Friend barely speaking at mealtimes on holiday?

[CallyT]

Friend lives alone so probably isn't used to mealtimes with another person. Old friend of many years.

Usually when we catch up over dinner at home she is chatty and normal.

The first meal or two was fine but the last couple have been painful. She eats very slowly and barely says two words.

She doesn't ask questions and hardly makes eye contact. Tonight I asked if she was ok and she said yes. The only thing time she made conversation was to point out a picture on the restaurant wall and kept talking about it when I tried to change the subject.

AIBU to think as we're on holiday she should be making an effort?

What is she like the rest of the time?

Haven’t you answered you own question here? When you meet up from time to time for dinner she is chatty, but on holiday you’re likely eating all of your meals together, so conversation may well run dry as you have nothing to update on another one as you’re together for a chunk of time. She might just need some decompression time, it’s intense spending a lot of time with someone that you don’t ordinarily live with. Can you find a companionable way to spend a meal without needing to talk all the time? The eating slowly thing is another issue and not sure why you mentioned it alongside the talking issue, it sounds like a criticism which I don’t think is very fair.

If she lives alone she's probably finding it a bit full-on to be with other people all the time. Holidays can be quite intense for this, even if you're not introverted!

At one point I said 'so we X plans tomorrow at 2pm, do you want to do something beforehand?'

And she replied 'well, we have all week' and that was the end of it!

I thought that might open up a dialogue but no

When we're doing activities it's different - she talks as we're doing things

Very odd. Maybe she's exhausted by travelling? I know sometimes I find it hard to keep making polite conversation and just want to curl up on the sofa.
Think I'd be tempted to ask her if she has a problem with you if it goes on much longer when the travelling to holiday excuse definitely won't cut it.

You're on holiday together? How is she when you're not at meals? Where are you eating?

I hate talking while I eat. I find it really uncomfortable. In a restaurant I have a hard time hearing what other people are saying and I'm overly conscious about food in my mouth.

Could you suggest eating separately and see how that goes down?

@Arlanymor I suppose I mentioned it because on top of not talking I finish before she does and then I'm just sitting awkwardly at the table in silence for ages.

I eat at a normal pace btw, not 'fast'.

Has she got any time alone? She’s probably peopled out.

If she is chatty the rest of the time, then maybe she needs a bit of peace and quiet at meal times.

Have you considered she might be thinking about you "god, she never shuts up and lord knows how but she manages to constantly talk but eat quickly at the same time and is hassling me to finish. I just want some peace to eat"

Not saying she is, but you have a slight mismatch.

She's probably just tapped out with spending so much time with another person, it can be exhausting needing to be 'on' all the time when you're with other people.

Also, you trying to make plans for the next day and her saying 'we've got all week' may be her way of telling you to chill, not everyone wants to plan every thing, to you it's a conversation starter and a way to plan ahead (I'm the same), but to her it may be that she wants to wake up in the morning and see how she feels before committing to something, holidays are different things to different people.

Maybe suggest a day doing different things to each other? or rather than assume you are doing everything together, say 'I quite like the look of doing this tomorrow, do you fancy coming with me or would you rather have a bit of time to do what you would like instead?'

I understand what people are saying about how she might need quiet at meal times.

I find it difficult because I find silence at meals difficult. I don't mind the occasional lull but it makes me feel like we're not getting along and we haven't fallen out or anything.

Well to be fair that’s your normal, pace not hers. There is no normal unless it takes her literally hours to finish a meal. Maybe she is just trying to relax on holiday too? Things are often at a slower pace on holiday, meals and conversation both.

I get it OP.
I have a friend like this and it just feels unnatural and awkward.
My friend eats very fast at least so I’m not sitting waiting for her to finish, it’s usually the other way around with her sat in silence whilst I finish my food which is equally as awkward.

I asked her once why she’s normally so chatty but not at mealtimes and she looked at me like I was crazy and said she was focusing on eating. I don’t really understand it but I try to avoid going out with just the two of us for meals now. It’s like she literally shuts out everything around her and her whole focus is just on her food, I can kind of understand that if you go somewhere quite fancy but her favourite place to eat out is Wetherspoons!

DP isn’t the best to go out with either, he hates waiting for his meal, he’s fine when we have our food and we chat and often order things to share but as soon as he’s finished his last mouthful he’s got his coat on and ready to go. He loves the restaurants where they use an app so it’s all very fast and he can pay before we’ve finished.

Some people just have unusual habits, DP is autistic so that probably explains his behaviour. I had an ex once whose family didn’t believe in talking during meals, it was excruciatingly awkward and no one told me so when I started making polite conversation the first time I went to their house for a meal they just frowned and ignored me.
I have misophonia so the eating sounds and cutlery on plates just sounded magnified in the quiet room and his dad kept sniffing and gulping water. My skin is crawling just remembering it, I pretended I had an emergency the second time I was invited round and never went back 😂.

Ask her if she minds if you browse your phone whilst eating. She probably just needs down time and would be fine with this too. She might even welcome it so there's no pressure on her to interact.

I feel you OP. It'd make me a bit self conscious knowing people were seeing us eat in silence (totally in my own head though!)

If she's chatty before/after the restaurant I'd chalk it up to her just liking to focus on her food. If she's quiet after you've left the restaurant too you probably need to agree to have more alone time as she may need downtime to recharge her social batteries.

What was the picture on the wall that she wanted to talk about?

She’s on holiday. Let her enjoy it. Take a book with you to the table so you can read while she finishes. I’m so sociable and chatty but if you went on holiday with me I would be similar. Maybe you need to eat alone one night, have a rest from one another to help things. She may be over stimulated if used to living alone.

You’re being a tiny bit unreasonable.
Everyone has their own pace for eating.
People who live alone often are peopled out by day 2 of a holiday. So they will be craving a bit of alone time to recharge.
She did make an effort to talk about a painting, but you tried to change the subject even though she wanted to talk about it a bit longer.
The “are you ok?” might have been a bit passive aggressive.

So you want her to be chatty, you want her to talk about the subjects you want not what she wants, and then if she’s quiet you ask “are you ok?”

I think you need to relax a bit. A holiday with friends goes at a slower pace.

Can you not just give her quiet at dinner? Read a book or something.
Are you thinking about what she wants as much as what you want? Not every silence must be filled.

Sounds like she's on the spectrum.

Are you also sharing a room etc too?
This sounds like something i might do if i was not coping as an introvert. Although i am more self aware and would explain this and make sure i got some time alone to recharge before dinner. I would never make a good friend feel awkward.

You could try that? Taking your book down to the bar or having a walk alone for an hour before dinner and see if she seems more relaxed.

Or heading down to breakfast alone and saying for her to join you when ready or going together eating yours quickly and then saying you want a walk/have a call to make:

Alternatively just relax. Silence doesn't necessarily mean unhappy. If she is otherwise wise herself the rest of the trip then just consider it you can cope with it again in the future.

If you're sure she's not feeling down/ depressed about something then she's probably just a bit socially overloaded.

It can be intense going on holiday with a friend.

Maybe she's fed up of what you're trying to talk about about. You didn't let her talk about the picture which is rude.

She's probably struggling to be around someone 24/7 when normally you're only together for a few hours.

I remember going on a weeks' holiday with my best friend and it was such a different dynamic to us hanging out at home - we both found it quite challenging.

Maybe it would be best to split up for a bit and each do your own thing.

I like to eat first and not talk at meal times. I'm sure someone even brought it up at school. I cant give you a specific as to why. Maybe she's the same.
How often do you normally meet? Maybe others are right and because you're spending a lot of time together she's struggling a little