Aibu to feel hurt and put 0 effort in

[Farfromhome9]

Okay so I moved approx 4 hours away from home to go to uni, met partner, now live together and have a baby (6years together).
in those 6 years my SIL had two kids- I took time off work to help (at her request- cooking, cleaning, helping with the toddler when new baby came, running errands, and did her a surprise virtual baby shower in covid. MIL has the 2 kids (now 5 and 3) 3x days a week while SIL works, does their washing and ironing, will take a bag of food shop once a week and any other bits the kids need.

didnt have an issue with any of this until I had my own baby (6m). MIL has visited once, for half an hour, SIL not at all. They were over an hour late to my baby shower and did nothing to help and didn’t speak to/engage with anyone- to the point my mum and sisters asked why they don’t like us. MIL literally lives a street away. SIL visits the area 3x weekly but only lives a 15 min drive away. My baby doesn’t sleep, I have no money, and he’s a Velcro baby so won’t be put down. They know all this and how we’re struggling and haven’t once offered to help. Even like a meal prep once would be so helpful? Or dropping off nappies when my partner was away.
my family have visited and helped more despite being so far away. I’ve invited them to events, milestones, food, walks, coffee- nothing.
every time I bring up with partner he says not to slag off his fam- but AIBU to feel hurt and like they don’t like me? No longer cba to put any effort in with them at all

Have you asked them to help? Maybe they don’t want to over step

I would message them and ask for some help. They may not want to overstep and think you would prefer your family there. I say this as my own mil felt I would go to my mum over her for help but really I wanted both of them.

Why is your p working away and you have no money? Maybe they think he is supporting you better than he is?

Well I guess you have nothing to lose by asking them for some support and see what happens. Sounds like you did more than most people would bother to do for a SIL tbh, so maybe you have unrealistic expectations. But if your in-laws ignore a more direct request then you know for sure they are the arseholes!

Start asking for help. Tell them you’re finding things difficult

Ask them to help
Be specific.
If they don't - realise they think you are their servant and they see no value in you and your kids. And then Stop seeing them unless you really have to.
And then live the rest of your life spending time with the family that really matter to you....

But ask the in laws for help first. To see what happens.

It's sad. But not uncommon.

Good luck.

OP, these posts come up on here all the time. Someone goes to insane lengths to help someone else, to their own detriment, taking time off work to cook, clean, do childcare, throw surprise showers etc etc, and are then surprised and hurt that not only does that person not reciprocate this insane effort, in part because that person already has a couple of children, but doesn’t do anything.

Wjeres your partner in all this?
Has he been communicating with his family?

Are you on matleave or a sahm? Why was your partner away?

Mat leave but I only get stat pay

He’s pretty much covering mortgage and bills, we share food shops and I pay for my car and a couple of house bills, and anything baby needs. Stat mat pay doesn’t stretch far lol

He needs to pay for half the babys things, don't let it start off with you covering all those things, the baby is half his so he needs to pay for them.

I have asked for help- I’ve said some meal preps would be really helpful as baby screams when I put him down and obvs don’t want to cook when holding him
hes started teething, asked MIL to grab some calpol (I’d pay for it, just didn’t want to take him out when he was so upset and in pain) and she said she was going to get her hair done
DC was away for 4 days and I ran out of nappies and had a flat tyre, rang MIL and she said I’d have to go get them as she was tired- my mum Amazon primed me some
I had a migraine and he asked them to come watch baby so I could sleep, they said I could go to them?!
I had to go hospital and didn’t want to take baby (germs) she said she was seeing friends
baby grew out of sleepsuits so I asked her to grab some for me (again I’d pay, baby just hates the car!) and she got me some 2 weeks later- like obvs I have some now I haven’t left him naked for two weeks lol
they offered to do baby shower buffet and get pens for games- on the day admitted done nothing and my partner didn’t tell me so I wouldn’t panic. He sorted it
he just says they’re busy and to stop having a go at them. I think he’s pretty hurt too seeing how much MIL does for his sister and how much effort I put in with SIL. We always just have to visit them.

He would if I asked him- and he gets formula and calpol etc when needed and it’s his food shop turn. He’s just covering mortgage, council tax, water/gas/electric

He works weekdays, and just says ‘we’ll go to them’ on weekends. We never do anything or go anywhere with them (even a walk or park with the kids) which I just find a bit bizarre. He just says ‘I’ll do it’ whenever I say what I need help with, but he’s exhausted too. Think it’s a pride thing idk

That’s where I’m at. I feel exhausted doing everything and if they can’t be arsed travelling a street away to see my pretty amazing kid then it’s their loss. Booked 3 activities that suit all of their interests and invited them for Christmas, but doubt any of them will come (light show, carol choir and meeting Father Christmas for first time). Just really upsets me as my family would love to do those things if they were closer, and we’d go for walks/game nights/Sunday lunch etc all the time ☹️ just makes me feel really lonely and far from home now I’m home all day with bubba

I don’t think I have unrealistic expectations a the odd walk, go the park, do something around the holidays (Easter, Xmas, bdays), MIL being able to drop off an essential in an emergency (calpol, nappies) as she drives past our house 3/4 times a day haha
planned a lunch out- we got it for MIL and SIL last Xmas- they were over an hour late and I was sat at a table on my own just really upset and embarassed

It’s rare he works away- just training events really. But he’d started a new job and had 4 days training when baby was 7 weeks old

Ask them for help with specific things - but bear in mind your SIL has two children and a job, so is not in the same position to offer help that you were.

Also (unfortunately) first grandchildren tend to scoop more energy and support and attention than later ones. You will also find this if you have another child - the first is a big deal and gets showered with gifts, the third is lucky if anyone remembers their name to send a card.

I think it would be a bad idea to fall out with your husband's family over this, but if you feel strongly about it you could start floating the idea of a move closer to your own family "for support".

Consider moving closer to your family. You are obviously a very family focused person and would like active involved relatives close by. You're not going to get that from your partner's side.

Also you need to talk about finances A child is a joint venture. You shouldn't get stiffed with all childcare costs and then it becomes why don't you give up paid work. Nope.

Honestly, I don't think that prepping meals, buying nappies, buying essential clothes, buying medication etc are things I'd expect anyone other than my partner to do. I know it's hard when you have a young baby, but you need to build some resilience and learn to cope. Definitely you need to ensure you have food, nappies, calpol and appropriate sized clothes always in the house.

You've asked your MIL to do things when she's been busy - so she couldn't help. Do you really expect her to cancel hair appointments or plans with friends because you ran out of nappies or didn't buy the next size up sleepsuits in time?

And if you wanted her help, why couldn't you go to her?

Your SIL has her hands full with 2 children and a job. You have one baby and are at home and can't cope, but you seem to think that she, with so much more on her plate, has spare time to help you!

I get you want to see your IL side of the family. So make some arrangements (with notice, not last minute) to do some stuff together. Invite them round for lunch or for a day out.

They don't exist to serve you. They're not here to run errands for you. You, with the support of your partner, need to manage everyday life, including keeping on top of meals/clothes/nappies etc. You can't carry baby round 24/7, you need to get on with life.

Can you go stay with your family for a while? Decide if you would be better off living near them with your baby and not a partner who won't ask his family to help out at all.

Assuming childcare will be all left to you when you go back to work too.

SIL has 2 kids of her own and a job. You’re being unrealistic to think that she has the bandwidth to help you or even much free time for social stuff. You sound lovely to have put so much effort in when she was expecting but taking time off work to clean her house was way above and beyond what’s normal and that level effort is never going to be reciprocated especially not by someone who sounds like they have their hands full with their own family and career.

Also, I don’t mean this to sound harsh but I think some of the things you’re asking for help with a bit odd really, because you can get same or next day delivery for nappies and sleepsuits. I know you said you’d pay but then you’re also saying you’re broke (also not their problem, DP needs to pay for more if you’re short) so maybe MIL thinks you’re trying to hint for her to pay for stuff and isn’t impressed? Or just thinks it’s unnecessary because amazon delivers all this stuff as quick as she would? Then when you did ask her to watch baby she said she would if you came to them, which isn’t exactly refusing to help, and if she had the other kids too makes a lot more sense than her coming to you.

I agree that in an ideal world MIL would want to see LO more but IDK maybe you’ve put her off with the requests to buy stuff for you? Or perhaps it isn’t about you at all and she’s just getting older, knackered from looking after SILs kids, which obviously predates your baby so isn’t personal, and looks forward to her adult only time. Whatever it is, I’d stop putting so much energy and effort into them because it isn’t worth it. Nor is it worth a fall out. Don’t give them the headspace. Prioritise baby groups and making new friends.

The thing that instantly stuck out to me was that you were helping when her second child came along. Having a baby and a toddler isn't comparable to just one newborn, its a whole new level, so she's probably doesn't realise you need help.

Working plus a 3&5yo means she has a lot on her plate, and frankly isn't going to have the spare time to do the chores of anyone else, let alone someone who likely has more spare time than her. I appreciate you probably don't consider yourself time-rich right now, and first babies always come with the challenge of learning the 'job' for the first time, so I'm not saying you have it easy, more to look at it from her perspective.

The lack of interest by in laws and SIL is sad, and I'm very sorry about that. I don't think they should be running nappies down to you because you ran out though, or expecting them to cancel appointments for this.