Husband’s insane ex destroying my mental health.

[GettingToTheCrux]

Before meeting my husband, I didn’t have any drama in my life. I’m not a dramatic person and anytime I’ve had issues with people in the past, I’ve been able to deal with them quickly and effectively. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.

For the first few years of our relationship, my (then boyfriend’s) ex, was quietly annoying in the background, but didn’t cause any major issues. He mentioned on several occasions that she had mental health issues and this had been the cause of their relationship deteriorating, but I never saw any of that and as I said, was fine for a few years. We both assumed she had calmed down. They share a child, and my husband and I also have a child.

In the last two years, his ex has ramped up her behaviour to the extent it is effecting my own mental health. I feel anxious a lot, angry, upset, and is impacting our relationship. We argue a lot, we never used to. I can’t concentrate on my job well, or our child, I’m irritable.

Some of the things she has done: sending abusive text messages and emails, not only to my husband but to their child who then ends up extremely distressed. She sends highly
manipulative texts to my stepchild, often abusing or being negative about my husband. She has also sent in the past, highly inappropriate messages, including suicidal and sexual messages, these ones aren’t to my stepchild but to my husband. She refuses to cooperate in any reasonable manner, oftentimes blocking my husband or ignoring his messages so it’s impossible to contact her regarding child arrangements or anything else. In the past she has spread rumours about us to shared acquaintances and has told her child outright lies about us. The most recent thing? Opening up a fraudulent case with the child maintenance service so we are liable for huge payments, and the child maintenance service won’t accept that’s she lying without a child arrangement order from court, which will take months if not years to obtain. Not only do we now have the stress of her erratic behaviour which can be set off at any moment, but also now have the financial stress of my husband - and by extension me - having to find hundreds of pounds a month to pay her, which she isn’t entitled to and we can’t afford whilst also supporting their shared child and ours. It feels constant. As soon as one thing is dealt with, she’s doing something else.

I’ve had enough and want to report her to the police, social services, action fraud etc. I’m sick of her and her behaviour, it’s making me unwell and having a negative impact on our whole household. My husband is in constant bad moods and I have told him all of this but he won’t hear any mention of reporting her to the police or any other service as he thinks it will negatively impact their child and their child will hate us. It’s probably true that his child will ‘hate us’ for a time, but I do think one day they would understand as we have all of the evidence of her behaviour. It’s also not fair on me and our child to have to just put up with this. I’m at the point of wanting to leave as I don’t feel I can take this anymore.

Your very first sentence is the one to look at extremely closely.

Because they are a household, they share finances.

Lucky you, that you've never had to deal with CMS.

Incompetent, witless often arbitrary.
Hiding behind rules that are so complex or hidden it's impossible to fathom.

Massive delays in responses.

They're an absolute scandal.

Op. Have you tried the Facebook group 'child maintenance service UK - questions, answers, advice and support'.

Lots of very well informed people there who may be able to help. Many with similar issues.

Leave OP and come back and tell us you’ve done it . This won’t get better . Your husband is weak.

Agree with this 100%

OP - you need your DH to start challenging his ex. If he won't, you need to leave with your DC

"Doesn't exist" means he doesn't have spare money to give to his ex without it affecting their joint finances. It means the OP has to cover her husband's share of the household expenses with her money because hundreds of his money is going to his ex now.

He needs to claim the child benefit then open up his own CMS claim as that schedule you've posted makes him primary carer. CHB will accept evidence other than a court order (e.g. letters from school, GP etc). Once he has the CHB, it's the ex who'll have to provide a court order to the CMS.

Leave him and let him Sort out this mess. It’s not for your wages to be being paying this bitter woman. She may be ill, but that doesn’t mean you should live like this whilst he quietly panders to her. Sounds to me like he is putting her feelings first above yours and you cannot simply allow this.
move out and give him six months to sort it. Otherwise divorce him if he can’t sort it in that time. He has option, he needs to use them.

This

They can apply for an attachment of earnings, so the money will be taken directy from her DH salary.

If you focus on the things you can control and the choices you have made.

Your problem is that you chose to marry and have a child with a weak spineless coward of a man who would prefer to see your mental health destroyed than put himself through conflict. He isn't prepared to go out of his comfort zone to stand up for you.

That is what you need to make your decision to stay or go on.

The ex has nothing to do with you.

First thing I'd be doing
Is separating my money In to my own bank account.not a penny of my money would go to her .maybe your dh will rethink when she's left him penny less .
Don't pay his share of the bills either .
And start looking for a way out .
He's a spineless man ,your better off out of it

I just read my comment back and it sounds like I'm blaming you. My apologies. I'm not. I mean you should focus on the only bit you have any control of.

I would completely withdraw from it all - let the husband do most of the childcare for the 13 years, interact much less, never read or see or know about what the ex is saying - just bear the financial costs of her current claim but think nothing about it ever.

The person will remain a parent to the child even when the child is over 18. And will still have the capacity to be a dick. There may be less enforced contact as the child gets older, but things like university, graduation, and the life stages for the child as an adult may well require input from both children (weddings, grandchildren arriving)
The nutter will always be there.

Sounds sadly like you have a totally ineffective DH OP. His lack of action is impacting on everyone, including himself.

I am not advocating you leave him though. I would say he needs to leave you, get his act together elsewhere, look after his child elsewhere, while you continue to raise your child in your family home. And then hopefully, once the batshit ex is sorted, you can come back together as a functioning family of four, two innocent children, and hopefully a stable loving environment. It’s a ball that is totally in his court. Meantime, take control of your own emotions if you can, be clinical and clear about your decisions, getting legal help, and your daily routines. You be the strong one in this, he’s the weak link, she’s beneath contempt. The poor kiddies deserve better, and you can be the one to give them that.wishing you all the best.

@Clarabell77

The problem is forever. Because regardless of the child, the problem is the spineless husband. He will remain a coward even if the ex wife disappears, just waiting for the next problem to arise to bury his head in the sand about.

Change phone number and use a parenting app for all communication.
Try and persuade husband to report her - difficult I know as it will.impact child. Perhaps hubby and you can talk with child about what she us doing first so they understand what you are doing/trying to achieve.

So... There are some simple ways to help you deal with this. Firstly block her on your child's phone and your phone.
You have no reason to have any involvement with her at all. It's your husband who had a child with her.
If she upsets your Step Child, then you need to comfort your Step Child, and say that they will need to speak to their dad about it. But make sure you comfort them.
Each time your husband complains about her, say, "I can only offer you advice love." If he asks what advice, say "Speak to a professional, shall we try to find one together bceause I know you don't want to speak to the ones I've mentioned".

It's not your job to change his mind about his Child's upbringing, but you can advise him without creating an argument.
Obviously IF she says anything about hurting her child, then it's police time. If it's about her hurting herself, then just say to your husband "Are you asking me for advice or just ranting love?"
It's not your job to make everyone else happy. It's not your job to deal with this problem.

Yes, they will both remain parents but when the child becomes an adult there is no need for separated parents to be in touch. Personal experience says the life events can be worked around and the grown adult son or daughter will be in a better position to understand.

We had some similar issues with my partners ex when she first heard he had a new partner (me!). I won’t go into detail but my partner reported her to the police eventually for harassment. They took him seriously and popped round to see her for an informal chat. The harassment stopped instantly. It has been the most powerful thing he has done to curb her behaviour.

We then went on to get a child arrangements order to secure contact. It was a long road but we could not continue the way things were. The ex has never once mentioned the police visit to us nor their child. The police implied that she was absolutely mortified by their visit. I would highly recommend it. If you don’t get taken seriously by the police, play devils advocate and ask whether they would respond differently if it was a man doing this to a woman. That soon got things moving.

I think the husband is rightly not taking the actions OP is pushing for because he knows it won’t achieve much and he’s worried it might damage his relationship with his child. And yes it’s potentially damaging his relationship with OP and their child but OP knew what she was getting herself into when she married someone who was already a father. Not saying nothing should be done - block the woman, he can stop telling OP about her crazy messages, escalate the CMP issue, but calling the police and social services is extreme.

Is your Dh aware that you’ve considered leaving him to protect yourself? He needs to be aware that you’re thinking about it and he needs to take action. As your ds lives mostly with you, surely he can explain to him in child friendly terms that his mother is experiencing mh issues and go for full custody with supervised contact only? Why is he failing to protect his child? He needs to cut off all personal contact and use a shared custody app if she’s allowed to have him for a week at a time, although I’d look to change that immediately.

You have the child for 3 out of 4 weeks and you're paying CM?? your DH needs to pursue this aggressively, you should not be paying anything, his ex should be paying CM.
If he can't sort this out, leave.