Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed I’m not in partners will????

923 replies

YourRealBiscuit · 03/11/2024 08:23

Backstory
we’ve been together almost 14 years. We’ve got children. Not married. His house we have lived in. He’s 60 I’m 50.

Am I being unreasonable that I’m annoyed now he’s doing his will his intention is to leave everything to the kids?
We have a decade age gap and I can’t help wondering what would happen to me of he died before me?
he sees it as his stuff so he leaves to who he wants to but I think it’s a huge red flag coupled with the fact obviously he’s not popped the question too

feels to me like he doesn’t really see us as an US?

what do you think?

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 04/11/2024 12:22

You are wrong Myrtle. A spouse left out of a will has a strong claim under the IPFD Act 🙄You can leave a spouse out of a will but their claim on the estate for reasonable provision is strong.

Still stressful and awful to have to make a claim in the first place so it’s sub optimal I agree but there is at least some recourse if you are but in this ops position but married.

RampantIvy · 04/11/2024 12:30

Theeyeballsinthesky · 03/11/2024 08:53

Fuck me what a prince he sounds!! 😳 I have no idea how you managed to get yourself into this situation OP but whatever

for all legal intents and purposes you are a single woman. You need to talk to a solicitor about what if any options you have and you need to start saving like mad to get your own house away from him

and the next time someone starts the weekly “what’s the point in marriage?” thread I’ll point them to this one

and the next time someone starts the weekly “what’s the point in marriage?” thread I’ll point them to this one

So will I.

I'm sorry it has come to this @YourRealBiscuit
You have had some good advice on here. You are living rent free, so save, save, save as much as you can for when the inevitable happens.

YourRealBiscuit · 04/11/2024 12:38

Thanks all for your time, insight and effort.
its been an awful 48 hours really and im still reeling. I really was wantonly living in cloud cuckoo land about where this “relationship” was headed and my future.
I have made steps this morning towards solidifying my finances and I won’t be contributing to anything other than the bare minimum now.
although I’d love to stay for years and make myself super comfortable, I have to be honest and say I’m more likely to move on as quickly as I can buy my own home.
maybe I even have the chance to meet someone and have a relationship on equal grounds as I should have pushed this one to be many moons ago.
hope to update in the future with happier news

thanks again

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2024 12:40

Wednesdaysdrag · 04/11/2024 12:15

I don’t think you can say he got away with it.

He has been really open about not wanting to get married. This man, hasn’t lied or misled op. There was no convincing to do. It’s not about men getting away with anything. It’s about women protecting themselves.

He is entitled to not want to get married. He was honest. Saying the Op ‘couldn’t convince him’ is strange. Why would anyone try and convince someone to get married, that has openly said they don’t want to.

If marriage was important to Op why didn’t she, walk away?

The issue here is you could also say that the Op has had the benefit of not paying a bills, having family and working part time.

Automatic cohabitation laws don’t solve the issue. Plenty of women are financially independent and don’t want to get married. Why should our choice be taken away?

You talk about men getting away with things. When, as women, are we going to expect women to take responsibility for their choices? Rather than victimising them all the time?

Op didn’t have to move in with him, have kids or work part time in the relationship he was offering. She could have chosen not to.

The OP didn't walk away because she didn't realise the hole that she was digging for herself until now.

But as a pp pointed out, being married would only protect her from divorce, not from his death as he could still leave everthing to his kids in his will.

As well as being married, she should have insisted that she owned half the house as joint tenants and even then she would only have been guaranteed to receive half the house when he died as he could have unilaterally severed the joint tenancy and left his half to whoever he wanted in his will.

As a pp said, the laws need to change to protect cohabiting women (and men) but there is no pressure for this to happen.

Perhaps MN should start a campaign for a change in the law.

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 04/11/2024 12:43

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2024 12:10

Well yes of course it would be ideal if the laws would change, but there seems to be nothing to say that this is going to happen.

Perhaps it's something that we should all petition for.

A pp said that cohabitation counts in Australia so it is possible to make it work.

As you say, our laws do not keep up with societal changes.

I’m not sure Australia would be the first place I’d look for ways to support women, to be honest!

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 04/11/2024 12:44

As a pp said, the laws need to change to protect cohabiting women (and men) but there is no pressure for this to happen.
Perhaps MN should start a campaign for a change in the law.

Ridiculous.

GranPepper · 04/11/2024 12:44

YourRealBiscuit · 04/11/2024 12:38

Thanks all for your time, insight and effort.
its been an awful 48 hours really and im still reeling. I really was wantonly living in cloud cuckoo land about where this “relationship” was headed and my future.
I have made steps this morning towards solidifying my finances and I won’t be contributing to anything other than the bare minimum now.
although I’d love to stay for years and make myself super comfortable, I have to be honest and say I’m more likely to move on as quickly as I can buy my own home.
maybe I even have the chance to meet someone and have a relationship on equal grounds as I should have pushed this one to be many moons ago.
hope to update in the future with happier news

thanks again

Good luck with all you do

Seymour5 · 04/11/2024 12:53

@YourRealBiscuit I want to wish you luck. It’s sad that when one person in a supposedly committed relationship appears not to care about the other’s welfare. Especially in cases where you have children together and appear to be comfortable. I can’t imagine how their father will explain to the children why you are in such a vulnerable position.

Your future will be up to you, he’ll be the poorer in so many ways.

Wednesdaysdrag · 04/11/2024 12:55

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2024 12:40

The OP didn't walk away because she didn't realise the hole that she was digging for herself until now.

But as a pp pointed out, being married would only protect her from divorce, not from his death as he could still leave everthing to his kids in his will.

As well as being married, she should have insisted that she owned half the house as joint tenants and even then she would only have been guaranteed to receive half the house when he died as he could have unilaterally severed the joint tenancy and left his half to whoever he wanted in his will.

As a pp said, the laws need to change to protect cohabiting women (and men) but there is no pressure for this to happen.

Perhaps MN should start a campaign for a change in the law.

Thats The point.

The Op was a woman in her mid 30s. She should have known what hole she was walking into.

As women ‘I didn’t know’ doesn’t help us at all.

Men know. Men know how to protect their assets and protect their finances. Women who go find out, know.

The law doesn’t need to change. People have a free a choice about how involved they want the legal system involved in their legal relationship.

Many women, including me, don’t want that.

Why would the law need changing? It’s an active choice. Regretting it later doesn’t mean it wasn’t a choice.

Op wasn’t fooled into thinking he would marry her. It was a choice. Why would we take choices away from other women?

I think the issue is the tall tale we tell women about marriage and children. Many women, ‘sleep walk’ into this situation because their desire for love and children overrides any common sense. Then on the other side of that we have ‘marriage is just a piece of paper’.

We need to look at why so many women don’t think out their own financial future and really look into what the decisions they are making actually mean. Then change it.

If a woman came here and said her boyfriend of 36 had no assets and wanted a child with her and was then going to work part time as long as she married him and gave her half ownership of her mortgage free home, people would tell her to not to do it. They would call him all sorts.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/11/2024 13:03

YourRealBiscuit · 04/11/2024 12:38

Thanks all for your time, insight and effort.
its been an awful 48 hours really and im still reeling. I really was wantonly living in cloud cuckoo land about where this “relationship” was headed and my future.
I have made steps this morning towards solidifying my finances and I won’t be contributing to anything other than the bare minimum now.
although I’d love to stay for years and make myself super comfortable, I have to be honest and say I’m more likely to move on as quickly as I can buy my own home.
maybe I even have the chance to meet someone and have a relationship on equal grounds as I should have pushed this one to be many moons ago.
hope to update in the future with happier news

thanks again

Good luck OP!

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2024 13:09

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 04/11/2024 12:43

I’m not sure Australia would be the first place I’d look for ways to support women, to be honest!

Ha ha, no but is what the pp says is true then they are doing a lot more than we are re co-habitiation.

AngelicKaty · 04/11/2024 13:13

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2024 12:40

The OP didn't walk away because she didn't realise the hole that she was digging for herself until now.

But as a pp pointed out, being married would only protect her from divorce, not from his death as he could still leave everthing to his kids in his will.

As well as being married, she should have insisted that she owned half the house as joint tenants and even then she would only have been guaranteed to receive half the house when he died as he could have unilaterally severed the joint tenancy and left his half to whoever he wanted in his will.

As a pp said, the laws need to change to protect cohabiting women (and men) but there is no pressure for this to happen.

Perhaps MN should start a campaign for a change in the law.

You mean "Tenants in Common", not "Joint Tenants". Joint tenants own the entire property jointly. Tenants in Common own their own discrete half solely.

burnoutbabe · 04/11/2024 13:14

www.inheritancedisputes.co.uk/news-articles/husband-has-left-me-out-of-his-will.html

This (and other sources) suggest the starting point for a claim by a spouse under the inheritance rules would've what they get in a divorce. So short marriage -not much but long marriage and kids -more.

Not that this helps the op. But to correct sone incorrect statements in the thread.

(Yes also costly to claim but then so is divorce)

aloris · 04/11/2024 13:16

"If a woman came here and said her boyfriend of 36 had no assets and wanted a child with her and was then going to work part time as long as she married him and gave her half ownership of her mortgage free home, people would tell her to not to do it. They would call him all sorts."

There's always one, isn't there?

The difference is that a man can create children with hardly any effort or risk on his part. When a woman has children, she takes a much bigger risk and her entire body is involved, for a really long time. She can even die in childbirth, a risk that the sperm-provider doesn't have. This risk and burden from the bearing of the couple's children by a woman, merits support where a man's much smaller contribution to childbearing does not.

Likewise, a SAHM usually does a lot of childcare work. If she didn't do it then it would have to be paid for. Lots of women dial back their careers to allow the man to enjoy HIS career growing apace. Why should she get shafted by this while only he benefits? Men who are the subject of mumsnet threads about leeching off of their female partners, are described that way because they expect to be supported and ALSO do not take care of the children, leaving the woman to do it all.

Men who abandon their partner after having children aren't given the same negative social pressure as are women. They are just noncustodial dads. Women who leave their children to be raised by a male partner are seen and treated in a much more negative light. It's just a lot easier for a man to leave the expensive burden of childcare to the woman and look after himself, than for a woman to do the same.

That said, yes, it's on women to value ourselves enough to abstain from providing children and housekeeping and intimacy, without receiving the security of marriage in return.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 04/11/2024 13:20

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2024 13:09

Ha ha, no but is what the pp says is true then they are doing a lot more than we are re co-habitiation.

But not everyone agrees that what they have done is something that should be done.

It removes choice.

Under the current English system people have the choice to live together as spouses, to live together as civil partners, to live together with a legal cohabitation agreement that covers some of the protections of civil partnership and can be tailored to suit their individual needs, to live together with none of those (with or without shared finances, and with a choice of how to split payments, ownership of property etc.), or to live apart.

If marriage-style protections are automatic and compulsory for cohabitees, that effectively takes away most of those choices. You can be married (or married in all but name) or live apart.

Mustreadabook · 04/11/2024 13:24

YourRealBiscuit · 03/11/2024 09:49

Thanks all

I definitely can now look to get myself a mortgage. I take the point of those saying it’s best to leave now and just live in the house but I would feel bad to upset the kids by doing this though. I don’t think I could do it.

Hopedully his solicitor will make him see his shortsightedness with his split for the kids. I take on board the comments about the cash etc

I also really take on board the comments about Care etc. would he expect me to care for him in his old age when he hasn’t cared for me?

I also see where you’re saying, he could die at 70, my son would be old enough to want his house and he’s then have to wait possibly for another 20 years to get it??? That’s IF my partner said I could live there til I die.

that would cause a huge strain on me, knowing how my son would feel, even though he loves me he’d want his inheritance as we all would.

It’s perfectly normal not to inherit anything until both your parents die! Your son would be very unreasonable to think it is ‘his’ house, and that he is more entitled to it than you. I hope you are projecting your husbands thoughts on to him and that is not how he’d feel. A parents job is to support their child to make their own life and money, not to just give them an inheritance!

Wednesdaysdrag · 04/11/2024 13:27

aloris · 04/11/2024 13:16

"If a woman came here and said her boyfriend of 36 had no assets and wanted a child with her and was then going to work part time as long as she married him and gave her half ownership of her mortgage free home, people would tell her to not to do it. They would call him all sorts."

There's always one, isn't there?

The difference is that a man can create children with hardly any effort or risk on his part. When a woman has children, she takes a much bigger risk and her entire body is involved, for a really long time. She can even die in childbirth, a risk that the sperm-provider doesn't have. This risk and burden from the bearing of the couple's children by a woman, merits support where a man's much smaller contribution to childbearing does not.

Likewise, a SAHM usually does a lot of childcare work. If she didn't do it then it would have to be paid for. Lots of women dial back their careers to allow the man to enjoy HIS career growing apace. Why should she get shafted by this while only he benefits? Men who are the subject of mumsnet threads about leeching off of their female partners, are described that way because they expect to be supported and ALSO do not take care of the children, leaving the woman to do it all.

Men who abandon their partner after having children aren't given the same negative social pressure as are women. They are just noncustodial dads. Women who leave their children to be raised by a male partner are seen and treated in a much more negative light. It's just a lot easier for a man to leave the expensive burden of childcare to the woman and look after himself, than for a woman to do the same.

That said, yes, it's on women to value ourselves enough to abstain from providing children and housekeeping and intimacy, without receiving the security of marriage in return.

Yes we know the differences. There’s always one that misses the point!

I am talking from a financial sense. Anyone risking their assets, in their 40s would be warned off doing so. I think it’s quite unrealistic to expect anyone to just had over half the house when they have been very clear they don’t wish to get married and join assets.

And this is how more women SHOULD be thinking. They should be thinking about what there are risking. Financially. Rather than prioritise love, perceived romance and the need to have a child.

Women know the risks of child birth. And op chose it. She didn’t have to choose it.

This is exactly the point. What’s happened to Op is shitty. But this has not happened to her. It’s not been forced upon her. She made active choices. If the risk to her finances or life were to great, she could have just not.

She could have chosen to not do it unless they were married.

We need to stop women walking into these situations again and again. And saying ‘oh it’s all men’s faults and the women couldn’t have done anything else’ is doing a disservice to women.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 04/11/2024 13:41

venusandmars · 04/11/2024 10:07

Given his father is also changing/updating his will, could it be something to do with that? So you don't 'get your hands on' any of his Dad's inheritance?

I'm definitely thinking that, @YourRealBiscuit. What do you reckon?

Wouldbedriver · 04/11/2024 14:10

Mustreadabook · 04/11/2024 13:24

It’s perfectly normal not to inherit anything until both your parents die! Your son would be very unreasonable to think it is ‘his’ house, and that he is more entitled to it than you. I hope you are projecting your husbands thoughts on to him and that is not how he’d feel. A parents job is to support their child to make their own life and money, not to just give them an inheritance!

Hard disagree. This needs to change!

Many already financially comfortable retired boomers in the SE, with £1m-£2m net worth, have received six figure inheritances that they could, and should, have immediately passed on to their millennial and Gen X children.

Children who may otherwise never be able to get on to the property ladder, and still will likely never have the lifestyle which historical good fortune granted the post war generation.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 04/11/2024 14:16

YourRealBiscuit · 04/11/2024 12:38

Thanks all for your time, insight and effort.
its been an awful 48 hours really and im still reeling. I really was wantonly living in cloud cuckoo land about where this “relationship” was headed and my future.
I have made steps this morning towards solidifying my finances and I won’t be contributing to anything other than the bare minimum now.
although I’d love to stay for years and make myself super comfortable, I have to be honest and say I’m more likely to move on as quickly as I can buy my own home.
maybe I even have the chance to meet someone and have a relationship on equal grounds as I should have pushed this one to be many moons ago.
hope to update in the future with happier news

thanks again

So glad to hear you're still upbeat and making plans for your future.

You're still young so can still find yourself a lovely someone to spend time with. One that loves you and not because you're a 'Gold-digger'. Don't waste anymore of your precious youth on that saddo who doesn't appreciate you. If he's paying for the Xmas holiday, go on one last holiday at his expense. Eat, drink and spend on his tab. If you're paying, then dont bother going.

I wish you all the best for the future and hope everything works out well. Keep us all updated, we're waiting for happier news.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2024 14:18

AngelicKaty · 04/11/2024 13:13

You mean "Tenants in Common", not "Joint Tenants". Joint tenants own the entire property jointly. Tenants in Common own their own discrete half solely.

I'm not sure what you mean.

It would be ideal if the OP held the property as joint tenant with her partner so that when the partner died, she would inherit his half.

The problem is that he can unilaterally sever the joint tenancy and therefore leave his share to whoever he likes in his will, so there is nothign she can do to ensure that she receives his half the house on his death.

Billybagpuss · 04/11/2024 14:19

Good luck 💐

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2024 14:31

Wednesdaysdrag · 04/11/2024 12:55

Thats The point.

The Op was a woman in her mid 30s. She should have known what hole she was walking into.

As women ‘I didn’t know’ doesn’t help us at all.

Men know. Men know how to protect their assets and protect their finances. Women who go find out, know.

The law doesn’t need to change. People have a free a choice about how involved they want the legal system involved in their legal relationship.

Many women, including me, don’t want that.

Why would the law need changing? It’s an active choice. Regretting it later doesn’t mean it wasn’t a choice.

Op wasn’t fooled into thinking he would marry her. It was a choice. Why would we take choices away from other women?

I think the issue is the tall tale we tell women about marriage and children. Many women, ‘sleep walk’ into this situation because their desire for love and children overrides any common sense. Then on the other side of that we have ‘marriage is just a piece of paper’.

We need to look at why so many women don’t think out their own financial future and really look into what the decisions they are making actually mean. Then change it.

If a woman came here and said her boyfriend of 36 had no assets and wanted a child with her and was then going to work part time as long as she married him and gave her half ownership of her mortgage free home, people would tell her to not to do it. They would call him all sorts.

If a woman came here and said her boyfriend of 36 had no assets and wanted a child with her and was then going to work part time as long as she married him and gave her half ownership of her mortgage free home, people would tell her to not to do it. They would call him all sorts.

Well, as long as he was going to look after the children and the woman was fine with him working part-time then what would the problem be if the woman wanted children and did not want to give up work?

Why should a man or woman stop working to bring up children and have no security if things go wrong?

If they are not going to have children then they should both work full time and no, the partner with no assets should not be entitled to half the house.

But once they commit to have children then the person giving up work should not be at a disadvantage, if the other person is happy for them to work part-time to bring up the children.

If the person owning the house doesn't want to give their husband/wife joint ownership of the house then they shouldn't have children. There is no way the the person working part-time to bring up children could possibley afford to buy their own property.

GranPepper · 04/11/2024 14:33

Wouldbedriver · 04/11/2024 14:10

Hard disagree. This needs to change!

Many already financially comfortable retired boomers in the SE, with £1m-£2m net worth, have received six figure inheritances that they could, and should, have immediately passed on to their millennial and Gen X children.

Children who may otherwise never be able to get on to the property ladder, and still will likely never have the lifestyle which historical good fortune granted the post war generation.

I wish people would stop using the perjorative term, "boomers". Every generation has different opportunities and problems. I don't like the perjorative term, "snowflake", either. I am not a person born during the time periods of either of these perjorative terms but we wouldn't accept people using, eg, racist comments or perjorative comments about someone's disability so I think we should stop dividing people with perjorative descriptions based on someone's age. People cannot help when they are born.

AngelicKaty · 04/11/2024 14:36

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/11/2024 14:18

I'm not sure what you mean.

It would be ideal if the OP held the property as joint tenant with her partner so that when the partner died, she would inherit his half.

The problem is that he can unilaterally sever the joint tenancy and therefore leave his share to whoever he likes in his will, so there is nothign she can do to ensure that she receives his half the house on his death.

Sorry, I should have been clearer.

You posted "As well as being married, she should have insisted that she owned half the house as joint tenants and even then she would only have been guaranteed to receive half the house when he died as he could have unilaterally severed the joint tenancy and left his half to whoever he wanted in his will." I was just correcting this.

"Joint Tenants" and "Tenants in Common" are legal terms which have specific meaning. As Joint Tenants the owners own the entire property jointly (so if he died the entire property would automatically become hers unless he dies intestate or his Will states otherwise). As Tenants in Common they would each own their own discrete half of the property, so he can Will his half to someone else on his death, but she retains ownership of her half. So your comment should have read "... she should have insisted that she owned half the house as tenants in common and even then she would only have been guaranteed to receive half the house ...". I'm not trying to be clever or snarky, but these posts are read by many people and so it's important we're clear with the terminology. 😊

Swipe left for the next trending thread