Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

Glad you have decided to address it op

an update would be great

You need to step back a bit op. And your friend needs some new friends too.

I suspect that she has a drink problem and that she needs help. But it doesn’t sound like she’s ready for that. That’s her choice of course but if I’m right, it will be adversely affecting her children.

Are you suggesting we are not doing enough or that new friends would be a fresh start?

I wonder if we ever use the term bitter to describe men or is it just used for women?

Despite my previous comment about her wallowing, there is a very, very small part of me that can understand why she thought (not said) what she did.

She is humiliated. And that spilled out.

She thought being beautiful, loving, slim (I presume), having her H's children, keeping a wonderful home etc would be enough. She gave him her best, to her detriment by kowtowing to his wish that she didn't work. To find out that your best is not enough is totally humiliating. I have been there.

Then she sees another woman in a happy marriage, maybe not as "good-looking" in her eyes, maybe overweight, with a husband who adores her and thinks "that isnt how it should be. How can SHE still have her husband when I tried so hard and mine went off?" I had a period of thinking this way, fortunately not for long and I never ever said anything to upset my friends.

It is warped and totally wrong, and she should have kept her nasty views to herself. But she didn't and needs to be told that she has gone way too far.

Someone who isn’t scared of being around anger needs to sit her down and tell her bluntly that they love her but she needs to calm down now if she wants to keep her friends.

I have met bitter men too, ones that were not as professionally successful as they hoped, ones that had relationships end in my early days. Bitter summarises what is happening in this instance.

It could be an idea to say all of this in a letter.

I know several men who could be and are described this way. I don’t think it is restricted to women, or atleast not in my own circles.

That assumes that she is not lying about her ex's expectations about her working. Given that she's done nothing to find work since the separation I'm somewhat skeptical that her claims that she didn't work because she wasn't allowed are true. It's also incredibly odd that she chose to never work since university; if she had ever wanted to work I suspect she would have ended the relationship then surely?

That’s it. She did give her marriage everything, absolutely her all. She was always Mother Earth with her long skirts and little children holding on. Baking the bread and cakes, truly content in her world.

It is heartbreaking what has happened to her and brings tears to my eyes. Yes she was everything and it wasn’t enough. No wonder she is so confused and upset because no one could have tried harder.
And she lost herself in her role to some degree, but she can still paint, garden and grow somewhere else, but she has lost all will to even think about it.

I think you were right to not call her out when she was drunk.

But I think you need to text her and tell her what she said and how the comments really hurt you.

Her reply will tell you everything you need to know.

Been there, got that tee-shirt. Now 12 years on and she is still bitter. The friendship group is not what it was as people found her bitterness and moaning draining. Her divorce dominated meet-ups for a couple of years.

She frittered away loads of money, hoped the ex would bail her out (he didn’t), struggled to find a job as she considered most things beneath her but now has to work to 68 to pay off the mortgage.

Now just meet her for coffee occasionally. She reminisces about our old meet-ups and fun-times but then the comparisons start again.

I recommend letting her suggest meet ups but don’t be so readily available. Comparison is the thief of joy especially when she starts comparing children, saying how yours have many more advantages

OP having seen someone in a similar position they turned to alcohol and it became her new bestie.
Is there a chance your friend could be an alcoholic? Because if she is, it could explain her behaviours.

Maybe her DH wasn’t on board with the ‘Earth mother’ stuff as the kids were in school. Maybe he wanted her to work.

I know a couple of women in real life who will not work despite their DH no longer being onboard with them being a SAHM once the kids have started school. The DH of one eventually left her for someone at work.

Some drunks can be very cruel and say things they don't mean (or other times, in vino veritas!)

If you want to say anything let it be something like.

"we know you are hurting right now, but hurting us is not going to make things better for you. It will make it worse, we know you are testing us in way that you can no longer test your husband. He hurt you so badly that you may feel afraid to trust anyone and are pushing us away rather than being abandoned again. We love you but are not punching bags for your grief. Our mental health is important too. We need it in order to support you. All this will pass."

There is a lot to be said for her working there is not much else that gives you a sense of accomplishment and reward, but it will be a huge leap for her.

That certainly doesn't sound like someone who was forced not to work. That sounds like someone who never wanted to be in employment and always wanted to stay at home with the children. That's now going to be taken away from her because she will have to get a job to mitigate her circumstances and that's why she's bitter.

The trouble is that you can say someone like this "tried hard" but in the 21st century there just aren't that many people who are happy to carry the entire financial load whilst the other gets the lion's share of time with the children. It's really old fashioned and it's not what husbands want to do anymore. It could well be the reason he found a colleague more interesting to be with. Sorry, I know it's harsh, but that tends to be the truth of it nowadays.

Maybe this IS her true self now, @Cornishcockleshells ? It's easy enough to be as nice as pie when it's all roses round the door, but perhaps she was ALWAYS thinking "how did fatty managed to snare HIM??" It's just she had a few filters. But now when her own life has taken something of a turn, she no longer has the energy to hide her "authentic" self.

She appears to have led a charmed life until her husband left. And now she has friends and family running round in circles trying to support and appease her. Most people don't get that. Their husbands leave, some pay maintenance, many don't and simply sail off into the sunset never to be seen again, leaving the woman to shoulder the burden themselves. They have to carry on without all their pals playing nursey to them and getting shit in response.

I think she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet now. Although I don't envy a middle-aged (?) person who's never worked trying to enter the job market for the first time.

Why wouldn’t we?

I also agree with @ssd regarding her needing new friends. Not to say you aren't being good friends but you are all very much reminding her of what she no longer has.

A friend of mine went through similar to your friend and she recently told me she had to stop seeing a lot of old friends as she just found it too painful at that time of her life. She needed friends who were in a similar situation - she also said that people telling her how strong she was and to get a job very tiresome especially when these women were not in her situation.

So, I would give her space. My friend is 5 years down the road and doing wonderfully well now.

Another vote for YANBU, as one who has been through a shattering and unexpected divorce. It sounds like you’ve been great and supportive friends but this isn’t a free pass to treat people badly. It’s important to maintain your own boundaries too - they don’t have to be subsumed by her trauma; your needs are important as well.

I would look at it this way - if someone can gently and supportively tackle it with her, you’ll be doing her a favour as life will be much harder if she loses her friends (and she will if she carries on like this). My friends have been a lifeline in recent years.

She really, really ought to have counselling. I did because I couldn’t put everything on my friends and family - that simply wouldn’t have been fair. And it was a safe space for all that anger to come out, which it sounds like she needs.

Good luck, OP.

She is obviously struggling so I wouldn't necessarily drop her but it's not okay for her to treat you poorly either. I would be honest eg "I thought I was doing something nice for you in taking the day off and organising a spa day for both of us but I feel like you've complained so much in not sure you appreciate it".

OR "I know this is really rubbish and difficult for you but try to remember we are your friends and we are trying to help. Sometimes it feels like you don't appreciate us" then leave her to sit in it until she realises and says sorry or tries harder

A lot of people just don't have much self awareness so she may not realise