Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

OP - did her husband stop her from working? (That you know of)

If you have sat on the fence and not at least pulled back with less contact, then you are enabling her. It is not acceptable for her to be abusive to anybody, no matter the explanation.

Can you imagine the reaction on here if the sexes were reversed, her husband had never worked, ever.
She needs to learn to support herself, if she's not willing to take that on board you're better off distancing yourself from her

In the past she had been supremely happy with not working. I know this because it meant she could paint ( she is good at painting) and she could have chickens, dogs etc and she grows all her own veg and fruit. She is always gardening. It always seemed like she was in her element, but what do we know?

She also seemed very happily married. I never got the impression he was mean or controlling. He is/was a good father. I don’t know how this has happened tbh. They seemed very happy. It might have been for show, but she never once gave me cause to feel concerned.

Agree.

This happened to my Mum. My dad had an affair seven years ago and the bitterness never stopped. I struggle to be around her now because every conversation leads back to my Dad. If a small thing happens then my Dad has done something worse.

She has barely any friends anymore because I imagine they struggle be around her too. Her friends tentatively tried to tell her but she didn’t listen. I do wonder if things would have been different if one of them would have sat her down and had a very frank chat about it though.

You know I read this and I can see that in a group dynamic like this, despite years of socialising - there are always 'outsiders' ... I think the term used here is 'blow ins'. It doesn't make a jot of difference how accommodating people are, you can sense if you are being accommodated rather than truly an integral part of the group.

Like the language here.... 'one of men left his wife ' ... The first loyalty of the group is to the man... The wife is being accommodated by the other wives- rallying around- and then being pissed 15 years later when the men want to celebrate together first...

Because all that 15 years was fine. But it was about being accommodating and accommodated.

I suspect the woman here OP in your group feels the same. She feels it. You feel it. But it's fleeting and you just can't quite grasp it. It's a difference that is blindingly obvious but no one wants to admit.

An interesting post.

Sounds like your friend is heading in a similar direction OP.

Unfortunately and very sadly some people never recover from a break up.

I knew someone who had to be admitted because of it, and it still affects her terribly some 25 years later.

This is hard as she's so heartbroken. She sounds like she needs a focus outside of it. Having the time to find a job after the split is a privilege, it also means she has more time to ruminate on everything and that may not be helpful. Could she start volunteering to get something on her CV and give her something outside of the heartbreak? This is the second thread I've seen with a heartbroken women who has tons of support who seems to be coping worse than someone without as much, there was another one about a sister. I wonder if having to do things for yourself/work/study is a distraction.

So why did he apparently 'not let her work'...?

Be honest. Meet for coffee, just the two of you, no distractions. Tell her you consider her one of your best friends, you love her/her children very much. You are gutted about what she is going through and you want to help and support her, you understand that she is hurt and angry but that recently the comments she has made directed at you/your life/your husband have upset you and no more will be tolerated. You are there for love and support, not to be her punching bag. Take it from there.

"Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!"

Did you just take this nastiness from her? I wouldn't have.

I’d back off and not be available , if she asks why just tell her you’ve moved on.
she needs to fend for herself for awhile instead of you and friends molly coddling her.

Is she an alcoholic?

I ignored it mostly. Yes. Because she was so drunk. I had a house full for dinner, and was quite stressed and she was talking over everyone, spilling wine, she caught her skirt on the way to the loo. It was awful, and I didn’t feel angry I just felt very sorry. She was in a state and didn’t need me wading in.

Our friend was very upset about the weight comment, and a few of the girls have taken a step back after that in solidarity with her, I have sat on the fence if I’m honest

@Cornishcockleshells why are you sitting on the fence? Even now, you could send a message to bitter friend to say she crossed a line, and tell upset friend that you've done so

OP I feel for you to an extent but you’re being a bit wet. How uncomfortable for the rest of your guests. This was in your home, you’re perfectly within rights to call her out whether that’s in the moment or the next morning. I can’t believe the way you all just let her go on… at what point does it stop?! Is she nasty to her kids, drunk at home every night?

Well, under those circumstances I can certainly understand you doing that. It would have only caused a bigger scene and even more stress for you if you'd challenged her.

I would have had words with her when she was on her own and sober though.

To be honest sitting on the fence is enabling her continued bad behaviour. By listening and not questioning her / pulling her up you are allowing her to believe that all the bitterness and nasty comments she is making are ok - they are not.

No matter what terrible situation you find yourself in ( I was widowed very suddenly and my life was completely turned upside down) yes you go through the various stages as a break up is like grief, but it does not give you a free pass to be awful to your friends and criticise using awful comments.

While it may hurt your friendship you owe it to her to point out the impact her comments / behaviour are having and the result is friends are stepping back , while what is is going through is indescribably bad, she can’t criticise others with personal attacks. Suggest that it appears that she is struggling with seeing everyone else continuing to live their lives so perhaps best if you step back for a while and suggest she seeks some help through her GP for some therapy / counselling. I wouldn’t get into the situation with her husband - it’s only hearsay and conveniently raised now she is alone so you are unable to comment and that could suck you further in to her woe is me narrative.

Perhaps you stepping back for a while might be the prompt she needs to move forward / seek help as so far your sitting on the fence has helped enable her cycle of poor behaviour and to create her vicious circle.

In my first job after graduation, I had a couple of friends/colleagues who I hung out with outside of work from time to time. One weekend we went to a cabin and invited along another colleague who I didn't know well. He husband had left her for another woman 25 years previously and she was still so bitter about it. It was all she talked about. Her husband and the OW had go on to have twins, both of which were severely handicapped. My colleague rejoiced over how hard their lives were. It was a good lesson for me at a young age in who I did not want to be and how I did not want to end up in life. None of us there actually said to this woman that her behaviour was unacceptable and we didn't want to listen to it, we just pulled away. But she was a colleague and not a friend. I would try to talk to your friend before pulling back, OP. Even if she doesn't like what she hears now and reacts badly, it may encourage her to take steps to amend her behaviour so she doesn't get stuck in this phase for decades.

Not normal and certainly not acceptable to take it out on a friend who has been extra good to her for a considerable time.
I'm sorry but it's time for the friend to stop wallowing in self pity and do something to help herself (counselling, new interests etc). Other people have far worse things to cope with, and often without all the excellent support system that she's got.
Continued bitterness is harmful for her and her kids and will erode that support system bit by bit.
I've been there and I know!

why would you do this to yourself more than once? Don't invite her again.

Just try and see this differently. You THINK she was lovely, happy and sunny when you knew her before her H left, but you have no idea what she was like behind closed doors, her personality would not have been completed reversed. maybe she was 'awful, picking fault and being PA' with her H? maybe he couldn't take it anymore?

She asked a friend of ours how she is still married being so fat. It’s just so unlike her. I am at a loss.
Regardless of how much she's hurting, that's beyond bitchy and vindictive, and there's absolutely no excuse for it.
She's going to alienate all her friends if she carries on like this.