Friend is so bitter!

[Cornishcockleshells]

We are all mid/late40s. Friends for decades and live in close proximity for years.

A year and a half ago my friends dh left her for a woman he met at work. It has blown up the lives of my dear friend and her dc ( late primary school aged) until this point she had the most lovely bohemian life possible, and was happily married and her life she says has fallen apart.

We are part of a group and she has had the most amazing support from all of us. Her parents live a few minutes away and have looked after the dc, whilst we have taken her out and organised things for her, listened to her, fed her day in, day out. She is still devastated and depressed, and I know it’s been so difficult for her to come to terms with.

My aibu is more nuanced. In the last few months she has started coming out with really unkind statements. Words to the effect that she feels so bitter that she had my life once and now it's all gone.

I took her out for a spa day and she complained about it all day, she didn’t even thank me, it was very costly and miserable day in the end. Just lately she says oh your life is so perfect, or comments unkindly about a new sweater and even said she feels sorry for my dh!

Whilst I understand this has been awful, I am struggling to know how to navigate her bitterness and anger, it’s like my life mirrors her old life (which it did to be fair) and reminding her of everything she used to have/lost. Some of our other friends have started to distance themselves because it’s become too much.

My friend refuses to have counselling, even though it would greatly assist her process the changes happening to her.

Her financial situation will not be awful when everything finalises, but obviously she won’t have anything like the life she had before.

I feel like this is really coming between us now, but I don’t want to be insensitive, this has been so hard for her I am not surprised she is angry but it feels misdirected, maybe this is normal stage, if so, when might it end?

wwyd?

Thanks

As a widow I totally get her anger and bitterness. Obviously I don’t condone her being obviously unpleasant to you but you have no idea what it is like and I have to say I have friends that I have distanced myself dur to their complete disregard.

You seem like a great friend OP.

Your friend has every right to be bitter and angry at the world. They don't have the right to take that out on other people, especially those trying to look after them.

Ultimately, regardless of how much effort you and others put in, and regardless of how badly this has affected them, they will have to move on or face the consequences...it seems like they're already doing the latter with other friends stepping away.

Well that makes her comment about your friend’s weight slightly more understandable. She needs to go to therapy. Apart from making her good friends uncomfortable and sad I imagine she’s grim to live with. Her kids won’t be having much fun either.
My mum was very angry for a good long while, despite it being her calling time on the marriage. I hope someone can persuade your friend to talk to a therapist.

She might be thinking - how is it that she's been left alone while similar friends are still married? She doesn't get that it's because life quite literally is unfair - we can't predict what happens to any of us. There is no secret recipe for keeping a husband - so much depends on you, them, money, work, others.

But those of us perceived to have a nice life can have struggles she's probably not even aware of. Let's face it, if she's never worked she's been very privileged so far. And too far up her own butt to see it yet.

I wonder if she's now an alcoholic (any possibility she's been one all along?) - the ones I know don't eat very much either. They get just enough calories from the wine to survive.

That or a drink problem, @Cornishcockleshells .

Lincoln24 has it.

Your friend is grieving and angry. Unfortunately she has been in a relationship all her adult life, and has no experience of being single. Her married friends will remind of of her loss and make life seem very unfair

She has a long and difficult road ahead.I have been through similar. I am living a good life but it took me years to get back on track.

My advice to you would be to see her on girly dates only, no visits to your family and encourage her to seek counselling and consider voluntary work as a first step.

I wondered if she was depressed. Sounds like it to me. Understandable imo. I would encourage her to not accept her lot but to strive for the life she wants. Don’t treat her as a victim but more encourage her to make the most of all the freedom she has! She is still lucky imo. Lots of good in what you’ve said.

On balance I think I’ll try and speak to her one to one, and say I am worried about her excessive drinking, her weight loss and concerned about some of the comments she is making, particularly towards one of our friends, and talk it through. We are close enough, and if she gets angry well I can always pause and leave it there.

I would be sad to see her lose her support network, this is all she has left

Not to drip feed but would it make any difference if I said we also found out her dh was awful behind closed doors, this is why in part she has never worked. We all work, mixture of pt and ft. I always assumed she was happy not to work, but obviously she didn’t have the choice, he wanted a ‘proper’ wife and wouldn’t hear of it.

🙄

Your friend sounds as though she's on a one way trip to a complete breakdown OP. Unless she tries to get control of herself she'll be damaging not just herself but her young children too. If she can't do it for herself, she needs to do it for them.

If this is not a face to face discussion you can have, do you think there would be any benefit in writing it down in a letter, so she can read your concerns without feeling got at in the moment?

You sound like a very kind person, who is continuing to offer support when others have already backed off. She doesn't realise how lucky she is to have you in her life.

Maybe this is the way she was with her husband and that’s why he left? 🤷‍♀️

For what it’s worth from previous friends who drank a lot and were unhappy with their lives sometimes a close friend just being there for them, supportive but non judgmental, this can be key to help them drink less and move forwards. I’ve tried this with one friend when she had career issues, men issues and was drinking to excess because she could.

It explains why she doesn't work but is also a really good reason why she should get a job now. It will do her the world of good.

Yes I think that does make a massive difference. Getting over narcissistic abuse is extremely hard and if her husband was abusive behind closed doors that is one of the textbook definitions of being a narcissist. I think she is on the verge of a mental breakdown. I grew up in a narcissistic family and when it came crashing down I completely lost me in the fallout. You might be experiencing this from your friend. It doesn’t change that she is not allowed to be cruel or unkind to her friends when she recovers but it does explain her complete personality change.

You need to put boundaries in place around her comments, politely but firmly. She is deeply traumatised. It does change you. But you can still say that you understand the pain she is in but X comment was not acceptable and you can't put up with such comments being made.'

You know, like you would with an angry child.

I would say that every time until it stopped. If it never stopped, only then would I walk.

How hard can you insist on some medical intervention? Can you offer to go with her to GP?

Agree about the abuse making it different. She could well be on edge of breakdown. Given she's got two kids she's needs support asap.

Could you speak with her parents ?

This is so tough all round. Objectively of course she doesn’t have the right to be cruel and unkind to those friends who are trying to be helpful and supportive. But real life is more nuanced than that, and she may have just been so utterly shell shocked by what has happened that she’s lost all capacity to emotionally regulate and control her behaviour. If it’s this, it’s still fine to refuse to accept cruelty and verbal abuse from her - that wouldn’t make you a bad friend!! No matter how sad you are, 18 months post breakup, you know that calling your friend fat and undeserving of a relationship is unacceptably cruel. She can of course behave how she chooses - and you can choose to accept that behaviour or not.

Just a thought though. If she's bitter, she might be lying about what her home life was like in order to inflict reputational damage on her ex.

For example, she might claim she wasn't allowed to work now. However, this might be a lie to get sympathy and a better financial settlement rather than the objective truth. I'm always a bit suspicious of people who say they "weren't allowed to work" but then haven't done anything about finding work after separation and channel all their energies into trying to win a settlement so that they don't have to work.

I am reading all of the replies, I just can’t reply to each one, but I am grateful for them all.

Can you say a bit more about happens if it were to be a mental breakdown? She is coming across as overwhelmed and like she might snap. I have sensed this build up of emotion and stress. Almost like a dam bursting. I think that’s why I/and others have been so wary about challenging her. It feels like too much for her.

Would a mental health breakdown look like this?

I had a friend like this. We were all afraid to say anything and just figured it would settle with time. It didn’t and we all drifted away from her in the end because none of us could deal with her relentless negativity and anger.

@Cornishcockleshells I wouldn't try and diagnose if I were you. On the one hand she could be depressed and expressing her feelings as anger. On the other hand, she could be a narcissist who is dealing with rejection by slandering her ex and being nasty to her friends because he isn't around any more. Or, it could be neither of those things.

A mental breakdown from my experience is more relentless crying along with anger, anxiety and depression.

You could kindly ask her if she’s seen her doctor or would she want you to go with her.

I guess it comes down to the fundamentals of identity and relationships. Identity being about her beliefs being shattered, her sense of self being eroded and her purpose going. Relationships being about not being able to trust herself about making good decisions about safe people to have relationships with.

I think as a previous poster pointed out, if particularly women are being abused then it is extremely likely that somewhere along the way they learned (or usually were taught) to accept those types of relationships. In abusive relationships the abused partner can serve the role of centring the ship in a family.

Their job of centring the ship is where they get their esteem and purpose and pride from but if the other partner is abusive there can be a huge collapse as the delusion of the whole situation crashes down which it would do if he left.

I know someone like this. Thankfully calmed down a bit now after 6 years!
With her it was the shock at being left and change in lifestyle and status. The audacity of her ex for leaving her, was what she couldn't get past. She freely admitted there was little love in their marriage, no sex and separate interests.
She also hadn't worked for years and managed to get a settlement whereby she still doesn't need to work.
The other thing I'd say as someone who's divorced and been on their own for a while is that married friends don't get it, however kind they are. This does not excuse rudeness or meanness but in the long run, your friend may need to find a new set of friends.
This is what I did, though I'd like to think I was never rude or nasty to my old friends. I actually have double the number of friends now. I maintained the old ones and built new ones alongside.