Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

Did you pay for the spa day OP?

If you did this was absolutely awful behaviour from your friend.

I would not have a heart to heart at all. Next time she speaks to you that way you either pull her up or you pack up and tell her that was last time she spoke to you that way. She can contact you when she is willing to treat you kindly. And then go silent.

There's no point having a conversation. The problem is she has lost sight of her boundaries with you. Draw them back in. She needs a reminder of her role in a friendship, and it can not be support all one way.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can possibly do is be honest.

It sounds like she's a close friend, and you care about her, so don't beat around the bush. Do her a favour, and reflect back to her how her behaviour will turn people against her. Tell her that if she continues to be unkind and bitter towards you, you'll have to step aside.

I do wonder if some part of her bitterness and anger may also be misdirected towards herself? If you say she married directly after Uni and never worked she's suddenly not only facing up to the end of her dream marriage, and becoming a single mum, but the realisation that she's going to struggle to find gainful employment and support herself moving forward. She surely needs support through counselling to get her through this, so she can move forward and help her DC, and more so if her friends haven't the lived experience to help her. Can you help her find a counsellor? It sounds like she doesn't have the resilience yet on her own as she sounds stuck and sadly won't find help she surely needs at the bottom of a bottle.

I’m sure you haven’t because you seem very aware of your friends feelings but is there any chance you’ve unwittingly said things that would upset her? Like moaning about life stuff? It’s not the same situation but earlier this year I lost a very wanted and long tried for baby. My friend got pregnant with her second just before me and she’s due in a few weeks. there have been a few times she’s complained about being too tired and how hard the pregnancy has been (all incredibly valid things to moan about) but there have been times when I’ve thought…pick your audience. Again I’m not saying you have done this but I guess it’s worth a thought? (Also it doesn’t excuse her saying things - even when I’ve thought bitter things I’ve only voiced them to my husband!)

I know someone like this married very young after getting pregnant, never had a job, had a beautiful home, as much money as she wanted. Husband left her. She got to keep the house, car, kids. Plenty of money still. He never saw them again, his choice.

She's now part of our extended family. It's the strangest thing and took me a few years to work out. She's stuck in teenage mode emotionally and mentally.

Her own daughter a wife and mother herself gets exasperated with trying to cope with this middle aged child.

It's time and experience of life it's ups and downs that she has missed out on. She may start dating again and that's interesting observing a middle aged woman dating like a giddy teenager.

So @Cornishcockleshells you may be dealing with this type of woman/child

@Lincoln24

I just wanted to say how moving and insightful I found your post. Sorry for your loss. You obviously have a great strength of character.

Trouble is it won't work out like that nowadays. Unless there's millions stashed away somewhere she'll get a settlement that still leaves her having to work so if she is as you suggest stuck in teenage mode then she'll be forced to grow up rather quickly. It's not like the old days; back when the MCA 1973 was written, as soon as a woman had a child judges thought she could never work again!

Yes, for all the women who spend their husband's money. So it wasn't the man's money right

No it's not. This level of bitterness is NOT normal. Stop trying to normalise shitty behaviour. Plenty of people experience pain and loss worse than hers and manage not to lash out at the people trying to support them.

It's family money during the marriage but at the point of divorce it's normally a fair split and on you way nowadays. It's quite rare that either person can afford to not work because there just isn't enough money to go around. In the old days the higher earner who didn't have primary custody of the children might have ended up with significantly less than half of the assets and have to pay spousal maintenance on top of that but nowadays the court will take a good hard look at the extent to which a potential recipient of maintenance or more than half the assets can support themselves first.

I've read this three times and I still don't see what point you're trying to make. Is it something pertinent or is it just one of the standard posts where men trawl Mumsnet purely to complain that the mostly female userbase doesn't prioritise or centre them?

YANBU - BUT having once been in her shoes I can totally understand why she feels like she does. It is a phase that will pass, but in the meantime if I was you, just back away for a while so she can sort herself out. I can attest that counselling is close to useless for these situations. She might do better joining a support group for people going, or have gone through, a similar transition.

Bear in mind that it's not just her DH she has lost, she has also lost her previous lifestyle which is very hard to come to terms with. Also she has become a single parent against her will - this alone would be stressful.

Time will heal these wounds but it's a case of being patient.

I think that's a bit harsh. I don't think you can really have a conversation about break ups - especially those with children - without considering both men and women 99% of the time. It's also just a fact of life that despite years of progress we still seem to find ourselves in a society where it's more socially acceptable for a woman to stay home with children than it is for a man and where women still tend to marry men who earn more than them than vice versa. Of course as a result, there can often appear to be very strong gender roles in divorce (breadwinner man and SAH woman) and people will feel strongly about that.

In reality, we're all equal under the law but we're not all equal in society and there are both men and women who aren't getting to live the lives that they want because of societal pressure. Discussing one without the other doesn't give a complete picture, in my humble opinion.

This may be true, but it doesn't really have any relevance to a cryptic post about men and their money, or the men who do indeed come to MN purely to complain that it's not ManKind.

I hope you stuck up for your friend who she insulted?

My DP is very bitter about his ex and I tell him frequently how bitter he is. Bitterness is not reserved for women, nor is the terminology.

i know one who left… to just not be with her! No one waiting in the wings.

OP I don’t envy you your position. Your friend sounds to me as if she is having a breakdown- understandably. Her world as she knows it is gone and unfortunately her remedy to it is to avoid it through alcohol and vitriol.

not sure if anyone has mentioned this but would it be possible to get her involved in some support groups for people struggling with their mental health. Sometimes it’s easier for Someone to chat in a group rather than one on one. Her nastiness is horrible to be subjected to - that’s not ok. I agree with pp - back off and if she asks why explain that you seem to be upsetting her. Her exdh is awful!! She sounds far too good for him.

What was she doing for the 15 odd years before she had her kids?

I don't think what you've described is normal behaviour of seperated/divorced women. I have been through similar twice and while I really do miss having the practical support of a partner, I really try not to compare myself with others and wouldn't dream of being so unpleasant to my friends.

Is it the drink? Is she saying this stuff when she's drunk?

Quite. People go through absolute tragedies and still manage not to be a total bitch to others.

Her mask has slipped when drunk and she's saying what she really thinks. The alcohol has loosened her tongue but those nasty thoughts were already in her head.

I can't believe you sat on the fence to be honest in the face of such nastiness. Your "fat" friend must feel so upset and let down.

The first three years after a break up with kids are generally the worst, everything is still in flux.

I wouldn’t do anything dramatic but just pull back for a bit, it will all calm down.

I don't know. You tell me.

I've never known of anyone ever describing a man as bitter, other than on this thread. Only women.

OP are you and ‘the girls’ a group?

I had a group of friends and after I got divorced I couldn’t put my finger on it but I came away from our gatherings feeling a bit flat and odd. When there was alcohol I had too much. I’m fine with it now (9 years on!) but did step away.

My divorce was acrimonious and it also troubled me the other husbands were close- I felt I couldn’t relax and needed to be guarded about so much nonsense.

Not my experience….

But did you ask any of them why they still were married as they were so fat, and say you felt sorry for their husbands?

I understand single people might want/need single friends, but there’s no need to shit on your coupled friends. It’s not their fault she’s divorced.