Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

I know a couple of women in real life who will not work despite their DH no longer being onboard with them being a SAHM once the kids have started school. The DH of one eventually left her for someone at work.

Same. They seemed to think SAHM meant stay at home forever.

Your friend is grieving and one of the stages of grief is anger. Her behaviour is normal for her situation, but that doesn't mean she gets to treat you and your other friends like dirt. This comment is co.pletely out of line. What did you/your friend say when she said this?

It's ok to call her on things that upset you.
It's ok to say "that's not very kind" or "what do you mean by that?" Or "are you trying to be hurtful?" Or "that's a low blow" or "I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that" or "that was rude"

She needs to be told that her comments are over the line before she loses the support she does have.

A terrible thing had happened to her but that doesn’t mean she can behave how she wants & upset old friends.

I would go low contact & hope that she eventually snaps out of it.

I have to admit that I'm also a bit cynical about the awful, controlling ex who forced her not to work. She literally never had a job, even for 15-20 years before having children following University? That's incredibly unusual and suggests someone who just doesn't want to work. Given that she's also making no effort to find a job or looking into training now, it does make you wonder if she has made this up so that her friends feel more sorry for her.
It's totally understandable that she is devastated by her DH leaving suddenly, anyone would be but it doesn't mean that you need to behave in a horrendous way to your friends who have been trying to support you. It is also 18 months down the line, not a few weeks or months. I wonder if she is behaving terribly to the DC too. Do you think she is drinking heavily or using drugs to account for this huge change in her behaviour? Whatever the case is, she needs to start helping herself; she can't expect never ending support from others while she makes none and behaves horribly.

I'd really strongly be encouraging her to do some sort of short course or training simply to give her an outlet for her mental energy.

Something to focus on and see she's good at. Her entire self worth was wrapped up in a man who has rejected her.

You know this isn't really true but she doesn't yet. The RHS do some courses if she is green fingered.

She does sound in a bad way. Is she so rude and unkind when she's sober or just when drunk? If so the vicious attacks maybe part of an alcohol addiction.
Whatever part the booze is playing, I think the kindness and most useful thing t would be to tell your friend seriously and calmly, at some point when she's sober and you're in a private place together, that she is being really unpleasant to her friends, including you, and it is making you very unhappy. No more than that - no suggestions or reassurances. If she asks for examples of her unpleasantness, have a few ready to give her, but don't offer them unless she asks.

I suspect she does ultimately need a new friendship group.

This is not because OP is not being a good friend, but just the circumstances of her life have changed so dramatically that the old friendship group doesn't really fit anymore.

The men are all still maintaining their friendship with the STXH - so she can't go to any couples events anymore.
And the women now have a total different lifestyle to her as a single mum. So while inviting and paying for her to come on a spa day is a very generous thing to do, it is also a reminder that 18 months ago she wouldn't have needed paying for.

For her this friendship group has probably run it's course. She might stay in touch with one or two of the group separately but the days of coming to, and enjoying, large group events with everyone are done.

But OP is neither of the people to blame so why should she put up with being bullied or the punching bag for the friends anger especially when she has gone out of her way to be nice.

If you treat everyone like shit you end up alone, doesn't matter if someone else treat you like shit you don't get to pass it off as shit rolls on and just shit on others.

In my experience dealing with divorces as a day job, this is a very common root cause especially where the higher earner (normally the man but not always) has instigated the split. There might have been some agreement that one person will stay at home for a couple of years until nursery; then it's until the children start primary school and then it's normally when the stay at home spouse starts demanding that they don't have to get a job until secondary school that the higher earner normally snaps.

There's all kinds of reasons for this. Couples with such different roles to play often begin to grow apart; there's often a lot of financial pressure even where the person working is doing well in their job and resentment builds as the stay at home person thinks they "do it all" whilst the person working feels all the financial pressure and resents barely seeing their children until the weekend.

I'm not saying that people should never be SAHPs or that this arrangement could never work. However, both people need to be totally onboard with it and often the person working just isn't nowadays. Where there is reluctance then often they have been coerced into their "sole provider" role with lines like "well, childcare will cost more than I can earn" or "what about the school holidays?"

My advice to any SAHPs married to people who don't absolutely love their jobs and prefer the total freedom to excel in their careers rather than spend time with their children is to think very carefully about whether what they're doing is sustainable and fair on both people.

There is a saying that adversity doesn't build character but reveals it.

I think that in many cases this is true.

Goodness. Not RTFT yet but she really doesn't sound like a very nice person. It's easy to be smiley and serene when you're wafting around enjoying your Bohemian lifestyle; it's when times are tough you see a person's true character. Yes allowances should be made for what she's going through but not to this extent, being spiteful and contemptuous is not because she's going through heartache but rather the stress of the situation is showing you what's beneath the surface.

I think the best thing you could do for her as a friend is be very honest with her the next time she makes any kind of unpleasant comment. Maybe it will be a wakeup call and in a few years time she will actually be a better person for it - if she goes out and tries to make the best of things rather than being resentful and self-pitying.

This is why anger is one of the deadly sins. It damages not only the people who are the butt of the cruelty and gracelessness, but it is corrosive to the ‘sinner’. It is even worse for them, because you and the other friends can and will heal from the hurt or embarrassment the angry person causes, but they will just step deeper into the fiery pit of their own resentment and rage.

I am on the side of those who have advised you to confront the angry behaviour, quite possibly by letter ( although you have no means of knowing how much will be read). I don’t think you have much to lose from this course of action. Including your friend in the gatherings and events in which she participated in ‘happier times’ may be rubbing salt into the wound by reminding her of what she will see as her ‘loss’.

Maybe, just maybe, a serious conversation about trying to work through her anger ( and the self medication she is using) could help her to move into the next phase of her life. Because she is going to have to take some positive steps, or she risks losing even more . If she is drunk around the children, she is putting them and her role in their life at risk, which would be even more devastating.

You are doing your best, OP. Permit me to say, you are a good friend for persevering, and I wish you and your friend calmer waters ahead.

My BFF's husband suddenly died at 38, leaving her with 2 under 5s in August.

She's managed not to call any of her friend's fat or say she feels sorry for our husbands, and she'll be back at work long before 18 months is up.

Yep, your friend's DH has treated her badly and she's had a knock to the ego. It's about time she picked herself up and stopped blaming everyone else for her problems.

So he wouldn't let her work but left her for someone he met at work. Wonder if she is giving up her job to pander to his needs.( Not the point of the thread!)

Call me a cynic but she could easily be one of the people who go on the divorce boards asking if they should get a job now or wait for a better settlement. Then dressing up her own self worth by claiming to her friends that the reason she cannot work is someone else's fault. It's not unheard of.

I think talking to her is important - if you do want to save the friendship, it's your only hope since it can't go on as it is - but I'd be very wary of doing it by letter. That's something that people intend suggest because it's easier for the writer and you think you're preventing the recipient from being put on the spot, but in my experience people do not respond well to it. It's often seen as a way of having your say whils not being available for their response. Even a text message or email might go down better, as you have a readily available channel to reply in a way you haven't with a letter.

If you really do want to get her to engage positively with it, you'd also need to phrase it so it doesn't sound accusatory even though obviously she has been behaving really badly. It's hard but I think it's the only way you might be able to resolve this, if you do want to try.

Excellent point. It makes me even more suspicious of it being the wife not wanting to work rather than the husband forcing her not too. This will be a great acid test.

Who knows why she didn't work? Neither she or her ex are likely telling the truth, plus the reasons are lost in time.

My MIL didn't work after getting married. By the time I met her and FIL they were co-existing in a state of mutual bitterness. They both gave very different, valid and believable reasons why she hadn't worked and what the other thought about this - however they were two totally incompatible accounts. Something had gone very wrong a long time ago and now they were both stuck with it.

Her grief over her marriage does not give her the right to be unkind and perpetually morose. I would tell her exactly that, and if she responds with ugly language then she is choosing to end the friendship.

@Redmat have i missed where it says he wouldn’t let her work??? The OP indicates that it seemed she didn’t want to work

It's an unknown. The OP has suggested the friend claims she was not allowed to work. But all the circumstantial evidence including:

1. That her husband left her for someone who worked;
2. That she appeared to love the SAH lifestyle;
3. That she never had a job, ever, even just after graduation; and
4. Isn't seeking work now

Does seem to suggest it was more likely that not working was a choice and claims to the contrary are a narrative to secure sympathy and maintenance.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

I'd have pulled her up sharply at the time over the DH comment. And not even a thank you?

Hell no.

You need to address all of this with her. It's been 18 months. She's not trying to find a life, she's trying to tear down yours, and no doubt others', while she continues to wallow. I'd make it clear you cannot and you will not continue to be there for someone who is not only focused 100% on her own navel, but is now being deliberately unkind and nasty, and not even showing basic manners when friends do nice things for her. Like you funding a spa day out.

Maybe, who knows. The bottom line is that her DH choosing to leave for someone else doesn't give her the green light to be a total bitch to her old friends who are trying to help her. I'm sure we all have friends whose husbands cheated on them, causing the marriage to breakdown, and some will have been in that situation themselves. @MrsSunshine2b's poor friend lost her husband at a very young when she had children to care for, which is absolutely devastating. I've not seen anyone behave like this because something horrible happened to them.
It does sound as if @Cornishcockleshells needs to have an honest conversation and take a big step back if that doesn't go well.

This is true but it's also why I would always recommend to a higher earner who is not happy with the situation and has lost respect for their spouse to bite the bullet as soon as possible. Be clear that they want the other spouse to work and if they don't, divorce when the other spouse is young enough to be expected to find work and become independent and cannot just rely on maintenance and a hefty chunk of the higher earner's pension.

You can still be her friend whilst setting strong boundaries around what behaviour you accept from her.