To think this is marriage ending

[Ohforgodssake123]

sorry I’m cross posting because I’m actually desperate for advice / someone to calm me down.

Dh always always moans about having no money at the mid point/ end of the month, has to be super frugal to make it through. Claiming it’s because I don’t pay my fair share of the bills. I pay a proportional amount as I earn less (55%45%). After moaning and blaming me, saying we can’t afford to go on holiday and how I need to get these holiday ideas out of my head because I’m spending ‘all his money’. This went on a while, I crack and demand to see what he’s spending it on as he takes home £300 more than me, and I’ve got a fair amount left and I just spent £100 on kids clothes and £175 on insurance excess and saved £500. (What kicked this off was a holiday I’ve been eyeing up and his share of the excess and expenses he can’t pay) He protests, and eventually gives in.
half expecting to see gambling after I see he’s only got £300 left (pay day was mid month). He’s owed £100 in business expenses. But what do I see, £250 in takeaways. Not evening take aways (there were some, after I’ve cooked and he’s decided he didn’t like it so ordered more food after the kids went to bed) but lunchtime takeaways. He’s been ordering himself A takeaway every lunch time, £15+ a pop. I work in an office so I’ve not seen this and I cook extra food at night for lunch the next day and he’s been binning it!
im fuming that a) he’s blamed me for having no cash and b) he’s so financially irresponsible. He is also the man that refused to save for his children because he doesn’t have any money!
when I’ve grilled him and tbh had a go at him, he’s said it’s his money and I’m being controlling so I can spend it all. I never ask him for a penny, nor does he buy me gifts or treats (just a box of chocolate and a cake for birthday and a Moonpig card, no anniversary, Xmas or anything else) none of which I care about to say it’s me! He then flipped and said ‘ i won’t be living long anyway, soon I’ll be dead and you can spend all my money then’. What money?! Then how he wants to spend his money, and he’s earned it etc.
am I over reacting? Am I being controlling? I don’t mind treating yourself but surely this is excessive and lazy! 3 nights a week I have to cook dinner for the next day before bed, I’m up til 11pm doing it, when it’s his turn he can’t be arsed to a takeaway and bam £40 gone.
All I want is to live a comfortable life and provide for our children and save for a rainy day, retirement and making memories but here he is just pissing it away and I’m having to make up the short fall.
im so so cross. Im actually thinking that such different attitudes to money and savings can be marriage ending.

It’s is not the guys fault that his partner earns less than him. That’s on her.
If takeaways represent worth to him, that is not for anyone else to say he is wrong. That what he spends his money on isn’t worthy. We all have agency and choice and if I want to spend £1k a month on Maynard’s wine gums, I have the agency and right to do that.

OP needs to start respecting him and his choices as an individual that he is entitled to make. If she wants to complain about not having enough ££ for a holiday, she should do better and get a better job which pays more.

Awful post and awful responses.

the only awful response is yours.

i should get a better job? Yet im the one who is ok for money? Have you been day drinking?

if you want to spend £1k on gummies then yeah cool do you, you’re a fool but do you, but that logic stack only works if you’re a single person with no financial dependents and are still financially secure in yourself (ie enough provisions to support yourself if your gummy fund disappears) it is not fair play when someone else has to subsidise you or if it is at the expense of your family’s financial security and your children’s university fund!

If you were ok for money, you could straight away go on a holiday that you’re supposedly saving for.
Telling your partner he can’t spend HIS own money on takeaways because it’s value-less, is like telling someone they can’t gift to charity in their will because it’s a waste. The only person who gets to decide what’s worth spending his money on is him. Plus it’s just a couple hundred on takeaways which doesn’t seem so bad really.
Now I would see things differently if your partner was wasting all his wage on video games whilst your children have no food or clothes, but that’s not what is happening here at all.
Don’t be so controlling.

I thought you were my dh for a bit, but he’s not on his phone rn, so you must be a troll.

what sort of crazy logic is that? If you were so financially secure you wouldn’t have to save? That’s utter nonsense. I can go on holiday but im not subsidising him, and I don’t particularly want to solo parent abroad with 2 very young children. He can afford a holiday, but one affords holidays or general large purchases by saving.

the takeaway habit is also cumulative, yeah maybe £250 as a one off isn’t that bad, but over a year, let’s say it’s £200, that’s £2400 a year! That’s an entire holiday itself!

"Awful post and awful responses." Yes, yours are.

You haven't grasped the facts of the matter at all. Even though OP earns less than her DP, she isn't running out of money mid-month despite contributing a proportional amount of her salary to the family's finances - he is - because he hasn't understood that when you become a father you have to grow up and put your family's needs ahead of your own selfish wants. Even worse, he's been gas-lighting her, blaming her for his running out of money whilst knowing he was wasting money on expensive takeaways and resisting revealing this to her. No doubt he'll be complaining in his old age that he doesn't have enough to live on, but that's what happens when you spend £250pm on takeaways instead of boosting your pension pot.

I guess selfish people just make lousy partners and parents, but yeah, you carry on defending him at OP's expense - literally. 🙄

It’s not “indefensible”. It’s looking at it from a different perspective, if you’d believe these exist!

Telling someone how they should deal with their trauma is incredibly narrow minded. Lots of people would do lots of different things with their parents premature death in mind.

I hated holidays when I was a certain age. Just because she wants to go doesn’t mean he sees it as a good use of his money. He might believe that for a week away which will come and go and come with its own stresses, he would rather have delicious food every day!

Him complaining about her not having enough money is stupid. As is throwing away perfectly good food. No defending it. Don’t care to pretend he’s not an arsehole.

Somewhere between 1 right and 1 wrong person is 2 people who have acted rubbishly

He's shown you who he is, believe him.
If you can't get on board financially you won't last. Resentment will grow.

my apologies, I assumed you would want varied perspectives and not just a chorus of agreement!

He does sound awful. My partner and I earned about the same when we got together but since kids, I have earned far less as I have taken on the brunt of childcare(goes away for months with work). As far as we are concerned, we both earn all the money as he couldn't do his job if I hadn't taken on a lower paying one in order to look after the kids.
That's what partnership should look like. He is treating you terribly and I would have to seriously consider whether I could stay with someone like this. I hope things improve for you xx

But his takeaways pre date his dad’s death. They also were not close. It’s not a coping mechanism, you’re putting that on him and projecting your thoughts onto him

he loves holidays but claims I spend all his money

Honestly, did he ever shown any love, care or commitment to you
what is even the point

of course he’s not evil just infuriating.

I've seen this so many times on MN now, OP. People creating their own narrative to defend their opinion. They can't just accept the facts as stated and give their "perspective" on the situation as described. It's weird.
If your partner was genuinely concerned about dying young like his father, he'd be saving £250pm to spend on a Well Man check and other tests to establish the likelihood of his "inheritability" of the condition that caused his father to die too young. ( And I'm guessing if you'd discovered this was the reason for him coming up short each month, you would be entirely understanding of it. 😊)

How much does he pay towards the childrens clothes, shoes etc ?

This will vary depending on month of course, it’s even though I’d say. His habit though and I think it’s a bad one, is klarna and spreading the cost or putting it on a credit card when you can pay outright… I think this is how debt starts for a lot of people

yes, he had debt before, which I helped him clear. Those circumstances I have some sympathy for because he had too much on his back from a young age, but he was frivolous which made it worse

Exactly this! If he had £100 left to his name but needed a root canal and crown at £850 then yeah I’d get it, likewise as you said a health MOT or some genetic testing but lining justeats pocket… no. Lol

Please tell me you’re not going to get divorced over this? Ask him to stick to one or two take aways a week each and set up a joint savings account for holidays ? Unless there’s something more serious that’s happening maybe try that before you become a single parent , upset the kids and have to do and pay for everything on your own ?

Yes, I think this is the heart of yours and DP's problems, OP - it's not about the money per se, but about your different attitudes to money management (and his refusal to accept responsibility when he's not done the right thing). He's a "spend today and don't worry about tomorrow" kind of person, whereas you're a "save for a rainy day" (or a holiday! 😂) kind of person. These wildly differing views and habits in an intimate relationship are hard nuts to crack if he can't accept that you have better money management skills than him - or want to improve his own.
Is it impossible to have a grown-up conversation with him about this at all, OP, so you could come up with a better plan than you have now? If it would descend into a row, would he agree to go to family mediation so a mediator can keep the discussions between you calm and productive? Just a thought .....

Takeaways are an utter waste of money and if he's having one every day for lunch then he probably will drop dead soon tbf. But if he's ordering them because he doesn't like the food you're leaving in the fridge for him, then why do you keep doing it? Notwithstanding some of the earlier comments, I don't think you're on a low household income, so surely you/he could afford to buy lunch food that he does like and will eat? I think his reaction to your shock at where all the money is going was pretty shit but surely the takeaways don't in themselves have to be a marriage-ender with a bit of discussion and compromise?

How much you spend and how much you save, and how you get beyond childhood experiences of money is a separate issue imo.

Oh yeah takeaways aren’t the marriage ender it was the underlying attitude that can’t be discussed without it turning utterly ridiculous and then fundamentally really selfish behaviour and melodrama from him.

i can cook food he likes, but he needs to articulate what that is. He likes spicey food, so things like curries and spicey marinaded meat (that sort of thing) aka things my children hate. So I have to find a middle ground. Plus I’m not time rich to do it. The lunch stuff, that’s not really big deal, I’m chopping a salad for myself, make extra and put in the fridge for him, jacket potato etc, do one extra.

i spoke to him and a PP basically mentioned putting more into the joint account. So I’ve shown him how much he needs to put into the joint account for bills and all our expenses and kids savings, after that he’s left with about £1200 disposable income. So I’ve said right, save 50% of that. So you’re left with £600 discretionary income and work that’s clothes, treats, gifts for the kids, advice clothes for the kids and aim to spend £500 of that and the extra £100 goes toward a sinking fund.

and I’ll do broadly the same.

he was amenable to that idea protested at first about having to move a Dd over

How do you feel about this overall OP?

In my experience, when you are done, you know that you are done. It's a sort of revelatory experience where you go from how you were, to knowing that all of that is in the past, you can't see him or the relationship the same way and your mind closes off to everything but a future without him and how you will navigate that.

Sometimes this comes as a bolt and sometimes it takes a few days.

So that sounds like progress then, OP, and if so, good news! 😃I'm guessing you'll be keeping an eye on things to ensure he doesn't fall back into old habits though .....? 😉

Good update.

Is he not just crap at budgeting and not realising how it all adds up? I had a moment of realisation recently that I’m spending way too much on coffees and meal deals, and little things for myself and DS, adding up to at least £100pcm each month

To be honest I'd want to dump him to spite him. It will cost him a small fortune to wine, dine and seduce another woman who will put up with that nonsense.

He's destined to be a grumpy old man or a bachelor. Bachelor would be less miserable for you and you'd save the best years of your life if you cut and run now.

A simple choice for him to shape up or ship out.