To be angry that I was left a single parent

[Lookingforthelight]

I know you can’t control life but I feel sad this evening. I thought I had picked to have kids with a decent man.

Only we had two children, he never coped and walked out on us for a child free women. I never ever thought he was that guy.

i feel so sad for the life we could have had and the way we struggle financially.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I know my mother has felt resentment her entire life for how differently her life turned out for the exact same reason. I’m also a single Mum.

I was recently talking to some male friends in a mixed group of couples and some of them (two with children, one without) said that they were entirely indifferent to having kids. The ones that had them said they’d have been perfectly happy either with or without, that they’d had them because their wives wanted them. One of the wives was furious, the other was quite pragmatic about it!

I often wonder how frequently that is the case.

I think you are right and that it happens far more than any of us think. So many men seem to be able to easily disengage from children once the relationship ends.

I waited 10 years before having children with the ex and I honestly never ever expected he would just leave for another women and act like I never existed. Really hurts even now two years on. I just never imagined I would be raising my children alone.

Unfortunately, men seem to have the capacity to literally not give a shit about their own children.
I know we live in the age of "equality" and "not all men are like that" etc, but sadly this is the truth.
Having a baby with a man is a huge risk.

He could either leave and not look back for no reason.
He could control your every move once he has you under his financial control.
He could abuse his position and use you as a punching bag for his discontent in life just because he can.

Obviously not all men. Obviously most men are nice. But many are fucking bastards.

@Circumferences yes i was trapped by financial control and when he left I had no job after he had encouraged me to stay at home to raise our baby and toddler. Thrown under a bus is an understatement.

I look back and realise I was naive and doubt I will ever trust in the same way again. He was what I honestly thought was a good and kind man. Everyone would comment on what a great guy he was. But he had a whole hidden second life. Do you ever really know a person?!

One of the guys who had kids (the one whose wife was more pragmatic when he said it, actually!) said, and I quote: “life was a lot more laughs and less tedium and shit pre-kids.”

I also find that men latch on to the children of the woman they’re with at the time, regardless of biology. That was true of my own father and my DP’s father. DP’s father does a hundred times more for his wife’s kids. He hasn’t seen DP’s sister for 7 years. They still speak, but she lives about 4 hours away from him and he’s just not bothered!

I hear you. My ex never got his act together in the family and it only got worse when he was out of it. He was only Involved superficially for many years, and he eventually did a bunk to marry a Norwegian about 5 years ago. I resent the mess it left me with, and the responsibility. Financially it pushed me to my limits and I've had to work multiple jobs to survive. Dealing with the kids alone and never having any time off has been challenging too. It's meant I've had no time for myself and I'm perennially single. I resent that too. But my kids are my kids. It's not their fault that he's selfish and useless. Realistically we're much happier without him causing drama. I never thought my life would turn out like this though.

@surlycurly i hear you too. That sums up exactly how I feel and my life situation at present. Also zero time to ever date. I’m sorry life’s been so tough on you too.

I do have a slight resentment towards his freedom and that he essentially plays the role of an uncle not a parent. But then I remind myself I would never want to live his life. He has missed every big milestone of our kids lives to date and that’s sad. But like past poster said he probably isn’t fazed as he is so detached.

Yanbu....you did everything "right". Waited for a man you thought would be there, didn't rush into it by the sounds of it. You may as well have just had kids with any random boyfriend. I can understand why you feel the way you do.

It’s really hard but think about it this way, he would not have been a good person to be with. Chin up

I feel exactly the same, it galls me how men seemingly can walk away with such ease.

My ex earns more than me, doing the same job, as he hasn’t been hindered by having to do school runs & having to be at home rather than travelling for work.

I am left holding the can in every sense & it’s infuriating.

i’m still really bitter about this, my ex left me so it wasn’t my choice to be a single mum. people try to make me see the positives like i wouldn’t have my children if it wasn’t for him but that makes it sound like he was my only opportunity to have kids which obviously he wasn’t and although i love my kids of course i would have loved any kids i had. so yes basically i’m still extremely bitter about this.

I don’t think you really do know a man until you’ve had children with him.

@FreshOrangeJuice I can relate to this: I love my kids dearly. But I would rather have had kids with a man that actually wanted to be a dad and wasn’t planning to up and leave. I would loved to have had a partner to parent with. Life’s hard.

@Elizo yes I see this now.

Just such a shame the person he portrayed himself to be was such a lie. why lie and have kids? I’ll never understand. I could have had children with someone that actually wanted these things from life too. I know nothing is ever guaranteed but I envy my friends who are part of two parent family’s and can take it in turns to take kids to parties. Go to the supermarket without kids in tow. Actually have some childcare and occasionally leave the house after 7pm.

And what’s the betting he gets her (or the next one daft enough to fall for his charm) pregnant and starts playing happy families. Then does it again…

so sorry OP

This is so true men do latch on to their partners kids and forget about their own!

exactly, not a life i would have chosen for myself so hearing people say well you wouldn’t have the kids if it wasn’t for him like he’s some kind of hero 🤦🏻‍♀️

I know I get it. 15 years in!! The time passes so quickly though and they get more independent. Just try to enjoy them as much as you can as before you know it you’ll be missing it. It sounds like you have a lot of freedom with the children and he isn’t around much. Pros and cons of that.

it takes a while to get used to but there are good things. I’d by lying if I didn’t say I sometimes envy two parent families, but DS and I are so close and have some great times. Chin up!!!

Mine did this too. I also did everything "right" in terms of length of relationship etc. I actually don't think they lie as such. I think they convince themselves that this is what they want and they bimble along happily enough until something or someone else comes along and then it's all the self justifying crap about not being happy for ages.
I massively resent my exes freedom to come and go, seek promotion, just not have to deal with the day to day ups and downs, the serious shit really hitting the fan stuff. He's remarried the ow, I do have a relationship but it won't be a cohabitation until my kids are grown. They only see him when it suits. They fit in with his life, not the other way round. They are now getting to an age where they can see it and I know I "win" in the long run but it's still hard.

I think 2 years on, is still early days in the grand scheme of things, so be gentle with yourself.
You’re right that you get to see your dc firsts and special moments, and he is missing out.
I hope you have support of family and friends,. Your dc will appreciate and know it’s been you raising them and loving them everyday.

The father of my DC 'does his duty' but he does the bare minimum for them and in the past, not even that. He was another one that when talking about children and potential of fertility issues was absolutely not concerned if he had them or not. He could not see what the children needed emotionally and barely physically and has constantly shown that he will 'look after them' as long as they don't impact too much on his life. This is not the person I thought he was, but it was literally like flicking a switch, that as soon as he was no longer the central being in my world, he disassociated from me and them. It's like he acts at being a dad, but he doesn't actually feel anything. Sad really.

I understand how you feel, I felt the same many years ago, thought I had the best husband ever - how wrong I was. He said he wanted children as much as I did but found it so,so easy to walk away.
Even now I have a truly amazing husband and great step children who all get on well together but I still envy family’s who have both birth parents, we try not to say “your son/daughter” but it’s not the same.
Trouble is life rarely goes to plan and we need to make the best of it, staying bitter won’t hurt him, only you and your children.

Ideally women shouldn't need to wait for the right man to come along and have children with. It's all such a gamble anyway when you see how unreliable many men are. I think we need to reframe our expectations as women and have children when it's right for us financially and career wise and when we have a support network around us. I have friends who are going down the route of dojor sperm - not relying on one potentially fickle partner to lean on who could disappear wihtout looking back. The social pressure (on women) cannot be underestimated though. It's hard as many women won't be in a position to do it alone. Until women reach financial parity with men we'll always be at a disadvantage and be the ones left holding the babies.

I agree with this.

I find it quite irritating and patronising on here when people say you should somehow have chosen better, like they apparently did. It’s luck!

Ok sometimes there are red flags that anyone could spot and sometimes there might be reliable good signs but you never really know. You certainly can’t know you’ve got a good one, although I admit that it’s sometimes possible - but by no means always - to spot a bad one.

I thought my exh would be a terrific dad as he was a really great uncle. Seemed to love kids and couldn’t do too much for them. Very critical of the older generation of more “traditional” hands- off dads.

I was completely and utterly wrong.

Life is incredibly cruel and unpredictable, there are very few who go through life with a perfect, healthy, drama free family. Most people deal with marriage issues, ill health and financial stress at some point in their lives. You’ve had a shit time the last few years but that doesn’t mean the next few will be the same.