Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

Yeah like I said- it’ll be years for the dust to settle. It will also flare up when she finds a guy. And expect financial wrangling when she starts earning.

I’ve no doubt she’s a PITA rn but she doesn’t need home truths. Avoid her if she’s annoying.

My friend has unraveled, mainly because again he has blindsided her. He told the children before telling her, and now she has to listen to her dds excitedly talking about bridesmaid dresses and a baby sister. They seem oblivious at least.
And possibly happy and settled?

You are a good friend.
Don't listen to sharp remarks on here, you do what is right (for YOU, and also your DF)

you're welcome, it's so difficult when you are the one in the middle of everything and everyone else is unconnected so they don't have the overwhelming noise that you will have in your head. i find it helps to take things down to really simple level, focus on what is right for you and your family first and foremost, what you are prepared to invest in terms of energy and time and what your boundaries are, and clearly and calmly communicate them. Simple statement on repeat if need be.

If she loses it, politely end the call/leave/whatever and tell her you are stepping away and will speak another time.

It's absolutely not right how she is behaving, but i know how hard it will be to change things. but change they must, otherwise the situation will blow up and that won't help anyone long term. Dealing with it sooner and gently will be more constructive.

The other thing that occurred to me was that it has been 18 months since he left, and at some point, he would move on, even if not with the OW. He could just as easily find someone else in the last 18 months, and it's long enough for a relationship to become more serious and talk about engagements/weddings, etc. - assuming that the new partner is potentially wanting kids, etc. There isn't all the time in the world for that in any case.

When WOULD it have been less of a shock to the STBXW? 2 years? 3? 5? EVER? By the sounds of it they DON'T have a constructive or successful co-parenting set up, and probably don't have any kind of dignified conversations - possibly no contact between them either, so when and how would he tell her?

I'm team woman all the way usually, but if she is like this now with her friends and acquaintances, what is she like to the Ex behind closed doors? She may have had things blissfully set up, but her H may not have been so supportive of this. He may not have been happy at all. Yup, affairs are not the way to improve a marriage, but maybe he tried talking to her, she could just as well shut him down like she's shut all the friends down since.

It's all speculation of course, but all anyone can do with her is give her the feedback and appropriate support now/future and move forwards. It doesn't sound like she wants to.

Very sad.
I would suggest you help her to get into the jobs market. If she is a sahm with DCs at school it’s a lonely life.
The other most important thing is to get a good divorce lawyer. She needs finances sorted in her favour - she won’t walk into a well paid job whilst running the home and the children with 0 experience.

That's absolutely rubbish for her and the children. What sort of man (or woman) just abandons their children to pursue a new love interest? What sort of woman can respect a man who does this? This is going to be really hard for your friend. You sound like a very lovely friend to her and she is very lucky to have you all and her parents, who also sounds extremely supportive. I hope she appreciates this at some level.

@Cornishcockleshells how are her children?

Well, I do agree, it is very unusual for a woman not to work. You have to question why she even went to university if it's been totally irrelevant to anything in her (non-existent) career.

Sorry, but the reason he will always have been working is because the wife didn't. I'm fed up of seeing people blamed for being absent and working too hard when they're the only one with financial responsibility for the household and all the pressure that comes with. Unfortunately during a cost of living crisis and a housing crisis, when people are dumped with all the financial responsibility then they really cannot afford to lose their jobs.

If the wife had worked instead of gardening and baking bread he might have been able to be around more.

She still needs your support OP, but be careful. Her remarks criticising what you're wearing and saying she feels sorry for your DH are concerning. Don't let her start treating your DH as a surrogate husband. Keep very clear boundaries.

agree with that poster.
It doesn't need to be aggressive or mean, or raise your voice, just a calm
"X, that comment was really cruel/mean/unnecessary. We understand you're going through a lot, but there is no excuse for taking it out on the people who are trying to support you."
or "Please don't say things like that X. We understand you're.... [same sentence]"
No need to labour the point, hopefully she will say sorry, and you can change the conversation, but make sure you address it every time.

Not to drip feed but would it make any difference if I said we also found out her dh was awful behind closed doors, this is why in part she has never worked. We all work, mixture of pt and ft. I always assumed she was happy not to work, but obviously she didn’t have the choice, he wanted a ‘proper’ wife and wouldn’t hear of it

Does she have other issues, who knows, the drink blots the pain, she’ll never be ready for a new man, unless she tackles her demons.

Oh gosh, that’s such a hard blow for her. x2. I suspect she will unravel further as you said. How gutting. I’m not sure what to suggest to you anymore. This will be hard for her to recover from. Please point her toward mental health services if you are concerned.

It’s not so much about him or a set time but the scale of change. I’m sure once she has got her own house/job/partner she won’t be so enmeshed in his life choices. But at the moment they are very much enmeshed.

Of course hearing all this while looking for a new home and re-entering the job market will throw her. Plus there’s plenty of resources on mediation sites or Relate that talk about the first few years (and the ‘first’ Christmas/birthday/new partner) as being unsettled.

@Cornishcockleshells at this stage how are the children coping with a mother in this state.

To be honest, there but for the grace of god go any of us. I’m not sure characterising her as a spiteful workshy drunk is super helpful. I wonder if people are uncomfortable acknowledging the level of good fortune all our lives are precariously based on and so it’s easier to paint her the outlier.

Yes, you've quoted this at me once before and my response is still the same. I think it is more likely than not that the OP's friend is lying. Feel free to read why in my other posts because I've already explained why four times.

I think she would be better off without a man for a while. She's never had a job since leaving university and I think she needs a chance to put her big girl pants on and become an independent woman.

Def, I meant is there a real reason, why she can’t get a job?

I feel awful for her.

Lots of “I would feel sorry for her, but she’s never worked”.

How disgraceful to “only be a mother who raises babies, gardens and bakes cakes”. Or to meet a nice man at University and become a SAHM.

Capitalism has got women turning against each other.

That's a bit disingenuous don't you think? The majority of critical posts come from the venomous bile and aggression she directs at people who are helping her and basically her nasty behaviour or do you think that's ok because she's a woman and that's all that matters?

I imagine it's pretty scary to get a job for the first time in what must be her 30s or even 40s but at the same time it will probably become the less scary option as the alternative will be barely any money to live on.

She's welcome to have all that good fortune but I for one am glad that nowadays the expectation is that after divorce both parties have to work. Pre-Wright vs Wright it wasn't right that some people were getting away with not working and living off someone they were estranged from.