To be angry that I was left a single parent

[Lookingforthelight]

I know you can’t control life but I feel sad this evening. I thought I had picked to have kids with a decent man.

Only we had two children, he never coped and walked out on us for a child free women. I never ever thought he was that guy.

i feel so sad for the life we could have had and the way we struggle financially.

Until I had a child of my own, I hadn't really understood how a woman just can't leave. I would never ever leave my baby, he will always be my baby and I would do anything for him. DH absolutely loves our DS but he's a lot more detached and he knows he can trust me to care for the baby. I think this is where biology plays a cruel trick on us and men take advantage.

I hope you're going via the CMS to ensure he pays what he owes. This helps slightly with feelings of resentment. He has a financial obligation here.

I think it gets so much better with time and as the kids get a bit older. I got to a point I didn't ever want a man in our home again. And it wasn't about feeling bitter or jaded.

@BabyMama889 I feel women in general are massively disadvantaged by our inability to say no to things regarding our kids , where fathers seem to do it with ease.

There are times I wish I could have been more hard faced / slightly detached if that's the correct word. tbh.

I am sure it's very, very hard, OP.
But conversely, alternatives are also heartbreaking too. From the ages of 3 and 6 the family courts ruled my coercively controlling ex-husband had every right to 50/50 shared custody.
To go from main carer to being completely on your own for 7 days at a time every other week is unbelievably painful.
I've only ever been "half" a mum.

Apart from porn addiction in men and unreasonable sexual demands, there are a LOT of young women who know that there's a chance they will be dumped to be single parents - and a lot of them are saying no to motherhood because of that.

It's shit OP and women definitely get the raw deal. It's ok to feel sad about the life you thought you'd have. It's also ok to feel angry about how stacked the game is.

But. In time the life you build for yourself will be the life you have. And the lives you build for your children will be the lives they have. And yes it will be different than it might have been, but it's always different than it might have been, whether there's a man around or not. What you end up with, comes from you doing your best. Maybe getting things wrong, maybe hitting the post a few times, but doing the best you can and there is satisfaction in that, if you allow it.

Most men don't really want kids and just wouldn't have them if women didn't want them. So not sure you can call it a raw deal, it's just the chance you take if you want kids. Surely it's better than the alternative and men just saying a flat out "no" to having kids in droves? At the end of the day you got the kids you wanted.

I know this doesn’t help but try not to feel sad for what you could have had, try to appreciate that he’s the unlucky idiot that doesn’t get to know the amazingness of having the kids x Going through a possible breakup at the moment and I applaud you for just putting one foot in front of the other because there’s days I can’t even breathe. I hope things get insanely easier for you xxxx

OP, being angry with him is completely reasonable. Still being angry after two years is, because the only person you are hurting is yourself.

I also had a child with a man who turned out to be a selfish arse. I've raised DS alone since he was two.

Unfortunately we've discovered that 50% of men are lazy, selfish, irresponsible and dishonest, but on the bright side, there are many good aspects to our situation.

I have the joy of DS most of the time
Our relationship is very close
I can take decisions quickly
Without constantly negotiation or compromise
I can raise my lovely son without a lazy selfish arse as a role model
Life is much much easier without a man-baby in tow

You don't say how old your dcs are, but it gets easier quickly as they become more independent. Hang in there and don't let him make you bitter. xx

I'm really sorry to hear this and agree it's very disappointing when your partner is not who you expected. Some men like idea of a child but change their tune once they see what the reality is like. On the other I have a brother who was a bit of a party animal in his youth the type you'd expect that would never settle down. He is a full time single parent to 4 children and is absolutely brilliant and completely devoted to them. The good ones arnt always what you expect.

We have to step up to the plate while men can walk away if they feel like it. Good for you and hang in there. I made it to the other side, and better for it, I have my dignity and my kids can never say I walked away from them.

@BabyMama889 Until I had a child of my own, I hadn't really understood how a woman just can't leave. I would never ever leave my baby, he will always be my baby and I would do anything for him. DH absolutely loves our DS but he's a lot more detached and he knows he can trust me to care for the baby. I think this is where biology plays a cruel trick on us and men take advantage

Not necessarily. I know three couples where the woman just walked. Two were mature couples, both in 30’s, desperately wanted children, and one even had assistance. The first had twins and walked out when they were around 1yo, didn’t want any contact. The second left left when the kids were young primary school age, meant to have them every second weekend and half of school holidays but more like once a month and every second school hols they are ‘busy’ other times they are meant to have them. The third couple was just a train wreck from the beginning, think 30yo man having a child with a 17yo, then another when she was 19yo. At 20yo she waved a big goodbye to him and the kids and went off to party, no contact.

In the first two cases, children were planned and wanted but the women determined it was shit, not how they had envisaged and they wanted to step out accordingly. I think this is exactly the case for most men that do it. Not as common for women as men but there are definitely women that do also.

I'd be angry if I were you.

I wasn't fussed on kids but knew my husband wanted them. I find looking after 2 toddlers incredibly stressful at times but I adore them and there's no way I could leave them if I wanted to. It shocks me that parents can walk away from little people they created who need them -- and just leave someone else to deal with and often pay for them.

If that was true all men would be getting vasectomies. They want to make the kid but not raise the kid.

Actually I disagree. Two friends who are now divorced but similar situations. We all saw it coming, yet both of them chose to ignore the signs and flags. They both act shocked as if it came out of the blue but We all saw it. There would have been some signs, selfishness, unwilling to compromise, useless with helping around the house, wanting to do things on their own terms, etc.
You don't go from being a good, kind, decent human being to walking out on your children. You just don't. There would have been some signs.

It’s awful , my ex had an affair when dd1 was 3 months old , he didn’t like being a dad , then he got ow pregnant! He hasn’t seen dd1 for 20 years. I also genuinely feel that he doesn’t feel he has missed out . Dd2 has been raised by my partner.but I do feel huge anger towards my ex.

So you would ratehr he stayed just because of your children? How is that healthy for them?

So a person wants out of a relationship which is not working for them so the couple is stuck together forever just because someone doesn't want to be on their own?

Nope, not true. I know several, including mine who were perfectly decent men and people generally, pulled their weight, worked as a team, even including all the parenting stuff until suddenly, poof! Gone. Usually another woman. Mine told me that it was partly because she needed him more..he could be her knight in armour whereas I was always a bit more capable than him. Thing is, I could understand it if they broke up the marriage for someone else but stayed close by and were involved heavily with their kids still, but so many don't. Mine moved away and sees them rarely.
To those who say "at least you've got them" I actually would bloody love 50/50 but it was never suggested. He just assumed he could piss off and leave it all to me and ten years later that STILL true so actually I don't think being angry about it means we're "bitter". I'm not angry he left, I'm angry he's so uninvolved right now. And last week, and next week.

They can be out of the relationship sure, but not out of parenting. Except they can and do.

XH left me with a 2 year old and 5 month old "as it wasn't the life he wanted." I had a lot of resentment. I was a SAHM, and suddenly had to find a job or lose our home. He did pay maintenance (and how bloody often was I told by friends and family how lucky I was to get it!) but it didn't even cover childcare costs never mind living expenses for the children. He had EOW access but probably did once a month and always came back early. I believe my resentment was justified.

He is basically a good guy. Once I got over the original bitterness and hatredI quite like him. Everyone does. He was just a crap parent with responsibility issues.

However, looking back now DCs are adults, we did have a good life which I wouldn't have changed. We had the "fun house" for my DCs friends. Lots of sleepovers, indoor picnics, days out. No one else to consult. I was never let down on a night out because "Sorry, can't make it. DH has to work/football/golf/gym" as I knew I always had to arrange babysitters. I have a phenomenal career that I probably wouldn't have pursued if I'd stayed married.It doesn't have to be miserable...

Having said all that, I still believe being a single parent is bloody hard work and people without that experience don't get it. I don't know any female single parents that "did well" out of a divorce. The loneliness, the financial pressures, waking up to the responsibility that it's all on you. Yet the father can swan into the sunset and pick up on his care free life...

This is my experience
I haven't seen my dad for 35 years
His choice
But he regularly sees his step daughter from his second marriage.
Never could understand what I did wrong for him to cut me dead as a teenager
Other than his new wife hated me had a daughter herself.

Then the law should default to 50/50 so no money needs to change hands, both parents have equal care and decision making with children and there is no case of 'it has to be done my way'

They can be out of the relationship sure, but not out of parenting. Except they can and do.

Excellent point @RhaenysRocks

I completely agree but many many men simply don't want it. They go as far as to threaten or even go to court, get awarded it and then fail to show up..either actually show up or metaphorically. I know one case where technically the kids spend 50% of nights at their dads but he drops them at the mums for school run time, does no dentist / haircut / party present buying / school admin. And pays no maintenance.

About 6 weeks ago my husband decided that family life wasn't for him.
Obviously it's REALLY early days (we're still living together) but I can not get over how selfish he's been. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I picked him as parent for my kids. And angry that I am going to have to parent with him forever (he says he doesn't want to be like his dad, who wasn't very present for the child he had before stbxh) but honestly I don't think he'll bother long term. He's already made it fairly clear he only wants them to reduce his child maintenance payments...

At the moment I'm really trying to focus on the positives of either outcome. If he does have some consistent contact then I'll get some consistent time to myself which I certainly haven't had before. If he doesn't then I won't have to share Xmas, weekends, birthdays etc.
Obviously, there's downsides to both outcomes, too, but there are also upsides.