Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

Exactly @shinyshona I always wonder when I see on here all the 'gave up her career for him' posts...
Wheres the evidence she'd have been a 150k+ earner, and would have had some high flying career?

Most people I see getting divorced who have high flyer spouses never had a career. What makes the OP's friend different to the norm is that she did have a degree (and at the same university too). Otherwise it sounds textbook.

Could it be like a stages of grief thing? I can’t remember them all but you know what I mean: denial; anger; etc; finally leading up to acceptance. Possibly just a stage?

I know someone like this! Absolutely hated her husband for years and had a shit marriage yet she’s been bitter and obsessed with him ever since he dared to leave her. Compared to lots of ex husbands he’s been really reasonable, payed all the bills after he left until the house sold and she got a very favourable settlement and is mortgage free etc. Yet he’s her favourite topic of conversation and she’s constantly slagging him off on social media saying he’s a narcissist etc. (He isn’t!) It’s been a few years now. Nobody ever comments on the posts so I can only assume others are getting a bit fed up with her too.

Of course many women are cajoled/wooed/forced into the position of giving up work and doing all the cooking, cleaning, bottle-washing, childcare! I have encountered many throughout the years and I worked hard for the Wages for Housework campaign in the 1980s. It’s far from doing “bugger all” and suits the working partner very well, as he (often he) builds up a career and wealth. Studies show (and in any case it is patently obvious if you look around) that women do the lion’s share of housework and childcare whether they are working or not. But you probably know all this already, even if your own experience doesn’t necessarily back it up. Or might you be an OW yourself, resentful of a former wife whose trust has been completely destroyed? You seem extreme in your anti SAHP stance. For the record, I am not and never have been, but I fully support those family and friends who are.

*Why? Intuition of working in family law for years plus:

1. She chose not to work even when she didn't have children;
2. She is making no effort whatsoever to find a job now;
3. The OP has reported several times on how she was very happy in her role;
4. Apparently the husband didn't want her to work but then went off with a colleague who has continued to work for the 18 months they've been together*

What matters is what the OP has said, not your job or intuition.

Not working when she didn't have children is irrelevant, the OP said the husband wanted a particular set-up about a non-working wife.

Not making an effort to get work now? She's plainly in extreme distress. The OP has said she couldn't imagine her getting through and interview.T

Happy in her role as reported by OP, but OP also said different things went on behind closed doors.

Who the husband went off with is irrelevant: I hate big tits - goes off with woman with big tits. Men pull this shit all the time.

I came on to thank everyone for their posts and support.

My friend is okay, as well as can be expected. She thought they would get back together, and that he would realise he has made a mistake. So the pregnancy news was the final nail in the coffin of hope more than anything.

Dh and I have booked a long weekend away. I have decided I need a break!!

This was a huge help to me when my ex left. Theres a book and a private Facebook page too. Denial is a normal initial stage (well, it was for me, until he moved in with her).

www.runawayhusbands.com

Yes bitterness may be normal but certainly not directed at her friend who has done nothing but support her! It’s totally unacceptable to say the things she has, she may comment that they both had the same life before and that makes her feel bitter, but it’s not on to be commenting about clothes, DH etc.

I'm glad you're having a break, it sounds like such an upsetting situation even from the sidelines. Your last update made me feel so sad for her. It sounds as if she's been living on a fantasy of things going back to how they were and now the full reality is hitting. Very cowardly of her ex not to tell her directly although I imagine that would have been an ugly scene too. I do wonder how the children are coping, their mum has fallen apart. Time for her to do some growing up, which is going to be incredibly tough and painful for a while. I think your approach is right though to call out any future nastiness, it's not doing her any favours to keep enabling that behaviour. She probably needs serious mental health support at this stage though, I would strongly encourage that, she needs to find a way to put herself back together and be there for her kids.

As hard as it is to be on the receiving end, unfortunately, this isn’t about you or your friends. She’s grieving for her life that was, her husband, herself etc. denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
she’s probably feeling embarrassed and humiliated. None of these emotions are good. It might take her years to come to terms with things. She won’t be herself. Remember, all the friendship and kind acts that you have shown are not about you and not about receiving thanks or gratitude for either- after all, who are you doing them for, her or for yourself. We are supposed to be kind and loyal without wanting to feel or have anything in return.
Easy to say it all though and hard to be.

No, this thread is about the way she is treating other people as a result of the pain she is in, this thread is about how best to manage a friendship when someone is struggling like this. Not about the circumstances per se,

As hard as it is to be on the receiving end, unfortunately, this isn’t about you or your friends

She is calling her friends fat and insulting them. Of course its about the friends in this scenario, the friends cant change her circumstances but they can set boundaries in place about not being insulted on the regular.

"Be kind" applies to everyone, not just the OP, it also applies to the friend too and its certainly not kind to insult the friends who are going out of their way to care for her.

How about staging an intervention? Take her to a therapist? Don’t tell her until you’re there and let her know she needs it or that you need it as you try and support her?

She is upsetting you. As much as you may want to you will do as others have done and subconsciously step away from her. She needs to be told that. Not to be harsh but so she can retain the support she has with you all.

She probably won’t act up in public. She may be left with ideas of a therapist. No loss. This may sound a bit extreme but sometimes we really have to take the bull by its horns.

I think the OP can make this thread about whatever she wants!

OP is not after thanks or gratitude! Just wishing someone would stop making nasty personal
comments is a fairly low bar in terms of expectation. Of course friend is devastated. But all the emotions you describe don’t give her licence to verbally abuse her friends. This situation is not solely about the friend and her feelings (which are raw and valid), but also the knock on effect and how to manage that. OP sounds very kind and patient. I’m not sure a lecture on how she needs to stop making things about her is warranted.

@Stickinthemuddle , I don't think you have to have a PGCE any more.

@BonneMaman77 , How about staging an intervention? Take her to a therapist? Don’t tell her until you’re there and let her know she needs it or that you need it as you try and support her?
That would not be a good idea.

I feel you have done all you can with the gentle approach. You and your friends have been nothing but kind and compassionate. But all too often, in this kind of process, the tables get turned and kind people start to be taken for granted. It is time for some ''tough love' now, which is a phrase I actually hate, but will do here. It is time for the friends who are being taken for granted to start calling her out on her behaviour. The breakup of a marriage is desperately traumatic and hard, and it is natural for her to feel resentful of all who still have what she has lost. But you are not her punching bag, and your kindness and tolerance have limits.

It's appropriate to tell her that, and to point out that her behaviour is not acceptable, and needs to change, and unless it does you can't be there for her in the same way you have been. It's just not fair to you, and she needs to see that.

At some point in our lives, we all have to start picking up the pieces and moving on. She needs to start doing that in at least a small way, and if she won't get counselling there is little you can do. You'll have to leave her to it, at least for a while.

A lot of people have said to me (in my work as a psychologist) that friends deserted them unexpectedly in tough times. One of the things I always try to get them to appreciate is whether that was just unpleasant fairweather friend behaviour, or whether their OWN behaviour forced people to withdraw. It's more common than people think, to alienate people when your needs are so complex after trauma. This is what she is doing and she clearly doesn't understand. She needs to

The other thing you need to be aware of and prepared for is the fact that because her life has changed and yours hasn't, you may end up losing the friendship. That is something that often happens, because when someone's life changes, so do their goals, needs, desires and focus. That often means their values no longer align with those of the people they used to feel comfortable around. While you value this friendship, as she goes through the process of healing and recovery, she may be a different person at the end of that, and either one of you may feel it's run it's course. That's very sad if it happens, but it's normal.

She may also be Peri menopausal which might be messing with her hormones in ways that also make her feel bewildered or angry. There could be a lot more going on than she is even aware of herself. You can understand as best you can, if she will tell you, but it's not okay for her to throw your kindness and support back in your face. It is hurtful and unfair, and she needs to know that. Nobody can change their poor behaviour if they're not aware it needs to change.

I write novels about this sort of thing, and I've also recently done a podcast on my YouTube channel about friendship dynamics. You may find that interesting. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQKCJQQtxlNFz-AGR3EmQIK9TqESs1yOo&si=uscCvLxbYGbwm85S

Women go through tough times and we can be of enormous help and support to one another, but there have to be some boundaries around that, for the sake of sanity and fairness to all, and your friend needs to know what they are. 🧡

Great post @AnnieCookWriter

@AnnieCookWriter wonderful post! great advice

I get that. But understanding why she is behaving this way is part of learning how to “manage the friendship”. About not making her actions about you and how you feel but remembering that they are about how she feels.
Basicslly, either stick with her and ignore it all until hopefsullt she comes back around to being herself, or come to terms with the fact that the emotions and behaviours are too much for you to deal with and that means the friendship has run its course for now, break ties and you never know, you may reconcile years later when things change again- or not.

Wow, you took that a bit to heart didn’t you. Where did that outburst come from.

OP you sound like a lovely friend. Being less available is best all round. This bitter stage can last years.
Although finding out her DH is now having a child with OW and marrying her is a big blow, in a way it's a good thing, like closure. She now knows for certain that it's over and should start rebuilding her life. I think it's worse to live in limbo and waiting for him because she thinks he's coming back.
If she is good at art and gardening, maybe there is a job she can do that is enjoyable?

I've just seen the update. You poor friend.
My heart aches for her.

However, weirdly this might be the turning point in her behaviour too. If she's been holding on to the idea that they might get back together then this is the end of that fantasy. Her new reality is hard but she has to face it now. She might be more accepting of suggestions that she has counselling. She must know now that something has to change for her to find a future in which she can be happy.

Her children may be excited about being bridesmaids now but the older they get the less they will want to do with their father when they understand what happened. As adults, when they have their own children, they will have moments of extreme realisation. She will always be their number one. Remind her of that.

I don't think a good therapist would accept that kind of client booking?

Well no actually. I'm just someone who does housework and knows it isn't a full time job. Especially not before children.