Aibu to feel hurt and put 0 effort in

[Farfromhome9]

Okay so I moved approx 4 hours away from home to go to uni, met partner, now live together and have a baby (6years together).
in those 6 years my SIL had two kids- I took time off work to help (at her request- cooking, cleaning, helping with the toddler when new baby came, running errands, and did her a surprise virtual baby shower in covid. MIL has the 2 kids (now 5 and 3) 3x days a week while SIL works, does their washing and ironing, will take a bag of food shop once a week and any other bits the kids need.

didnt have an issue with any of this until I had my own baby (6m). MIL has visited once, for half an hour, SIL not at all. They were over an hour late to my baby shower and did nothing to help and didn’t speak to/engage with anyone- to the point my mum and sisters asked why they don’t like us. MIL literally lives a street away. SIL visits the area 3x weekly but only lives a 15 min drive away. My baby doesn’t sleep, I have no money, and he’s a Velcro baby so won’t be put down. They know all this and how we’re struggling and haven’t once offered to help. Even like a meal prep once would be so helpful? Or dropping off nappies when my partner was away.
my family have visited and helped more despite being so far away. I’ve invited them to events, milestones, food, walks, coffee- nothing.
every time I bring up with partner he says not to slag off his fam- but AIBU to feel hurt and like they don’t like me? No longer cba to put any effort in with them at all

I think that’s perfectly fair.

Maybe time to think about moving closer to your family op, I would definitely not be having another child with little support around.

Surely your p can pick up nappies. formula, Calpol or you ensure you have sufficient in before he goes away . Your in laws are not obliged to provide support or childcare although it might be nice if they did especially in an emergency. However maybe they see your p not stepping up and think he should first by example. Does Homestart operate in your area?

No you are not being unreasonable. Yes they are rude and indifferent to you, your dh, and your children. If you can just move home and let your dh follow. Why should you orbit around a dead planet?

Where are the men in all of this??

Why are the women supposed to do all the helping of each other?

Working away or not, it all seems very one-sided to me.

Okay, some thoughts:

You aren't married? Do you at least jointly own the property?

Has your partner always mattered less than his sister? If it's a family dynamic then maybe therapy?

Can you move closer to your family?

If not can you build a local support network. As a neighbour I'd pick you up Nappies on my shopping trip.

Yep - and MIL drives past them 3 or 4 times a day. The partner just tells her not to "slag off his family". And people are saying OP is expecting too much because they're "busy". FFS. How many GPs are so desperately busy that they can't visit their grandchild more than once in 6 months despite driving past their house several times a day?
@Farfromhome9 your partner's attitude is odd. I have a sneaking suspicion that he tells his mum not to worry about helping you because he has it sorted.
Sort your joint finances too. He should not be leaving you without money and your current division of finances won't work for you long term.

It doesn't sound like your partner is actively working on a relationship with his family. If he's uninterested and disengaged then why wouldn't they match it?
He's their family. He's their connection.

@Farfromhome9 massive squishes. Stop making any effort with them. His family his problem.

find your own supportive tribe locally.

Find playgroups and coffee mornings and fill weekends with things for you and your partner so it’s not all spent with a family that can’t make any effort with you.

This was when he was working away last minute. Bubs had just had jabs and had a reaction hence we went through more nappies than expected
i I don’t even want childcare, just for them to give a shit about my baby🤣 and to do some family stuff together occasionally (at all lol)
my partner is a great dad and super hands on, he’s not the issue
no homestart no

I love this. Due to my partners job (and mine when I finish mat leave) I don’t think moving home is an option unfortunately

Completely understand about SIL, but all I asked her to do was fill popcorn cones for the baby shower(I had all the stuff, popcorn smell just knocked me sick!) and to go for a couple walks to tge park with the kids lol, don’t think that’s unreasonable?
the same MIL asks for favours all the time, so grabbing some nappies or dropping off a bath we had stored in partners old bedroom also didn’t feel unreasonable to me? My baby just HATES the car. So loading him in, 2 min drive getting him out, to get bath, back in and 2 min drive home didn’t really seem to make sense when she’s literally outside my house at the shop anyway🤣 (our corner shop just didn’t have size 2 nappies or I’d have walked with the pram)

I don’t expect them, it’s just hurtful when she does it for SIL 3x a week. Myself and my baby were both unwell while partner was away and our shop had no size 2 nappies. Clothes- we always have and are prepared- we moved to next size up clothes then realised all sleepsuits have feet and these are too tight (he’d been in footless all summer so didn’t realise he had big feet!). And again, if you’re in Tesco anyway here’s a tenner please can you grab a couple until I can get some myself- while you get school cardigans and joggers for other 2 grandkids lol

i always give notice, I ask weeks in advance to make plans, they ring and say ‘we’re doing this in 10 mins’ then get salty me and partner have plans

didnt want to go to her as already mentioned we were both unwell (migraine and jabs)

I absolutely can cope, and have done. I just want my in laws to be a little bit interested or involved in my babies life

Might do this tbh so he realises how important it is to me

Completely understand. And I’m not expecting anyone to do those things for me, but wanting cousins to spend time together seems pretty normal to me? Doing one Xmas activity. Or a picnic in park in summer one weekend?
we ran out of nappies that night (partner was away) and baby had a bad belly after jabs so went through double amount than normal nappies, and our shop was out of his size. She was in tesco anyway and I’ve always paid my way. But when she’s buying everyone for other kids and doing meals and food shops one pack of nappies or a footless sleepsuit isn’t really a big deal? Idk
when she asked us to come to them (once) I had a migraine, hence asking for help in the first place- I didn’t feel safe to drive

we do 4 baby groups a week and are always out and about and seeing people, just makes me sad his family don’t want to

Start longer term planning to move back to where your parents are - ie start scoping out jobs etc

is the house in both your names?

Don’t expect chores, just pointing out the imbalance
dont expect anyone to cancel anything, but don’t offer to help and say just call if you need anything while P is away then make out I’ve been rude by asking for you to grab something from the shop you’re going to anyway, and have to drive past my house to get to your own lol
its not about buying stuff or chores. It’s the fact they’ve never even called round for a cuppa or text to ask how he is etc, when they’re so involved with the other two and I put so much effort into being a proactive member of the family

I'm so sorry you are going through this

I am super close to my own family, and luckily we live where we grew up , husband's family moved away miles and miles away. I think the only option for you is to discuss moving back home. Your husband might be anxious at first but sounds like your family would welcome him with open arms and show him how a proper family should behave.

That said I don't think you should rely on anyone for nappies Calpol sleep suits et cetera all that can be pre-bought even if you have to go to a charity shop or eBay sell bundles of clothes for pennies - I can see why you would be upset that she wouldn't help but it does sound like you are asking for several things all the time. I'm not being unkind. It's just how it reads.

Nope not married,
home is his
hoenstly thought he was closer to his mum, he lived there until we met and moved in together
got friends and neighbours who all make an effort, which makes me more confused about why they don’t
moving home isn’t really an option due to our jobs
i feel everyone is focusing on ‘picking stuff up’ ‘I’ve asked 3 times in 6 months when partner has been working or I knocked over the calpol lol, it’s more the fact they don’t visit or ever want to do anything with us but do with SILs family

Completely think you’re right and he’s saying it’s all fine, which is why I tried to invite and initiate things instead of waiting from him but still nothing. When baby was born and visiting hours were 2 hours they were 70 mins late- I was fuming. They just seem so uninterested

we are making a joint Acc this week, his house is on market and actively searching for a house to buy together

Thankyou. Just find it so hurtful, but guess it’s their loss!
we go to heaps of baby groups and have loads of friends, just would like him to have a relationship with them but I won’t bother anymore. We’ve also just started booking stuff and send them the date and time- if they wanna join great but if not again- their loss

Not at all- we were both unwell and needed a pack of nappies- shop was out and MIL was going supermarket anyway
sleepsuits- changed to next size up then realised he has big feet and anything with feet was too small! I ordered some that night (only realised at bedtime) to come 48 hour delivery, but he was on phone to MIL at the time and she was in the supermarket (3m after nappy request)
calpol was only last week- bubs was teething and I knocked the bottle over and it went all over carpet- we were meeting them at her house and she was going to get cakes and stuff for the other grandkids anyway- again I’ve always had cash to pay her back straightaway, and p grabs her stuff from the shop all the time as he goes past her for work

I’ve had similar with my two children - my mother is great, hands on and always offering help and support, my dad was similar until his partner had her own grandchild… now mine don’t get a look in, yet they have the other grandchild every single weekend since birth, run around for them, school runs, holidays (my dad, not his partner as she has health issues). I get how you feel, it stings. I don’t ask them for anything, if they offer, great, and my two always have lovely Christmas gifts etc but no quality time. It’s a shame as now mine are older, they don’t really have much of a relationship. Ex partners family weee exactly the same, only saw children if we visited, never a phone call to see how they were. Busy with their own lives, jobs, other grandchildren… I understand real life gets in the way but it does make you feel sad and that your children are missing out or being treated unfairly. I think you just have to accept that you can’t rely on them for any support. They are the ones who will miss out in the long run. You enjoy your baby and making memories, it’s a shame but not all families are as closely knit. I would definitely speak to your partner about relocating near your own family if this is doable so you have that extra support and also for the family involvement for days out etc that you’d like to be part of

I think you're going to have to accept that you will never have a close bond with your mother and sister in law. It sounds like they don't really look on you as family, despite your baby. They're not interested in you and they don't care about you. Stop trying to force a relationship that isn't going to happen. Withdraw from contacting them, build your social circle, ask friends for favours if you need them, because these other women won't ever step up and help out. Make your friendship circle your family. Stop inflicting hurt on yourself and your little boy.

Your MIL has visited your baby once in six months and your SIL not at all?!!!
I think you need to take the hint and stop trying with these people because they're clearly not interested for whatever reason!
As you're on mat leave, I'd go to your parents for a bit. I know you said you can't really move because of your jobs but unless you're both doing something really niche then I'm sure you could! Especially as you're going to be looking to buy somewhere together anyway.
I'd much rather be close to supportive family than try to flog a dead horse with the in-laws.