Aibu to feel hurt and put 0 effort in

[Farfromhome9]

Okay so I moved approx 4 hours away from home to go to uni, met partner, now live together and have a baby (6years together).
in those 6 years my SIL had two kids- I took time off work to help (at her request- cooking, cleaning, helping with the toddler when new baby came, running errands, and did her a surprise virtual baby shower in covid. MIL has the 2 kids (now 5 and 3) 3x days a week while SIL works, does their washing and ironing, will take a bag of food shop once a week and any other bits the kids need.

didnt have an issue with any of this until I had my own baby (6m). MIL has visited once, for half an hour, SIL not at all. They were over an hour late to my baby shower and did nothing to help and didn’t speak to/engage with anyone- to the point my mum and sisters asked why they don’t like us. MIL literally lives a street away. SIL visits the area 3x weekly but only lives a 15 min drive away. My baby doesn’t sleep, I have no money, and he’s a Velcro baby so won’t be put down. They know all this and how we’re struggling and haven’t once offered to help. Even like a meal prep once would be so helpful? Or dropping off nappies when my partner was away.
my family have visited and helped more despite being so far away. I’ve invited them to events, milestones, food, walks, coffee- nothing.
every time I bring up with partner he says not to slag off his fam- but AIBU to feel hurt and like they don’t like me? No longer cba to put any effort in with them at all

I would absolutely be sad and hurt in your situation, but tbh, if they don't care enough to show an interest, then there isn't much your DH could do. I mean, if he calls them out on it and they visit out-of guilt, its not going to make it any better, you can't force people to care.
I would seriously consider if you can move closer to your family (before you buy a house) if it's important to you. Does your baby have cousins on your side the family?
And just give up on his, respond politely but stop initiating and chasing. And stop going around there at their convenience at weekends. Tell your dh you want to stay home and invite them over. If they refuse then he can take baby alone and you can have some time at home in peace. Just write them off completely and be pleasantly suprised if they do anything

Really sounds more and more like you have a partner problem. Him getting stuff for his mum frequently but she refused to pick something up while in the supermarket for her grandson is just rude at best.

Your partner telling you not to complain is another problem. Wouldn't be buying a house with him in your situation but atm understandable as you're completely reliant on him. Hopefully you move far enough away that he won't be going near his mum on his way to/from work so he won't have the excuse to pick things up for her.

You'll be better off having no contact with his family. Don't bother inviting them to things. Plan things with your friends instead.

That’s where I’m getting to but didn’t know if I was being an arse
yeah, he’s got 7 cousins and a new one on the way at home
yeah I make plans now and don’t fit around them, baby doesn’t even have a good time as can’t play etc as the older two are quite boisterous and partner gets annoyed when I correct them (don’t throw toys at my baby’s head please lol)

True; everyone’s focusing on that’s I’ve asked for 3 things in 6 months, but we get bread, milk, meds, parcels etc for her all the time! And I don’t expect anyone to clean my house or make meals, but one would be nice when she does it for SIL every week for 5 years!
house is way further away in a little village with a real community feel, closer to friends etc too
i don’t care about ‘stuff’, but when you’re inviting them over weekly for cuppas, to see baby, for a meal I’ve cooked or a walk in the park and they just brush you off I guess I should just take the hint

It feels like some people are reading a different post to me.

OP ask them for nothing ever again.

Your partner knows his family don't care about your child.

He knows but probably doesn't want to admit it and that's why he's defensive about his crappy family.

I live 30 minutes drive from my GC and IF they needed calpol I'd deliver it.

Just for future reference you can cut across the toe section of babygrow 🙂

I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone with 2DC and a job to provide the same support as someone with no DC .
I certainly would not be taking time off work that's insane.
It seems you are a bit of a people pleaser?

Nappies, wipes and baby clothes can be ordered on Amazon
I can't imagine bothering someone for stuff like that.
If the baby needs calpol you just go out and get it, if they don't like the car you can't avoid it forever!

They clearly don't want to meet up so I would just drop the rope .
Foster relationships with others, baby groups etc

I think all you can do really is accept they are the way they are and take a step back.

I do think though mum’s are always more involved with their daughter and their daughter’s kids than their son’s. And if I was trying to be generous to MIL maybe she already has her hands full if she’s providing so much help to her daughter with her other grandkids, that’s become her routine and her “jobs” so she may just not have the time to spread that effort to you & your baby as unfair as that seems. She has her priorities and she’s showed you that you aren’t on the list so simply take a step back and take them off of your list. Be polite and civil, but you can’t force someone to make an effort, care or be involved.

Have just seen you do stuff for his Mum, well yeah she can shove that from now on!
CFery !
Withdraw quietly, don't answer any demands and don't expect anything

Genuinely astounded that people find one pack of nappies, one calpol and one sleepsuit in 6 months unreasonable🤣😅
especially as we’ve done so much for them, and MIL WAS IN THE SHOP ANYWAY

yeah agreed with the defensive thing, it just hurt him, he just withdraws as he hates confrontation. He’s admitted we do need to find a home further away to suit us rather than ‘being close to family’- as I pointed out they can’t be arsed whether we’re 1min or 1 hour away

i did the toe thing! Just hate wasting clothes
I’m also starting to say no when they ask for stuff, boundaries!

Don’t expect that at all, as I’ve said in previous. I just want to do family activities like the park, Christmas lights, picnic, a Sunday roast occasionally lol
it was evening when I needed sleepsuit and nappies- not late but baby was ready for sleep. Hence asking for help or I’d have done it myself. My mum ordered the nappies but said 48 hours delivery
completely agree about the car, but when you’ve got a migraine and baby is unwell you don’t want to take them out in the cold? If someone’s in the shop and driving past anyway surely it’s no big deal

Yeah I feel like a mug lol

Maybe I'm overly independent but I just never bother people with stuff like that.
Always made sure I had nappies and calpol, surely you realise that you are running short ?Baby grows are not an emergency.

They are not going to give you what you want so stop chasing them.
As I said develop relationships with like minded Mums , trying to change them won't work.

I don’t normally, I’d knocked the calpol over and it spilled everywhere- was half a bottle. MIL was on phone to partner and IN THE SHOP
nappies- he had a bad tummy so went through faster than normal, our corner shop was out of his size and I had a flat tire
Babygrows, had a drawer full when I moved from 0-3-3-6, but didn’t realise he wouldn’t fit in any with feet as his summer ones were all footless/ again she was in super market buying uniform for other grandkid, and I’d ordered some online
I genuinely don’t see how one pack of nappies, one bottle of calpol and one sleepsuit in a 6 month period when we’re running errands for her is unreasonable tbh. I rarely ask anyone for anything.

To be fair I think some families are weekend park trip/Sunday lunch/picnic families and some aren’t, and those people don’t really change!

My family are absolutely those people, we all do park trips, Sunday lunch, picnics, arrange Christmas activities together etc. BUT my MIL/FIL/BIL really aren’t those kind of people and never have been, I could waste my time continuing to invite them, prompt them etc but I reached a point years ago where I just thought nope I’m done asking and getting “no” or an excuse every time!

However UR you think they are, they aren't going to do it for you.
It's pointless and self destructive chasing people.
Drop the rope

Stop contacting them why are they always needing help etc when they drive to the supermarket all the time.If they are ask for help just say no.Dont suggest days out or invite them for a meal.They sound awful people forget them.Move far away as possible and ignore if your partner wants to see them he goes alone nothing to do with you.Don’t buy Christmas presents birthday etc if your partner wants to up to him save your money.Sorry they sound awful people it is hard to understand when your own family are so different.

@Farfromhome9

You can't change anyone, all you can do is change how you react to them. You're wasting valuable emotional energy on these people when you should be 100% focused on yourself and your baby. So stop thinking about what they don't do and think about what you can do for yourself and your baby. And yes, stop making efforts towards them. If they want to see you, let them come when it's convenient for you. No invites, no Xmas hosting, no 'duty visits'. Focus that effort on visiting your own family. If your DP wants to do more for his own family, he can arrange it and do it by his own efforts.

You say 'we' can't move closer to your folks because of your jobs. I think you should give this more thought. Is there anything in another field that your training suits for that would be available nearby? I suppose if they're in another country or what you do isn't done where they are (ie you're a solicitor and they live out in the middle of nowhere) I can see that it would be almost impossible to find work where they are. And also, just because HE can't find a job near them doesn't mean YOU can't. Remember that his attitude isn't going to change, he will be making excuses for his family for the rest of his life. You need to decide whether or not that's something you can live with. And you'll need to decide what, if anything, you plan to do about them in their 'declining years'.

And also, look at your definition of 'close'. For me that would be living within 70 miles (1 way) of family. But I live in the US where distances are thought of differently and we have excellent freeway and interstate systems. And we think nothing of driving 100 miles for a day's visit.

Remember also, that whilst you are unmarried and the house belongs to him, you are in a very vulnerable position. Please be sure that you maintain your financial independence. Do NOT become financially dependent on him, nor sign anything (if you buy a house together) that diminishes your co-ownership.

@Farfromhome9 Please read what AcrossthePond55 has written

She is absolutely right

Look after you and your baby. Your partner can deal with his horrible family of users

And safeguard your future

I think you're right that you should take the hint.

I also think you are asking them to step in for small things that most people just have to deal with, and they're clearly not willing, and then you're feeling let down. Most people have to cook holding the baby if they won't go down. I'd have to take DS out if we needed anything, even when he hated the car. That's how it is. i know it'd be nice to have people that you can call on to grab you nappies/calpol/baby clothes, but you don't. These people are not your village.

forget his horrible family and do not ever do anything for them again. I am a mother and a mother in law. If my daughter or my daughter in law texted me or called me needing something, I would drop anything other than a medical appointment , to get whatever they needed for my grandchildren (or themselves also)

Completely agree, these 3 times were isolated incidents when I was burnt out and unwell
its just hard seeing her give the other grandkids the world and mine doesn’t even get a text

I may have misunderstood but is SIL
her daughter? If so I think the relationship is just a bit different.

I agree that it’s sad but she’s making it clear that her priority is her daughter. I don’t think you can fight against it and force her to care. I’d be clear with your partner that it’s on him now to facilitate a relationship with his side of the family and your DC. Thru are always welcome and of course you’ll be polite but you won’t be organising anything from now on.

And yes I’d be looking to move closer to your own family if your partner is away a lot.

This is true, and my withdrawal from it all is planned, I just didn’t know if I was being an arse. Majority are saying I’m not
declining years are all down to SIL lol, not my problem when they cba with us
Job wise mine is super niche, and P has just been promoted and wouldn’t get anywhere near as much if we moved home. where we are I also feel is a much better place to raise a child (outdoor, close to sea etc)
agree with finances and I’ve always been careful. While I may class myself as skint what I think I mean is no diposable income. I haven’t touched my savings towards our first home and I have a nest egg should me and baby need it. I work hard and save hard and go back to work in Jan so finances would improve. I also pay two bills so would have common law wife status and he could t just throw me out!

Yes she’s her daughter
you're right, not my circus not my monkeys lol

Good luck OP - you sound very sensible. I just wanted to flag that there is no such thing as common law wife status. If the house is in his name, and you don't have a tenancy or lodging agreement that names you as living there, then you have no legal right to be in the house and you can be asked to leave without any notice.

I know you are house hunting to buy together which is good because it means you will have some security.