Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

"Honesty is not only the best policy; it is rare enough nowadays to make you pleasantly conspicuous." Said by a wise man about 80 years ago. Of course tact helps too.

@ArtInTheMediumOfTurnip I don't agree with you. I think if a spouse wants to give up work then unless there is a pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement confirming this arrangement then the presumption should be that it was an individual choice. That is not the law now but in the 21st century I think we need to update the law to reflect the fact that marriage does not terminate our ability to be free agents (the status quo jars with coercive control laws which quite clearly demonstrate - and quite rightly - that individuals should not be expected to give up their own free will when they marry).

I am afraid I find the idea that someone who hasn't worked in a marriage should be supported by their ex-spouse after marriage so that they can carry on not working utterly ridiculous in the modern era. I would even go as far as saying I think it is an abuse of human rights to deny someone the right to move on from a bad relationship with a clean break if not immediate then at least in the foreseeable future.

Hello - someone mentioned grief. I agree - it can make you terribly angry and also frightened. I know people say she should get a job and I agree with that too but she is probably nervous that she wont be able to get a job (how long is it since she didnt work?) and if she does it will be not the kind of job she wants. Its a huge, huge change. I also agree with others that you shouldnt take the load on yourself but try not to let her go completely. She clearly needs a friend now and sounds like you are being one (well done). All these things take time to heal and of course she wont be the same person after such an unexpected shock. Please dont leave her and add to her woes. Helpful kind advice in small doses might land better than a "confrontation" but as Im sure you are aware you have to pick your moment. I honestly think she may just be feeling horribly alone and vulnerable. Like standing naked on a street when everyone else is wearing wooly jumpers.

Im not divorced by the way but I am a young widow. No one I know is in the same boat thankfully. I'm still sad, probably always will be, and am probably profoundly changed. One thing for sure tho I dont think I would be standing without my friends. Please dont close the door. I would imagine your friend might need you more than you could possibly (and thankfully) imagine. Good luck

Definitely this, I agree. This will also serve to empower her and realise what she's been missing the last 20 or so years.
It will be a shock to the system for her though and, with zero work experience, she will have to be prepared to start at the bottom of the career ladder.

OMG just spat my coffee out. She sounds completely traumatised and needs proper psychological help. I really don’t think there is much you can do before she drags everyone down and everyone abandons her.

You sound as if you are being a very loyal friend. Next time you meet up and she is picky/unkind I would say 'Your husband left you. I don't fully understand what you are going through but I feel you are blaming me. If seeing me is upsetting you, please just say and we could meet up when you feel less resentful. I value our friendship so I'll wait for you to contact me'.

You’ve done a lot to support her but if she won’t take any action herself there’s nothing you can do.

If you try talking to her and she’s not interested, then distance yourself for now.

You aren’t there to be a punching bag for her, as a friend you’ve supported her but she’s making it untenable to continue to do so currently.

Welcome to the real world. There is often a price to pay somewhere when a woman is financially carried by a man.

She is your dear friend. I would try and talk to her and gently explain how her attitude is putting a strain on her friendships, that you want to be there for her but she is making that difficult. If she refuses to engage with that conversation then you may have no choice but to put some distance between you, at least temporarily. She is clearly her own worst enemy at the moment but don't walk away from that friendship without a fight.

She needs to address the bitterness and jealousy or she’ll never be happy again. You’d be doing her a favour by having an honest but empathetic conversation with her. I think she needs to get counselling, it’s almost like a bereavement she’s gone though, probably worse actually.

You need to tell her to stop pushing her insecurities onto you, and tell her while your life might be what hers once was - Your husband is not her husband and you cannot be to blame for your happiness where she has none right now. She also needs to help herself, you need to enable this by halting the mothering.

Your poor friend, what a horrible, horrible situation. I don't have any words of wisdom but she must be absolutely devastated and you seem to be a very kind friend who is really supporting her . She's lucky to have you.

She really needs counselling. Otherwise she’s going to lose friends.

Good god how dreadful!

One of our friends was similar and we all pulled back a little. (A couple more so than others).
She much improved when she got into another relationship but that was a couple of years down the line.

I went through the same thing as well and i definitely think i became more selfish as a friend for a while but luckily never bitter.

I can totally see how it happens though.

Maybe she doesn't have to start working in a junior-level job? She can't have learned nothing in 20+ years of earth mothering. Maybe she can do market gardening, baking, art, etc, for money instead? She'd need to get practical and pro-active about it, but at least she wouldn't have to sacrifice the self-image she's invested in so heavily.

A court's more likely to look kindly on someone really trying to get a business going than on a childlike adult who's angry their meal ticket's just expired.

As someone who is divorced, I think it’s quite common to be angry/upset/bitter but that doesn’t make it ok to take those feelings out on your friends. Personally I try not to go on about my situation to my married friends too much because they can’t possibly understand and also it would understandably be so draining to listen to it day in and day out. I do have a counsellor who is paid to listen to me go on about it.

How is she with her children, is she able to shield them from her feelings? It really is important that she’s able to pull herself together at least in front of them. Perhaps she would be more able to accept the suggestion of help if you come at it from an angle of her then being better able to cope with single parenting for their sake?

I think that you will be able to gently pull her up on some of her comments. Not publicly but in private. And say ‘I feel that some things you say aren’t things you would usually say, for example X. I worry that you are pushing friends away’.

Regarding her ex, he’s clearly lacking empathy which is a hallmark of narcissism. She might not have been very aware of coercive control within her marriage and is only just realising and understanding this now. It takes time. Does she have a solicitor? The fact that he’s planning on marriage may work in her favour, as his new wife’s finances will also be taken into account. She will have to get a job at some point, the court will not simply award her spousal maintenance to support her forever. Let her solicitor break this to her, though.

She’s lucky to have such a good friend in you, but you need some boundaries too.

Good point. I do know a number of women, myself included, who didn’t work when their children were small. I’m disabled and pregnancy really damaged me. There was no way I was in any state to work, I really struggled to look after the kids. But all, myself included, went back to work once the kids were settled in school.

I’d have to go trawling back through the OP’s posts to be certain, but I think the friend is described as being in her late forties. Someone else in a reply said about her eldest being eleven, not sure if that’s correct. But for her to have got married straight out of uni and never worked but have had three kids, either the kids have massive age gaps, or she didn’t work for years before having them, or has had them at the beginning of her marriage and then not looked for work as they’ve grown up. Unless it’s the massive age gap explanation, she has had many years not working and also not caring for young children. The only person I know in that sort of position is an older mum with an even older husband who is retired. I genuinely don’t know anyone being fully financially supported by a working partner who doesn’t currently have young children.

I hope you don’t think I’m trying to be argumentative. I’m genuinely finding this interesting. It’s caused me to really think about different people’s situations.

I agree with this.

But surely art teacher in a secondary school would suit her fairly well @Cornishcockleshells if she’s good at painting and drawing?

That's unfair. In a previous post it was explained that he wanted a stay at home wife. In some circles that is still what happens. Often these women are brought up to believe they have no inherent worth unless attached to a successful, dominant man. Her whole world has come crashing down. Setting up a business while going through a deep personal trauma is not that easy.

She’d need a PGCE which presumably she’d have to fund herself plus the actual study, travelling to placements and the stress of her NQT year

Totally agree. First thing I did when my exH left was up my 4 days a week to full time, then got a better paid job. Still can’t afford the things we did when married but we are both happier (and on good terms)!

If you value her friendship you need to be open and honest about how you are feeling and how she is behaving. Wouldn’t you want someone to be honest with you if it was you?

I think it’s possible you now understand why her husband left. I am sure he was the only person who saw how she really is - bitter, jealous, entitled, etc. Now you are seeing this side. Personally I am not “bohemian” so I am not super understanding of the situation. I would just stop talking to her and I def would never spend money like this on her ever again

Perhaps you’re getting a peek at why the husband left. Maybe your so called friend isn’t as nice as she pretended. A wolf in sheep’s clothing if you will. Don’t invest too much into trying to salvage this friendship. Let her work through it and come to you.