To not want this to be a big deal - child free wedding

[LavenderLavender]

DH’s relative is getting married later next year. We’d initially been told that family children would be welcome but now we’ve had the formal invitation that is not the case. Our daughter will be 9 months at the time. The wedding is in a different city (about 3 hours away from us) and in-laws had already booked accommodation for us in a lovely looking hotel for a couple of days on the basis that we’d be going as a family (FIL spent a long time calling round to try and find the most baby-friendly option).

I’ve absolutely no issue with the bride and groom having a child free day (we had family only/babies only at our wedding so understand how children can quickly add to the headcount!). We don’t have anybody local to the wedding who could babysit and I don’t think I’d feel happy leaving her with my relatives who live in our city and then go that far away (although that could change by 9 months!).

DH family is the sort that only get together for weddings and funerals so for various aunties etc this was likely going to be the first chance to meet our daughter. I’ve suggested that DH goes with his family anyway and I’ll stay at the hotel. DD and I can have a day exploring a new city and then I’ll get room service or something. To be honest the wedding venue doesn’t look particularly child friendly so I was a bit nervous about taking my daughter anyway. If I travel to the city instead of staying home we could potentially meet up with his wider family for a coffee the day after.

DH and in-laws are upset about this and want to approach the couple and ask them to reconsider. I’m mortified at this suggestion! It’s an awkward situation as the mother of the bride was under the impression that our daughter was invited but it is what it is. DH is now saying he doesn’t want to go as he won’t enjoy it if I’m not there but I don’t want it to look like we’re boycotting because of the no children thing (although we hadn’t formally RSVP’d we’d indicated when chatting that we’d be there).

Any suggestions before this needlessly gets blown up?

Why were the in laws under that impression? Did the couple say so and then change their minds?

Sorry just seen your update!

This hope you all have a lovely time ,

Would you consider staying at the hotel and you and your DH take turns attending the wedding, it you stay and he goes to the wedding?

Your MIL's idea should work well. You get a couple of hours and a couple of cocktails 🍸.
The gets time with DD.
Hope it all works out and everybody has a good time

MIL's idea sounds good. Also, if your baby is v young now, you may feel happy to leave her overnight at 9 months old. So, you may not need to make firm plans just yet

I'm not a fan of child-free weddings anyway. But to have a mostly child-free wedding yourself and then to try to pressure the B&G into allowing yours? That's properly nobbish.

Not you OP, you've been reasonable.

@LavenderLavender

Sorry my comment wasn’t aimed at you, it was the initial PP that was quoted that they thought childfree weddings were selfish. Obviously you don’t think that and you’ve got a solution you are happy with!!

It’s like someone having a birthday party and a guest not liking the choice of venue or food! Weddings are all about the couple, it’s their choice of wedding (not what the guests think - they can have their own!).

Def don’t ask for child to go, just take turns in looking after the child.

@LavenderLavender I wonder if you could do the first bit of the weekend (you & your dd sightseeing and chilling at the hotel whilst dh goes to the wedding) and then the next day meet up for lunch or the after with the rest of the family? That way the b&g get their say how they want it and the rest of the family get to meet your child.

It does make me sad that so many weddings are child free, but that is up to the b&g, whether it's for financial or other reasons.

Apologies, missed your post about spending the time with your mil and fil at the weekend. Sounds a lovely time all round.

Yes, and that's just not a reasonable suggestion. When they have a baby of their own they might think differently about leaving him or her alone with a complete stranger.

I think your suggestion is perfect, go enjoy the hotel with your little one, get room service and do some exploring! Let your DH go to the wedding himself with his family. That’s a perfectly acceptable option and not at all unreasonable.

My suggestion is that his parents speak to the bride, not all brides consider how awkward a child free wedding is. I thinks it pretty rude to assume people can find a sitter anyway. You have a plan b so leave them to negotiate whether your dc can be there

@longtompot It does make me sad that so many weddings are child free, but that is up to the b&g, whether it's for financial or other reasons.

I would have said the same as you until very recently. We went to a wedding, about 110 guests but because b&g and their friends/siblings are all mid to late 30s, there were FIFTEEN small children, ages 2-10. They had a little children's corner with toys and stuff in the dining hall. All sounded very sweet. It really wasn't nice. All the mums (dads were all drinking whiskey and having a ball) were attending to their kids all the time, hanging around the play area. The dining tables were half empty as parents were running around after their kids. I couldn't hold a conversation with any of my friends as they had their hands full (I was pregnant, it was before I had DS this summer) . After dinner, when the band came on, the mums all left with the kids as it was bedtime.

I allowed children at my wedding but I was 27 when I got married. Out of 150 guests, there were only 2 children so I didn't really have to discriminate, it was not an issue at all. So I think age / demographic makes a difference.

There is no way I would personally hire a random local babysitter for a child that young. But I do think your husband is being a bit of a wet blanket if he can’t spend time with his relatives without you there. He needs to go on his own or risk a family rift. Hopefully you will get to go to the evening bit as your mother in law suggests.

@Tetchypants my first born was walking at 9 months and 2nd was 10 months, they could be on the move.

I like the idea of a mini break. You still get to see family and get a nice day out with your baby. I'd send my husband for the day, if anyone asks why you aren't there and he explains they may say to pop along for the evening still. If it remains now babies all day and night then my husband would probably leave early so we could catch up for a nice dinner somewhere together as a family afterwards. Then you still get to see family over the stay too. Do the couple have children? I think it's always easier to think of just leaving kids with people for events until you have them yourself and then realise that it isn't always that easy. I hope it all goes OK and you still have a lovely weekend anyway.

Manchester Art Gallery has a family gallery [check their website for times and info] and a nice cafe....

Your compromise sounds ideal a mini break then MIL babysits at night so you can be a part of the reception if you wanted to. Plus relatives can meet baby next day for lunch, coffee etc. Maybe its the venue that don't allow children if it's a cocktail bar

Check if the no child thing applies to under 1's.

If not then go. How would the venue be not child friendly? I think you're over worrying about that.

If it's definitely no babies, I'd go as a family to the hotel but only your husband attend the wedding as you suggested.

I think you have found an excellent solution. DH will miss having you there at the wedding and reception, but you'll have shared the day in a modified form and will hopefully catch up with family the next day.
Just a thought - could you hire a reputable babysitter close to the venue and ask her to sit with DC in another part of the hotel while you join the festivities for an hour or two?

the idea of wrangling a 9 month old at a wedding ceremony and reception is making me feel cold !

I think you and baby could accompany your wider family to the wedding city, stand at the back of the church during the ceremony so you can nip out when baby starts squealing, see all the family outside after the ceremony for a quick hello for 45 mins or so then find something else to do with the baby while husband and in-laws troop off to listen to speeches etc. Maybe you could split the baby duties / wedding attendance.

whatever you do don't try and take a 9 month old to a wedding reception if they've asked for a child free wedding. And impress upon mother in law that you don't want to take baby to the wedding, so please don't ask the wedding party if you can.

Would it be an option to bring a family/friend with you to the hotel and they could look after baby in the same city for you? That might be an option. (Albeit I appreciate you’d have to pay for their room etc)

understand it’s tricky. I’d advise against pleading with the couple.
would you consider hiring a babysitter for a few hours to cover the wedding? I’d really recommend Sitters for this type of thing.

I think you sound super lovely and considerate.

It’s shitty manners to have a wedding where people are booking accom before being told their baby isn’t invited, and I would never ‘just suggest’ people find a local babysitter for a child under 3 or 4, without showing I understood that might well not be welcome for lots of good reasons plus it’s a lot of work to put on the guest just so their child doesn’t spoil your wedding.
I also don’t understand why people are saying the dh should go, the dh can go of course, but he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to now. The op is handling this very generously and graciously imo.