Aibu to feel hurt and put 0 effort in

[Farfromhome9]

Okay so I moved approx 4 hours away from home to go to uni, met partner, now live together and have a baby (6years together).
in those 6 years my SIL had two kids- I took time off work to help (at her request- cooking, cleaning, helping with the toddler when new baby came, running errands, and did her a surprise virtual baby shower in covid. MIL has the 2 kids (now 5 and 3) 3x days a week while SIL works, does their washing and ironing, will take a bag of food shop once a week and any other bits the kids need.

didnt have an issue with any of this until I had my own baby (6m). MIL has visited once, for half an hour, SIL not at all. They were over an hour late to my baby shower and did nothing to help and didn’t speak to/engage with anyone- to the point my mum and sisters asked why they don’t like us. MIL literally lives a street away. SIL visits the area 3x weekly but only lives a 15 min drive away. My baby doesn’t sleep, I have no money, and he’s a Velcro baby so won’t be put down. They know all this and how we’re struggling and haven’t once offered to help. Even like a meal prep once would be so helpful? Or dropping off nappies when my partner was away.
my family have visited and helped more despite being so far away. I’ve invited them to events, milestones, food, walks, coffee- nothing.
every time I bring up with partner he says not to slag off his fam- but AIBU to feel hurt and like they don’t like me? No longer cba to put any effort in with them at all

If you are in the UK then you are entirely wrong here, there’s absolutely no such thing as “common law wife”. You are either married or you aren’t, if not and the house isn’t yours or joint then he absolutely can kick you out tomorrow

I also pay two bills so would have common law wife status

Sorry to agree with PPs that’s not a thing in the UK. If his name is on the deeds or the tenancy agreement it’s his house, regardless of what bills you’ve paid and yes he could kick you out and no one would legally be able to do anything about it. There are some very very limited cases when you can claim a proprietary interest in the house, but paying a few bills wouldn’t establish this. You’d be able to claim maintenance for your child (incidentally a pittance) but that’s it.

brittontime.com/2023/10/17/does-common-law-marriage-exist-in-england-and-wales/

They sound shit, OP. I do get that it's likely less easy for SIL to reciprocate as a working mum of two than it was for you when she had tiny babies, but to do nothing is awful. And MIL to visit once in 6 months.
Your DH sounds like a decent sort though and I feel for him if he is embarrassed and hurt by their behaviour.
They have shown you who they are and how they value you. So feel free to disengage, build your support network there with friends if moving is not an option. Do make sure you have finances sorted if the house is DH's and you are not married.

No common law wife in the U.K.

Sounds like his family just are not that interested so I’d stop trying.

Must admit we are the side that’s not really wanting to do lots of meet ups for picnics and walks.

We tend to Host one bbq a year, attend family Christmas or new years, though dropping new years permanently even if we don’t do Christmas anymore as this is harsh but it’s boring.

We used to par take in a family holiday once a year and dropped that on its head a couple of years ago as it was just no fun even for the children. Mine are the older children they have no interest in their cousins.

also pay two bills so would have common law wife status and he could t just throw me out!

@Farfromhome9

Ok, I realize I'm adding my voice to the multitude, but be aware that there is no such thing as 'common law spouse' in the UK. I realize that MNers are spread around the world so you may be in a country where CL is recognized. Just be aware that in the UK is it not. Paying towards his house or household bills gets you nothing and protects you from nothing.

If you have any doubts about this, please consult a solicitor. Let the expert tell you the law where you are.

Otherwise, it's good that you're planning for your own future. Even if one is married they should always have 'a little something' set aside for emergencies, be it flood, famine, or a cheating shitbag.

Are you in the UK?

There is no such thing as a 'Common Law Wife'

If you are living in your partner's house then it's his house unless you are on the mortgage or deeds

If it's rented then it all depends on whose name is on the lease.

Marriage is the only legal contract that gives you rights in law (other than a mention in his will)

Thanks everyone for common law wife comments! Booked a meeting with bank and we will both do wills asap
finances are seperate and I trust him tbh, so not really that worried. We will make a joint Acc this week to cover house and baby things. Big things for baby (cot, pram, baby monitor etc) we have split- and if I’m short he’d always cover!

This is all well and good but you only have to look at the threads on here on any given day and you’ll see how many women “trust” these men, and suddenly one day it all changes and they’re left without a home or any rights to anything at all.

There’s a thread on here right now about a women who’s husband is changing his will to just their shared children. No marriage. He dies she gets not a bloody penny and can be kicked out of the house.

She sacrificed her earning potential due to the children and childcare.

Use that thread as a huge warning.

I would take your partner up on all offers of him doing it, and ask him to do more!!

Could you also consider moving nearer to your family?

Shame you can’t move away as this shitty behaviour wouldn’t be so in your face.

Is SIL the golden child and your DP the scapegoat by any chance? The all or nothing dynamic… it’s painful to deal with and you’re not unreasonable to feel hurt. Are they nasty to you when you are together? Drop the rope and focus on your tribe.

The other way round! Dp has always been golden child lol
not nasty, just stand off ish I guess
but yeah I’m done wasting energy

my DP is super family focused, works from home 2 days a week and other days is home 5.10 daily and weekends we spend together so he wouldn’t have time for an affair😅 I can see his accounts and him mine and no unexplained spending. House is now on market and we’re putting an offer on a joint property tomorrow and all solicitors appt etc will be attended together so I know my money is invested safely 😊

This level of neediness is off the scale.

I do t want to be mean to a struggling new mum but in the kindest possible way you have to massively change your expectations.

I would even dream of asking all that of my own mother let alone In-laws!

I've never seen so many demands expected of others in the hundreds if similar threads on Mumsnet over 15 years.

Your baby is your responsibility (and DPs). You plan. You always have spare nappies/spare calpol / spare food in case of emergencies/ sickness. That's just basic parenting.

Are you from a different culture where extended families are more involved in childcare? That's the only explanation I can think of. In western nuclear families the culture is for the mum (increasingly dads, but this is recent) to do all this herself.

Don’t live in someone else’s house when you have no rights to it and gift your fertility and your labour to someone who isn’t bothered to secure your future.

If this relationship breaks down you have uprooted yourself from your natural support/community to try to grow in an inhospitable garden. What do you do if they treat you as a weed, he treats you as a perennial, snd you have had several children? Honestly take a hard look at your financial and social risks vs rewards.

This genuinely makes me laugh. I asked her to watch him for a couple hours while I was in hospital for an emergency, and to pick up 3 bits in a 6 month period (that I would pay for) while she was at the shop anyway and had to drive past us to get home🤣 but that’s not even my issue. She drives a 30-40min round trip 3-4 times a week for SIL and does their washing/ironing, cooks meals twice a week and fills their fridge/cupboard weekly, I asked for calpol when we were both sick😅
my issue is she has visited once and doesn’t give a sh** about my baby🤣

Ok so why are you still expecting her to change?
She won't

If you read the updates, the ‘favours’ asked are by no means excessive/needy/demanding - her mother in law was already at the shop, would be passing her home and asked if they’d mind picking something up. And she isn’t asking about how to change her in laws attitude, but asking if she is right to feel hurt by their actions. I would feel hurt by this. But then I’m lucky to have some family members and friends who are wonderful and we all help each other out where and when we can. I’ll ring my mum if I’m in the supermarket to check if she needs anything picking up, and she often does the same. Yes the baby is hers to look after and it’s not always feasible to ask someone to pitch in. That’s not what she’s done. From her post it seems she’d like to involve her in laws much more and be a closer family and understandably expresses some hurt and confusion as to why her baby, a new grandchild, is being completely overlooked by extended family when they go above and beyond for the other grandchildren. I don’t understand all the negativity but then everyone is different I suppose. I don’t think you’ve overstepped at all, but I would give up on trying to include your in laws as they really don’t seem all that interest in you and your family. And I’d definitely take a step back on helping them out, which I realise might feel difficult if you’re a helpful generous type with your time and effort. I get that it’s not some to be reciprocated but they could be bordering on taking advantage of your kind nature. Seeing your own child being treated vastly different to the other grandchildren hurts, but you and your partner clearly have enough care and love to more than compensate. It’s really not a loss to your child, they can’t miss what they’ve never had. And I agree with other posts, I imagine your partner also feels hurt by this but family loyalty can run deep and he doesn’t want to make their shortcomings ‘real’ by acknowledging them

Thankyou! Thought I was going a bit crazy with some of the other replies.
they couldn’t help, no harm no foul, I’ll get the stuff myself or DP will, just bizarre they couldn’t pick it up
my biggest thing is spending time together, checking in, asking after baby when he’s been sick/been docs and hospital etc? Like you said when they go above and beyond for the other two
my baby is showered with love and is not missing out- they are. Guess I just wanted outside affirmation it was ok to give up trying with them! DP is super laid back and would never cause friction, even if upset and hurt. He’s a great dad though and that’s what matters

That's about 5 favours in 6 months - hardly the moon on a stick.

I completely get where you’re coming from, your little one will not go without, they have all they need with you and your husband, but I understand the sting of feeling they’re being left out. My children rarely see their dad’s side of the family, and it’s sad to see how differently their cousins have been favoured. I will say they are absolutely lovely on the odd occasion they spend any time together, but my two have honestly never seemed bothered about the difference - they’ve always had plenty of love and attention from other family. Do you have friends maybe with children you can do activities with? We always did days out just me, (ex)partner and our child/ren and have some lovely memories, but it is nice to be part of a wider group sometimes too - we close friends while kids were young (mix of boys and girls) and spent so much time together growing up the kids actually called each other cousins. All teens now but still think of each other as extended family even though they don’t see each other anymore. I always felt I had to try to keep family ties going, I’m not one for phrases but sort of the ‘bloods thicker than water’ thinking, but we realised you can choose your family and our friends became our family for days out, weekends away etc. you and your partner sound lovely parents, your little one already has all the family they need, anything else is a bonus

I just can’t get my head round MIL driving past their house several times a day, yet only visiting her grandchild once in the six months of his life. I just don’t get it. I know some GPs have favourite GCs - mine did, and it wasn’t my kids - but this is another level.
I also can’t imagine asking to be paid back for a bottle of Calpol like OP’s MIL. If OP was always asking her to buy stuff that would be fair enough, but that’s very far from being the case.

Thankyou! Yep loads of baby groups and baby friends so he’s deffo very lucky! And when we go home he’s showered with attention and love and activities
just makes me a bit resentful that we are here and they don’t care, my family would give an arm and leg to go for a walk, to play centre, pop over for a cuppa! But he’s loved and it’s only them missing out

Blows my mind too. I bundled bubba up, necked some painkillers and walked to the shop(about 5 doors down admittedly, but we felt ROUGH), and she was in there buying a bottle of wine 🤣 her car was parked 2 houses from our front door🫠 haven’t asked for anything since, I was SEETHING

@Farfromhome9

House is now on market and we’re putting an offer on a joint property tomorrow and all solicitors appt etc will be attended together so I know my money is invested safely

It is widely advised that an unmarried person should seek independent legal advice before you accept and sign anything for a joint purchase. An attorney working for both of you is just concerned that whatever agreement drafted is legal. They aren't concerned with whether or not it's fair. See a joint attorney to get the ball rolling. But take any documents for separate legal advice before you sign. If he is selling a house to purchase this new home, especially if he's putting in a larger amount down than you are, both of you should have independent advice to be sure that things are equitable in the event of a break up. Remember 'trust, but verify'.

I was about to say common law spouse status doesn't exist, but have been beaten to it. Your inlaws probably don't consider you family because you're not married to their son. I'm not suggesting you rush out and arrange a slot at the registry office. Just bear in mind you and your child are second best in this set up and that's never going to change.