MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

You dont have their phone details. Unbelievable!

My family are like your in laws - they will ask us to let them know about flights and hotels - and will also send the details of their holidays to us. Is it a bit annoying? Yes. Does it take more than 30 seconds to address it which makes them feel happier? No. So we just do it and it’s fine. I don’t agree that it’s intrusive - knowing where you are is not that big a deal.

I do sometimes wonder if it’s a cultural thing. My family are from India where this is very normal, possibly in part because some parts of India are dangerous. My DH’s are English and rarely know where each other are, let alone sharing such details.

I normally give someone else in the family a rough idea of what flight I am on and where I am staying. I just think, in case of some kind of disaster, it'll make it all a tiny bit easier for them to try and find out info.

I'd be pretty unimpressed with an late night call to the hotel to check on me, thiugh.

If a relative of mine rang my hotel to chk I was ok they’d be getting an earful.
That is so overstepping.

Agree although to share details of flights & Hotel imo is totally reasonable & should be a standard consideration on both parts.

My MIL now only gets a country, or “north Scotland”, but often we don’t tell her we’re going. As she did similar and phoned up the holiday let agent one time!

Totally agree. It’s quite bizarre, especially in days of mobile phones where people can be in touch easily via text or WhatsApp. Very intrusive behaviour from the MIL.

@Firstimpressions
"You dont have their phone details. Unbelievable

I've been with my husband for over 45 years. It's never been an issue. I could maybe find out the contact details of his brother if I searched online but I don't have any of their numbers to hand. I've never ever needed them. Why would I?

My husbands Mum genuinely loves me. I'm very nice to her. However, I don't need or want to be more involved than tagging along with my Husband when we visit. He is the same for my family.
It works. Lots of Mums and DILs on Mumsnet seem to be fighting about who has power and who is in control. It seems sad and unhealthy. Look at the OPs situation. Why on earth does she care. If my MIL asked me to provide hotel details I'd shrug ,y shoulders and suggest she asks her son.

Tell your husband to stop being so wet and to stop telling mummy every detail of your holiday.

It all sounds a bit ridiculous, and I have a DM that is definitely a bit on the controlling and anxious side. I let her know within a couple of days of landing that all is fine, then a couple of further emails and photos during the holiday. She doesn't let me know anything at all when she is away other than the country, I just assume all is well.

I think I have her quite blasé on this front though after the years of backpacking in the 90s when she barely knew what country I was in, let alone where I was staying.

She phoned the hotel? That’s borderline insanity.

We give the MiL our flight number as she likes to track on flight radar. We’ll FaceTime at some point (mostly to see our dog!) and that’s it.

Sorry I still don't get this. You never know what's around the corner. If something happened very suddenly to my DH the first thing I would do is call our adult children & at the same time his mother & father. Again though each to their own.

Good grief..loving mum and now grandmother..I never know or want to know about my family’s holidays other than they usually mention the country. Most odd that your mil is so involved imo.

I don't think it hurts to WhatsApp when you have arrived, yes it's not necessary but it is free to do and takes seconds. I also think sending a picture every 2-3 days is fair enough, enough to placate her but not too intrusive (plus it's nice to share photos).

Thanks all, it's been really useful to get your different perspectives and experiences on this, which is what I was after.

I do feel for my MIL, both in terms of potential MH/anxieties and that it's her family too that she cares deeply for and don't want to make her MH worse for her. I feel its an overstep on our holidays (to be asked to share details not to do so on his own accord), much like many people here feel too.
I've made it clear to my DH it's very unusual for me and I don't understand it. But for various reasons maybe MIL needs this little thing in her life and I should accept that little thing and move on.

Depends on what you mean by itinerary.
Husband and I give an itinerary to our son. We include accommodation and their numbers. We do a lot of independent travel in Asia and other places where mobile/internet cover is patchy. I would much rather this than if a flight went down and he doesn’t know if we were on it and can’t get hold of us that he worries. I’m not sure why OP, and others, think it’s unreasonable. Surely it’s common sense and doesn’t harm anyone? You sound really unpleasant to your mil, telling her she should manage her anxieties.

People can be extremely blasé about possible family emergencies on either side & so what if phones are unavailable.

Of course those types of things only happen to other people so why bother sharing holiday details 🙄

I am the least interfering mil on the planet. My son & dil voluntarily offer their flight & Hotel details & in turn so do DH & I. We give each other space & would never make contact unless there was an emergency.They would thankfully do the same. As always each to their own.

My in-laws asked us to put trackers on our phones like SiL has done, ‘so we don’t need to keep texting you to check you’re OK’. We refused. We tell my in-laws as little as possible about our lives as we get pestered for reassurance whenever we do, in the name of their anxiety. Any flight is monitored throughout, any car journey they know about results in a slew of texts to check our ETA or arrival. We try not to feed the beast. It feels very claustrophobic and like they are trying to drag us into their own uncontrolled anxiety.

We will send a basic ‘arrived safely’ message if they know we’re travelling because otherwise we get a series of increasingly anxious texts, WhatsApps and emails until we do.

It’s only part of other difficult behaviour that is anxiety-driven that makes our relationship with them hard work. They are not willing to accept they have disproportionate anxiety at all.

What exactly would she do if you didn't arrive safely?
Fly in? Phone The Embassy?
I did used to send my Mum a quick text when I arrived on holiday but it was not always the same day if we arrived late or something and she wouldn't have phoned the hotel (or even knew which hotel it was).
She is being over the top but its for your H to deal with

OP just seen your update, and I’m glad you have realised that this helps mil having this information.

Seems reasonable to let her know the name and tel.no. of the hotel just in case there is an emergency at home and she has been unable to contact you on your phone, but that is all. A text/call to say you have arrived safely should suffice.

Had she been messaging your husband and he’d ignored it hence the hotel call? If not then going straight to calling the hotel is a right drama llama and done for attention. But stop being embarrassed it’s no reflection on you what she does. In fact I’d have no part in it at all, she’s nothing to do with you it’s completely on your husband to deal with.

I do think it's being too intrusive to actually call the hotel. If your mil is known to be the anxious type regarding travelling abroad a simple text would solve the problem. Rather than see it as irritating perhaps try to look at it as having in-laws who genuinely love & care for you all. There are people who have in-laws who have no interest or involvement with their adult children or grand children. That to me is far worse than being expected to send a quick text or a call to say you've arrived abroad safely.

My in-laws asked us to put trackers on our phones like SiL has done, ‘so we don’t need to keep texting you to check you’re OK’. We refused.

Good god, that sounds stifling, good for you saying no, that’s insanity!

My in laws are much more of a wanting to know you’re landed safe etc, and general worriers about everything. I let DH deal with them on this stuff, I find it too much.

If MIL called our hotel I’d feel stalked!! they’ve never asked for this kind of level of detail but it’s really unnecessary.

I’ve often been on holiday and not mentioned it to my dad until I get home, so we’re complete opposites! I think he’d think I’d gone mad if I messaged him to say I’d arrived anywhere safe, he assumes I’m safe & a competent adult unless he hears otherwise I guess. Mobile phones means he can call any time, the concept that I wouldn’t arrive safe anywhere is melodramatic imo.

I think unless there’s a specific family situation where say someone is ill etc then even the thought process that there might be an emergency is over the top, the likelihood of there being an emergency and phones of two adults being both unavailable is really unlikely.