Husband caught out - again!!

[Smokymcsmokerson]

When me and my husband got together, I knew he smoked. He tried to hide it but I told him I knew. only smoked outdoors and away from me which is fine. When I got pregnant he decided to give up smoking and vaped instead. Again outside, with a coat on, takes coat off when he comes into house. I didn’t ask him to stop, he took the decision.

over a year ago I found empty cigarette boxes in his car and confronted him. Its not the smoking I care about, its the lying.

Since this, our son is suspected asthmatic and since this I have been really strict with him re smoking. He smoked on our honeymoon which was fine because our son wasn’t there. However, as someone who suffers pleurisy very often I told him I know what it’s like to feel like your chest is tight and no smoking is allowed because it’s a risk to our son’s health. He agreed and said it was fine anyway because he’s vaping outside and isn’t smoking anymore anyway.

today I went to open his boot and he said ‘no, I’ll do it’. I’ve grown up with enough liars to know when someone is hiding something so I opened the boot. Long and behold there’s the cigarettes.

i’m angry because I’ve said to him a few times over the last few weeks that I could smell smoke and he said no it was just strong vapes. I’m angry too because of the conversation we had about our son. I’m angry because he lied.

I know he’s a grown man, it’s his choice but don’t fucking lie to me then. Haven’t spoken to him since just disgusted at him to be honest. He said why can you not just leave it but I grew up in a house with a mother who turned a blind eye to everything and it made her look so naive, I won’t be that woman.

12yrs a vaper? That's a long time... I feel it's very likely you & I have come across one another elsewhere..

OP - you made him ashamed of something, unfortunately that does the opposite of what we all think it will do. He wants to smoke, he enjoys it. The best thing you can do is wholeheartedly support the switch to vaping with the understanding he can't do it around your son (it just isn't worth the risk). Back him up, make him feel good about changing his behaviour, not ashamed.

no smoking is allowed because it’s a risk to our son’s health
For clarity. I didn’t expect him to change. I didn’t mind him smoking outside. HE said he wanted to stop when I got pregnant. I did however put my foot down with my son’s asthma. My husband said it didn’t matter anyway because he wasn’t smoking anyway. I’m as confused as anyone given that HE spear headed this; not me

Smokers often want to stop or think they should stop and don't manage it. This is well known and shouldn't be confusing at all. You're the one saying he's not allowed to smoke and then getting angry he lies. Personally I can't stand smoking and it would be a deal breaker for me, but then I'd never have dated a smoker. He is behaving like an addict about an addictive substance, expecting him to stop because you tell him he's not allowed to smoke is unrealistic.

You have some choices, but only some of them are in your control. Continue how you are and he'll probably continue lying and you'll continue to catch him out and get angry and this will go on happening until he quits or until you resent him so much and your relationship is so fractured you break up. You stop with the you're not allowed to smoke thing and leave it to him to decide as an adult and don't get angry he's smoking as long as it isn't around DS and maybe he will at some stage decide to quit or maybe he won't. Leave.

You could talk to him and ask him to seek help to quit, starting with seeing his GP. You would need to accept this may take a while and multiple attempts and some smoking even if he wants to quit. His behaviour isn't in your control though and trying to make an addict quit when they don't want to is pointless. You can control your actions, not his, you can set boundaries but its in terms of how you react to the behaviour, not what he does. So if smoking is a deal breaker you won't be in a relationship if he continues to smoke.

I had exactly the same situation with my DH for a few years, I sympathise. He lied to my face about it on several occasions. It was bad because when he had relapsed and then stopped again, the withdrawal symptoms gave him profound, Jekyll and Hyde level mood swings. He would go from lovely to cold, spiteful and with an extremely short fuse.
I didn’t really care whether he smoked or not (obviously I wanted him to succeed as he desperately wanted to give up), but in the meantime I just really needed to know whether he had relapsed or not, because either his arsehole behaviour had a reasonable explanation, or he was just being inexcusably nasty. By lying about his relapses he gaslit me badly, I felt like I was imagining the smell of smoke, marks on his lips etc and felt like i was going insane.
Some people didn’t understand this and called me controlling for wanting to know if he was smoking or not, like some posters are doing to you on this thread.

A young relative did this and said it was great for strength training!

So if he came to you and said I am going to continue smoking your answer would be calm, not angry and you wouldn't shout or yell or ignore him or demand he stops? You can't have it both ways, either he can chose to smoke in which case there's no need to lie or you stop lying to yourself and admit you're angry about the smoking and it is 'banned' as you've said. I don't think you're wrong to be angry about the smoking, but unless you're willing to give him a choice and calmly accept if he makes the choice to keep smoking then it's not about the lying.

Maybe not the best words as fire will definitely keep him smoking

Its understandable to want to know the truth, whether expecting that is controlling or reasonable depends on how you'd react if he told you the truth. OP has banned him from smoking then expects him to be honest. Maybe you were entirely opened and ok about him smoking. The problem can be if you react badly to the truth they decide its about the smoking, so it would have to be made very clear that they can chose to smoke and as long as certain boundaries are maintained, like not in the house and not around kids that's their choice as an adult. You can't ban another adult from doing something then expect them to believe you're only angry about the lies and not the behaviour.

I’m not sure you’ve understood fully, I never placed restrictions on the smoking. In fact I often secretly thought for gods sake just smoke, as the withdrawal was so hellish, but would never have said that as I knew how badly he wanted to stop.
It’s not controlling to ask that your husband doesn’t lie to you. The lying itself is controlling in a situation like this, as it takes away the partners informed consent about whether to stay in that situation or not.

A lot of my ex partners and actually now I think of it friends have claimed to have stopped smoking but still have sneaky ones socially in social situations or periods of high stress.

if you can’t smell it and their not back on them them long term I can’t see the issue.

a guy could be doing a lot worse than having sneaky fags, belive me I’ve seen a lot!

if he was overweight and addicted to sugar, would you react the same if you caught him eating behind your back after having declared he’s gone on a cleanse? Don’t mean to be rude but you sound very controlling OP

Harsh. Casting first stone I fear. Have you never had a secret?

You knew he smoked when you met and decided to have a relationship with him. He doesn't want to give up smoking, which is his choice to make, so with he lies about it or has to put up with the grief you give him.

You are making it about you your inability to control him and rage/pique at being hoodwinked rather than acknowledging he is struggling with a FIERCE addiction. No one would spend £50+ a week killing themselves with cancer sticks if you could give up just like that.

Anger will only alienate him further and make him feel more justified in concealing the fact that he relapsed from you.

Breathe

Don’t you post about this regularly? You catch him again and again, same discussion.
You choose to stay with a liar.

You knew he smoked at the start. The lying isn't great but he has to stop on his own.

Giving someone the silent treatment is classed as domestic violence. You need to stop.

Not sure why anyone thinks it's wholly his choice when it affects everyone he's around - it's a rank habit. Kissing cigarette breath, yellow fingers, getting into your fresh bed and smelling it on his pillow... urgh urgh urgh. I don't think it's healthy for little ones to even smell it on clothing, "thirdhand smoke".

Tbf I think vaping is equally grim, we just don't know about all the health risks yet...

OP has said she didn't mind him smoking but it was the lying. I think you've been reasonable in that you didn't mind him smoking outside or on honeymoon when your son wasn't there. I think you have reasonably tolerated his habit and you have every right to say you don't want it near your son or near the house but saying can't you just leave it means you don't understand the addiction involved. I say this as an ex smoker so am fully aware of the addiction. I think he really wants to quit and is probably ashamed of it which is why he's lying. Many smokers, (this was myself included), hate the idea of being a smoker and will do it privately. If you're honest, you're not just angry about the lying, you're angry because you can't control his addiction.

OP - see if he will try hypnotherapy. It worked for my partner who was a heavy smoker

This. It’s not worth the drama or him having to lie for a quiet life. He’s and adult. 🤷‍♀️

I had asthma as a child, including some life threatening, blue light, attacks. Both my parents smoked.

When I moved out it all but went away. They both quit for their own health not long after. I quite resent that smoking meant so much more to them than my ability to breath. So YANBU to say he can't smoke with a child.

And lying is absolutely not OK, especially "he's lying because he knows he'll get shit about it." You could say that about anything, that's usually the reason for lying.

She doesn’t. But she also doesn’t have to live with a smoker.

I think you are being unreasonable because he is a grown adult and he can choose to do as he pleases. He is lying because he doesn't want to upset you, so it's easier to lie, than have you treat him like a child.
Regardless of your ailments.. he has the right to smoke. I highly doubt you would appreciate someone telling you what to do.

She doesn't, I agree. That's the decision OP has to make for herself.