To think this is marriage ending

[Ohforgodssake123]

sorry I’m cross posting because I’m actually desperate for advice / someone to calm me down.

Dh always always moans about having no money at the mid point/ end of the month, has to be super frugal to make it through. Claiming it’s because I don’t pay my fair share of the bills. I pay a proportional amount as I earn less (55%45%). After moaning and blaming me, saying we can’t afford to go on holiday and how I need to get these holiday ideas out of my head because I’m spending ‘all his money’. This went on a while, I crack and demand to see what he’s spending it on as he takes home £300 more than me, and I’ve got a fair amount left and I just spent £100 on kids clothes and £175 on insurance excess and saved £500. (What kicked this off was a holiday I’ve been eyeing up and his share of the excess and expenses he can’t pay) He protests, and eventually gives in.
half expecting to see gambling after I see he’s only got £300 left (pay day was mid month). He’s owed £100 in business expenses. But what do I see, £250 in takeaways. Not evening take aways (there were some, after I’ve cooked and he’s decided he didn’t like it so ordered more food after the kids went to bed) but lunchtime takeaways. He’s been ordering himself A takeaway every lunch time, £15+ a pop. I work in an office so I’ve not seen this and I cook extra food at night for lunch the next day and he’s been binning it!
im fuming that a) he’s blamed me for having no cash and b) he’s so financially irresponsible. He is also the man that refused to save for his children because he doesn’t have any money!
when I’ve grilled him and tbh had a go at him, he’s said it’s his money and I’m being controlling so I can spend it all. I never ask him for a penny, nor does he buy me gifts or treats (just a box of chocolate and a cake for birthday and a Moonpig card, no anniversary, Xmas or anything else) none of which I care about to say it’s me! He then flipped and said ‘ i won’t be living long anyway, soon I’ll be dead and you can spend all my money then’. What money?! Then how he wants to spend his money, and he’s earned it etc.
am I over reacting? Am I being controlling? I don’t mind treating yourself but surely this is excessive and lazy! 3 nights a week I have to cook dinner for the next day before bed, I’m up til 11pm doing it, when it’s his turn he can’t be arsed to a takeaway and bam £40 gone.
All I want is to live a comfortable life and provide for our children and save for a rainy day, retirement and making memories but here he is just pissing it away and I’m having to make up the short fall.
im so so cross. Im actually thinking that such different attitudes to money and savings can be marriage ending.

All couples approach money differently and that’s okay, but surely it needs to work for the whole family.

Could you both put aside money for the holidays each month, in a joint savings account? Same for things like kids clothes etc. That way, whatever’s left after all your joint expenses are covered can be spent on whatever he wants and it won’t affect you or the kids?

Is he doing the majority of the stuff around the house, would you say? I know you said you do the cooking but it sounds like he’s doing most other stuff? Unless I’ve misread.

YANBU.

You are also not being financially controlling either. There is sticking to a budget and blowing the budget. You are sticking to your budget while he is blowing his budget and not having enough money for the month.

He needs to learn the value of money. Unfortunately I doubt that will be something that he can do while you're still with him.

The ball is firmly in his court at this stage - he can either stop being a sniffly 'single man vibes' grumpy arse or he can shape up and budget appropriately for each month and have more money to his name. This is his choice and if he doesn't stick to a budget, you're gone.

I think you’re overreacting. You can’t police him on what he spends his money on, it’s his money. It’s also just delicious food he’s buying, not cocaine or prostitutes. Bringing a packed lunch is never as good. You pay £100 less than him, so I think £100 on takeaways is his ok. Or more, he can do whatever he wants with his money.

The bit that got me hete was, hecwants to enjoy his life while he's still here. While denying his wife and children holidays. His kids will grow up thinking family holidays are a rare treat, while he's "enjoying his life" ....doing takeaways!

It sounds like you are subsidising him financially. (He should be contributing to the costs of children's clothes, for example.) So how much better off would you be if you didn't have him to feed?

You say you split 'the bills but mention children's clothes separately, who pays for your children's expenses? Are they split as the same ratio? If not then he isn't paying more than you, he isn't supporting his children!
And yes, I can't see how you could live with someone who is both useless with money but mainly because his attitude is you are grasping and he is hard done by.

I do most of the cooking and cleaning, but ironing, washing up and tidying he does and school runs because he wfh

They tend to be split 50/50 likewise with childcare

So he’s working from home and ordering a takeaway every lunchtime when he’s a few steps away from the kitchen?
By the sounds of it he does a fair but of household stuff as he should, but do you think he resents you for bring out of the house? He seems very angry.

His choice what he chooses to spend his personal money on. It's a waste of money to you but not to him.

I suggest you set up a holiday funds account. He pays half the kids estimated costs for holidays and he goes along if he's saved his own costs. Problem solved albeit you'll be solo parenting for the trip.

All that said, there's a reason that money splits up many marriages. If you can't reach a suitable accommodation on expenses, planning for the future and the rest then you are probably better off out with a clean break while you can ring fence your finances and protect yourself in the future through a legal arrangement.

Are you my dh?

This is all I want really!!

rainy day savings which he does, hols savings and then a personal allowance that he can spend as he chooses. But atm it’s 2 out of 3 according to him not 3 out of 3 which is so so silly.

by contrast our bills all in (inc childcare) as £3600 no more than £4k a month meaning we’ve got more than 2k disposable income. It’s utterly foolish to be left with £300 when you take home £3.5k and you pay max £2k in bills

One thing is for sure - he doesn't see your marriage as being in a team.

Did you actually read OP's opening post?

A summary:

• She wants to do nice things, as a family, like go on holiday.
• She earns less than him, but pays her way wrt the household expenses and manages her money well.
• He runs out of money between pay days and blames her for not contributing enough (untrue, she's paying a proportionate share based on her lower salary - 45% v his 55%)
• She cracked (knowing she isn't to blame) and demanded to see his finances only to discover he's been spending £250pm on takeaways and pub lunches (and to add insult to injury, he's been throwing away the food she's prepared for him the night before for his lunch the next day and ordering a takeaway or going out to the pub instead!).

And you don't believe she "comes off any better in this"? How exactly? Because you've characterised her as "controlling"? If he wasn't being a misogynistic a-hole, claiming she's not contributing enough and she's spending "all his money" she wouldn't have demanded to see his finances.

It's clear from OP's posts that she doesn't think it is all about her. She clearly thinks it's about the family they created and the nice things they could have as a family (like a holiday) if he wasn't being a financially irresponsible partner and father. Note: She can afford to pay her share for a family holiday, but he can't meet his contribution because he's busy stuffing his face with unnecessary takeaways.

Finally, if he genuinely believes he's going to die young because his father did (no guarantee of this) then the responsible thing to do would be to make family memories while he can and leave OP and his children well-provided for.

Your post isn't "controversial" - it's indefensible.

I don’t think the takeaways are the issue (although I’d lose respect for a man who ordered a salad everyday when he’s standing next to the kitchen). The issue is lying, letting you cook for him and secretly binning it, then reacting to you with “I’m going to die” bobbins.

If you’re considering this might be marriage ending, I’m guessing there are other issues.

Maybe you simply have to make him miss out by going away without him and having a good time. Because if he loves you and his kids that's going to smart when the photos start coming in on WhatsApp and they've built sandcastles, and collected shells and all that stuff without him. You'll only have a few years before they'll spend all their holidays talking to friends back home in a dark room anyway 😂

I wonder how much pension savings he would need to spend £300 a month on takeaway lunches?

Brilliant advice
OP's husband's current attitude is emotionally manipulative and a form of gaslighting

I pack my DH a lunch every day when he goes to work. I make extra food at meals so we have leftovers to take for lunch, and I heat his up and put it in a flask for him. I do this because every day he thanks me for his lunch and tells me it was lovely and he regularly tells me how much he appreciates my cooking and making him lunch. If I went to that effort and he was throwing it in the bin and buying takeaway...yes. It would be marriage ending. Because it's so disgustingly disrespectful and careless of your effort. Not to mention wasteful of family money. Ugh. He sounds awful.

Thank you! You get me!

Did you miss the bit where he complains about running out of money and blames the OP for spending 'his' money?

" i won’t be living long anyway, soon I’ll be dead and you can spend all my money then’."

WTF ??

I can't believe he's been taking the cooked lunch food and throwing it out. That would piss me off so much.

This.

This would annoy me so much I would never be able to let go what he said.

What a dick.

Or just leaving it in the fridge at the back to go bad…

that’s what gets me too, it’s food he doesn’t like. He moans he doesn’t like the food here but I’m beholden to what I can cook in an evening and my kids will eat plus if he doesn’t like it I’m more than willing to try new recipes but he can find them and trial them with the kids

One thing to do would be to increase the proportion of money going into the joint account and save from there. He can then spend his residue on whatever he wants without you complaining.

We have a house account for shared expenses and a fun account for holidays, eating out and other treats, which seems to work. We tweak the amounts if our spending doesn't match.

If he won't agree to something so reasonable, you have deeper problems.