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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband caught out - again!!

94 replies

Smokymcsmokerson · 02/11/2024 17:40

When me and my husband got together, I knew he smoked. He tried to hide it but I told him I knew. only smoked outdoors and away from me which is fine. When I got pregnant he decided to give up smoking and vaped instead. Again outside, with a coat on, takes coat off when he comes into house. I didn’t ask him to stop, he took the decision.

over a year ago I found empty cigarette boxes in his car and confronted him. Its not the smoking I care about, its the lying.

Since this, our son is suspected asthmatic and since this I have been really strict with him re smoking. He smoked on our honeymoon which was fine because our son wasn’t there. However, as someone who suffers pleurisy very often I told him I know what it’s like to feel like your chest is tight and no smoking is allowed because it’s a risk to our son’s health. He agreed and said it was fine anyway because he’s vaping outside and isn’t smoking anymore anyway.

today I went to open his boot and he said ‘no, I’ll do it’. I’ve grown up with enough liars to know when someone is hiding something so I opened the boot. Long and behold there’s the cigarettes.

i’m angry because I’ve said to him a few times over the last few weeks that I could smell smoke and he said no it was just strong vapes. I’m angry too because of the conversation we had about our son. I’m angry because he lied.

I know he’s a grown man, it’s his choice but don’t fucking lie to me then. Haven’t spoken to him since just disgusted at him to be honest. He said why can you not just leave it but I grew up in a house with a mother who turned a blind eye to everything and it made her look so naive, I won’t be that woman.

OP posts:
Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 04/11/2024 15:50

Love mumsnet!
Pearl clutchers at some things and when it comes to something like a smoking parent with an asthmatic child, all of a sudden op is a control freak!

I would hate this op.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/11/2024 21:31

ShinyPebble32 · 03/11/2024 08:29

I’m not sure you’ve understood fully, I never placed restrictions on the smoking. In fact I often secretly thought for gods sake just smoke, as the withdrawal was so hellish, but would never have said that as I knew how badly he wanted to stop.
It’s not controlling to ask that your husband doesn’t lie to you. The lying itself is controlling in a situation like this, as it takes away the partners informed consent about whether to stay in that situation or not.

I could say the same about my point, which I think you missed. I was speaking mostly in regards to the OP and said your situation may well be different. You were assuming the OPs situation was the same as your's, if you didn't tell him he was banned from smoking then your situation is different. If you made it clear it was his choice and he still lied that's very different. Its not ok for him to have lied to her, it's absolutely not ok that your DH lied to you, but OP is saying she's only angry about the lying. You can't ban someone from a behaviour then expect them to believe it's ONLY about the lying.

user1492757084 · 06/11/2024 06:42

Lying is NOT acceptable.
Smoking is unfair to family finances, family health and also to your marriage - why do something that shortens one's life and brings on poor health?

Book your husband in to see a hypnotherapist etc. etc.
Tell him it's a deal breaker now that you have kids
Accept that stopping addiction is very hard and help him seek help.

I don't know how you proceed and trust the guy again though.
If you can't trust him, leave.

JollyZebra · 06/11/2024 07:19

As an ex-smoker I can understand that he won't quit until he's ready. Suggest a vape with a higher nicotine content until he's ready.
I quit with patches, after a week it was easy. At 4 weeks I was forgetting the patch. 15 years and I have never even thought about smoking and wonder why I ever did. Encouragement will do more than an argument.

Sassybooklover · 06/11/2024 07:35

You knew he smoked prior to dating him. Yes, he quit and started vaping but there was always going to be a possibility that he'd relapse. You can't make a grown adult, do something they don't want too. If he decides to quit, it has to be because he wants too. You need a conversation about the lying, because that is not OK. I suspect he lied mainly because he knew what your reaction would be, and he couldn't be arsed with the hassle. He was given many opportunities to come clean, as you mentioned it to him, and he still continued lying. Why? He'd have been better admitting to the truth. No, smoking isn't healthy for you, or your son (or husband). However, until he is ready to completely give up smoking/vaping, there needs to be some compromise. He smokes/vapes outside only. He never smokes/vapes within breathing distance of your son, even if you're all outside. You can emphasis the health risks and also the cost factor, all the money spent on smoking/vaping could be put into a 'holiday fund', something tangible that he can see, to encourage him.

hibeat · 06/11/2024 08:03

It's a medical issue. It's an addiction. It has nothing to do with you. He needs medical attention.

rwalker · 06/11/2024 08:08

I think anyone who think someone will stop because they’ve been told to or pressured into it is stupid or naive at best

he has 2 options
lie
faced a triad of grief and shit

ChateauMargaux · 06/11/2024 08:11

My son has asthma - triggered by the tiniest exposure to chemicals and other things. He is 100% fine in our house and on in day to day life but when my in laws visit, his asthma is triggered, they smoke outside, at the bottom of the garden, often when he is at school, and only 2 or 3 cigarettes per day.. but still... the presence of these micro particles are enough to cause a reaction, even if not always actively wheezing, he becomes grey, lethargic and. not himself.

FWIW, I think stories of the days of everyone's granny smoking and we all survived are not relevant to today, when we are surrounded by many fragrances, chemicals, vapes, fabric softeners, air fresheners, etc which can leave those sensitive to these things, on a knife edge, which the tiniest of things can push them over.

Griff1963 · 06/11/2024 08:22

Hear hear!

Edingril · 06/11/2024 08:26

He is a man so on here that makes him the enemy, but you demanding is not working but according to you it is all on him so leave

Littlesandjoolz · 06/11/2024 10:03

I had 3 boyfriends in a row who pretended they didn't smoke. You are right its the lying, and him not being bothered about your sons health. I would give him a final warning that you won't put up with it.

Tia8 · 06/11/2024 10:27

I totally can understand the lying in a relationship is a no no however in this case it really is minor overall. But I can guarantee if you keep making it like this for him he's going to lie to you about a he'll of a lot more. BTW if you've never been a smoker you don't realise how hard it is to quit and getting pressured to only added extra shame when you can't do it it literally makes you feel so bad so I can bet he is feeling those things especially since trying to hide it to protect you and your kid due to health reasons . Es not ready he problably feels he fets reloef from stress so guess how many more cigarettes hes smoked since you caught him again -yeah probably loads, change the perspective
Don't focus on the lie focus on why he's hiding smoking from you and have the conversation as the "can you just leave it "is him emotionally shutting down . and please try remember he's respected you enough not to smoke around you or in his house be grateful of that.

Charleybarley3344 · 06/11/2024 10:30

Even if you split up he'll still smoke and see your son. It's addictive. Be happy he smokes away from him :) he's lied as he doesn't want to hurt you

Sethera · 06/11/2024 10:32

Its not the smoking I care about, its the lying

It is the smoking you care about, or he wouldn't need to lie about it.

I don't understand why people marry/have children with smokers and then moan about them smoking. If it's that much of a dealbreaker, find a non-smoker to build your life with.

Dinkydo12 · 06/11/2024 10:40

You obviously have never smoked or had an addiction. Being angry isn't going to help you or your DH. It would be better to help him find a way to stop smoking and support him instead of taking the higher moral ground.

Splat92 · 06/11/2024 11:13

As an asthmatic who is highly sensitive to cigarette smoke this would be a dealbreaker to me.

When I was a child my grandfather smoked. He smoked outside and when I would visit my grandmother would air the house for a couple of hours first. Without fail I would end up on a nebuliser at night and ended up not being able to visit them at all. I also couldn't go to locations eg bowling alley where smoking was in the air conditioning for people having smoked previously, even if there weren't any at the time as it would set it off.

Killjoy124 · 06/11/2024 11:30

Everything slowly kills you, even the oxygen you need to stay alive slowly oxidizes your body. He has one small crutch/ pleasure in life and it's not around you or your kids, let the man live

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 06/11/2024 21:13

If you're against it and he gets this kind of behaviour, I'd probably not tell you either, but I'd get my nicotine fix either way 🙂

Hereforaglance · 07/11/2024 11:32

Hate to break it to you he is an adult therefore legally able to make his own decisions quitting smoking is not easy made alot harder by self righteous people who preach about the reasons for not smoking and force them into quitting your attitude is doing more harm than good

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