Please talk me down I am going to lose my shit

[Icantpeopleanymore]

Two SEN kids.

Half term with no break.

I'm a teacher so back on Monday and have a massive list to get through before then.

DD is out of school with EBSA, she won't do anything today, barely washed, just started sobbing as she's too tired and I asked her to take her cups and plates out of her room.

Just managed to get DS off YouTube and doing some Lego, he's having a meltdown because he hasn't got enough brown bricks to build the exact tree he wants to. So YouTube is back on.

I'm so depressed and tired and frustrated and fed up.

The house is a fucking tip and I've got a million DIY jobs to finish and it's all just too overwhelming and even the cat is doing my head in because I honestly think she's got ADHD and is autistic too because she don't stop jumping all over me when I'm trying to sit down for two bloody minutes peace.

Trying to deep breathe but I'm seriously going to lose my shit. Even though it's not their fault and they can't help it. So now I feel guilty too.

Sounds really tough Op.

This won’t help with the practicalities, or your dd not going to school, but I sometimes have to think of staying calm as an achievement/ end in itself. So literally forget everything else and make a cup of tea (other beverages are available) and sit down.

Get a takeaway for dinner if you can afford it.

Let the kids sit on their devices and tackle some clearing up when you’re ready.

My sympathies, OP, that sounds really tough. Half term for the kids but you get no time off at all. Agree with pp that staying calm is an achievement. Do you have a garden? Can you spend a few minutes outside? That always helps me reset. Some days are just really hard and you have to wait for them to pass. If you can get a few moments of breathing and relaxation in then that is a huge win.

Part of me feels that way but it's really not helpful. She's autistic and has Ehlers-danlos, we had a busy day yesterday and that makes her completely exhausted the next day or sometimes up to a week. She can't function. DS struggles with perfectionism. He knows what he wants to achieve but if it doesn't work he loses it. Same as DD, exhausted after a busy people filled day yesterday.

They can't function at school, DS barely keeps it together and then he loses it at home because he's masking. DD cannot function at school. She's not been in over a month.

I worry enough about what their futures look like thank you. Which is why I'm completely overwhelmed and I'm losing all hope, because they depend on me for everything. But thanks for the helpful input.

Thanks. Yep, having a few minutes to myself is helping.
I'm going to have a coffee, make dome lunch, put a podcast on and start again.

I get a break this weekend when they're with their dad, I know I'll get fallout from the weekend as they're going to stay with him and his girlfriend for the first time and it's all new, so they'll mask it all until they're home, so I need to get some strength for that.

I get it. Single mum to sen child and half term juggling here too. I'm a lecturer and it's all deadlines just now. Feeling stressed from all angles.

Trying to just relax about things as best I can. We're doing our best.

Oh OP this sounds so tough 💐

Don't lose your shit. It sounds like you're an incredible mother and your kids are lucky to have you, even if they don't understand that yet 😂 Can you meet DD halfway and ask her to pop the bits outside her door for you to run down? The 'SEN is bad behaviour' mob would be outraged but it may cause less hassle and she's contributing a bit! Hang on, you can make it to the weekend. I'm rooting for you!

I do. It's a mess and I hate looking at it because I just can't keep on top of it. Paddling pool is still up from the summer. I used to run and I loved it, mainly because they can't chase me. But I get no time without them now and if I do there's always so much to do at home that I don't go, plus I'm so exhausted and fat and out of shape now. I need to try to get into it again, it really helped.

Ooof. I feel your pain. Sounds bloody exhausting. No advice really sorry. Just felt your post kick me in the guts and didn’t want to read and run. Hug.

Yep I've asked her to. She's Autistic and I think PDA, requests have to be gently suggested and I lost it a bit with her because she stared at me like I was a piece of shit for asking her to bring down plates. She won't eat in front of people so I have to let her eat in her room when she's really bad.

She's clearly struggling leave the girl alone! No one chooses to find these things hard

I think the cat is sensing your distress and wants to calm you down. I feel for you and hope you recover over the weekend. Just the mental exhaustion of kids is relentless.

I’m getting my break now and had that cracking feeling where you can’t do it anymore, it’s starting to dissolve. I wish the same for you. Enjoy your weekend 🫶🏻

Teacher here and I feel your pain. It's been such a long term that I just want to flop. However I have three kids and all the jobs that have mounted up over the term to tackle. My advice? Let the kids go on screens for a set time and try and get the house back to normal in that time. Then go out for a walk and come back and tackle work jobs. Make them go to bed early tonight and plan something nice for you.

Can you make a timetable or rota and break things up into small blocks of time? This means you all know what to expect and there is a time limit on each section to make it more manageable.

You could try a list of house rules and jobs you are all responsible for, maybe look at a reward if you complete all the tasks like a nice takeaway or more screen time uninterrupted when the less desirable chores are done?

If your daughter is at school the rest of the week and finds it exhausting then you are probably fighting a losing battle getting her to get up and go and do something out of the house, I would suggest encouraging her to help with jobs around the house but if she wants to spend the rest of the time in her room and it’s giving you a break as well then don’t fight it. Like pp mention though don’t let SEN be an excuse to let you do everything.

Is your cat an indoor cat or can you let it out? Mine does my head in sometimes so I put him out to get some peace and quiet.

Tackle what you can today then reward yourself with something like a nice hot bath with candles and wine, I have a wooden bath caddy I put my iPad on and watch a film or tv in peace sometimes, I stay in the bath for hours as it’s easier to relax once you are in one place uninterrupted.

No advice about your son and the Lego I’m afraid unless you suggest he builds something different and make it sound like a challenge if this is something he’d go for? If not then just leave him in front of YouTube, it’s not harming him to have extra time on it if he’s content.

You can get through this it’s just a matter of not letting it all overwhelm you. It sounds tough though and I’m not surprised things have got on top of you today, try not to feel guilty you are doing your best and that’s all you can do, you won’t be the only one feeling this way during half term xx

Apart from the Mum guilt, will there be any repercussions of letting the kids do what they want for an hour or 2? Sounds like YouTube for one, and hibernating for the other. Let them do that, have sonething to eat, and set yourself a timer (say an hour) to get sonething off your todo list.
Then another break, and another hour.
It will still only be 5. You can try and do something with the kids then, or just order a take away.
Over the weekend, I think you need to schedule some "you time" as well as chores and work.
The going for a walk, with the aim of starting sonething like couch 2 5k in a bit sounds like one possible. But watching crap TV, reading a book, or going out for a coffee are also valid suggestions.

You need to look after yourself as well as everything else.

I lost my shit at my teens yesterday. 17 (nearly 18) and 16. Both ND.

I work 16 hours days. I barely sleep. I had to call police before we even opened yesterday because some little cretin decided to go for me because I dared ask him not to park in our car park without asking.
DH is a wanker, I'm this close (imagine two very close together fingers) to throwing him out. My accountant has fucked up and we're about to be taken to court for council tax he was meant to sort out. DLA forgot to action our change of address so stopped DS' DLA, so I called today because I sent the form back they wanted 4 weeks ago and they had yet to fucking press a button. My postmix machine went bang last night for the third time.

By 8.30 last night, I was shattered, hungry, and pissed off. Go upstairs for a five minute break, flat is a tip. No milk. No bread. Washing up everywhere. Clothes everywhere. Rubbish not taken to the bins.

That was the final straw
One of my regulars reckoned he heard me downstairs (but fully supported me).

I took their bloody phones that I pay for, and said this gets done or I will keep these bastard phones. And homework could be done on my computer in the bar, which is a)old as feck and b) they won't want to be in a noisy bar

I went up at 11.30 and they'd done the washing up, the rubbish, the washing was started, and one of them had vacuumed. I got a cup of coffee brought down to the bar before closing and they walked to the supermarket for milk and bread

Sometimes all you can do is tell them what for.

My DH is still a wanker regardless but that I'm making plans about.

Yanbu at all, anyone would be over their limit with what's going on. I would say with your DD, it's fair enough that she's allowed to eat in her room if she finds it hard eating downstairs, however it has to be with the condition that her pots have to be brought down afterwards, I don't think that's too much to ask of anyone.

OP I'm a lone parent of DD15 with AuDHD PDA.

Yes it's bloody exhausting I work full time too.

I think the biggest challenge is trying to take care of yourself and getting them on a more self care path.

Often DD was like Stig of the dump, hated the changes her body was going through too etc. periods were a battle. But with encouragement she has taken control of her room and her self care and having a bath almost everyday is like her decompression time now.

Can you please get out the house this weekend, go for a long walk, have coffee with a friend. You matter too!

How old is DD? Honestly, I'd just take the plates out her room, let them do what they want (within reason) for a couple of days) and save the life lessons for another day.

Thank you all so much. (Well not all, quite frankly @ZippyDenimBear you can fuck off unless you'd like to take my children for a few days and then see how you get on as you apparently have all the answers, you'd be doing a drive by drop off and screeching into the sunset in less than 24 hrs I guarantee it)

I'm having a little sob into my pot noodle because I'd also realised I hadn't eaten yet so that wasn't helping.

I don't have any friends unfortunately, not anyone I could meet up with, they all disappear pretty fucking quickly after divorce and SEN kids who can't join in with anything consistently.

Yes DH was shit, he did nothing and was also ND so it was like having another child, I'm glad I'm not doing that anymore. He's someone else's problem now 😂🎉

I am seeing my partner tomorrow night, we don't live together because of the kids and because I love him but I will never live with another man but we have something fun planned. I know I'm struggling because although I'm looking forward to it I'm also starting to feel like I can't go and that I should just hibernate myself.

Lots of good suggestions though thank you. Feeling calmer now. Will clean and tidy to a podcast for a bit and let the kids do as they like for a bit.

Can you afford to get someone in to do some of the DIY - pick one thing that would really improve matters and get it done by someone else?

I am sorry,Icantpeopleanymore, life is just like that sometimes.

Could you afford a cleaner? Even fortnightly would be a big help. Think about it.

Op please don't feel alone. I have 3 dc, 1 of whom is SEN and she sounds very similar to your dd (also no school with EBSA too). Just be kind to yourself. If they spend all day on YouTube nothing awful is going to happen. Tomorrow will still come, regardless. Ignore Pps talking about using asd as an excuse. I know precisely the plate removing scenario you are talking about and the hell that could be let loose if you'd pressed it too much.

I hear you op, I’m also a teacher so back on Monday. I have 3 dcs and they are very full-on all the time. They all get up at the crack of dawn everyday , even the teenager. It’s all really really wearing tbh . I love them so much but weirdly I don’t find it magically easier now they are older and get so sick of being assuming that . I have a great dh but we are both exhausted and snappy , we both have totally hands off families, in fact there’s serious issues such an alcoholism in his so yeah…. Zero help or support.. no nice aunties or uncles to take them out for an hour or ever.
If I were you make sure you rest when they are at their dads, maybe a nice bath or good movie . It won’t solve any problems but it will help . Peace to you op

Sending you strength. Though my kids don’t have SEN, and are older now, I’ve been there many times. Stood at the back door, deep yoga breathing, in my case while having a fag. I used to be out a lot of the day when off with them, as being at home was often hell, I’d never get anything done anyway and the house would end up even more of a mess.

Kids at their most challenging can make you feel insane. And exhausted. And you’re a teacher too, with the level of demands and stress that can make anyone feel insane. While teenagers bring their own challenges, it will get easier.