Friend barely speaking at mealtimes on holiday?

[CallyT]

Friend lives alone so probably isn't used to mealtimes with another person. Old friend of many years.

Usually when we catch up over dinner at home she is chatty and normal.

The first meal or two was fine but the last couple have been painful. She eats very slowly and barely says two words.

She doesn't ask questions and hardly makes eye contact. Tonight I asked if she was ok and she said yes. The only thing time she made conversation was to point out a picture on the restaurant wall and kept talking about it when I tried to change the subject.

AIBU to think as we're on holiday she should be making an effort?

I agree that she's probably just socially overloaded.

When you only meet up occasionally at home for dinner, you're going to chat because that's the purpose of meeting up and the meal is a vehicle for allowing that to happen.

If you're spending all day together and your evenings too, she probably just needs a bit of quiet headspace to collect her own thoughts, reflect on her own experiences and reconnect with herself otherwise, when is that going to happen?

You find the silence uncomfortable and she needs it. You can't force her to talk. With kindness, if it makes you feel like you're not getting along, although you haven't fallen out, then that is something you need to deal with.

I have an eating disorder, anorexia. Even when I'm doing alright and its under fair control, I eat slowly and absolutely despise people trying to get me to talk when I'm trying to eat. I can handle the odd chatty meal, and i dont mind them talking at me if they want to jabber away, but I'd be just like your friend if I was on holiday with someone and it was every day.

Stop trying to get her to talk. She doesn't want to, and it's rude to prod someone to talk when they're trying to eat mindfully.

Oh for goodness sake!
Being quiet at mealtime does not equal neurodiversity!!

Op unless you have paid for you friend to accompany you on holiday for the purpose of entertaining you and keeping you company, she is as entitled to enjoy her holidays as much as you are. For her, this means eating quietly and savouring her food. You're different and that's ok too.
Could you try getting to know other people on the holiday so that you have a larger group to sit with sometimes?

God if getting an actual diagnosis was this easy. No it doesn't it sounds like she doesn't like to chat at meal times as much as OP.

As per pp's suggestion, take a book with you so neither of you feels like you're just watching her eat. Tell her why - 'I've brought my book to read if you don't mind. I realise you want some peace and quiet now.'

I get a bit like this when I've had to be 'on' for extended periods. I go quiet and want to be left alone while I recharge.

I’m guessing this is the first holiday you’ve had together and you’re finding out your differences. Just ask her if she would mind you reading while she finishes her meal as you don’t want her to feel rushed by you sitting watching.

I learned to go on a couple of short breaks with someone before committing to a week or more. Incompatibility spoils a holiday for everyone.

My DH is a bit like this. He’s super chatty until food turns up and then he doesn’t speak until he’s finished his meal. It drives me mad, I’ve stopped inviting his mum over because he completely ignored her and left me to make all conversation at the table. She is also terrible at conversation and just drones on about herself and never reciprocates with the back and forth of conversation.

If you look around at restaurants, it’s not unusual to see couples not talking to each other. It is more unusual between friends though I think.

Agree with others - take a book or use your phone. I wouldn't bother asking if she minds because she's clearly not up for chatting so anything goes!

As regards the rest of the holiday - is she active in making plans eg suggesting things etc or is it all 'I don't mind' and not looking up things to do/being interested?

This, have you shut down other conversations she's started?

FFS, you're not serious surely?

What about it sounding like OP is on the spectrum, she cant tolerate difference, cant read the room, cant respond in kind to her friend who talks about a picture but instead of responding to this subject blithly changes the subject?

See how ridiculous that sounds? Any other diagnoses you'd like to throw around?

OP, you need to understand that lots of people, and Im now one of them although I didnt used to be, have to eat very very slowly due to digestion issues that are too boring to go into, that takes concentration, I can be chatty sometimes depending on how my digestion is being but at other times its quite difficult to get the balance right so I have to concentrate hard on chewing swallowing waiting until the next bite etc etc

Also I agree with another PP that Im very concious of not wanting to speak loudly with food in my mouth in case it comes splaying out, I can never hear in restaurants so actually would rather someone doesnt speak to me because then I have to constantly say 'sorry?'. You say you're on holiday so if abroad, restaurants tend to be very loud and busy, that makes it worse

You need to be more tolerant and when she starts a conversation about something, connect with her, dont just shut her up and cut her off.

It is normal social behaviour when with a friend to chat during a meal. If she has not disclosed any disorder to you, and is silent and unresponsive, I would find this behaviour rude and would not repeat the experience.

Poor woman.

You sound very intense. Why not do something separately tomorrow?

She tried to discuss a painting but you shut her down.

I get where she’s coming from. On holiday with my DP, we often don’t talk much. Even with people you love you don’t always feel like conversation, especially when you’re together 24/7. I tend to find it easier to talk ‘about’ something e.g. an activity as you’re doing it, so I get that.
I do think her just saying, 'well, we have all week' sounds a bit socially inept. She could have made the effort to say with a smile that she was happy to have a lazy morning/would generally like to take things as they come. Although surely you could have said, ‘Ok, if you’d like to take it easy before this afternoon, I think I’ll go out and do X in the morning if that’s all right with you?’

Did she really keep going on about the picture? Or did you try to change the subject a bit soon/abruptly?

Oh ffs please stop.

@CallyT Maybe you've just run out of things to say to each other? It's totally natural and happens even in the closest of friendships. Sitting opposite each other in a restaurant can also be quite confronting whereas conversation comes more naturally sitting / walking side by side. Maybe save up some things to talk about until the restaurant, or could you get takeaway in your hotel room instead to give you both a break? Or suggest street food, walking around? Does it have to be formal eating every meal? That would exhaust me, even with my husband.

This board is crazy sometimes. It is really unusual behaviour to go out with a friend and sit in silence, however much time you have spent together. If the friend has issues where she wants to stay silent during a meal or she is feeling stressed or overwhelmed, the duty is on her to communicate that to a close friend.

I would find it so strange to go out for dinner and a friend stay silent. I would think something was wrong. I have never experienced that in my 50+ years. So many weird explanations on here and calling the OP intense just for expecting conversation.

I live on my own, holiday on my own and this thread has confirmed the joys of solo travel for me.

OP, your friend is probably tired of being constantly “on” for your benefit, and it is for your benefit as when she chatted about a picture you insisted on trying to change the subject to what you wanted to talk about!

Do some things separately, give each other the time to go at your own pace for at least part of the holiday, become more comfortable with silence and do your friend the courtesy of engaging with her when she speaks about something that interests her.

You’re different people, don’t need to be joined at the hip and both want to relax and have a happy holiday, and still be friends at the end of it!

If you just met up now and then, yes to some degree, but OP says she isnt like this when she meets her at previous outings

The friend hasnt stayed silent, so you're posting on a false premise, she has responded to OP but OP hasnt felt it was enough, she has also tried to make conversation on at least one occasion but OP shut her down, we're not sure why that happened.

The friend barely makes eye contact, says a handful of words. And she only talks about one picture. There is a limit to how much you can say about one picture and it is fair enough for the OP to want to talk about something else instead after the picture discussion. If the friend has an issue or a problem, she needs to communicate that. Not make the OP feel awkward over dinner. The OP asked her friend if she was okay. I’m not sure what more she can do.

I'm thinking anxiety or eating disorder, tbh. Especially if it only happens at meal times. I have similar and absolutely hate eating in public. The picture could be another clue- for example, when I'm feeling overwhelmed/anxious I often fixate my vision on something in the surrounding area. It's a method of grounding yourself that's encouraged for anxiety by psychologists, etc. When someone's in that state of mind, they're pretty much incapable of having any other thoughts other than what they're fixated on. It's like zoning out.

Get a book. She obviously has very different meal time to you

If she is eating slowly and not wanting to talk, why don’t you just go in your phone for a bit. She’s clearly happy without making conversation so probably won’t find it rude. You could even say “I’m just going to check some emails” or “I really want to post some photos I took earlier today “. Given that she’s been chatty during the day she probably doesn’t have an issue with you or she would be quiet all the time.

I wonder if you said something that was a deal breaker for her in terms of a friendship, you might well be oblivious to her what it was, and now she's just trying to get through the holiday and plans to let this friendship go.

How about you go on your phone? You’ve got the whole week with her and you’re having every meal together, maybe she just wants peace and quiet for a little while?

Well no, there isnt anything 'to do' is there? Whats the need to try to 'fix' this person, and no one 'makes' anyone feel anything, that is on OP how she feels.

OP gave an example of the picture, its not fact to say she only spoke about the picture.

OP hasnt said she is like this the rest of the time, where is the acceptance and tolerance of how someone needs to eat, its really intrusive to want to change that.