Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

how she really is - bitter, jealous, entitled

I've been trying quite hard not to think that perhaps her awful situation has just revealed who she really is. People can behave strangely in grief or shock, and certainly can say some awkward things - but they usually apologise straight away, because grief doesn't wipe out empathy.

I do hope, though, that OP and friends can guide her back on to a more constructive path. She's lucky to have these people; she can't really afford to lose them.

@Arran2024, I agree with what you say. The net result's the same, though - a dependent, entitled-feeling adult who's never grown up. People in this circumstance need to keep an eye to their independence; there's no shortage of advice to that effect.

She needs to take time and adjust to her new circumstances but... It would help if you could stop sympathising and move on to encouraging her to find a job (which is so exciting, chance to do whatever she fancies, lucky her!).

YANBU.. had the same situation with my friend when she was going through and now completed divorce.. she completely changed and wasn’t happy for me.. came out in comments and pretty selfish behaviour. I had to step back because it was either that or I’d have completely been vile toward her.. and now we’re not friends anymore.
Unfortunately you can only spread your compassion and understanding so far until you have taken enough.
Sounds like you’ve tried to help and though you don’t want to give up on her in her time of need sometimes you have to put yourself first and you can’t rescue people, they can only help themselves when they are ready.

I’d avoid her and take a step back. She has a different life now. She is going to have to pick herself up by the bootstraps. Can’t imagine someone never working. She will get her life back and be happy again, but it isn’t going to be the same as before and she may well move on. The anger is coming from the fact that she knows all this. You might finish up eventually no longer being close friends.

But she is being bitter at the wrong people, just because her friend is available and her ex isn't doesn't mean she should treat her friend as a punchbag.

She sounds awful..sorry!

I feel sorry for her but really she's done herself no favours by not working. What never?

Take a step back...she will naturally start to question why

I would not bring up weight loss or drinking ...too personal

But do call out bitchy comments! Why on earth wouldn't anyone say anything to that?

Apologies, OP I’ve just read your later posts where you say that her exH didn’t want her to work, wasn't very nice behind closed doors, wanting a ‘proper’ SAH wife etc.. If this is true, it sounds like it was, in fact, a very unhealthy relationship and that she was trauma-bonded. And completely reliant on his money and terms.

In which case, she needs counselling ASAP. And I would definitely speak kindly but honestly to her about her comments to you and your friendship group.

I recognise the situation from a few years back. All our friendship group tried to help out when one of our number was left alone with two kids by a cheating husband. We tried so hard and one person tried harder than the rest of us. In the end that one person was left devastated and the rest of us exhausted.but it hadn’t made a lot of difference. It was the cause of us breaking up as a group and I still regret that. There was simply nothing more we could do and like your friend ours refused to have the counselling she badly needed. My advice would be to back off. Remain friends if you can but don’t spend as much time with her, and don’t pay for any more treats. She has to work it out for herself.

Yes, but a lot of us think the "he wanted a stay at home wife" claims are dubious.

I think you need to have it out with her. The pain for her must be awful but that doesn’t give her the right to behave like a dick to all the people who have gone out of their way to support them? Doesn’t she know how lucky she is? I think she needs reminding that she’s got a wonderful friend and family support group who are STILL sticking on in there no despite her seemingly blaming you for her recent situation. Some people’s partner’s leave them with absolutely nothing, they’ve alienated everyone in their lives, they may not have parents. And zero support network. They deal with this completely alone and this woman can’t even thank you for taking her to a spa?!
I would be SO grateful if one of my friends did that after my break-up and thank them many times over. She sounds completely self-absorbed and entitled and as if she feels that she’s the only person in the world this happened to. I think she needs reminding of that I would 100% pull her up on her complete lack of gratefulness

Can’t you speak to her? When I was going through my divorce one of my best friends was getting married - I was bridesmaid. Honestly I was so happy for her but it was so hard! Being totally honest at times I did feel bitter but I would never ever have made her feel it or said anything to put her down or feel rubbish. I had my children whilst my sister hadn’t met anyone yet, she found that so painful but never made me feel like crap about it.
Shes having a terrible time but that’s not your fault , she’s not your responsibility and you’re not her therapist or punch bag . But If you do value your friendship then just tell her . Hopefully she’ll snap out of it! Good luck it sounds like you’ve all been really supportive to her .

Only specific advice I have would be to not be around her with alcohol - limit socialising to coffee + cake / lunch somewhere everybody drives to and don't serve wine at home etc. Alcohol won't be the only thing but it isn't helping and she might have a better filter if she's sober.

A person’s true character shows in adversity. This friend of yours is quite rightly, adjusting to a huge change in circumstance. However, it is no excuse to lash out at the very friends who are supportive, patient and caring. You can only absorb so much of her pain. You need to step back and stop being her punchbag. You are not responsible for her happiness - she is.

OP the most recent news must have been awful. You are such a good friend to her. When things are calmer she will realise what you have all done for her. I hope this final betrayal from him shocks her out of the fog she is in. He is utterly despicable.

OP Id suggest she get some psychotherapy or counselling to help her with her pain and bitterness from now.

And suggest gently - if she doesn't work outside the home - suggest she get some voluntary work outside her home to occupy her mind away from her losses.

Suggest these are as much for herself as her children needing a healing mother.

God luck. Seeing her when she is so sad means you are a very good friend. You now, if you take it on, as her friend will push her to find help for her future.

truly, poor lady;

I can completely understand why she is so upset. She has had what she considered to be the perfect life and now it is gone. Also she sounds bitter, not helped by the fact that she hasn’t been able to work during her marriage. Trying to get a job for the first time at her age is going to be incredibly difficult as she hasn’t built up work experience and gained skills. She knows that the path ahead is going to be incredibly hard. You sound like an amazing friend, OP. So kind and patient and I’m sure she really does appreciate you. She might not tell you now but maybe one day when things are a little easier. Her unkind words towards others eg on weight, is uncalled for and should not be tolerated. Sometimes people need to hear firm words and a little “tough love” so that they can reflect. I wouldn’t advise that you take a step back from her though; she needs you now more than ever, and you can keep an eye on her children too. There are various stages of grief and she still seems to be in the anger stage. The stage will pass and she will eventually move towards acceptance. Things will get easier for her (and all of you as her wonderful friends) in time. 🌺

Yes, agree with others that you should just distance yourself. This happened to my best friend, we had been close for 40+ years and were more like sisters than friends. I was supportive of her as I could be for over a year after her DH left but her anger and bitterness started to become destructive to her relationships with family and friends. She took it out on me especially, perhaps because I was a safe space that she knew she did not have to censor herself around. But when I tried to gently talk to her about it, saying that I understood why she was angry but that her anger at him was being directed at other people who cared about her and it wasn't healthy, she blew up at me and has never spoken to me again. She cut me off from all social media, blocked me on phone and email, and even after I sent flowers and cards to apologise for upsetting her, no response. It has been about 5 years now, so i don't think I will ever speak with her again. I think perhaps if I had just given her more time to adjust by distancing myself for a few months or something, we might be back on an even footing. So that would be my advice. Good luck.

I think you all need to meet up with her together (that way it doesn't look like any one of you is trying to start an argument), and explain to her how nasty/unbearable she has become and that you are all trying to help her because you really care about her, but she is pushing you all away.

That'll feel like ganging up on her.

I disagree. She needs to know that people will be there for her to witness her pain/despair. . “Taking a step back” is merely a much overused euphemism for “I’m out of here, get over yourself and call mewhen you are better company”. A GOOD friend doesn’t do that.

You sound like a great and compassionate friend. Something similar happened to me regarding a friend who lost a child. I thought I was being as helpful and connected as I could. But everything I did backfired. She was critical of everything I did. I felt dreadful that I had got it so wrong when all I was trying to do was be supportive.
When I spoke to DH about it, he said: “She is in the anger stage of her grief. It is not about you”. That was so helpful to hear. It put the hurt into perspective.
I set some boundaries to stop myself being disrespected or hurt (stopped entertaining her at my home. Met on neutral territory) but I kept checking in with her. This helped.
What I would do is meet her regularly for short, defined times somewhere neutral- dog walks, the beach, coffee etc. Don’t go anywhere with alcohol. Don’t invite her to dinner. Don’t pay for anything. I know you mean well but that will only make her feel like she is the poor relation and has lost everything. Keep the relationship on an equal level. Meet for short, regular catch ups. Check in with a message every few days. Just a “thinking about you today”. Or “sending love”. Nothing too deep. Just so she knows you are there.
Don’t ask about her eating or drinking. She is already feeling dreadful about this and it won’t help. Instead, just listen. Don’t patronise her or offer advice unless asked for it. Just keep listening, acknowledge the hurt and if she shows jealousy over your life, shut it down gently and bring the meeting to a close.
There will come a time when you will be able to suggest professional help. You’ll know the right time to raise this. Don’t raise it until you know she will be receptive.
There will come a time when she will need practical help. Again, you’ll know the right time.
Grief has no expiration date. You will need to be selfless and available for much longer than you think.
But in time she will heal and you will help in her recovery. Her children will benefit. You can do this without getting overwhelmed or hurt. Just take your ego out of it. Your job is to listen. Don’t judge and don’t criticise. You can protect yourself while doing this. Her life may never be the same again. But she will move on. Good luck.

@auderesperare absolutely perfect advice

Why? I have known plenty of couples like this. The men do what they like and get what they like and move on when they like.

Why? Intuition of working in family law for years plus:

1. She chose not to work even when she didn't have children;

2. She is making no effort whatsoever to find a job now;

3. The OP has reported several times on how she was very happy in her role;

4. Apparently the husband didn't want her to work but then went off with a colleague who has continued to work for the 18 months they've been together.

Trust me, I have lost count of the number of people - mostly women but more and more often men too - who come through the doors at work who are in the midst of a divorce and who are prepared to move heaven and earth to avoid finding employment in the future. Invariably they are far less qualified than their spouse, didn't have anything like the career their spouse had before children and they've gotten used to a lifestyle that they could never have aspired to on their own merits.

Nevertheless, I sit there thinking if they would put half as much effort into finding a job as they do pursuing more of the joint assets or spousal maintenance then they could actually be a lot better off than they're going to be from a financial settlement. Courts expectations of how much people should help themselves have increased substantially especially in the last 10 years because as a society I'm afraid to say many people find being an adult dependent - especially on someone that they are estranged from - quite undignified.