MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

Oh no another diagnosis of narcissism
terrible mil dreadful woman

I doubt he will stop.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

FGS this is why MIL and DIL have such tragic relationships. "Quite intrusive' really?

We always used to do this as a matter of course when anyone was travelling abroad and moving around in case of an emergency - so you would know which hotel they were in and when, just in case. It's hardly the end of the world. You probably tell your friends what you are doing in similar terms.

Flight numbers/times/ hotel names and dates at hotels would normally do.

The ONLY reason it bothers you is because it is your MIL showing she cares about her son and YOU don't like her.

Sigh.

I haven't told my MIL to manage her anxiety. That would be very insensitive and I wouldn't do that.

I send MiL and my parents pictures while on holiday or days away, usually of the kids and/or her son/my DH with the kids. But I have not, as an adult experienced being asked to share certain details before by a parent/PIL just to know where we are.

I see it as the difference between me wanting to share things about our lives as an adult with the grandparents, and what a grandparents is asking me to share to ease their anxiety about whereabouts.

As I said above, it may be easiest to continue as is and for me to just deal with it as it is and accept it.

I don’t think it is care, it’s to satisfy a need in them. I was attacked in an apartment when I was 11, a man had been watching and broke in and assaulted me. It was late at night and He knew my parents had left me in there alone. If we are now on holiday and have a bedroom and a living room and the living room has my daughter sleeping on the sofa bed and the room has the outer door on it I have to have a real word with myself as I convince myself someone will break in and get my daughter and that I won’t hear it. It’s irrational, but slightly worse as it did happen to me but I’d never ever let her know because it’s my anxiety not hers. So I lock the front door take and take a deep breath !

I tell my DM that I'm going away somewhere, and she hopes I have a good time. We will catch up when I get back. The only person who I communicate with when I'm away is my DP.

The in laws usually know when we are going away and the rough area because DS tells them, but we certainly don't tell them we have arrived or an itenerary.

On the other hand they often don't Tell us they're away until they get back!

Oh, no, not everyday itinerary…I very rarely know exactly what I’m doing in advance. But I guess the point is, my mum would be able to contact the hotel in emergency…if she did that inappropriately, we would discuss it, but I know she’s a worrier, I think people who live alone and no longer work have a lot of time on their hands and might fill that with worries.

It's situations like deaths or sudden serious illnesses a family would wish to know about that are exactly the reasons people are talking about when they say it's not unreasonable to share flight & hotel details. Phones are not always contactable.Knowing the details are a simple safeguard. It's not just about arriving safely.

I don't understand the obsession about letting people know you've landed safely. If you hadn't landed safely and the plane had crashed I'd be breaking news- especially if it's a flight from or to the UK.

I'm on the chilled side of things though, I have a husband who is always abroad for work in various places and I have been known to not know what city he's in (he does tell me but I forget sometimes). He does message regularly though so I know he's not dead (and if he was to die someone from his work would let me know quickly so I don't worry if he's travelling and I don't hear from him)

I say very firmly to my mum every time she tries to pull this bullshit that worry is not the same as love. No the relentless hounding of you on holiday because SHE has an anxiety problem is not showing her love - it's the opposite.

Exactly, they are using you to self soothe. Get some therapy.

I usually text the family WhatsApp group but with a look at this view or we've been here twenty minutes and ds is in the pool already type picture, it would be odd for me not to communicate at all during a holiday although I managed it other than the we landed call when I was 17/18 and mobiles abroad weren't really a thing . It wouldn't occur to me to give the hotel details etc to my parents or PIL if we have ours more conversational oh we've booked to go to Italy May half term, of that's nice where are you going, might send a link to the hotel when discussing the area.

I follow them on flight radar breathe a sigh of relief when they land safely. Have no idea where they're staying, get lovely photos while they're there. That's it.

Relentless? She phoned a hotel once.

She shouldn't have done, of course, but you're exaggerating egregiously.

I let mine know I've arrived and that I'm not going to be on my phone now for a week.or so.

I always give my mum details of our holiday - usually a screen shot of the booking. So she knows flight numbers/times and hotel we’re staying at. In case there is an emergency and she can’t get hold of us (probably a hang over from when mobile signal abroad was bad) but also in case there was a plane crash or something she would know what flight we were on. I also always let her know when we arrive. She does the same when she goes away. I don’t think it’s overbearing at all.

My mother used to do this. I think she saw worrying about people as a way of showing love, but for the recipient (me) it felt suffocating and controlling.

It wasn't too bad in the era before mobile phones, but once she could contact me at any time, it got worse - multiple phone calls to check up on me if I was later than she expected to arrive somewhere, even a perfectly normal journey in the UK.

And over time, I realised the more detail she knew about what I was doing and where I was meant to be, the more wound up she got if my plans changed or I was delayed and she didn't hear from me exactly when she expected to. It meant that increasingly I tried to tell her as little as possible about my life and movements to avoid being the subject of excessive anxiety and being forced to spend time and energy on calming her down.

It didn't help that she never got the hang of using a mobile herself, so I couldn't just text her, it had to be a phone call, which meant I ended up worrying if I was arriving somewhere late because she would still insist I called her even if it woke her up. In the end I just said no, I am not doing this any more. If anything bad happens to me, you will hear soon enough. My (now adult) children travel a lot, and I have never expected this kind of thing from them.

If your DH is reluctant to stop pandering to her, and if MiL is at all tech-savvy, would it work just to briefly share location with her via whatsapp or google maps, just so she knows you have arrived, rather than having to call her? I certainly would never give her hotel names and phone numbers again.

Before WhatsApp and easy mobile phone use my parents always presented us with a full itinerary of their holiday with hotels, flight numbers, emergency number for the travel firm, insurance company info. They travelled around a lot on each break so it often ran to two sides of A4 paper. I'm wondering if your MiL is similar age to my parents that it was the norm in the past and she hasn't quite adjusted to the fact that you can now get in touch much more easily and this is unnecessary levels of detail for the modern world?

Yes I agree...I would never have worried my Mum unnecessarily just for the sake of a 5 sec text !
Thankfully my children are lovely thoughtful adults as well.

I got a call from my brother to tell me that my mum had died, when I was on a long train journey in Portugal.
That worked out fine as I had a Portuguese SIM and a smartphone.

But back in the day, I'd have furnished the family with where I was staying. Because shit happens, and if you've done that one considerate thing, it makes it much easier for your family, as they don't have to panic and worry about trying to find you.

Obviously it would be even worse if a family member was very ill, as you might want to get back quickly to see them, and the wasted time could be significant.

So yes, that's why I used to share my accommodation contact details, and why I now make sure that my kids can get in touch with me, by having a local data SIM..

If you leave details of location etc I would also leave details of how the info is used. This could be use only for life ending illness or death of close family and emergency at either end like a flood. Separately set expectations of contact - e.g arrived however If this was the norm I would talk through what if not contacted when expected and what steps to take or not take. There seems no point in having this habit if you have not got a plan if the message is not received, that to me feels like fake concern, controlling or enjoying a drama.

That's lovely & extremely thoughtful. I despair of people who suggest you should never ever worry about people you love. It's natural. Knowing on a regular basis they are safe & well is all that's required.

I say this as the mother of adult DC in their 40’s.

If she suffers from anxiety, pandering to her whims will only confirm to her that she’s entitled to know everything you’re doing and probably increase her fears too. I’d roll back on the amount of information you pass on.

I wait to get WhatsApp pics when they go on holiday and respond accordingly, although I suspect that the other granny might be similar to the OP’s MIL as she always wants to be involved in everything including inviting herself to our family party/meal out last year. I thought that was a bit much but said nothing and just paid the bill.

"The ONLY reason it bothers you is because it is your MIL showing she cares about her son and YOU don't like her."

This is really OTT. I think it'd be wonderful if my MIL had more quality time with her son/my DH, and I have encouraged and suggested they go on activities together and that he stays with her for a few days on his own (without me, without the kids). I have encouraged amd suggested this multiple times over our 15y relationship. This is derailing this post though.

I made this post to see beyond my own experiences with my family on the subject of sharing holiday details.