To be angry that I was left a single parent

[Lookingforthelight]

I know you can’t control life but I feel sad this evening. I thought I had picked to have kids with a decent man.

Only we had two children, he never coped and walked out on us for a child free women. I never ever thought he was that guy.

i feel so sad for the life we could have had and the way we struggle financially.

YANBU at all. I often think it was only social pressure and shame and women’s inability to be financially independent that kept so many people together before modern times.

The welfare state has enabled men to walk away and contributes to some women having children without due diligence. Always aim to get married and wait two years for a new relationship to develop before tying yourself to a man. Even with those commitments the odds aren’t great but are certainly better.

Men are going to behave as men have always behaved. You can comfort yourself that they often get to retirement then want a loving family to support them. So many men get to their 50s then suddenly decide there’s something lacking in their lives!

Glad to see young women are wising up.

Yes. It’s why most religions created marriage. It’s better for the children and better for society. Just doesn’t work very well!

It's interesting how many men behave now the social stigma of leaving is gone. Same with the dating scene - look at the way so many of them behave now. Woman have become commodities more than ever.

In comparison, I don't think (again in massively general terms), women's behaviour has changed that much. It's no help to this generation of women, but in future women are going to have to change too - never becoming financially dependant on s man and keeping a healthy dose of awareness that this guy could turn the moment he gets bored.

Very very true

I find it quite irritating and patronising on here when people say you should somehow have chosen better, like they apparently did. It’s luck!

As I was reading through, this is exactly what came to my mind. There is a big attitude on here that you should have seen the type of father your partner would be before kids. It’s an impossible gamble, and even many those who think they have a ‘good one’ are excusing a lot of poor behaviour of their own husbands.

Studies show men do want children and are more likely to push for it these days. Of course, they want the idea of children - often bore out of their own upbringing of seeing mum doing the bulk of the rearing. The modern reality expects full involvement in every aspect, that’s where many men decide to opt out (despite the children already being here).

My XH always really wanted kids, was the first one to want to start TTC, still isn't a good dad.

It's really unfair that some parents, mostly men, get to walk away from their responsibilities to the children they helped create. My youngest was injured recently and supposed to be on complete rest, specialist said he could go with XH for the weekend away as long as he did nothing else, sit in car, watch screens, boardgames, books that was it. I thought even my abusive XH would do the right thing in this situation, I over estimated his ability to parent, he put our kid at risk because he didn't want to either spend one weekend quietly nor leave DS with me. I didnt sign up to do this alone, with 3 kids with SEN to boot, but I am. Given the way he is though, disney dad is actually the best option for our kids, even if it isn't the best option for my mental and psychical health.

You'd like to believe that obviously, stupid women should have picked better. I was married for over a decade before my XH got violent and I was in complete and utter shock at what he was capable of. People like to believe we knew because then they don't have to consider the fact that you can know someone for decades and never really know them.

YANBU to be angry.

My best friend got arrested for harassment for trying to drop her children off to her ex partner because he drove away and she had no clue what was going on so followed him in her car with children. (Police no further actioned this! But wtf?!) He obviously never seen his kids again because he simply wasn't arsed but he's telling anyone who will listen she's a crazy ex who withholds his kids 🙄

My other friend has an abusive ex who fought for 50/50 for over a year and the day before court he changed his mind because he said he couldn't handle his youngest. A whole year of abuse from him and the day before court he says no.

I've got many, many, more things I could say on this matter but I won't because it just pisses me off.

I understand why you're angry though OP 💐

Men often only show their true colours during pregnancy / after childbirth. It’s so unfair that the government doesn’t have the will to force them to step up to truly provide 50/50 financial support for their kids. CMS is a joke

Totally with you on this OP. Me and my ex-DH tried for a family for years, we had been married for 7 years by the time they were born. I thought I knew him inside out (warts and all!) but how he behaved and could walk out on his very young family, still shocks me.

Now he sees them EOW, no contact in between. He has no idea what's going on with their education, health, progression etc... but somehow thinks he's Dad of the year because he has a fun couple of days with them once a fortnight. Usually I am so burnt out by the time his contact comes that I don't get any real quality time to myself before they're home again.

It's almost accepted that men can get away with doing the bare minimum post split, and any man (rare in my opinion!) who actually does 50/50 is celebrated like a hero...

If a woman were to behave the same as a man in this scenario, it would be viewed entirely differently ("How can she abandon her children??!" "What sort of mother is she?!")

This is what I keep asking DH. We have fertility issues so we have had far more time to think about it than most couples. He seems really keen to be a dad; but at the same time says it's down to me and he would be happy with or without (but I can't tell if he is just saying that so I don't feel bad if the fertility treatments don't work out). We are in early 30s though so I think he probably is more optimistic about the fertility treatment than I am (or that i would get pregnant naturally at some stage). I am not sure we should go through so much medical intervention if he isn't keen or just let medical treatment take its course.

Married 9 years and we never really used artificial contraception.

You must have led a very sheltered life if you're 'shocked' by this. It happens every day. In my case my ex cut off contact with my daughter and neither saw her or paid any maintenance. Fortunately my second husband is a wonderful man who brought her up as his own, gave her away at her wedding, etc.

Strong women are excellent at just getting on with bringing up their wonderful children. My best piece of advice is to try not to be bitter. I hope that you are one of the fortunate ones who never has to experience this devastation.

I hear you and everyone else on this thread OP, and I wonder what the natural conclusion will be for our daughters and their daughters. Women on the whole are so reliable, bloody resourceful and capable, and yet we continue to be seen as ‘less than’ men.

My DH is a decent one and I’ve been comparatively lucky in that sense (although I don’t like saying that because he is only doing what most of us women do!). Having seen how so many men behave though, I’m not sure I would make the same choices if I had my time again - it’s just so risky for women. It’s only going to get worse as so many boys are modelled poor behaviour by their own absent fathers.

So back to my first paragraph and pondering the long term effects of these patterns - will women wait and go it alone with child-bearing from the outset using donor sperm at a time and position in our lives that suits us? What will that mean for the birth rate and our own positions in the workforce etc? Or will we just stop getting married and having children at all?

I wonder about this fairly often. At what point will the government feel the need to step in and incentivise us to procreate, and start rescinding our rights to contraceptives etc? The ageing population is already a problem and we need more babies to pay for our social care and pension costs.

I feel that as women we’re snookered at every turn and it’s both infuriating and terrifying.

I found myself a solo parent in different circumstances. We did everything right to be the family unit we both dreamed of, then my husband died.

I try not to be, but I’m incredibly bitter at the parenting experience I lost. That’s a whole other dose of grief which you are experiencing, and grief makes you angry. All you can do is try to channel the anger into something worthwhile. One day your kids will know what you give to them, and you have that bond for life.

This is my experience too. The women’s ambition for motherhood is the driver, the men are ambivalent. I’m not saying it’s right, but the reality is an uninvested man will always be a risk.

I don’t think that’s the case necessarily @CCreasty and even if it is I think it’s more that men would be happy either way but love the children when they arrive - for as long as they maintain the relationship with their mother. That is the key.

I think very often, the goal for men is passing on their dna. Once they have created the children, the legacy is secure, so no need to do anything so inconvenient as raising them. It's why they can want them and still walk away.

So sorry OP but there is an upside to this. It happened to me too and I was relieved I didn't have to share my DS with him. 50/50 would have killed me.
I was a nurse when DS was born but it soon became obvious I wasn't going to be able to get childcare for shift work.
So I went back to university and trained to be a podiatrist, one of the few 9 to 5 NHS jobs.
I did really well, worked really hard and was able to buy us a house and have financial security.
And above all my DS was brought up by a strong capable woman as is now a decent man as a result.
Work towards your career goals, get a degree and plan your future. You can do this. Much love.

Out of interest what were these men’s own family like growing up? Were their fathers present and good role models? I’m lucky enough to have found a good one. He too wasn’t bothered whether we had children or not but I knew he’d step up as he had such amazing role model in his parents.

I just wonder if the advice is to look at the man’s family as that will tell you the father he is likely to be 🤔

Interesting point and possibly a worthwhile marker statistically. That said, my own DH was traumatised by his own dad’s affair and subsequent split from DH’s mum, and vowed to do better himself. So far, so good (married parents to young adults) but I’ll never trust anyone 100%. It really can happen to any of us.

he sounds like a total loser and I don't blame you for feeling resentful. then again at some point I think you have to reframe it as you're free of the idiot he turned out to be, and stronger because of it. Life as a single parent is hard but you have to focus on you and your kids, developing your life and interests and looking after your kids, rather than be angry at him forever. Think about how you can change your life step by step. I focus on the small steps always by moving towards the bigger picture. At times I've really struggled as a single parent but it does get easier with time and actually you can be the architect of the rest of your life without a loser involved! Think about what your goals are and work towards them bit by bit.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast , you raise an interesting point , my partner has never met his Dad , but he had been an incredible father to our two children and has bought up my eldest as his own

There's a saying 'mothers baby, fathers maybe' although of course some mothers leave too but much fewer.

A lot of men do want kids, for legacy, a sign of virility or to pass on religious or cultural norms that benefit them. They just don't want to raise the kids.

My BIL and SIL split up as he was abusive (alcohol, drugs etc) She was well rid of him but he literally left and didn't look back. It's been 5 years since he has seen his kids and hasn't paid a penny. He has now shacked up with somebody else, she got pregnant after a couple of weeks and they split straight away. He has only recently got back with her( child is now 3.5) and he is playing happy families despite not knowing if the child is even is. He has stated on many occasions he wanted a DNA test. His FB I'm told is full of days out and treats for this child. Meanwhile his ex wife and his two children from their marriage are struggling. They were homeless for a while as SIL had to sell the family home as she could not afford it. Both children (teenagers) are struggling with mental health and one has attempted suicide. It's angers me that BIL has just discarded them..