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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family Visit - Normal to be Ignored.

81 replies

HildegardeofBingen · 02/11/2024 08:26

Visiting younger relative with two small children. Relative is, rightly, very focused on the children.

What I find jarring is that when I come down in the morning

  • relative doesn't say good morning or ask how I slept
-relative doesn't encourage children to say hello They just carry on chatting to the kids, who are wandering about. Their parent is not cross with me. It is just what they do/fail to do/the sort of behaviour they model.

I had a 4 hour car journey to get here, arrived with gifts, played with and looked after children yesterday and slept badly. I have to get through the next 24 hours. I shall now go back down and find stuff to make breakfast with.

OP posts:
121Diet · 02/11/2024 08:28

Can you fake an emergency and go home?

FanofLeaves · 02/11/2024 08:28

Not really sure I can pinpoint an issue other than her being harassed looking after two small children, how old are they? Is it their fault you slept badly? Why is it bad the children were wandering about in their own home.

buttonsB4 · 02/11/2024 08:31

Did they invite you to stay or did you invite yourself?

Changingplace · 02/11/2024 08:31

Did they ignore you when you said good morning? If it’s all very informal I’d not get too upset about them just looking after the kids.

They’ve maybe been trying to keep them quietly entertained so they didn’t wake you too early?

Get some breakfast and a brew, what is the plan for today? Can you all go out somewhere the kids can run around so you can have some time with your relative to chat?

mamajong · 02/11/2024 08:32

Could you not have just said good morning to them.and got the conversation started? In the grand scheme of things is it really that big a deal? It's easy to be distracted when you're looking after small DC, surely it's forgivable?!

sagebomb · 02/11/2024 08:33

Are you expecting to be waited on? Just muck in

Hercisback1 · 02/11/2024 08:34

It's odd neither of you say good morning.

I don't think it's odd the kids don't say anything. Mine wouldn't unless you ask them something specific.

Do you want to be there?

SageBlossomBunny · 02/11/2024 08:35

Who is the relative in relationship to you? Did they invite you?

Do you not start any conversation either or ask how they are?

And yes with small children they become the focus as they don't have an off button and are very full on so I agree just muck in.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 02/11/2024 08:35

People who have two small kids have zero capacity left to look after anyone else. You should be helping her rather than expecting her to accommodate you.

SophiaJ8 · 02/11/2024 08:36

Do you say good morning?

I never ask anyone how they slept.

Sirzy · 02/11/2024 08:37

Did you say good morning or interact with the children? Or did you just expect them all to bow down to you?

SoftandQuiet · 02/11/2024 08:37

Did you expect them to be lined up in matching outfits chiming “Good morning Lady Hildegard” and for breakfast to be laid out in the dining room?

Dishwashersaurous · 02/11/2024 08:40

Assume that you are grandparent come to stay for a few days.

So the idea is that are part of family life, rather than a guest.

People don't always say good morning to the people in their house, so I don't actually think expecting small children to say good morning in this circumstance is normal. You are just there in their house.

And I never ask people how they sleep, because if its bad there is nothing I can do about it and if its good then fine. Its a meaningless pleasantry.

If you don't want to muck in and be part of the family, so suggest you stay elsewhere and therefore it can be more of a guest thing.

Same as if you don't want ro do childcare, say so. Whereas most people would expect the visiting relatives to want to spend as much time with the children as possible

BarbaraHoward · 02/11/2024 08:40

It sounds like you've just been welcomed as part of the family rather than any more formal "hosting". That's lovely and I would take it as a compliment.

Btw - if you're talking about a DIL and your son is up in bed while she's dealing with the kids and her MIL first thing in the morning, then the fault is not with your DIL. Grin

LittleRedYarny · 02/11/2024 08:40

I’ve always been of the opinion that whoever is the one entering the room says hello/good morning/good evening first…

But if you’re unhappy being in their company and home I would leave and let them enjoy their weekend, no one wants a guest who is miserable.

SophiaJ8 · 02/11/2024 08:41

and slept badly.

So you want them to ask how you slept, so you can tell them you slept badly, in their home? Not sure what anyone is supposed to do with this.

Drom · 02/11/2024 08:43

I think you’re being incredibly melodramatic. You’re family, not a foreign dignitary.

BarbaraHoward · 02/11/2024 08:46

SophiaJ8 · 02/11/2024 08:41

and slept badly.

So you want them to ask how you slept, so you can tell them you slept badly, in their home? Not sure what anyone is supposed to do with this.

Yeah exactly, it's a question that puzzles me tbh so I don't often ask it. Most people sleep badly in another house/bed, but it's also pretty rude to tell your guests that you had a bad night's sleep (especially when you're talking to a parent of young children who probably doesn't remember what good sleep is, and who found the time to clear, strip and change the spare bed) so basically everyone knows that the answer is a lie.

Amyknows · 02/11/2024 08:47

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 02/11/2024 08:35

People who have two small kids have zero capacity left to look after anyone else. You should be helping her rather than expecting her to accommodate you.

This, muck in. Did you ask how she slept with two small children?

Original poster
HildegardeofBingen · 02/11/2024 08:47

I said good morning to all 3. No reply or acknowledgement from any of them. The children are quite small but I would expect their parent to model the idea that you respond to people who speak to you. Quite a useful skill in later life. I find it jarring

OP posts:
Tbskejue · 02/11/2024 08:49

The not saying good morning is rude but I’m not sure what else they are doing that’s wrong, can you explain more? Even woth 2 children id expect some conversation and then to ask you things over the visit even if interrupted

Createausername1970 · 02/11/2024 08:49

When you say you were ignored, do you mean you walked into the room and said "Morning, how are you all" to them and they completely blanked you?

It comes across as expectations are misaligned. You are seeing yourself as visitor to be hosted. They are seeing you as family member who will make themselves at home.

Go back downstairs and sort out your breakfast, and ask the mum if two small children if she would like a cup of tea while you are making yours.

Hercisback1 · 02/11/2024 08:49

It's rude if you said it an no one replied.

BarbaraHoward · 02/11/2024 08:50

Go back downstairs and sort out your breakfast, and ask the mum if two small children if she would like a cup of tea while you are making yours.

Excellent advice.

Suspect you're a bit cranky after the bad night's sleep and she's a bit cranky at having to be On first thing in the morning while also dealing with the kids. Once you both warm to the day I'm sure all will be fine.

Womblewife · 02/11/2024 08:52

Go home. You are not being made welcome here, you are being ignored!

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