Family Visit - Normal to be Ignored.

[HildegardeofBingen]

Visiting younger relative with two small children. Relative is, rightly, very focused on the children.

What I find jarring is that when I come down in the morning

• relative doesn't say good morning or ask how I slept

-relative doesn't encourage children to say hello They just carry on chatting to the kids, who are wandering about. Their parent is not cross with me. It is just what they do/fail to do/the sort of behaviour they model.

I had a 4 hour car journey to get here, arrived with gifts, played with and looked after children yesterday and slept badly. I have to get through the next 24 hours. I shall now go back down and find stuff to make breakfast with.

There was no indication in the OP that they weren't welcoming or inclusive.
My mum was obsessed with "good morning" and wanted everyone to take a moment to say this to each other when she arrived downstairs when staying at my house.
I'd been up usually for 2 hours at least with fractious kids trying to keep them quiet. Probably didn't have much sleep. The morning was not good and it didn't feel like "good morning" to me, that was 2 hours ago. The kids couldn't see the point of it either. She always thought they were being rude but they were engrossed in play or whatever.
What purpose does saying " good morning" serve? It's just a greeting, you're staying in my house so I don't need to greet you specifically. I don't greet my DP every morning. Personally I find it odd but recognise I'm in the minority. I do try to remember to say it to DM tbf

I think I would reappear and start to get breakfast for the adults and make some coffee. You tend to pickup if hosts would like this or not. If there’s a frostiness in the air, I’d step back and make an excuse to leave. If there’s a better atmosphere, I would ask what they are doing today. Do they include you in the plans?

I hosted loads of friends and relatives with small children. We always told them about breakfast plans and dc had breakfast with guests. They were not separate.

Would this parent be your DiL by any chance, where's your son in all of this. If he's refused to get up or gone out somewhere and is refusing to do anything for you I wouldn't blame the DiL she's probably seething. And if I'm honest your dislike of her is quite clear.

I'm with the PP who find this bizarre and rude. I cannot imagine not acknowledging someone walking into the room, whether said person was a guest or an immediate family member. My DP and DS would do the same. DS is now 14 but wouldn't have ignored someone even at a very young age and he didn't sleep properly until he was 8 so I'm very familiar with being cranky in the mornings.

I'm actually currently working my notice in a job because of an odd culture and the first thing that raised a red flag for me was that I'd walk in and say good morning and nobody, not even the people sat directly next to me, would look up or acknowledge what I'd said. It was like being in one of those weird dreams where people look right through you. I think PP are underestimating how uncomfortable this can make an atmosphere.

I do actually think it's the height of bad manners and is incredibly rude - I would say good morning even to a guest I was thoroughly pissed off with. I would also probably ask them how they slept and I don't think that's an odd question to ask a guest, even one who was a close family member. I'm shocked at the amount of people on this thread who think it's perfectly OK not to acknowledge someone, especially a guest, walking into a room in any way at all.

OP I'd be making excuses to leave early tbh. Not in a huff but just because I'd feel unwelcome and uncomfortable and I'd want to remove myself from the situation so I could still enjoy the day.

It would make me feel so uncomfortable to be visiting someone and have them totally disregard me. I’m already not completely at ease in someone else’s house and I think that’s the same for most people.
It takes zero effort to say good morning, even if you have children (I have 5, so I do know!) and say e.g. “there’s eggs croissants and cereal… just help yourself”. It’s basic manners and hosting.

I do ask my visitors if they’ve slept well. Mostly it’s a nicety that gets the conversation started, but if someone’s pillow is too thin or their room too warm I can do something about it.

It used to be the norm to want your guests to be comfortable, but this seems to be a vanishing courtesy like so many others.

I agree. Instilling good manners starts from a very young age. I think that parents are so focused on ensuring their kids are constantly entertained and not bored for a single second that they fail to teach them socialisation (including conversational skills and table manners). I recently gave my friend's daughter a book. It was a nice, new book. The child, who is 5, basically snatched it from my hand and ran off. I waited in vain for her mother to tell her to say "thank you ginasevern". At 5 years old I would have been pulled up for not saying "thank you" or "good morning". In fact, it was automatic for me to do so. The lack of conversation and good manners really won't do these kids any favours in the adult world.

It’s difficult to give specific advice without knowing your relationship to the host. But, as a mother of two under 3, I would only invite people who I think don’t need too much hosting to stay. I’d tell them to help themselves to anything they want from the kitchen and then expect them to sort out their meals or eat what I cook for the family. Again, I’d offer a cup of tea if I was making, but would expect them to make one for themselves if they wanted it and, ideally, ask me if I’d like one too.

From someone very close (a grandparent) I’d actually expect some help around the house (light cooking, cleaning their room/bathroom and help with the children). I don’t know if that’s the case here.

I agree it’s very rude that the parent is not acknowledging you when you say good morning. Are they usually like this? Otherwise it seems like you’ve done something to offend them and/or overstayed your welcome.

What PP said. Just leave. Either give a fake reason for needing to get back (e.g. feeling unwell, needing to help a friend out) or just grab your things and go without saying a thing, same way they've been treating you.

How were things yesterday OP? Did you all go to bed in good humour?

People who have two small kids have zero capacity left to look after anyone else.
Why do MN trot this out? having kids means you can be rude and ignore other people?
Having kids isn't an all consuming thing, many of us can continue to be normal functioning adults.

Maybe she had been up at the crack of dawn with the small kids, trying to keep them from making too much noise and feeling a bit frazzled.

Not acknowledging you is very rude. I wouldn't base your stay on this one interaction though, it depends how they are to you the rest of the time. If they (the adults) are that dismissive the rest of the time I wouldn't be rushing to visit again.

I wouldn't bother.
I realise little darlings are the centre of their world,
however, some basic manners do go a long way.
🙄

The parent sounds quite rude. Harassed by kids or not, I presume she can still speak to a person in her home.

I think the fact that the op has posted on mumsnet, rather than maybe ask the relative whether anything is wrong, suggests that she's possibly quite hard work.

If this was me not saying good morning to my MIL it would be because I would already know that I had failed to live up to her standards just by existing so I would be concentrating on keeping the kids quiet so they didn't do something that else that reflected badly on me.

Usually I am a decent host but with MIL I am not because our relationship is irredeemably poor and I have stopped trying to second guess what would be the right thing to do to please her.

Why ask if she slept well when I already know that the bed will be too hard/ room too hot/ curtains not thick enough? Why offer anything for breakfast when it will be wrong (what no oat milk/ Darjeeling/gluten free pastries) If I do buy whatever was right last time it no longer is or is the wrong brand or whatever.

Basically she's gonna judge whatever I do so at least I no longer expend energy in a futile effort to please her.

Of course your circumstances may be entirely different

Not everyone exchanges pleasantries first thing in the morning.

Apart from a different level of manners, you've said there's not been a falling out and if they're not intentionally ignoring you then can choose not to be offended as no offence was intended and get on with the day.

Do you greet them and they ignore you? Or do you come downstairs and wait for people to say good morning and ask how you slept and then get annoyed because they haven't done that?

Asking how you slept is a bit old fashioned to be honest. I don't think younger people do that any more. What are you going to say anyway? Probably "Fine, thanks", even if you didn't get a wink of sleep. It's unlikely that you will say "It was awful. The bed was too hard and I could hear you snoring all night"

Ahem

OP i can't see that you've answered the question, where is your son in all this?
Why is your DIL up early dealing with young children AND being expected to wait on you, where is your son, surely he should be the one taking the primary role hosting you??

I shall now go back down and find stuff to make breakfast with.
Make sure you sigh heavily, maybe sniff a little so everyone knows the arduous task.
Have they hidden the breakfast stuff from you?

I shall now go back down and find stuff to make breakfast with.
Make sure you sigh heavily, maybe sniff a little so everyone knows the arduous task.
Have they hidden the breakfast stuff from you?

Not my daughter in law. It's an issue which comes up intermittently. I don't expect to be waited on. I try to help without interfering. One can love somebody without loving every aspect of their behaviour. It can be tiring to be a good and helpful family member and I do very much value basic minimal politeness, which should - to my mind - only be abandoned in urgent situations.

It really depends on ages of children and normal behaviours. Tiny children take up all the brain space. If they are otherwise normally polite then they probably were just absorbed in the chaos that is young family life and meant nothing by it.
I don't see what making your breakfast has got to do with anything!

Has the basic politeness been otherwise present? Has the visit been otherwise pleasant?

Like I said above, I do think you're right in that it's rude not to say good morning, but I would be cutting your daughter (?) some slack given she's presumably exhausted. Honestly, when I was in those little kids years my mum was mostly just concerned for me rather than worried about my hosting skills. Do you think your daughter is aware of your feelings?