herself. If she knows she can leave if she hates it she may relax and manage- this will boost your and hers confidence.

my daughter just didnt go. She now lives overseas in a massively different time zone

Well there is a middle ground. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

Our school do overnight trips from year 2. Parents aren’t allowed to go/help.

I went to both of my sons year 6 residential trips

they werent teased at all

They didn’t do residential trips at our Primary school and I honestly don’t see the point in them. They’re only 11 yrs old so plenty of time to grow up and learn to be independent. 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is a happy medium

In my school's case, it was just fun!

My son's school do a residential in yr 5. There were a few homesick/ anxious children when my son went. The nice children looked after them in the dorms. Nobody was unkind.

They need parent helpers anyway, so it might as well be you (or her dad).

Some children are anxious and forcing them to undergo a distressing experience to "cure" them of their anxiety is not the answer, it could increase their anxiety. Of course she might not be distressed but if you can reduce the risk of it by being there (in the background) why wouldn't you?!

I would go as a helper this time as just being there should help and hopefully she won't really need you. Then if it goes well you will both be more confident for her to go on the next trip without you.

I find some of the answers to this thread really nasty btw. Luckily our understanding of how to best meet children's needs is developing all the time. The parents of anxious children (who may have autism, diagnosed or undiagnosed, but may not) get it.

@Notsurewhatisbest I've recently been through similar. My eldest (age 10 yr6) has been suffering with severe separation anxiety since his dad passed away when he was 7. He was adamant he wasn't going on the class residential because he can't get to sleep without background noise from his phone or TV (I know I need to work on this) and he doesn't like to be away from me.

Long story short after many tears and meltdowns (including on the day of the trip) he went and had an amazing time. He's very proud of himself and I'm a very proud mum!x

Of course u shouldn’t go.

Some kids just don't love these residentials. Mine has one coming up it's going to be 6 hours on a coach and then a load of outdoor stuff for 5 days in February. She could probably tolerate one day of abseiling in the cold but 5 is too much. She'll hate the disco too. If it were 5 days doing stuff she likes she might be feeling a whole lot more independent

It wouldn’t bother me at all. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you attending it.

I had a very clingy child and I spent years just supporting her. When she got to about 11 she naturally started to sleep in her own room etc.

you need to do what suits you and your family.

i don’t see a problem with it but if you decide to not go then I find children are clingy because they’re not confident. I worked very hard making my daughter feel secure before I pushed her in tiny bits. It doesn’t work for all children but it was something me and a therapist went through. It’s worked very well

It's not till next year though so loads of time to get plenty of experiences before then and lots of chats about it. She will be totally fine..you just need to give her the confidence to be fine. Don't even talk about going... don't make it a thing.

I've also been accused of being a helicopter parent. Better that than one that doesn't care.

For me I'd be trying her at a grandparents this weekend if possible to see how she manages.

It's best to let them go and grow but if you being there is wanted by her for the school trip and it's something you can do then I'd do it in a heartbeat. Our role is to hand hold and build confidence until they can step on their own.

Do what you need to do if it's what your child wants.

Good advice.

They're both pretty bad tbh

Neglectful parents and helicopter parents both base their parenting on what's best for the parents - in the case of helicopter parents it's making them feel comfortable and keeping their anxiety as low as possible.

The middle ground is more difficult to navigate as a caring parent because y

FFS...

Because you worry, but the best gift you can give your child is your belief in their ability to cope with whatever life throws at them, and the resilience to be prepared to try.

I’ve never known parent helpers for a school residential. Has her school never done residentials before, has DD never done sleepovers at friends or camps with Brownies etc?

I like this stones analogy. Another one is a rubber band. You can stretch it and it gets longer and looser, but if you stretch it too far, it can snap. Most children can go on a residential like this, feel a bit nervous or homesick but get over it and have a great time. This is a positive learning experience. For a few it is just too much and they 'snap'. This might mean they are so upset they need to be collected or they stay but really, really struggle and it puts them off more.

There will be other opportunities between now and her being an adult for her to be away from you. If you feel this is just too much for her right now then I would consider volunteering. (As an aside I am amazed they ask for (and get!) parent volunteers for a residential trip!)

This ^.
My girls were both a bit clingy. They started with Brownie weekends away. If yours has a favourite cuddly toy, spray it with your perfume before she goes. Really helped mine!

I think I would start trying to organise some sleepovers etc. and also have a conversation with the school. You could tell them you are hoping to build more resilience but could you be standby helper if she is still very clingy nearer the time. You really need to work together with them on this and make a plan.

I think you should go! Having you there as backup might make her feel more confident to tackle this kind of thing in the future…..

I also wouldn’t worry about what kind of parent other people think you are. My DS is 14 and has never managed an overnight trip or a sleepover.