To not want this to be a big deal - child free wedding

[LavenderLavender]

DH’s relative is getting married later next year. We’d initially been told that family children would be welcome but now we’ve had the formal invitation that is not the case. Our daughter will be 9 months at the time. The wedding is in a different city (about 3 hours away from us) and in-laws had already booked accommodation for us in a lovely looking hotel for a couple of days on the basis that we’d be going as a family (FIL spent a long time calling round to try and find the most baby-friendly option).

I’ve absolutely no issue with the bride and groom having a child free day (we had family only/babies only at our wedding so understand how children can quickly add to the headcount!). We don’t have anybody local to the wedding who could babysit and I don’t think I’d feel happy leaving her with my relatives who live in our city and then go that far away (although that could change by 9 months!).

DH family is the sort that only get together for weddings and funerals so for various aunties etc this was likely going to be the first chance to meet our daughter. I’ve suggested that DH goes with his family anyway and I’ll stay at the hotel. DD and I can have a day exploring a new city and then I’ll get room service or something. To be honest the wedding venue doesn’t look particularly child friendly so I was a bit nervous about taking my daughter anyway. If I travel to the city instead of staying home we could potentially meet up with his wider family for a coffee the day after.

DH and in-laws are upset about this and want to approach the couple and ask them to reconsider. I’m mortified at this suggestion! It’s an awkward situation as the mother of the bride was under the impression that our daughter was invited but it is what it is. DH is now saying he doesn’t want to go as he won’t enjoy it if I’m not there but I don’t want it to look like we’re boycotting because of the no children thing (although we hadn’t formally RSVP’d we’d indicated when chatting that we’d be there).

Any suggestions before this needlessly gets blown up?

Just stick to your plan and say, "Thanks for the suggestion but DH will be attending alone. We don't know anybody in the local area and leaving our 9 month old baby with a babysitter we don't know and trust isn't an option."

Reassure your husband you are very happy to stay at the hotel with the baby while he attends the wedding. If your in laws are that obsessed with double checking then let them do so. But it sounds like you didn't think the venue looked very child friendly anyway. Your compromise sounds fine.

I'd go, take the baby out for the day whilst DH is at the wedding then meet the wider family for a pub lunch the day after / have breakfast.

That is easier said than done. The baby is young and possibly still breast feeding. Many people understandably don't want people they don't know looking after their babies. The wedding is not in the OPs home town so if they were to get a babysitter they would have to take someone with them who knew the baby. So the would have to pay for hotel rooms travel etc.
OP I would either do as you suggest and have s nice day with your baby exploring the city.
But if your husband now doesn't want to go I would leave all the explaining/etc to him.
The couple of course can have any kind of wedding they like but they have to also accept that it means some people won't be able to attend

That's why I said potentially.

I think your husband needs to go without you...he won't have a good time without you, seeing his own family for a few hours? If its going to cause a fall out he needs to just go

We had this situation and did what you did - except my DD was only 6 weeks old at the time and it was a bit of a hassle, wandering around a city I didn't know with her! The bride threw a strop the next morning as I went to pick DH up from the "morning after brunch" the next day with the baby in tow and lots of relatives came out to coo at her. Hopefully your relatives are a bit more reasonable about your mere presence...

When they say local babysitter, they mean hire a babysitter. They don't mean use a family member

And understandably many parents will be unwilling to hire someone they don't know to look after their baby. And more importantly someone the baby doesn't know. 'Stranger danger' often kicks in around 9 months.

Absolutely. My 9 month old granddaughter has seen me every few days for the whole of her life and is going through a phrase where if I so much as look at her she cries.

This. You have a long time to get this sorted.

Why are such selfish thoughtless people getting married? They clearly have no idea what marriage is about. Perhaps they are young and may realise later in life how their actions impact others. If not would you really want to go and celebrate two such odious people marrying?

I don't blame DH tbh, I wouldn't want to go to a wedding without my child or partner.

I'm not a fan of cf weddings tbh, but I wouldn't request to bring my child, I'd just instantly decline.

If DH doesn't want to go, then agree to him not going. Either get a refund on the hotel or make it a weekend away.

Why is it selfish to have a childfree event?

It's the parents fault for overstepping on hotel booking and telling OP kids were allowed before they knew whether that was true or not.

Your in-laws are being weird. It’s your baby, you’re happy with your suggestion, it’s none of their business!

A cocktail bar is definitely an adult vibe, I wouldn’t bring my baby and would definitely prefer a baby not to be there if I was attending myself!

I don't think there's anything wrong with a childfree wedding - and it sounds like it was inherently an error in communication rather than anything else directly from the B&G themselves. If your husband isn't keen and you can get a refund I'd just do that - but if it's already paid and you can't do anything, your idea sounds lovely.

Just tell your dh to i go on his own like you planned ,honestly I hae done this a few times ,I have lots of cousins and if my kids were not invited I went ti their wedding on my own and left my children with dh.

You're just going to have to be firm with your husband and in-laws. They may be coming from a well-meaning rather than bullying place but the result is the same. You've come up with a great compromise that, most importantly, you're happy with. They are riding roughshod over it and creating unnecessary drama.

Hold the line and don't let them walk over you. You can be gracious without giving ground. Think of that lovely day out you'll have exploring the city with your daughter - don't let them take it away from you!

Exactly! I see it all the time in here, posters are so selfish to think someone else’s event needs to cater for them - and then has the cheek to call the couple selfish.

Have your wedding how you want it, it won’t be to everyone’s taste, and you’d need to be pretty selfish to expect others to do things to your wishes!

I’ve messaged my MIL and apparently the initial family children are welcome came from the bride and mother of the bride so clearly something has happened during the planning to make that no longer viable.

Nobody is going to approach the couple again - think they were just a bit upset as they were looking forward to a family weekend and now there’s a change of plan. MIL has had a tough year (cancer treatment etc) so was looking forward to us all being together with the wider family but I’ve reassured her that I’m still happy to come along and make a weekend of it and just miss the actual wedding. I’m lucky and get along really well with my in laws so still looking forward to spending some time with them in a nice hotel - in laws are paying for the hotel as they like to treat us and were mindful of maternity pay etc.

MIL has offered to come back to the hotel and babysit for the evening do (due to her health issues she wasn’t planning on a late one anyway!) so we might do that so I can still get dressed up and have a cocktail or two. DH would of course be fine with his family at the wedding - he’s just a bit on the introverted side and loves spending time with his daughter and was looking forward to taking her along.

Probably given enough identifying information away by now so if anyone has any baby friendly recommendations for Manchester I’m all ears!

Have just updated but it’s not really my in laws fault - they were under the impression that our daughter was invited and asked if we wanted them to sort a hotel booking out so we didn’t have to do the leg work.

I hope I haven’t come across as selfish, I really don’t want them to cater to me! Hopefully it’s all sorted now though.

DH is now saying he doesn’t want to go as he won’t enjoy it if I’m not there that's ridiculous. His family will be there.

You can't say anything just take of leave the invitation. The family are making a fuss.

I know you're sorted now. But your suggestion of stating with the baby or DHs suggestion of you all skipping it are all perfectly fine. No reason for your DH not to go alone though.

OP, your instincts are spot on and you’re the sane one in your family. Please don’t question yourself: you sound lovely and very rational too!

Hope you enjoy your weekend away and that it’s the sort of hotel with room service so you and your baby can have some one-to-one time and relax in a comfy environment.