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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband caught out - again!!

94 replies

Smokymcsmokerson · 02/11/2024 17:40

When me and my husband got together, I knew he smoked. He tried to hide it but I told him I knew. only smoked outdoors and away from me which is fine. When I got pregnant he decided to give up smoking and vaped instead. Again outside, with a coat on, takes coat off when he comes into house. I didn’t ask him to stop, he took the decision.

over a year ago I found empty cigarette boxes in his car and confronted him. Its not the smoking I care about, its the lying.

Since this, our son is suspected asthmatic and since this I have been really strict with him re smoking. He smoked on our honeymoon which was fine because our son wasn’t there. However, as someone who suffers pleurisy very often I told him I know what it’s like to feel like your chest is tight and no smoking is allowed because it’s a risk to our son’s health. He agreed and said it was fine anyway because he’s vaping outside and isn’t smoking anymore anyway.

today I went to open his boot and he said ‘no, I’ll do it’. I’ve grown up with enough liars to know when someone is hiding something so I opened the boot. Long and behold there’s the cigarettes.

i’m angry because I’ve said to him a few times over the last few weeks that I could smell smoke and he said no it was just strong vapes. I’m angry too because of the conversation we had about our son. I’m angry because he lied.

I know he’s a grown man, it’s his choice but don’t fucking lie to me then. Haven’t spoken to him since just disgusted at him to be honest. He said why can you not just leave it but I grew up in a house with a mother who turned a blind eye to everything and it made her look so naive, I won’t be that woman.

OP posts:
MauveCritic · 02/11/2024 17:46

I smoked, then I vaped, and my partner was delighted. Cigarettes stink, of course, and he worried about my health. Sometimes, though, I feel as though the decision to vape or smoke cigarettes has been taken out of my hands. I honestly think if I tried to smoke cigarettes again, he'd block me from doing so. So maybe it's that I have no idea other than that why he'd lie.

Hoplolly · 02/11/2024 17:49

You don't want him to lie, but he's lying because he doesn't want the hassle as he's obviously going to get grief from you. If you don't want him to lie, leave him to make his own decisions, as long as he's not doing it around your son. You knew he smoked when you got together with him, if it was a dealbreaker that was the time to make it known.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 02/11/2024 17:51

I'm surprised that anyone who voted YABU as that would be saying lying in a relationship is acceptable which is not the case at all.

I'd be furious. Lying = lack of trust = crap relationship.

Namechangedtohideidentity · 02/11/2024 17:52

I would be asking why does he feel the need to lie…….because he will be harangued if he tells the truth.
His choice OP, not yours.

Uricon2 · 02/11/2024 17:53

I was a very heavy smoker from 15 to my late 40s. Started vaping and haven't had even a puff of a cig for 12 years.

A constructive idea would be suggesting that he gets a proper, easy to fill and handle vape and makes sure the nicotine content of the liquid is high enough (1.8)

DuplicateUserName · 02/11/2024 17:55

People lie about addiction all the time because they're ashamed of it.

It doesn't make it right but that's why they tend to do it.

And of course because they're struggling to free themselves of it.

ttcat37 · 02/11/2024 18:15

Does he even want to stop? If not he’s putting his own addiction above the health and comfort of his family. I’m not sure if I could forgive that.
If he does want to stop then I would recommend the tablets. I took them to quit smoking. They worked like magic for me, they make smoking taste absolutely repulsive and cigarettes suddenly do nothing for you at all. You must have a plan in place though for the times you usually need to smoke. Vaping is not the answer- it’s still keeping him addicted and keeping that habit of ‘going out for a fag’. I unfortunately turned to chocolate buttons, but some people have a conversation with a friend or family member instead when they feel the urge to smoke, or do something else to take their mind off it. It doesn’t take long for the physical addiction to go away, but the habit is very hard to break, and for me the crutch when stressed was hard to replace.

ginasevern · 02/11/2024 18:16

He won't quit until he decides to. Nothing you say or do will force him. He's lying for obvious reasons, namely that you will make his life hell if he doesn't. Is he a good husband and father and is your relationship otherwise happy (as happy as anyone ever is)? If so then I would suggest that you can't win 'em all - that's life. Everyone has their faults, failings, weaknesses. I'm sure you have some yourself. Your son is unlikely to become ill if your DH is smoking outside. I think you are making this more about the moral high ground and control than anything else to be honest.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 02/11/2024 18:20

He doesn't value your dc's health enough to quit. He needs to move out until he does both. My dm smoked when I was a dc.. Diagnosed with asthma at 27...my dc are never knowingly exposed.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 02/11/2024 18:21

Hoplolly · 02/11/2024 17:49

You don't want him to lie, but he's lying because he doesn't want the hassle as he's obviously going to get grief from you. If you don't want him to lie, leave him to make his own decisions, as long as he's not doing it around your son. You knew he smoked when you got together with him, if it was a dealbreaker that was the time to make it known.

This. You've told him to stop smoking. He wants to smoke. So he has to lie to you otherwise you'll go batshit at him. It's not your decision to make.

violentovulation · 02/11/2024 18:26

LOL at all the apologists on this thread.

OP, time to set a fire under him I think. As someone else said, ask him to move out until he quits.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 02/11/2024 18:28

violentovulation · 02/11/2024 18:26

LOL at all the apologists on this thread.

OP, time to set a fire under him I think. As someone else said, ask him to move out until he quits.

Why does he have to quit? OP doesn't get to make that decision for him.

Hoplolly · 02/11/2024 18:29

violentovulation · 02/11/2024 18:26

LOL at all the apologists on this thread.

OP, time to set a fire under him I think. As someone else said, ask him to move out until he quits.

There's nothing apologist about letting a grown ADULT make their own decision.

rwalker · 02/11/2024 18:43

In all honesty if he would of told you so you of just accepted or given him shit for it

of course he lied he CBA with the back lash

GrandTheftWalrus · 02/11/2024 18:44

My exH forced me to stop smoking and I hated him for it. I started again just before we split up.

WhichEllie · 02/11/2024 18:48

violentovulation · 02/11/2024 18:26

LOL at all the apologists on this thread.

OP, time to set a fire under him I think. As someone else said, ask him to move out until he quits.

No kidding. Surely we aren’t so backwards that we don’t know about the issues surrounding smoking and children, especially children with asthma. Not smoking when you have an asthmatic child is common sense, and bare-minimum parenting.

Morecoffeeforme · 02/11/2024 18:49

StepAwayFromGoogling · 02/11/2024 18:28

Why does he have to quit? OP doesn't get to make that decision for him.

Errr their son has asthma!

and even if he didn’t, it’s a massive risk to children’s health.

MauveCritic · 02/11/2024 18:54

Morecoffeeforme · 02/11/2024 18:49

Errr their son has asthma!

and even if he didn’t, it’s a massive risk to children’s health.

He doesn't smoke around his child. She said that several times. Besides, I have asthma; my parents smoked like chimneys my whole life, with the windows closed. I survived. I'm not advocating it. However, it was not great for me as a child. I wish my parents had smoked outside.

SirCharlesRainier · 02/11/2024 18:54

When me and my husband got together, I knew he smoked.

I think you've pointed out the root of the problem in your first sentence. You knew from the beginning and accepted it and pursued the relationship. He only stopped because he knew you didn't like it, and from there he was always on a path to relapsing and lying about it.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a smoker so I just .. don't get into relationships with smokers.

MauveCritic · 02/11/2024 18:56

SirCharlesRainier · 02/11/2024 18:54

When me and my husband got together, I knew he smoked.

I think you've pointed out the root of the problem in your first sentence. You knew from the beginning and accepted it and pursued the relationship. He only stopped because he knew you didn't like it, and from there he was always on a path to relapsing and lying about it.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a smoker so I just .. don't get into relationships with smokers.

Yeah, good point. I wouldn't have a relationship with a drinker. It's an instant deal breaker for me.

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/11/2024 19:00

If he wants to smoke, he can! In a flat, all on his own, divorced.

Autumnalsun · 02/11/2024 19:12

I would absolutely hate someone lying to my face but YABU because you don’t get to dictate whether a grown adult smokes or not.

You can absolutely say you don’t want it in the house etc but he can smoke if he wants to.

Perhaps he just had a weak moment and is dealing with it.
You nagging him about it is not going to make it any easier to quit because it makes it worse.

Anytime someone told me to stop smoking or turned their nose up at me for slipping up, it made me give up giving up and carry on smoking more.

The only way I quit, was by not telling anyone I was quitting because I knew I would have several slip ups along the way but that’s normal.

swiftieswoop · 02/11/2024 19:20

Morecoffeeforme · 02/11/2024 18:49

Errr their son has asthma!

and even if he didn’t, it’s a massive risk to children’s health.

Not just children, my FIL died prematurely from lung cancer due to smoking. MIL is conversely very healthy and will likely have at least 30 years without him by her side. They had planned to enjoy their retirement together.

So all the people saying "it's his decision." Maybe you don't care about your partner's (or yours, as a smoker's), health. But even if you don't, maybe care that you or someone else will go through that hell with them, slowly watching them die.

Autumnalsun · 02/11/2024 19:30

swiftieswoop · 02/11/2024 19:20

Not just children, my FIL died prematurely from lung cancer due to smoking. MIL is conversely very healthy and will likely have at least 30 years without him by her side. They had planned to enjoy their retirement together.

So all the people saying "it's his decision." Maybe you don't care about your partner's (or yours, as a smoker's), health. But even if you don't, maybe care that you or someone else will go through that hell with them, slowly watching them die.

It’s awful but OP chose to be in a relationship with a smoker.

You cannot choose to have a relationship and then a child with a smoker, and then get annoyed that they are smoking.

It is his decision and it was OPs decision to get into a relationship with him regardless of his smoker status.

Morecoffeeforme · 02/11/2024 19:30

MauveCritic · 02/11/2024 18:54

He doesn't smoke around his child. She said that several times. Besides, I have asthma; my parents smoked like chimneys my whole life, with the windows closed. I survived. I'm not advocating it. However, it was not great for me as a child. I wish my parents had smoked outside.

Doesn’t matter as the smoke is still on your clothes, breath and body.

Just because your parents were supremely shit first mean it’s ok to be just quite shit

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