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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to finish work on time

126 replies

finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 17:38

Every time when he wfh it’s the same, I’m sat in the lounge for hours with kids screaming, fighting, won’t leave one another alone for a second while he’s sat in the next room ignoring us.

I know I’ll get lots of YABUs but it makes me irrationally angry. I’ve been at work myself and am fed up.

OP posts:
MellersSmellers · 04/11/2024 18:49

Yes, but when is On Time?
What are his hours, when does he start etc.
4.30 or even 5pm seems early to me.
Stop grumbling (and Yes, I've been there -typically my DH was home at 9pm at that age), talk to him and get some agreement about how to manage this. Something that acknowledges both that it's exhausting for you and his work commitments (as well as parenting responsibilities)

thenoldmrsrabbit · 04/11/2024 19:03

I think it depends on whether he can finish at a set time, whether he has to do a set amount of stuff and can't get it done on time, or whether he is dossing around taking his sweet time cos pissing about on the computer is easier that looking after the kids.

swiftieswoop · 04/11/2024 19:22

Your kids are being brats and that's somehow your DH's fault, even though he's working in a different room?

Maybe the question should be about how to manage your kids yourself. How do you think single parents cope?

Original poster
finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 19:25

I cope much better and much easier when he’s not there. There is something quite infuriating about someone in the house who could help, who doesn’t.

OP posts:
coffeesaveslives · 04/11/2024 19:26

Coconutter24 · 04/11/2024 18:36

If he’s usually working till the evening when he is in the office is it likely that he is actually working into the evening when wfh?

Show quote history

Or (more likely) he's hanging round the office to avoid coming home - I used to see it happen all the time when I worked out of the house. Men hanging about chatting or going for a drink, or just taking ages to leave so they could avoid bedtime.

Original poster
finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 19:29

No - he works two hours away, and so with peak traffic it’s often pushing 8 when he’s home.

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 04/11/2024 19:36

finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 17:49

I hate it @Soupwithstring , I cope because it’s not every day but I hate the fact I’m back by 430 and have the worst part of the day to deal with solo as he ignores us!

I think that's quite a sad way of looking at it. Surely the time when your children come home after school is the best time of the day when you can spend time with them and talk to them about their day? I always found this was a really precious time thst I looked forward to every day.

BruFord · 04/11/2024 19:39

If he really needs to work longer, could he take a break for a hour (4:30-5:30) to help out and then go back to it?

Dawevi · 04/11/2024 20:06

finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 19:25

I cope much better and much easier when he’s not there. There is something quite infuriating about someone in the house who could help, who doesn’t.

I felt the same so I told DH he could either finish on time WFH, or go into an office every day, but he could not just choose to work longer to avoid his family. And I would go in at 5.40 (giving ten minutes' grace) and just let him know the time. So he knew I knew he knew! He stopped doing it.

Original poster
finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 20:29

They aren’t at school @Growlybear83 . They are at nursery and after I’ve been at work myself, they’ve been in childcare for the day, everyone’s a bit tired, grouchy and just waiting for bed, no it’s not the best time of the day! Maybe this will change when they’re both at school!

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 04/11/2024 20:34

It doesn't really matter whether they've been in school or nursery - if they've been away from you all day, then I think the time when they get home is really special, and is time that I would want to spend with them rather than wanting your partner to do this.

Original poster
finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 20:34

Well, you can do that then.

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 04/11/2024 20:36

Thank you. I did - there was nothing I enjoyed more than spending as much time as I could with my daughter when she was that sort of age.

Gr8bolsoffyre · 04/11/2024 20:37

Millions of people (mainly women) manage to finish on time in order to pick their kids up from school/childcare.

This is no different and people (men) need to push back on this culture of working a stupid amount of hours. It’s only acceptable because we let it be. Regardless of how much money he earns and how important his job is. It’s not healthy for anyone to work 40+ hours a week or 8+ hours a day. It’s different if he’s not working enough hours but if OP does drop off too then presumably he starts early enough to have some 4.30 finishes?

Original poster
finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 20:37

It does feel like you’re picking a fight. I don’t always enjoy spending time with my children. It doesn’t make me a bad parent, but not every moment is enjoyable and that’s just realistic. I don’t know how old your daughter is now, but it is possible that memory has played a few tricks. I certainly know mine does!

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 04/11/2024 20:38

I'm not picking a fight. I can't help it if I have a different viewpoint to you. There is nothing at all wrong with my memory.

Original poster
finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 20:39

Having a different viewpoint and enjoying different things is fine. Using words like ‘sad’ and being critical of me because the 430-630 shift is a tad hellish is not.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 04/11/2024 20:41

Much depends on the personality of the child, also!

I mean I love my DD to bits but she can be a beast after school and nursery was worse, with constant fighting to get out of the car seat, tired/hungry/grumpy/nappy issues.

Such fun after a day at work!

SwedishHills · 04/11/2024 20:41

Study door open at the time he's meant to finish unless he's in a meeting. I started doing this as my husband does the same and it does my head in.

Original poster
finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 20:44

Phineyj · 04/11/2024 20:41

Much depends on the personality of the child, also!

I mean I love my DD to bits but she can be a beast after school and nursery was worse, with constant fighting to get out of the car seat, tired/hungry/grumpy/nappy issues.

Such fun after a day at work!

Yes my DD thinks it is a national scandal when she is put in the car seat out of my arms for the ten minute drive home! It is flattering I suppose but somewhat exhausting.

not adoring every moment with a child is a long way from not adoring the child. And Growly I do note from a wee search your DD seems to be an adult. I am not suggesting anything is wrong with your memory; I am suggesting that we all look back with rosy tinted spectacles.

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 04/11/2024 20:52

finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 20:39

Having a different viewpoint and enjoying different things is fine. Using words like ‘sad’ and being critical of me because the 430-630 shift is a tad hellish is not.

Well, you posted this in AIBU so I assumed that you wanted people's viewpoints. I haven't criticised you at all, but I expressed my opinion, which is that I think it is sad if any parents, not just you, don't want to spend as much time as they possibly can with their children if they've been apart from them all day. If you've interpreted that as criticism, I can't help that.

And yes, my daughter is an adult now, but I don't look back on her childhood with rose tinted glasses at all - I genuinely loved and treasured all the time I spent with her.

Sorry if you only posted this in the hope that everyone would agree with you - I'll unwatch this thread now and leave you to it.

Phineyj · 04/11/2024 20:54

Well, a 10 min drive sounds great. Ours was 45!

Original poster
finishontimeffs · 04/11/2024 20:56

Oh behave yourself @Growlybear83 . I posted about DH, not having sniffy comments about how sad it is I’m not loving hyper squabbly children!

Didnt you find that messed with naps, @Phineyj ? Genuine question obviously … I’d have been paranoid they’d drop off.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 04/11/2024 21:02

If its every day then it feels deliberate to me. I would sit him down one evening and have a conversation about options for change. Put everything on the table, including him changing jobs, moving house, him choosing between picking the kids up from nursery on WFH days or finishing on time and then going back to work after the DC are in bed. Yes it might be easier for you to collect on your way home

Make it clear that something needs to change. Ask him for his suggestions. You are both parents and both your lives need to change and you both need to do things that you would not ordinarily do in terms of work to accommodate the children you both chose to have.

Jumbojem · 04/11/2024 21:04

I get it, I hated this post nursery period with my two as well on some occasions. Also totally get the resentment that one parent is around but also absent at the same time can be grating. Our rule was one did mornings the other did evenings on days we both worked. So you if you got to bugger off to work early while the other did breakfast and nursery run you did pick up and the early eve shift and vice versa. Bed time was always divide and rule, with alternating the child we had each night. Although the one who wasn't doing eve child care would also be responsible for adults dinner when they got in. Your set up sounds like you are doing both am and pm though?
Think you need to speak to your OH, he isn't doing his fair share it seems and needs to get out and help on his WFH days rather than sit there avoiding a tough parenting slot.