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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want this to be a big deal - child free wedding

77 replies

LavenderLavender · 05/11/2024 09:47

DH’s relative is getting married later next year. We’d initially been told that family children would be welcome but now we’ve had the formal invitation that is not the case. Our daughter will be 9 months at the time. The wedding is in a different city (about 3 hours away from us) and in-laws had already booked accommodation for us in a lovely looking hotel for a couple of days on the basis that we’d be going as a family (FIL spent a long time calling round to try and find the most baby-friendly option).

I’ve absolutely no issue with the bride and groom having a child free day (we had family only/babies only at our wedding so understand how children can quickly add to the headcount!). We don’t have anybody local to the wedding who could babysit and I don’t think I’d feel happy leaving her with my relatives who live in our city and then go that far away (although that could change by 9 months!).

DH family is the sort that only get together for weddings and funerals so for various aunties etc this was likely going to be the first chance to meet our daughter. I’ve suggested that DH goes with his family anyway and I’ll stay at the hotel. DD and I can have a day exploring a new city and then I’ll get room service or something. To be honest the wedding venue doesn’t look particularly child friendly so I was a bit nervous about taking my daughter anyway. If I travel to the city instead of staying home we could potentially meet up with his wider family for a coffee the day after.

DH and in-laws are upset about this and want to approach the couple and ask them to reconsider. I’m mortified at this suggestion! It’s an awkward situation as the mother of the bride was under the impression that our daughter was invited but it is what it is. DH is now saying he doesn’t want to go as he won’t enjoy it if I’m not there but I don’t want it to look like we’re boycotting because of the no children thing (although we hadn’t formally RSVP’d we’d indicated when chatting that we’d be there).

Any suggestions before this needlessly gets blown up?

OP posts:

WickedlyCharmed · 05/11/2024 10:02

My suggestion would be do absolutely anything except approach the couple and ask them to reconsider allowing your children to attend.

You’ve come up with a great compromise.

If your DH doesn’t want to do as you’ve suggested and go without you, you send a “sorry we can’t make it, hope you have a wonderful day” card. DH and his parents need to get over it, and you need to stop framing it as it looking like you’re “boycotting” the wedding.

If it was the bride and groom themselves who initially told you your children would be invited, rather than some other family member who has got the wrong end of the stick, then they should be understanding and accept your declining their invite graciously.

If it was the Mother of the Bride who misunderstood, then she’s got some explaining to do to the bride and groom, and probably not just on your behalf if she’s been going round telling everyone in the family that their children are invited!

BIossomtoes · 05/11/2024 10:05

Most childfree weddings make an exception for babies. Are you assuming you can’t take the baby because her name isn’t on the invitation?

Catza · 05/11/2024 10:05

You can have a middle ground - go and stay at the hotel that is already booked for you and have a mini break with your husband. If he doesn't want to attend the wedding without you, that's OK and you can still enjoy your weekend away and meet up with the family for coffee as you suggested.
I also see nothing wrong with in-laws speaking to the couple but that's me with my cultural background and my laid back family where this kind of request won't be seen as offensive. Your mileage may vary.

Tetchypants · 05/11/2024 10:08

In what way are you worried the venue isn’t child friendly? I’d understand if you had a toddler and there was a cliff, but I’m confused!

Also, I’d let your in-laws handle it.

mindutopia · 05/11/2024 10:10

Let them ask or ask yourself! It’s no big deal and not awkward. Does the invitation strictly say no children or is dd’s name not on there?

We had a family member who had a childfree wedding. What they really meant was no non-family children, but they thought that was obvious (it wasn’t) and invite was strictly to Dh and I. We just had to clarify. In fact, there were loads of children there (bride has big family), so many that there was a whole children’s room and entertainment in the evening, despite it being ‘childfree’. All the children went off to play with their nannies (yes, we were the only ones who didn’t bring a nanny 😂) in the children’s room after dinner. No big deal.

Just be honest that you don’t have childcare and you’re trying to work out how you can all attend, so you just need to clarify. It’s fine if ultimately one or both of you decides not to go. It’s just what happens if you have a childfree wedding that people need to travel to attend.

Hankunamatata · 05/11/2024 10:11

I think your compromise is fine.

Didimum · 05/11/2024 10:13

I think I'd continue to try and find a babysitter close to the wedding who can have her in the hotel while you go. Sounds like you've got long enough to potentially find someone who you feel comfortable with.

Halvana · 05/11/2024 10:15

I'm with you. He should go by himself, even if it's not his first choice. He's an adult, it's his family, he can cope. Reply saying he accepts, but you can't because no childcare.

Point made without being rude or pressuring.

A 9 month old is still tiny in the grand scheme of things. I would not rely on feeling any different about leaving them just for a social occasion, and personally I think it's asking far too much when people expect relatives to come along and babysit.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/11/2024 10:17

Reply to the couple and say, "Thank you for the invitation. DH will attend on his own because we don't have any suitable childcare options for DD."

If they want to extend an invitation to your DD, they will.

VivianLea · 05/11/2024 10:21

Your idea is perfect. Hotel break for you, wedding for DH. He won't be alone, he'll be with all his family, it's fine.

Original poster

LavenderLavender · 05/11/2024 10:24

We’ve clarified with the couple who have said no babies and suggested that we bring her down and find a local babysitter. Trouble is we don’t really have anyone as DH’s family who we would ask are at the wedding and it doesn’t seem fair to make my family/friends travel all that way - especially as we couldn’t afford to put them up at the same hotel. Plus I’m honestly not that upset at the whole scenario to put somebody out like that or go to too much effort to sort a solution other than what I’ve already proposed. If we had local friends/family then I’d definitely consider it. DH and his family aren’t being awkward or dramatic about it - more well meaning and I think they were looking forward to us all being there. I’m just worried about accidentally causing a drama.

Re the venue not looking child friendly it’s in a cocktail bar. I’m sure I’d cope if my daughter was invited but it didn’t strike me as being the sort of place set up for babies!

I’m not sure who the info re babies initially being invited. We were told by MIL who had been out with the bride and mother of the bride so presumably one of them?

OP posts:

Original poster

LavenderLavender · 05/11/2024 10:26

I do have PND so not sure if I’m just making this more of an issue in my brain…

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2024 10:28

Has your hotel room already been paid for? If not and DH doesn’t want to go then that’s his decision and you can all decline. They’re the ones being awkward, as if it’s their place to tell you who to leave your baby with, cheeky sods.

If it has been paid for you can still decline. I know you’re trying to the high road and have him still be at a family event. But your family isn’t invited, the couple have made their priorities known, and it’s not your decision whether or not he goes, it’s his.

Tetchypants · 05/11/2024 10:31

VivianLea · 05/11/2024 10:21

Your idea is perfect. Hotel break for you, wedding for DH. He won't be alone, he'll be with all his family, it's fine.

Yes this. He doesn’t have to go for the whole thing and can join you and DD later on. Just accept for him and decline for you then cross it off your worries list.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/11/2024 10:31

We’ve clarified with the couple who have said no babies and suggested that we bring her down and find a local babysitter

So why on earth is he still suggesting that they be asked to reconsider?

I can't abide rudeness/pushiness like this when people have already been given a clear no, and since your compromise is entirely sensible I'd just stick with that

Halvana · 05/11/2024 10:32

"...suggested that we bring her down and find a local babysitter."

I think a lot of b&g think this sounds like an easy ask when they aren't parents themselves. Then they have their own babies, and realise it wasn't! Don't expect them to understand, but also don't jump through a hoop just because they think you ought to. You're the parent, you know your baby.

Child free weddings are absolutely fine as long as everyone (including b&g) respect each other's choices and don't take offence.

Avatartar · 05/11/2024 10:38

You need to back away, it’s not your problem to solve. You’ve come up with a great compromise and have put work into the matter. If DH and in-laws don’t like it - tough.
DH needs to decide if he goes alone as you suggested with you either exploring with baby to use the bedroom or you and baby stay at home

BabyMama889 · 05/11/2024 10:39

Bride and groom are unreasonable to suggest a babysitter. No one would want a strange babysitter for a 9 month old. They clearly don't have kids and no brain cells of their own.

DH's family are being awkward but leave it to them. It's DH's relationship to handle. I'd be pretty angry if my own family told me I can bring my baby, let me book and plan on coming, and then turn around and say "actually your baby is not invited so why doesn't your DH miss out or get a stranger you've never met before sit with your very small child?"

Original poster

LavenderLavender · 05/11/2024 10:40

Worried I’ve given the wrong impression of DH here - I think he’s just concerned about me missing out/being alone whilst he’s out having fun given the background of PND. I’ll have another chat with him that I’m genuinely happy to skip it and he can always duck out after the first dance if he wants and get an early night in a nice hotel!

OP posts:

WickedlyCharmed · 05/11/2024 10:41

We’ve clarified with the couple who have said no babies

Then your DH and his family need to drop the idea of asking them to reconsider. So rude!

B&G have been clear, you’ve offered a compromise, DH and his parents are being arses.

Aibusadandhormonal · 05/11/2024 10:43

Sounds like it was just your DH thinking you wanted to go. Which you don't so lovely night room service in hotel with the baby. Take the monitor and have a nice bath and a read. And see all the family for lunch the next day. Win win.

Rewis · 05/11/2024 10:43

Your solution sounds like everyone would have the best time. Husband can catch up with family, you don't have to stress with the baby at an event. Winwin.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 05/11/2024 10:45

Stop worrying about accidentally causing a drama, and being seen as boycotting, you're not.

You've offered a really reasonable compromise, it's up to them if they take it. You don't need to do anything further, you just need to decide when you would like them to make their minds up by so you can plan a weekend away or a weekend at home.

amoreoamicizia · 05/11/2024 10:46

You're not making an issue, they created the situation. Your solution seems fine, you can't be reasonably expected to leave your baby with a randomer. It was their choice.

C152 · 05/11/2024 10:52

I would have suggested the solution you have already supplied - you all go and enjoy the nice hotel, you stay at the hotel with the baby and enjoy a nice night away while DH is at the wedding (or, if it's close the venue, you and DH swap for an hour each at the reception).

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