Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

The betrayal, sudden change, and forcing of her hand into work must be dreadfully overwhelming. No wonder she is so angry and distraught. I'd have had 3 breakdowns by now!
Well yes the betrayal is awful, however I don't understand the 'forcing of her hand into work' I have no sympathy here, how can anyone in today's climate, in fact the last 70 odd years be shocked that in order to have an income, you might need to work?!

Events have overtaken this thread somewhat. Last night we found out that my friend’s dh is in fact engaged to be married as of Saturday, and they are expecting their first child next year. Despite the fact the divorce has not even been finalised yet.

My friend has unraveled, mainly because again he has blindsided her. He told the children before telling her, and now she has to listen to her dds excitedly talking about bridesmaid dresses and a baby sister. They seem oblivious at least.

There is no way I am going to be able to talk to her now, we spent all evening comforting her last night. This is a low blow. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse.

😞

Sadly I agree. That would drive me nuts if I was out working all day and someone was faffing around the house all day painting and gardening, especially if thats all they had done for over 20 years. I would imagine their lives were completely different. Hers very small and his at work, meeting different people with different things happening every day. I also wonder how much he was on board with this ( clearly not as he's run off with someone at work). He could have had an affair if he was fine with having a housewife at home presumably doing all the childcare, cooking and cleaning, and had the best of both worlds as many men do, but he left.

Change is hard. Obviously it's easier for those of us who have always worked but I can see why someone who never has and is now facing having to do it in their 40s would struggle to adjust. I can sympathise with that, even if I don't sympathise with all the nasty comments to her friends. She's also not going to have a lot of options with a blank CV so it won't feel like opportunity, at least not at first.

Read the latest update he's marrying and having children with her!

Isn't it illegal to marry someone before a divorce is final?

Yes that's not going to work if the divorce is not yet final!

Ah sorry I misread. He is engaged to be married.
Well OP this is worse but also you lot constantly comforting her isn't going to do any good. She needs professional help. You're not trained counsellors or therapists.

He is engaged and when the divorce comes through he will marry ow.

Honestly op you need to step back a bit, be less available, this level of support isn't actually doing your friend much good and turning her into an entitled and thoroughly nasty person to be around. she needs alone time to grieve and process what's happening to her, she needs to be alone with her thoughts. I know you mean well, but this isn't actually helping her.

It’s the biggest kick in the teeth. He has 3 children he barely has time for now in between his working hours and weekends away with ow. I am aware this is going to end up with my df doing everything for their dc, and he is doing next to nothing now despite being so hands on and committed before.

I've read all your updates OP. Christ alive, the poor woman, I feel sick for her.

Has this post not become incredibly identifiable now? I'd be very concerned about her finding it, it would be devastating.

Yes. I agree. I have read all of the posts, and despite the unwelcome development I do intend to be less available. If she is unkind to me or others I have now promised myself to call her out straight away. We have been reluctant to speak our minds, and treading gently to now but it hasn’t helped. I have a number for a counsellor to give to her later.

Thank you for all of your replies.

Yes exactly.
Please remove this thread OP

I can’t go into it on here, but we had to go last night, she was in a terrible state. No choice,

Deleted after updates

So it will become clear to the OP quite soon if her friend is making the control allegations up.

She’s going to get worse before she gets better @Cornishcockleshells

be there as long as it doesn’t harm you. Call her out regardless because it’s about time she knew that being upset at her exh and taking it out on you are not one and the same thing and she’s not entitled to do this to anyone

calling her out doesn’t need to be angry and aggressive, you can correct her gently and if she’s not listening then quietly step back and tell her that you’re going to.

That is perfect advice, and exactly what I will do. Such insight and wisdom on this thread. Thank you

This is awful. Is the OW stupid or something thinking he won't so the same to her.. your poor friend must be broken 😢

The fact that she is so reliant on others is not good. Her soon to be ex is not exactly helping is he? And no need for a pregnancy at this stage.
He will have plenty of unresolved issues and he’s just creating a new family to avoid them, good luck to the OW on that score.
At some point, when you hit rock bottom, the only way to feel it and move up a bit is to do so alone. It is not very pleasant, in fact it’s awful, but having friends on tap all the time just keeps you stuck. Of course, it’s great to have the support of your friends, but I have a feeling this is just going to go on and on and on.
Next it will be the endless narrative around a new marriage and baby. Like it or lump it, the DC are allowed to excited and involved.
You are a really, really good friend by the way!

That's assuming he did it to the OP's friend. Which is doubtful to say the least given:

1. Apparently he's not into women who work, but left his SAH wife to be with a colleague;

2. She has never worked, ever, since university which strongly indicates it was her who didn't want to work;

3. She's made no effort whatsoever to find work in the 18 months since separation;

4. The OP described her friend's idyllic life as a SAHM and how she seemed to enjoy the luxury of not having to be in employment;

5. She has a track record of making nasty and bitter comments about people since the separation so you don't need to make a huge leap of face to think she might slander her ex too.

It's not uncommon during a split for more than willing SAHPs to claim during divorce that they weren't allowed to work or that they sacrificed a career. It's normally baseless and said out of spite or bitterness, to elicit sympathy and to secure maintenance. The biggest clue is normally the lengths that they are willing to go to secure more of the assets and spousal maintenance and the comparative lack of effort they make to find a job.

I'm glad you've taken on some of the advice.

I think this level of support is not healthy for HER, it is enabling selfish, rude and entitled behaviour as she is currently exhibiting. Long term so much round the clock support will stifle her growth, growth which is is vital for her to thrive. E.g, instead of still venting and ranting about being expected to work after 18 months, she should by now be taking practical steps towards planning her future.

All this support from family and friends does is INFANTILIZE her, and she is behaving like a spoilt child.

Sad as it is for your friend that her ex has moved on - it has been 18 months. He left his wife and kids for this woman so of course he has gone all in. And, like it or not, he is entitled to push forward with his new relationship. Your friend has to find a way to orient herself in this new reality and stop making his choices central to her emotional state. The guy sounds like a horrible person, but that doesn’t help your friend. Nothing can help her except her own resolve to put the marriage behind her and move on, as he has done.