Family Visit - Normal to be Ignored.

[HildegardeofBingen]

Visiting younger relative with two small children. Relative is, rightly, very focused on the children.

What I find jarring is that when I come down in the morning

• relative doesn't say good morning or ask how I slept

-relative doesn't encourage children to say hello They just carry on chatting to the kids, who are wandering about. Their parent is not cross with me. It is just what they do/fail to do/the sort of behaviour they model.

I had a 4 hour car journey to get here, arrived with gifts, played with and looked after children yesterday and slept badly. I have to get through the next 24 hours. I shall now go back down and find stuff to make breakfast with.

Yeah, it is, and I would encourage my three year old to certainly. I only have one to manage though and he’s not shy. Sometimes people aren’t perfect parents all the time constantly looking for lessons and ways to shape their children’s characters though. Maybe she’s just trying to get through the morning.

Absolutely not true. If I have anybody in my house of course I will look after them! I And at the very least say good morning. But have very young kids, but I'm am not royalty and if you raise your kids as though they are the centre of the universe, then they grow up entitled with no manners. They need you to model good behaviour to them throughout their childhood. Such as not ignoring people, and looking after visitors in your home.

The answers on this thread are strange. In reality most people would find this off/rude.

So small children, how small?, who have probably been up for hours trying to be quiet and eating breakfast didn't specifically say good morning?

No one needs to do role modelling over breakfast in their own house, it's generally just survival mode with small children.

If they completely ignored you the whole time you were there that would obviously be horrendous but I do think that you are reading far too much into this one interaction.

How old are the dc? We're you expecting a Von Trapp style greeting?

Oh gosh yes I remember the trying to keep them quiet so as not to wake the friend sleeping in the living room.

And yes my mum still wants to be waited on rather than muck in when she comes over - but she's got a lot of issues and has never really been good so I just learnt to live with it. But yes the waited on thing is odd.

People are so melodramatic about small children. Calling it survival mode is insane. Most adults are capable of saying good morning and being friendly with people in their home. Bring a mother doesn't mean you suddenly can't speak and are constantly overwhelmed and therefore have a get out pass for anything!

Maybe she's not having a good morning
Or maybe she doesn't believe in pointless niceties?

Absolutely. Survival mode is the very worst days. The majority of days you're able to function as a human and interact.

if I’m very comfortable in someone’s presence I won’t often talk much in the morning! I’m not trying to be rude, if this is the only issue I’d let it go.

And people are reflecting the circumstances, breakfast wrangling in their own house where if children are very small no one would have slept well.

That's an entirely different situation from visiting a relative , when child would be expected to be on best behaviour etc, and parenting on best behaviour.

Basically, mumsnet is full of absolutely knackered parents who are trying but know that they can't be perfect parents every single minute, and breakfast in their own house is actually completely OK time for standards not to be as high as normal.

If op had said that they all ignored her for 24 hours responses would be very different.

Yes I think we need more context OP?

I'm finding some (most!) of the replies in here incredibly bizarre to be honest!

What on earth is happening to manners with this current generation of young parents?? If a guest has travelled 4 hours to visit you, then be welcoming and at at the very least say good morning BACK when the same is offered to you ffs!! Ignoring this most basic of greeting when your guest walks in and offers it is beyond rude! It's no effort at all to reply with 'good morning' however 'harassed' you may be with your children!

Those posters who feel this basic courtesy is beyond their capabilities (or requirement!) should have a word with themselves...I'm astonished at your lack of respect!

'Pointless niceties' to reply to a guest saying good morning to you??? Are you for real?? 🤦‍♀️

I never said the adult got a free pass, only that children aren’t performing sealions. Maybe she’s pissed off about something or can tell you’ve got the hump with her, OP.

Whenever I stay at someone’s house I always discuss quickly what they do in the mornings- are they are quick grab and go in terms of breakfast, do they like to have a sit down meal, can I go ahead and make myself a coffee if I’m up early, is there anywhere they have to be at a certain time?

I’d leave.

It takes a nanosecond to acknowledge and greet a person - getting breakfast doesn’t preclude social interaction.

WTF?

It came across as a snapshot of one moment, maybe didn’t even hear you?
Were they welcoming wen you arrived?

Completely agree that saying good morning back to a visitor is a basic courtesy, and I'd like to think I've never failed to do so.

But if I have I guarantee it was when my kids were little and I was exhausted. No one's excusing the mum, just cutting her a little slack.

Get right up in their grill and say good morning so they can't ignore you.

I'd of course say good morning but if I was wrangling say, a 1 year old and a 3 year old, not having slept well myself, I don't think I'd be asking how you'd slept. I find that an odd question in general. I agree with a pp that motherhood isn't the trial some people make it out to be but when I had a baby and a toddler, a visitor having one night of bad sleep after years of being up several times a night wouldn't have massively impressed me, especially if I'd not had a coffee yet.

It’s weird and rude OP.
Is this a Sibling/Friend?
I would go home and not visit again.

If someone didn't say good morning then I'd assume I'd pissed them off or outstayed my welcome. Did you walk in on a row? I wouldn't expect to be waited on hand and foot or be entertained but basic acknowledgement I would expect. I think I'd speak to who ever I felt most comfortable with and ask if things are OK, do they need you to leave. I hopefully wouldn't take it personally (unless they said it was) as its a bit overwhelming at times to manage everything and maybe it's got a bit much.

We were invited to stay with relatives for a couple of days. I had tweens. The host family had teens. My kids were really excited to see their cousins.
Teens didn't even come out of rooms for meals. Took it back upstairs to eat. One teen was having noisy sex with his girlfriend in the middle of the afternoon. I had to take my kids out to the near by park as I didn't want them hearing that.
I offered help, made suggestions of taking everyone out for a meal or a day out. Anything to actually spend time with them. I was told the teens had their lives to lead. It is the same when grandparents visit. I wasn't expecting them to hang around 24/7 but maybe an hour or two of their time would have been nice.
We just don't bother going to see them now.

Unless other things have happened, I think yabu. They didn’t say good morning and ask how you slept is not a reason to judge their parenting.

If I’m focused on the kids and someone is coming in and says good morning, I wouldn’t stop my conversation with my child to say it back especially with young children who are easily distracted. I would give a nod of acknowledgment though. I’d expect you to help yourself and have a seat and then once I was finished talking, I’d say good morning though. Asking you how you slept is not something that I comes to mind. My dad asks that question though but he is the only one I know who does. My in-laws don’t.

Agree you have different expectations. When I was running around after two small kids my mum would treat my house as her own and never expect to be waited on - in fact she’d be making me cups of tea and was always a massive help and brilliant to have around.

My MIL, on the other hand, would come and stay for a week and spend most of her time plonked on the sofa saying “I’ll have a sandwich if you like” or “pop the kettle on, we’ll have a coffee”, regardless of anything else I happened to be doing, how long I’d been up with the children or how knackered I was from working. She was pass agg letting me know I was failing in my hosting duties and should be doing everything for her because she was a guest. Having her and FIL to stay was a massive PITA and a ton of extra work for me.

But the good morning thing is weird, and there’s no excuse for lack of basic manners. Was your relative always this rude?