To be angry that I was left a single parent

[Lookingforthelight]

I know you can’t control life but I feel sad this evening. I thought I had picked to have kids with a decent man.

Only we had two children, he never coped and walked out on us for a child free women. I never ever thought he was that guy.

i feel so sad for the life we could have had and the way we struggle financially.

I’m sorry to get on my soapbox here but this thread exemplifies why it’s so urgently important that women don’t give up their jobs.

These stories are heartbreaking and the bitterness is understandable but if you work you always have something to fall back on. Marriage gives you some insurance but it’s no substitute for being able to earn your own money and support your children.

At the risk of sounding smug: I was also left as a single parent in similar circumstances and it was horribly painful and traumatic but I don’t feel bitter now I feel grateful. Because within two years of him leaving I out earned him by a factor of four to one. And I was free.

Never ever listen to a man who says he will protect you or that giving up work is “best for the family”. You only ever have yourself to rely on.

100% agree - never give up having any degree of financial independence. So many women have been trapped by this.

YANBU. Such a hurtful and difficult thing to happen. I hope things improve for you ♥️

Such utter crap

This definitely wouldn’t work, if you consider part of parenting to be keeping the children safe. There’s lots of parents out there who don’t give a crap. Some of them fight for 50/50 purely so they don’t have to pay maintenance, nothing to do with wanting to be part of their children’s lives.

@Edingril , my ex was completely unsuitable to have 50/50 , he had a very unpleasant new partner and handing dd to him would have been giving her to a stranger as he had played virtually no part in her life .

I really hear you OP. I'm at the other end now. DC are adults. My ex left me two weeks before baby number 2 was born. I raised them alone as he showed zero interest in them.

I'll never truly get over what he did or the life that he left us with. We could have had/done so much more if he'd stuck around.

It was made so much more by him marrying again and having two more children - to whom he's a proper father. It's heartbreaking to watch my DC pretend they don't care.

It’s a bit naive to say that we should all have financial independence.

Ideally we would, but realistically how many of us are able to access high paying positions?

I am just not very good at STEM subjects and if we’re honest that’s where the money lies. I got through my GCSEs with a lot of revision and the wind behind me but there was no real understanding of the concepts or ideas; I just learned them! There’s no way I could have studied beyond GCSE. As it was, I did modestly well in my A levels and qualified as a teacher and I earn fine, but I’m not going to be a brain surgeon or an architect or a city banker.

Most people are like me - ordinary enough and in jobs which are ordinary and allow a good standard of living when combined with another similar salary. If I was reliant entirely on my salary we’d struggle. That’s just life and it isn’t my ‘fault.’

It's very difficult for many women with the cost of childcare. It is worth it to work as a loss during the church years but you can see why many women don't do it and are then left holding the baby.

Yes I agree with this. I will never out earn my husband for all the hard work and will in the world. I can’t just decide to stop being negative and work harder and earn more than him. There are facts to be dealt with, it’s not just a ‘high earning ‘ mindset

I agree with this.

Too many men see children as their wife's hobby.

Just read through every comment. Thanks all. I’m so sorry so many have found themselves in similar circumstances.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

In response to the poster who asked what his dad was like. Well he was a family man through and through. Ex partner used to constantly go on about how important family was to him. Didn’t make a jot of difference once kids were involved. He chose to work away constantly and prioritised sleeping with other women, while I was at home utterly sleep deprived juggling a baby and todder. Whilst telling me what an incredible mum I was?!

Oh OP. As a long-term single parent, fuck him!

Just some positives:

1. Bed to yourself (with or without the kids in it!)
2. You decide the home rules
3. You can devote your time and energy to the kids without having to factor in the twat!
4. Any free time you get (if any) is yours!
5. You are not obliged to care for the twat in old age (mostly women!)
6. Your money is yours (and the kids)
7. Your decide what's on TV (per the kids)
8. You are free to date/shag/drink with whomever you want (if that's your thing)
9. You only need to worry about yourself and your kids

You do you and fuck the ex!

Whilst I might be being pessimistic, i think that if you decide to have a child, it is always sensible to prepare for the possibility of being a single parent as life isn't predictable. I certainly did.

@WTAFisthisnonsense wish I had been like you. I was too optimistic.