Husband caught out - again!!

[Smokymcsmokerson]

When me and my husband got together, I knew he smoked. He tried to hide it but I told him I knew. only smoked outdoors and away from me which is fine. When I got pregnant he decided to give up smoking and vaped instead. Again outside, with a coat on, takes coat off when he comes into house. I didn’t ask him to stop, he took the decision.

over a year ago I found empty cigarette boxes in his car and confronted him. Its not the smoking I care about, its the lying.

Since this, our son is suspected asthmatic and since this I have been really strict with him re smoking. He smoked on our honeymoon which was fine because our son wasn’t there. However, as someone who suffers pleurisy very often I told him I know what it’s like to feel like your chest is tight and no smoking is allowed because it’s a risk to our son’s health. He agreed and said it was fine anyway because he’s vaping outside and isn’t smoking anymore anyway.

today I went to open his boot and he said ‘no, I’ll do it’. I’ve grown up with enough liars to know when someone is hiding something so I opened the boot. Long and behold there’s the cigarettes.

i’m angry because I’ve said to him a few times over the last few weeks that I could smell smoke and he said no it was just strong vapes. I’m angry too because of the conversation we had about our son. I’m angry because he lied.

I know he’s a grown man, it’s his choice but don’t fucking lie to me then. Haven’t spoken to him since just disgusted at him to be honest. He said why can you not just leave it but I grew up in a house with a mother who turned a blind eye to everything and it made her look so naive, I won’t be that woman.

Assuming he's not sitting there blowing it in his son's face seeing as OP has only 'caught' him out.

I think YABU because this is what happens when you choose to be with a smoker.

Obviously the lying is crap but he'd be gone as he's putting his desire to smoke over the health of his child. Deal breaker for me.

Newsflash! We all die. And smoking doesn't guarantee you'll die young, just as not smoking doesn't guarantee you'll live past 60. Of course smoking kills, but so do a lot of things we do every day.

So you advocate for children, which is excellent, but you find it OK to call people's parents 'supremely shit'? If you want to be altruistic and come across as genuine, because you don't, at least keep some consistency in your blurb.

Why do something deliberately to hasten it which also affects others

Have you ever watched someone die from a smoking related disease? That could have been avoided by not doing it in the first place

I was replying to a poster who said that they’re asthmatic but have “survived” despite their parents smoking in the house with the windows shut. Yes that’s shit - not exactly parents of the year are they

That poster was me. I mentioned that I would have been grateful if they had smoked outside as an asthmatic child. Both my parents are deceased (not from smoking). Was it necessary to call them 'supremely shit'?

Yes it’s not great but assuming you’re over the age of 30ish surely you grew up around smoking everywhere? In shops, on transport, pubs, restaurants… I even remember we used to have to sit at the back of the aeroplane in the smokers area for my Nan! I survived, as did my siblings.

If he isnt smoking directly around your child I really don’t think you can make him do anything. He’s a grown man who can make his own choices. He’s only hiding it/lying because you’ve shown what happens if you knew.

You got with him knowing he was a smoker. You have two choices- accept or leave.

Plus @MauveCritic it was entirely normal for people to smoke like that pre-90s for sure. Does not make them bad parents.

Sorry op I agree with a lot of other posters, you knew he smoked, you can't force him to quit. He's not doing it in the house, that would be horrible. It's unfortunate your son is asthmatic and I'm sure your husband isn't proud of his addiction, but as long as he keeps it away from your son then I'm not sure there's much else you can say 🤷‍♀️

Yeah, if this was the other way around people would be saying leave the controlling bastard. 😅

No they wouldn't.

Do you always always tell
him the absolute truth about everything? Kindly aren’t people allowed to have any private life when they are part of a couple?

I think if it were just you and him, you’d need to let him be (or decide to leave if you hated it so much).

However, I find it sad that he doesn’t value the health of his child to pack this in. Wearing a jacket outside isn’t going to stop the smoke from clinging to your hands, face, hair etc.

If you found them in the car, has he has your son in the back while he’s smoked in the front?

Pretty poor from him. I’d make sure that at your son’s next asthma review you take your husband along and ensure the doctor knows he’s refusing to stop smoking.

I’m sure there’ll be people giving it “but quitting is haaaaard!”, but for me it doesn’t compare to needlessly endangering your child, who has no way in whether their little lungs are poisoned.

So OP Leaves her DP, he will still have regular contact with his son and he will still be a smoker.
A court would not stop a parent having contact because he vapes or smokes tobacco in his own time so the problem will not be solved. Except for ending the relationship with a the lying partner.

I’m 27. My mum is a brittle asthmatic so we need to avoid it. One sniff of it can send her into a full blown attack.

Yeah you got together with a smoker and expected that he would change. He hasn’t.

For clarity. I didn’t expect him to change. I didn’t mind him smoking outside. HE said he wanted to stop when I got pregnant. I did however put my foot down with my son’s asthma. My husband said it didn’t matter anyway because he wasn’t smoking anyway. I’m as confused as anyone given that HE spear headed this; not me.

He said he was vaping because he knew how you'd react.

about him lying; not about him smoking.

I watched a programme about the nhs, health visitors, and asthma.

It said that cigarette particles stay on the clothes for something like 11 or 13 hours. I can't remember exactly but it was roughly a full day. Shocking. I had no idea. I didn't think they'd stay at all when smoking in a breeze outside!

Then if the smoker say picks up and cuddles a baby or child in the same clothes, even though they smoked outside before they came inside to cuddle, the baby/child will have their face on the microscopic cigarette particles in the clothing and breathe them in. Without anyone knowing.

So the programme basically says although smoking outside is better than inside, if you want to give asthmatic kids the best chance don't do it at all.

I don't know if showering and changing clothing would be an option but it could be? ie do what you want during the day when our working but leave your dirty clothes in the wash basket/jacket in the van and go shower before cuddling your children.

If my kids health was at risk I'd want him to see that tv programme but I don't remember what it was called sorry.

Op your entitled to your own boundaries and expectations within the relationship. No you can't force him to quit. That decision has to come from him. But you can state your own boundaries and consequences to him.
For example if you lie to me I'm going to need to seek safety and distance from you. That will look like you sleeping somewhere else for x amount of time.

Or my expectation of this relationship was that you wanted to quit unless you are actively pursuing help to quit I no longer wish to be in this relationship with you.

Unfortunately it is a serious addiction, although many people see it as more of an "acceptable" addiction. Unless he wants to quit and wants to do the work to understand himself on a deeper level and what triggers him. Him quitting cold turkey can have other negative side affects. There is also the possibility of cross addiction.

You are very valid in not wanting this in your life. It doesn't make sense to choose smoking over your partner and child but that is addiction. The brain reorganises our basic survival needs, in this case putting smoking above all else.

I was in your position OP - I’m not sure which I hated most, the smoking or the lying. It was one of the reasons for our divorce. It wasn’t the only reason, but it was part of it.

You didn't force him to lie OP, no matter what some people on here would have you believe. It's victim blaming at it's finest. A proper grown up doesn't handle a situation like this by lying to you and going behind your back. He's not even 'only' lying by omission he's lying straight to your face. He's not a 5 year old child.

Now you know he has no problem lying straight to your face and smoking despite your child being asthmatic where does that leave your relationship?