To expect DH to finish work on time

[finishontimeffs]

Every time when he wfh it’s the same, I’m sat in the lounge for hours with kids screaming, fighting, won’t leave one another alone for a second while he’s sat in the next room ignoring us.

I know I’ll get lots of YABUs but it makes me irrationally angry. I’ve been at work myself and am fed up.

It is difficult as he does longe hours but he does take the piss with the staying in the office. I could stay in work longe myself but feel guilty, I feel 8-4 is a long enough day for them really.

Send the 3 year old in to see Daddy if Daddy isn't on a call. 😉

@finishontimeffs I just don't understand why you don't cherish every moment with your children....NOT.. just kidding.. this comes from someone who loves kids in general not just mine. You love your kids all the time but not every moment is a joy and I will call out anyone who says the contrary as a liar or suffering from dementia. Your best friend is play dooh, drawing, tv and a glass of wine (for you). I would be infuriated with dh as well. Can you divide the time a bit? Like you do one hour and then he does one? And the rest together.

Put a screaming child in there with him?!!

1. Is he actually working between 4.30 and 6.30?

1. Does he come out of his office to a cooked meal or do you just sort the kids tea and he cooks you both some dinner when he's finished work?

1. What are your weekends like parenting load wise?

Do you have to pick them up at 4:15? Would a rearrangement where they do one longer day and you leave earlier on another so have less cranky time with them work better?

Have you asked him to finish at 5 while the kids are small?

Does he pick it all up when he does finish?

he does sound like a lazy arse,
sorry, using work as an excuse. But not sure how you get him to step up.

Maybe just repeating and repeating that you are knackered and need help. Good luck.

So what's his take on this? Does he think it's your problem because you're choosing to pick up at 4 but paying for nursery till 6?

What's the schedule in the afternoons at the nursery? Just asking because ours used to do tea 4 to 4.30 so DH and I quickly discovered it was better to pick up at 4.45pm when child had been fed!

(I used to sit in the supermarket cafe across the road for half an hour).

Maybe there's a compromise like, you pick up at 4.30 a couple of days and he does at least one pick up a week so he gets the experience.

What are his actual official hours and what does he actually do for a job?

They eat at nursery so I don’t need to cook, that’s the best thing about nursery days!

His actual hours are quite flexible, he can start when he wants and finish when he wants but there is work to be done which I accept and it’s one of those jobs where it’s never really done - I understand as mines similar.

In the summer we probably can go to a park or something but it just isn’t practical at this time of year. Still, it is not forever.

Totally get this OP. Once it gets to 5 I send DD in to the study to disturb DH if he’s still ‘working’. We both work full time for a very flexible employer and I have boundaries at work ie not working past 5 so I expect the same from him. Also agree about not enjoying your child 100% of the time, they are bloody hard work.

And sorry to say but it gets worse at school, or has for us. Our DD is bloody shattered after reception each day and the period between arriving home and bed can be very challenging as she’s so tired.

I think he could come out of the office from 5.30 to 6.30.

If he wanted to.

What does he have to say about it?

He is avoiding family life. The cheek of him. What are his set working hours? Lots of people work from home - they finish work when they're supposed to, it's not different just because they happen to be doing their job from home!

Slightly different but this reminds me of working for local authority years ago. The number of men who'd be in the office after work finished just chatting, playing online games, or off to the pub with colleagues. Whilst their wife and DCs were at home. You just knew they'd conveniently go home after dinner was cooked, chores done, and the DCs were in bed. Your H is effecting this pattern from home.

He does, it’s when he’s in there much after five I get a bit fed up. By 6, I generally want to kill him!

My DH’s job sounds similar and I finish at 4 so I pick up the kids and have them for longer in the evening. His is project based and as he’s running the job there is always more to be done. Pre kids he probably used wfh days to bank a bit more hours but that just doesn’t work now.
What we do is agree a set time for him to finish, it’s 5:30 rather than 6pm when in the office. Then barring a total disaster which is only allowed every now and again, he must finish at 5:30 and if he has more to do he can do it after the kids are in bed.
It makes me feel like he’s not just sitting in there in his phone ducking out of the hard bit and since he’s using his actual evening to catch up either work he’s usually more keen to speed through it or doesn’t log back on at all.

Ideally we’d agree a time and stick to it but I know what he’s like, he gets caught up in stuff. It’s a pain as it does leave me a bit stuck.

Still both children asleep and I don’t work Tuesdays and Wednesdays - bliss!

I'm the one with the BIG job in the house. Long days in the office twice a week and the rest at home. My DS is a bit older but my rule is laptop off or downstairs at 5pm. Check emails, keep an eye on things, pick it back up at 7.30pm if needed. I earn more than double what DH does but I appreciate that the tired after school hours are tricky and it's not fair to land that all on DH.

Without knowing what your husband does it is hard to judge and I can’t believe all these people who finish at 5pm! Crikey! My DH works in a profession famed for long hours and when my DC were kids sometimes I would actually only seem him once a week despite sleeping in the same bed

Maybe if your kids are in a good mood but if they are grumpy all the time then no

You just need to hammer it home then. Make it clear him working longer forces you to work longer by looking after the kids on your own.

There is no reason most of the week the work can’t just be paused until 7:30. If he wants to work longer he can do it on his own time.

Can't he stop a bit earlier and catch up an hour or two after they're in bed? It's not particularly pleasant but it's the only way our life works with slightly older kids wanting to do a million activities after school. Or is he going to leave all that to you as well?

And no one loves trying to decompress after work with toddlers and pre schoolers who are grouchy (and in the winter usually ill) after nursery and both want to be picked up / mummy's sole attention. I am pretty sure that relatively few people cherish every moment of trying to wipe one childs bum while stop the other one screaming and emptying the cupboards etc

He needs to do what thousands of women who WFH or work in an office and have to do pick up do - shut the laptop on time, deal with the miserable evening wailing, fighting, dinner time and bed time , and then log back on again once they’re in bed. Even if he did that once a week it would be better than nothing. Bloody useless skiver.

And I’m always astounded by the way that the same senior job done by a man and a woman is either a Big Important Man Job that has no flexibility, or a senior role with a lot of control that can be used to flex around the kids.

@SuperGinger same, I have joked many times that though we end up in the same bed at night I barely see him.

DH has a job that requires what I can only describe as complete devotion, lots of overseas travel though that stopped after covid. Our marriage worked out and we are past child rearing years. it has meant a financially comfortable lifestyle that I could only have dreamed of as a child. We discussed just how difficult it would be before we married.