To think this is marriage ending

[Ohforgodssake123]

sorry I’m cross posting because I’m actually desperate for advice / someone to calm me down.

Dh always always moans about having no money at the mid point/ end of the month, has to be super frugal to make it through. Claiming it’s because I don’t pay my fair share of the bills. I pay a proportional amount as I earn less (55%45%). After moaning and blaming me, saying we can’t afford to go on holiday and how I need to get these holiday ideas out of my head because I’m spending ‘all his money’. This went on a while, I crack and demand to see what he’s spending it on as he takes home £300 more than me, and I’ve got a fair amount left and I just spent £100 on kids clothes and £175 on insurance excess and saved £500. (What kicked this off was a holiday I’ve been eyeing up and his share of the excess and expenses he can’t pay) He protests, and eventually gives in.
half expecting to see gambling after I see he’s only got £300 left (pay day was mid month). He’s owed £100 in business expenses. But what do I see, £250 in takeaways. Not evening take aways (there were some, after I’ve cooked and he’s decided he didn’t like it so ordered more food after the kids went to bed) but lunchtime takeaways. He’s been ordering himself A takeaway every lunch time, £15+ a pop. I work in an office so I’ve not seen this and I cook extra food at night for lunch the next day and he’s been binning it!
im fuming that a) he’s blamed me for having no cash and b) he’s so financially irresponsible. He is also the man that refused to save for his children because he doesn’t have any money!
when I’ve grilled him and tbh had a go at him, he’s said it’s his money and I’m being controlling so I can spend it all. I never ask him for a penny, nor does he buy me gifts or treats (just a box of chocolate and a cake for birthday and a Moonpig card, no anniversary, Xmas or anything else) none of which I care about to say it’s me! He then flipped and said ‘ i won’t be living long anyway, soon I’ll be dead and you can spend all my money then’. What money?! Then how he wants to spend his money, and he’s earned it etc.
am I over reacting? Am I being controlling? I don’t mind treating yourself but surely this is excessive and lazy! 3 nights a week I have to cook dinner for the next day before bed, I’m up til 11pm doing it, when it’s his turn he can’t be arsed to a takeaway and bam £40 gone.
All I want is to live a comfortable life and provide for our children and save for a rainy day, retirement and making memories but here he is just pissing it away and I’m having to make up the short fall.
im so so cross. Im actually thinking that such different attitudes to money and savings can be marriage ending.

Yanbu OP. His attitude won't improve. My sister was married to one like this. He just slowly got worse and more controlling

Op said that her dh is “always” short at the end of the month so it sounds like it’s an ongoing situation.

And £250 or £300 a month adds up to a lot over a prolonged period of time. Especially if you are telling your wife you can’t afford to take your dc on holiday.

And it’s not just about the money. It’s about responsibility and trust. And trying to gas-light your wife!

It's not the takeaways, it's the constant disrespect and whinging over finances

What kind of husband behaves like this?? He's acting like he's single and views his wife and kids as a drain on his life instead of the privilege that they are

Op can do better by herself, sorry

Go on holiday without him. If that's the way he wants to play it, it's your money to do that with. No harm in going with a friend, I'm sure DC's can cope without him for a few days, it's a better option than no holiday at all.
Stop making and buying any food for him - pointless if he's not eating it anyway. Then you can save the money you have been wasting on feeding him and put it towards the cost of your DC's hol.
Leaving him at home possibly upsetting DC's as a reason not to go without him, makes less sense when it's compared to splitting up and them not seeing him.
Getting left at home may hammer the point home to him too, preventing a split.

To be clear, I'm talking about his misguided attitude that he is funding everything and overlooks your contributions.

He won't change.

I am getting my ducks in a row so that I can leave mine in the next 12 months for hiding financial abuse.

It's really really sad but it is life changing and I cannot trust him at all.

Is it not about his having a selfish spending habit, only on himself, then expecting op to provide for the family costs, and then lying and blaming op?

He earns £57k a year and I earn £52k

You are clearly earning decent salaries but I appreciate mortgage payments and rents are so expensive now.
Spending that on takeaways every lunch and sometimes of an evening is really, really selfish. He may have a compulsion but it needs dealing with.
This attitude about money, that you are trying to take it from him, is abusive.
I couldn’t live with it. He sounds miserable to be around, at the very least save up and take your DC on a little holiday on your own.
And the attitude around dying young? Sounds like he uses it as an excuse.

On those wages you definitely should be able to afford to have a family holiday.

If he just cut out the lunch time takeaways then he would have £3,600 to contribute.

It's nice to treat yourself now and again, but things like daily lunches out or takeaway really add up. We are saving for a holiday in Japan in a couple of years so are putting away a bit extra each month. We have agreed that Friday is our treat lunch day at work - even then it is modest. I generally get lunch in our work canteen and Mr Monkey treats himself to an M&S meal deal.

This is exactly my point!

he saves but only 10% of his salary and then a small amount for the kids. I wanted to double it but he said he can’t afford it but he clearly can. My point is why piss £250 away when you could spend the £50 on treats and save the £200 and be saving close to 20% of your salary a month

last year I forced him to start saving too. I had to make him open a regular saver and set up a direct debit. Before that he was just relying on his bonus, 50% would get spent likely on his half of the holiday and then he’d save the rest

This isn’t a partnership. He isn’t your partner. This isn’t what a partnership is op. I don’t see how you can go for the rest of your days with someone like this… there’s several problems here- spending habits, lack of trust, lack of transparency, resentment, lack of combined commitment… I’m not sure it’s salvageable without serious changes on his part. Which frankly, it doesn’t sound like he wants to make. It sounds like he has already left the marriage and mentally is not invested at all in it. Do you want that marriage? I’d be thinking about seeking legal advice and finding out where you stand. best of luck x

I once read that children of parents who die young frequently have the feeling that they too will die young, and that it only goes away when they get past the stage their parent was when they died (which could be the age the parent reached, or when your kids reach the age he was when his dad died). So that is normal, albeit he may need some therapy.

The takeaways every day is excessive of ot is leaving him with no money - albeit the occasional sushi platter or grilled meat once or twice a week wouldn't bother me. A suggestion could be that he chooses a treat day, and you don't make extra food for his lunch that day.

What would very much bother me is the secrecy/lying about it, plus blaming you for his lack of funds.

our mortgage increased by £550 a month. Luckily it’s still only 20% of our salary but we can’t afford overpayments right now. When our youngest is on 30 hrs we can make them, if he doesn’t piss it away

I don’t think he’s emotionally checked out of the marriage.

to really analyse his behaviour, he’s come from a family with no money, I’m talking poverty line so now he has some, he struggles to be disciplined with it, it’s the making up for lost time mentality, where comparatively I was fairly wealthy and have always been instilled with the ‘ prepare for the worst financial scenario, then everything will be ok’

That is a considerable amount to pay on top of your existing amount.
I honestly feel for you. All of that budgeting and food prep and he’s throwing good food in bins?

It is, but in some ways we were really lucky, we could absorb it and still save and have a personal allowance, apparently only mine has gotten less as I put the emphasis on necessary or really wanted purchases in favour of savings. We also re fixed when rates dipped a bit, so we’re on 4. Something rather than the close to 6 we initially we quoted

If he is saying you are spending HIS money (you earn 5k difference annually) he is not emotionally invested in the marriage. That’s a statement loaded in resentment and division. Marriage is a partnership. That attitude is not one of a partner who is in your team and who is happy to be in your team. How on earth would you both manage at 90 if you were in a care home, funded by yourself (your joint household..) ; would he resent paying for you then?? I can see this being hugely problematic if you stay married and he makes no changes in his mindset. Honestly I don’t think the things he is saying are things someone who is happily married says. He sounds bitter and resentful. Maybe his bar is very low but it’s a crap attitude to a partnership and is benefiting no one. You deserve a real partner who supports you and reaches for life with you.

This is controversial but I don’t believe you come off any better in this.

you have decided to split finances for whatever reason. He saves some and spends an amount on takeaway. His choice.

Hes saying he wants to enjoy life in case he dies young and you have said this is manipulation despite him having trauma from a parents death!? (It’s not all about you)

You are saying because you don’t agree with his (wasteful but not god awful) spending choices so have mentioned HIS money going into your account and giving him a personal allowance.

So you have split finances then “had a go” at him for him buying himself food?

This reeks of control from your side.

I guess for people who weren’t so keen on takeaways and holidays, that income could seem doable? How many kids do you have to support? 109k may be plenty for someone with a child and two adults, but not much for 3 children/two adults. COL is out of control, but suspect you need to look at the root of this disagreement, not the cause. 57k = £3,572 per month and 52k = £3,330 - on the face of it you earn a very similar take home wage.

What a Prince!

He's a selfish man child. You'd be better off unburdening yourself.

Pathetic.

He's been caught out and the reaction is to blame you. How charming.

You're both on low salaries for London, he's delusional about money and the need to save for your future.

I've got one like this in terms of financial incontinence, but crucially I didn't marry him and he's completely open about his issues with money management, there's no blame or disrespect.

It's the attitude that's the problem, mainly. Also that if you carry on like this, you save and he wastes his money, then you'll be giving him half in the eventual divorce.

This is not a loving relationship at all. It’s adversarial. You’re supposed to be a team, not me vs you. And he’s awful for binning your food and then ordering takeaways. I knew a man who did this. His wife’s self esteem was in the floor. She was lovely but a doormat type and he obviously loathed her but was too much of a coward to leave, or more likely enjoyed the power trip over her.

Luckily we don’t live in London

Yes. I think this is a fundamental incompatibility. You will always be fighting over money with him, and you will never feel financially secure as a result.

I think a person's approach to money says so much about their approach to life, to coping with adversity, planning for the future, etc. Lots of differences with an OH can be enriching and positive, but I think that differences over money are the exception.