To think this is marriage ending

[Ohforgodssake123]

sorry I’m cross posting because I’m actually desperate for advice / someone to calm me down.

Dh always always moans about having no money at the mid point/ end of the month, has to be super frugal to make it through. Claiming it’s because I don’t pay my fair share of the bills. I pay a proportional amount as I earn less (55%45%). After moaning and blaming me, saying we can’t afford to go on holiday and how I need to get these holiday ideas out of my head because I’m spending ‘all his money’. This went on a while, I crack and demand to see what he’s spending it on as he takes home £300 more than me, and I’ve got a fair amount left and I just spent £100 on kids clothes and £175 on insurance excess and saved £500. (What kicked this off was a holiday I’ve been eyeing up and his share of the excess and expenses he can’t pay) He protests, and eventually gives in.
half expecting to see gambling after I see he’s only got £300 left (pay day was mid month). He’s owed £100 in business expenses. But what do I see, £250 in takeaways. Not evening take aways (there were some, after I’ve cooked and he’s decided he didn’t like it so ordered more food after the kids went to bed) but lunchtime takeaways. He’s been ordering himself A takeaway every lunch time, £15+ a pop. I work in an office so I’ve not seen this and I cook extra food at night for lunch the next day and he’s been binning it!
im fuming that a) he’s blamed me for having no cash and b) he’s so financially irresponsible. He is also the man that refused to save for his children because he doesn’t have any money!
when I’ve grilled him and tbh had a go at him, he’s said it’s his money and I’m being controlling so I can spend it all. I never ask him for a penny, nor does he buy me gifts or treats (just a box of chocolate and a cake for birthday and a Moonpig card, no anniversary, Xmas or anything else) none of which I care about to say it’s me! He then flipped and said ‘ i won’t be living long anyway, soon I’ll be dead and you can spend all my money then’. What money?! Then how he wants to spend his money, and he’s earned it etc.
am I over reacting? Am I being controlling? I don’t mind treating yourself but surely this is excessive and lazy! 3 nights a week I have to cook dinner for the next day before bed, I’m up til 11pm doing it, when it’s his turn he can’t be arsed to a takeaway and bam £40 gone.
All I want is to live a comfortable life and provide for our children and save for a rainy day, retirement and making memories but here he is just pissing it away and I’m having to make up the short fall.
im so so cross. Im actually thinking that such different attitudes to money and savings can be marriage ending.

They were for me. We'll be divorcing in the new year. He don't change.

The massive emotional manipulation that accompanied being caught out would be marriage ending for me. He can fuck off to the far side of fuck with that "soon I'll be dead" thing.

I just can’t understand being a marriage like this. DH and I share all our money and always have. If we’re going through a frugal period we budget together and check with each other before any unnecessary expenses. And the higher earner never gives the lower earner a hard time (we’ve both been higher/lower/not earning at all over the course of our relationship). So I would find this approach to money utterly miserable and wouldn’t want to be in such a relationship in the first place.

Go on holiday with someone else.

but now seeing how he spends, I’d go ballistic if he was spending my money on takeaways.

i wouldn’t mind but im the lower earner by £200 a month and i pay £100 less on bills a month… its not by some sort of crazy margin.

i actually feel like he can’t be trusted with money and short of making his salary be paid into my account and handing him a daily allowance I can’t think of how to fix his ridiculous attitude

It isnt just his poor attitude towards money, it is his awful attitude towards you that is marriage ending.

I would but then I’d be paying for a holiday for me and our 2 kids solo whilst he stayed at home and they were upset daddy got left behind.

if it was just me, it would be a girls trip but these are family holidays

To me it would be the secretive nature of it that would upset me. For you not to realise he is having a daily takeaway, he is hiding the packaging/cleaning up after it well, as well as binning the food. I don't know if it would be marriage ending for me - but it would definitely be marriage changing.

Also £15 is a lot of money for a daytime takeaway (as in it isn't a standard McDonald's meal or a Subway sandwich) so it would make me think he is eating a lot and there is some sort of addiction/eating disorder here that he needs to address. The 'I'm going to die soon" attitude makes it sound like this is an issue too.

Let me guess - you both work full time but you do the cooking and I bet you do his washing.

i mean he’s awful.

But why have you set you life like this.

Ditch him, get child maintenance and you’ll have a better life

It’s the delivery charge, that in and as of itself is a £5 (i know because it always puts me off). He’s getting different types of food, it’s more on the ‘healthy side’ so grilled meat, rice and a greek salad. I don’t check the rubbish so I wouldn’t say he’s hiding it. Other times he’s met up with a mate for a pub lunch.

the I’m going to die young attitude he says he’s always had that feeling so he wants to enjoy his life whilst he’s still here, super hurtful as his father died young, when some of his siblings were in their teens so wishing that upon himself and his children. I’m so so so cross

Hun, I know people say this a lot but fucking divorce babies, divorce

What kind of man behaves like this?? Certainly not a man worthy of being a husband.

And he's the father to your children? Separate and take what you need for the kids in the divorce court.

What is the literal point in being married at this point??

I'm disgusted for you, and no woman deserves to be treated this way. Can't wait for you to wake up and see your worth x

No I don’t do the washing (in general) nor the washing up, ironing, bins, daily tidying or school runs.

i do 90% of the cooking and I find it very grating his attitude.

i get that on paper ltb is straightforward, but financially I cannot survive without him especially as custody would be joint so I’d not be entitled to CM

My DH and I have completely separate finances, we share holidays and shopping. Everything else is the responsibility of one of us and we "bill" each other for the other half of the rent and so on. In large part we do this so that we don't have to be accountable to each other for what we spend. But even with this understanding, I would hit the fucking roof. How dare he blame you, when he knows he's squandering all that money?

@Ohforgodssake123 you are right to be upset and angry and are no doubt in shock. His attitude to you is not on but what you need to do right this minute is calm yourself down and get some sleep. No good will come of making rash decisions when you are in such a state of mental chaos. Avoid having any further conversations about this with him until you have calmed and ordered your thoughts.

If his response of turning this back on you and taking no responsibility is typical of his behaviour then there is not much to be done. However if tomorrow he’s thought about it, apologises and admits he is in the wrong then you have something to work with. Often when people are caught out they lie or deflect to minimise their culpability. It’s a very unattractive response and not the most mature but is common when someone feels trapped or embarrassed by their actions. It in no way excuses what he’s done or said but his behaviour going forward should be what dictates the future of your relationship.

Binning your food is absolutely disgusting, how disrespectful to you and what a waste of food and money.

I couldn't be with someone so rude and selfish.

My ex was exactly the same, we paid I think around 48% me, 52% him to all bills, I earned half the amount of money he did (both worked FT), and paid about £80 a month less towards bills. I also did everything at home, he didn’t lift a finger.

He spent all his money on clothes, every month he spent £150-£400 (yes, a month) on clothing but somehow the reason he was always skint was because I wasn’t contributing enough financially.

Note I said ex. He won’t change, all he’ll have it in his mind now that it’s your fault he has no money. He’ll probably also significantly overstate his contributions as well.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this op. To call this behaviour disappointing is an understatement. Why isn’t he saving this money for his children?

Putting his entitled, selfish, extravagance to one side, it’s the complaining, then the lying and the blaming of you that is unforgivable and it would be a complete turn off for me. How dare he try and turn this around on you?

He’s not on your team op I’m sorry to say and you are totally justified in feeling massively pissed off.

It’s totally pathetic for a man not to be able to make himself lunch anyway and to waste so much money, and then when found out, to become a victim and say “I will be dead soon”. Is he five?

I mean, maybe talk to him and check that there isn’t a serious food disorder going on, and obviously if there is, he needs to commit to getting it sorted. But even so, that doesn’t explain or justify his negativity and blaming of you.

If an eating disorder is ruled out, I would be asking for him to move out for a while so you can consider your position. This is about so much more than food and money; it’s about fundamental trust and working together for the good of your marriage and your dc. He’s betrayed all of it!

Sounds like one of those radicalised, misogynistic men who think all women are gold diggers, even though they've got no gold to dig. He sounds insecure and lame. It's one thing to complain about having no money, that could've been sorted by sitting down and looking at his outgoings together. But to blame it on you?! That screams that he's got a nasty mindset. Men who are secure in themselves do not do this to their wives.
Yes, divorce worthy. Get yourself an actual grown man who doesn't blame you for his problems.

Same but it was gambling. He out earned me but I paid for my mat leave, all house jobs etc. Funnily enough the pyscho ex before me took him to mediation and got more out of their house than him. A pattern maybe?

Sorry you're in this situation OP, I'd be furious too - a) because he's been blaming you for his money not lasting the month when he's to blame, and (b) because you're up late three nights per week cooking something for his lunch the next day which he throws in the bin to buy a takeaway or pub lunch - more waste of money!
If he genuinely believes he's going to die young (because his father did) then that's even more reason to save for his children's future and stop squandering his money. If he can't see this, then he's a lost cause.

I cannot believe that you - and others - are advising her to dump her marriage over a takeaway habit!

The habit isn't ideal but it's something that can be worked through!

This is about so much more than ordering takeaway!

He is a selfish mean disrespectful man.
You seem stuck with him because of finances.
Stop doing anything for him and stop the cooking.
He clearly cares little for his children.
You need to make a long term plan.

If he’s eating that much takeaway he’s probably not wrong about dying young

No idea what to suggest op, I couldn’t be with him blaming me for all his financial problems while taking no responsibility for wasting so much money

£300 is such a piddling amount, sounds like one or both of you need better jobs, this isn’t really about takeaway food or you trying to steal his money, it’s about struggling to make ends meet.