Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

Don't hold your breath.

We were part of a friendship group of 8 couples. Some of us have known each other since primary school, some of us married into the group in our twenties . We are in our sixties now so it's a very long lasting friendship even among the blow-ins.

About 18 years ago one of the men left his wife and understandably she took it very hard. Financially she is fine, set for life, living mortgage free in a million pound house and with a share of his pensions and their savings but she was very shaken and lonely.

The women in the group rallied round, made sure she was included in any girls lunches/trips/weekends away, met for coffee, chatted, etc. An accountant among us helped her sort out her finances. At the same time the men in the group stuck by the DH. When there were mixed sex meet-ups the wife would be invited first and if she couldn't make it then the husband (and after a few years, his new wife) could be invited. The husband was fine with this - he felt guilty about leaving her and wanted her to have other support around her.

This went on for nearly 15 years. At the end of that time she was as angry and bitter as she was at the start. Every social event she'd lead by saying 'I'm totally over Peter' and then rant and complain about him all night. TBH I think most people were getting very tired of her. I certainly tried to avoid her but she was a very old friend and I hoped she'd eventually get back to her old self.

3 years ago one of the men had a big party for his 60th. He and the ex husband have been besties since they were about 10. They were best men for one another and are godparents to one another's DC. He decided it was more important to have his best mate Peter there than the ex-wife. To her credit, the birthday boy's wife took the ex wife out for coffee and explained the situation - her husbands reasoning and that the ex wife was still welcome and we'd rally round and help her avoid Peter.

She did not take it well. She walked out of the coffee shop and removed herself from all our WhatsApp groups. A couple of women texted/phoned her a few times and one actually wrote to her but she has not responded. After 30+ years of friendship and 15 years of emotional and practical support she ghosted an entire group.

And as Uncle Bryn would say 'And I, for one, am glad!' She was a massive PITA the last few years.

I agree. I can't believe she said she feels sorry for your husband!! what an awful thing to say.
I think she's had almost too much support and hasn't really begun to process it, that will happen when you all back off a bit and she really has to sit with herself and deal with her emotions.

Agree, this woman does not sound anything like someone who would be a handmaiden or put other people before her!!

her dh was awful behind closed doors, this is why in part she has never worked. We all work, mixture of pt and ft. I always assumed she was happy not to work, but obviously she didn’t have the choice, he wanted a ‘proper’ wife and wouldn’t hear of it.

This sounds almost exactly like a friend of mine. I've no idea if her DP was all she said he was but it is almost the same story.
My friend had a drink problem.

Yes @Cornishcockleshells what @InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom suggests is sensible

This happened to me too. I backed right off. Eventually, after some months, I received a text of apology to which I responded telling her not to worry etc. However the majority of friendships she had before were on the whole never the same again. After her traumatic divorce, she preferred to surround herself with people who had also suffered in the same way as her, and shared similar problems regarding coparenting etc, which was understandable.

OP, u will need to be cruel to be kind. You need to have an honest conversation with your friend. She has every right to be hurt and bitter and would benefit from counselling but won't engage in it. I suggest you tell her how bitter and destructive she is becoming. In the longterm, these feelings end up being corrosive. The disadvantage of your friend not working is that she has relied entirely n her husband and has no diversion for the bomb that has imploded in her 'perfect' life. No such thing and no-one is exempt

We go for beach walks often near where we live, and she cries and I sometimes feel relieved because the crying is easier than anger.

For those wondering why we put up with it, the weight comment was shock, she was met with silence, as I just couldn’t believe she had said it. The other comments are much more subtle, not outrageous at all just the odd dig here or there.

She has a lovely life, this is her first serious heart break and she isn’t coping very well.

She’s just walking under a dark cloud and can’t see anything around her. I’ve never ever felt the grief (since my dad died) of dh saying he’s not sure he loves me anymore. For weeks I had to make myself put one foot in front of the other and would cry every day and every night (difficult with kids and trying to act like nothing is wrong!!) and as for the ‘financially she’ll be fine’- which would you rather- money or your life with your dh by your side as he said he would be when you walked down the aisle?!!

Saying that, I don’t know what can get through to her- to all suggesting marriage counselling- out of the people I know who’ve gone, a percentage got something life changing out of it, others came out bitter that in the end everything was still the same- it’s a mindset thing, which, op, is your friend’s problem unfortunately. As others have said maybe say it and see how you go. Well done for all you’ve done to date x

Clearly her life wasnt lovely if she had an abusive or narcissistic dh.

I would not cut her loose but try to talk to her firmly but kindly.

She has a lovely life, this is her first serious set back and she isn’t coping very well.

oh op. Sorry, I’m back, you can’t say this!!!!! This is the biggest setbacks life can hand you outside of death and health issues!!! It’s not a bloody competition!!! And you don’t know how you’d go through it because you haven’t and hopefully never will!

If she has reached a stage where she begrudges you your happiness and good fortune then she's no longer a friend.

This sounds more likely!
All this pandering to her and expecting friends to put up with verbal abuse is ridiculous.

I meant to say this is her first serious heart break, he is her one and only partner. It’s not like my dh and I whom had relationships before meeting each other. He is all she has ever known.

I think major set backs like this expose underlying character. You get the people who are hard to be around for a while but acknowledge what they are doing and get back to their usual self, and then the ones who stoke their sense of bitterness and anger - a kind of 'how dare this happen to me'. One woman I knew through a group was awful, completely unsympathetic when I was losing a parent on the grounds that 'everybody has lost someone'. Regardless of the fact she used the death of her spouse 10 years earlier as a get out of jail free card whenever she was called out about bad behaviour and would introduce the fact she had been widowed into every conversation. In this case if she is drinking heavily there may be hope she is not fundamentally a jerk. But for your own sake, you need to take a step back and tell her why.

I meant to say this is her first serious heart break, he is her one and only partner. It’s not like my dh and I whom had relationships before meeting each other. He is all she has ever known.
But they got married- vowed about staying together forever, you think this is your person who has your back for life. Plus your family is prised apart and everything you knew changes. Very different to any other break ups.

The only thing I disagree with is that women have always worked. The only women who did not work were those who could afford not to, this was never most women. The significant rise in non-working women occurred with the children of the baby boomer generation, where salarys increased but even then, most women were employed. It's worth noting that the divorce rate surged among that specific group the new middle class where the wife was a homemaker, which suggests that we are now seeing the results of middle-class women becoming completely disconnected from their perceived rightful standard of living, as it was never theirs; it belonged to their husband. Your contrtubition to the home as no fisical impact outside the home for YOU.

I would respond sharply to a friend who was this cheeky and I agree that this perspective reflects a raw, unfiltered take, so that was in her you undetstand those thoughts. Take a moment to think of people you know who have suffered terrible losses—did they engage in body-shaming? If they did, it might be time to rethink your friend group. Or more likely you have a clearer picture of your friends character.

She calls her life lovely, and things like perfect, not me, it was everything she has ever wanted. A beautiful big house with sea views in her childhood village. Her dh was/is successful, her children are so lovely. On paper she has/had everything. It’s only since he left she told us some of the other things about him, I accept she may be ensuring we would stand by her, as all of the dhs are also friends and some do a hobby together. It’s been awkward all round from that pov.

I accept she hasn’t as much as applied for a job because she has been in pieces really. I can’t imagine how she would get through an interview at the moment.

Not to drip feed but would it make any difference if I said we also found out her dh was awful behind closed doors, this is why in part she has never worked. We all work, mixture of pt and ft. I always assumed she was happy not to work, but obviously she didn’t have the choice, he wanted a ‘proper’ wife and wouldn’t hear of it.

But she did have a choice and she chose not to work. She chose to marry and stay with a man who wouldn't 'let' her work.

I'd have publicly pulled her up there and then when she made the comment about your friend. And I imagine your friend is gutted that noone said anything.

My ex-husband is, 8 years later, still in the bitter phase and I think even his own family are a bit 'enough already'. I think people would be more sympathetic if he was more 'I've lost someone I loved so much' and less 'how dare she leave me'. Someone can have something objectively very bad happen to them but also be kind of an asshole. It can't become an excuse for treating other people poorly and certainly not as more and more time passes. I've had a couple of friends have horrendous things happen to them - frankly much worse than this scenario - and they are still fundamentally decent people who treat people decently. And if they are feeling particularly low or even bitter, they retreat rather than attack because they know they are being unfair.

She has a lovely life, this is her first serious heart break and she isn’t coping very well.

If her ex husband is an arsehole who didn't let her work then this is not her first setback. She is probably aggravated by the fact that he clipped her wings for years and now he's left her high and dry when she could have been setting herself up all those years. The security might have been her consolation for him being an arse and now she's lost it. And right now her life isn't lovely, far from it. She's heartbroken, blindsided and in a period of huge upheaval. Would you find it lovely?

She absolutely shouldn't be making these sorts of comments, of course. It's inexcusable. Still, I think I can sort of see how someone on the cusp of mental collapse will be trapped in their own head and just say things because they aren't really connected to the world. You don't have to put up with it but if she really is usually a great person, you might be able to forgive her for being her worst self at her worst time if she's in any way receptive to trying to be better. If not...I guess she's made her choice.

Edit: Your original said setback, not heartbreak...I responded accordingly.

Take a step back to protect yourself. Unhappy people like this can be very hurtful and there’s no point sticking your hand in a hornet’s nest frankly. She probably won’t even mind. Doesn’t sound like your spa day cheered her up anyway. You don’t need to rescue her.

I’d try my best to be there for her, as it sounds like she’s had a horrible time and this is out of character. But I would 100% pick her up, politely, if she makes horrible comments. Not a blazing row, but “Gosh Nat, that’s a horrible thing to say, where did that come from.” Or “My goodness that was rude.” If she’s bad company just make your excuses and leave “Look it’s obvious that you’re not enjoying this today, let’s both head home and meet up again when you’re more in the mood.”

Putting up with really bad behaviour does her no favours- so give her some leeway but do have some boundaries which you’re happy to maintain.

If you want to carry on being her friend, and think she's nearing a nervous breakdown, I'd go with the 'you do need to see the GP, medical help, therapy' and encourage her to seek help with her drinking.

This is going to be pretty awful for her children as well, if she's like this around them. My mum was devastated when my dad left her for another younger woman (lucky as it turned out as he was a cheating arse more than once) but she did not ever speak badly about my dad or try to turn us against him. She let us draw our own conclusions, allowed us to have or not a relationship with him and it was so clear he was an arse and she was not that it didn't need spelling out.

I appreciate that, it allows me to see my dad for what he is but also to have a long term relationship with him, which over 20 odd years later, is important to me.

Perhaps it's not coming on them, perhaps it's just all saved for you, but if she's that close to the edge, it'll be spilling everywhere. I'd tell her quite gently but bluntly that she needs medical/GP/therapy/advice to support her, and explain that compassionately once, I'd then back right away as I don't have friends who say nasty things about me, no exceptions.

I didn’t want to make light of her situation so I edited because obviously this is far more than just a set back. It’s tsunami for her and I choose the wrong words in that post.

She said she had the perfect life, and now it’s all in tatters and she will never recover from it. It’s clearly a long way from perfect now. She is having to move house because he has insisted on it, he intends to buy a house with the OW and needs one big enough for the dc to stay.

It seems split between I should be pulling her up and she needs to pull herself together and others saying take a quiet step back and be there for her in a reduced capacity.

Our friend was very upset about the weight comment, and a few of the girls have taken a step back after that in solidarity with her, I have sat on the fence if I’m honest.