Please talk me down I am going to lose my shit

[Icantpeopleanymore]

Two SEN kids.

Half term with no break.

I'm a teacher so back on Monday and have a massive list to get through before then.

DD is out of school with EBSA, she won't do anything today, barely washed, just started sobbing as she's too tired and I asked her to take her cups and plates out of her room.

Just managed to get DS off YouTube and doing some Lego, he's having a meltdown because he hasn't got enough brown bricks to build the exact tree he wants to. So YouTube is back on.

I'm so depressed and tired and frustrated and fed up.

The house is a fucking tip and I've got a million DIY jobs to finish and it's all just too overwhelming and even the cat is doing my head in because I honestly think she's got ADHD and is autistic too because she don't stop jumping all over me when I'm trying to sit down for two bloody minutes peace.

Trying to deep breathe but I'm seriously going to lose my shit. Even though it's not their fault and they can't help it. So now I feel guilty too.

I think you sound amazing.

Yeah, this.

Honestly, she might just be too fatigued to bring down plates if she had a busy day yesterday. (I've learned not to try to push it too hard as i have HSD borderline EDS and autism. )

Give yourself a break. You are doing so much and coping with so much.

I hope you manage to feel better and enjoy your time with your partner, op.

I take my hat off to teachers. I work in a school office and was also an early years TA. I don’t know how teachers stay sane.

I’d just let them laze around if that’s what they want.

Solidarity over here OP.

ASD PDA and EBSA, possibly EDS. We went to York on Wednesay and have gone from thoroughly seeing it as a pleasure to support a wonderful child in ways that they need and having an unlimited understanding to struggling and wanting to scream into a pillow.

The holidays are just brutal.

DS spent all Friday saying I'm soooo hungry, pinkins mom. I've no idea what pinkins are, it was just meltdown after meltdown of me presenting the wrong thing because he wouldn't eat anything that wasn't pinkins even though nobody could work out what they were, and his feet and legs hurt too much to keep standing in the kitchen to help me figure it out. Had less than helpful family stood in earshot going "are you starving love? Is she starving you? Aw" which was probably intended to be a commiseration to DS but just made me feel absolutely awful that he was hungry and there wasn't anything I could offer that he would eat.

Go easy on yourself. You're doing your best. Your best is enough. You can't stop every tear, and you can't please every one all the time. Some days screen time just has to be unlimited to protect your sanity.

Big hugs to all the mums of SEN kids xxxx

Sometimes its worth screaming into a pillow. Seriously, you’re a hero for doing all that you do!

I feel you. Trying to get my autistic girl to put a brush through her hair this half-term has alone nearly fully sapped my will to live. Bath? I have to run it and hand her the soap and brush, and wash her hair, or she won't do it. And I have to prepare her for ages and usually bribe her to get her in. Getting dressed afterwards can take her an hour.

You never anticipate still having to do this stuff when they're 15. And there are no signs she is ever willingly going to do any of it.

And breathe.

Rest this weekend. You need to recharge before school. It's another long half term and Christmas holidays are busier than others.

DDs eds might improve a bit once she is through hormonal changes. (If it's hEDS )

I feel your pain my friend and I also feel my cat is autistic I actually thought I was the only one.

Either that or it is learnt behaviour from the autistic members of our household ffs!

Sending energy your way

Thank you all again. I agree, it boils my piss when people (an ex teacher @ZippyDenimBear , thank fuck! I know you're trying to help but it's teachers like you with limited understanding of what SEN is that make my children's lives more difficult, I'm sorry but it is) but when people don't understand that it's not a line. Some days DD can manage to tidy her room, bring plates down, eat with us, eat out, enjoy a meal with people, heck, even order her own food, but done days she can't even speak she's so overwhelmed and exhausted.

It's not a line, she has a profile, I still really don't understand most of it, but communication, social situations, self care, reacting to demands, it's all difficult, but she fits in, she does her best, so I have to let her do nothing sometimes.

But just because I know that, doesn't make it any easier. We've had rough patches before and she takes it out on me. Currently she's going through being socially excluded at school by the only friends who could help her navigate the school day and it makes my heart break to see her like this, I've been on high alert for weeks and I think it's catching up with me.

If I were to make her bring her plates down, it would go one of two ways: she would either flat refused, or if I pushed it, she would hurt me. Physically. Wouldn't matter how tired she was, how much pain she was in, she would find the strength and the anger to hit, bite, kick and scratch me. Or she'd go into meltdown, breaking things, screaming, hyperventilating, sobbing and eventually crashing into a heap for several hours, not able to move.

That's the reality of a 14 year old who masks her autism, is highly intelligent, creative, kind, funny, clever, a lovely sibling to her 9 year old brother, but who cannot cope with a single demand when she's having a bad day.

Her brother is starting to do the same, can be non verbal, lays on the floor, goes rigid and cries and smashes things (mostly lego at least) when things are going exactly as he needs them to. At school he's clever, funny, a good friend, he's intelligent, knows all the facts about animals you could ever want to hear (or not!), but he hides it all for everyone but me.

Consequences don't work, star charts and rewards don't work. Trust me I've tried everything.

So yeah, I do everything. It's shit.

I don't have it as hard as some, I can't imagine having a child who is mostly non verbal, it must be so hard...but they are overlooked because most people they meet think well they're fine, they make eye contact and can read and write.

I wish it were that simple. I'm just on high alert all the time, I'm hyper vigilant for every stressor, every situation that might cause them pain. I do make them so things they don't want to do, I try to let them experience disappointment, and the word no, but it can only be done sometimes.

I'm feeling calmer now, the most urgent thing was clearing up the mountain of Lego I kept stepping on and tripping over, I've done that and I've emptied the dishwasher. DS managed to make something we lose in Lego he was happy with and is now watching shite on YouTube, DD has surfaced for a bath and is getting stuff ready for her dad's, where she will probably be a model child 🤷

I've cried a bit, I just worry about tomorrow, the future, all of it. I'll be expecting a phone call all weekend that they're not coping with the new environment at their dad's girlfriends house and that she's bringing them back, but hopefully that won't happen.

I'll go into DDs room tomorrow when she's not there and stop it being the site zero for the new strain of COVID tomorrow briefly, all I can do.

That'll do for now. Just have to actually get some school work done when they finally go to sleep at some point tonight (usually around 11pm, with about eleventy billion requests for less itchy sheets/socks/pjs, a specific part of a story on repeat, a noise from a plug thats being weird, or a random owl outside to stop, a drink, more food, etc..) and then I'll drink too much wine and be up at the arse crack of never with a hangover because apparently the little fuckers don't need any sleep to do it all again.

But thank you for the solidarity, it helps.

Hi OP. I just wanted to say you sound amazing. I'm sorry it's tough for you at the minute, but hopefully you'll recharge when you see your partner and feel better.

sympathies OP. I have an ebsa child.

How do you cope teaching when she is at home? must be bloody tough

I would just completely let go - let the kids watch tv - perhaps find a movie rather than youtube (sometimes that just makes me feel its more mindful! ) -

holidays are shit for lots of reasons - I always think it's only the privileged who would want longer school holidays - if you are skint, struggling, have children who find life hard, can't afford days out, kids can't cope with days out - then holidays suck.

I really feel for you OP. It sounds so hard. You are doing your best. They will be back in a routine again next week. Hang in there

I totally understand OP, two children with autism and an useless ex husband who does nothing for them. Life is so shit sometimes😔

As a parent, you’ve already achieved so much by providing a safe and loving environment for your children, especially when things feel this intense. They are safe, and you’re there for them in all the ways that matter most.

Now, try to give yourself the same care and patience you’re showing them. You don’t have to tackle everything at once, and it’s okay to put some of it aside for now. Consider making a gentle plan for tomorrow (Saturday) and Sunday that includes time for yourself as a priority. Maybe one day could be just for you—whether that means reading in the bath, binge-watching something comforting, or just resting without pressure. The other day, choose only a few manageable tasks—maybe one or two DIY jobs or a bit of tidying—and let that be enough.

Remember, you’re doing an incredible job under challenging circumstances. Taking even a little time for yourself is not just okay; it’s essential. Hang in there, and be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else.

Hi. I have a daughter with PDA. She is an adult now and has moved out - she has a boyfriend and a job! She never did a single chore when she lived here. No homework. And of course people judged me. But they weren't living with someone with PDA!!

My daughter had an official diagnosis of PDA and I managed to get her an ehc plan and a place at a school she could cope with. Her primary school thought I was crazy, that I would never do it. She masked at school and let it all out at home.

Anyway, see what you can find online or in your area for parents of ASD, particularly PDA, kids. No one else understands and are likely to give you inappropriate advice and make you feel worse.

Is there any chance you could be asd too? I realised as my daughter was being diagnosed that I ticked all the boxes too. I also have an adhd type profile and find sticking to routines, planning etc really difficult. Just a thought xx

You have my sympathy OP, we are a family with special needs DC. I get it and relate to every thing you said (other than being a teacher)

I hope you have a lovely time with your DP 🤗

@Arran2024 thank you, it's so nice to hear about your DD. I can see progress for her sometimes, but days like this it's hard. It's nice to hear about adults who are doing well.

Unfortunately her diagnosis came too late to help her with school and she refuses all offers of help. I'd planned a few hours at an animal sanctuary today where they have volunteers to maybe help her make some new friends, but she just couldn't. I plan things all the time and she just refuses, it's so hard, I just have to let her choose her own path. Sometimes she chooses things she knows will help, like today having a bath was a really good choice, but sometimes it's restricted eating and SH.

I definitely think I could have ADHD and be autistic, I struggle with people, although I love social things I can't cope for long without drinking and I get very tired, I struggle with noise, planning, routine...I think being in school helps as the day is planned for me, I find the holiday hard. I procrastinate a lot and find starting task hard, I take on information really well though and I've got an excellent memory,...I've started noticing it all post menopause. I struggled with school too but I moved around a lot for thought it was that. Also since DD was diagnosed with hyper mobility I've realised a lot of the pain and fatigue I have is probably due to that. Struggling mostly with skin picking at the moment, because I'm exhausted and anxious.

I probably would get a diagnosis if I tried but I can't face it at the moment, I'm still waiting on DS to be assessed (although 99% sure he is, been waiting 3 years and they've said wait another 2.5...)

It's just endless. Paperwork, form filling, meetings. Just trying to get DD help is full time at the moment.

I'm feeling calmer now, the most urgent thing was clearing up the mountain of Lego I kept stepping on and tripping over

Lego is absolute torture. I wish my kid was the kind of kid that liked to keep everything in neat little boxes of organised colours shapes and sizes but instead he revels in chaos, and sadly, loves lego.

His uncle came in all jolly the other day and said "I've bought him a lego advent calendar" and I said thank you so much whilst stifling tears back because if I stand on one more bastard lego piece you'll be reading about me on the 10pm news, on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper, and I'll have 5 posts about me on mumsnet all arguing for or against my actions.

If someone gets DS lego for Christmas they should also buy me an annual unlimited subscription to a rage room and be willing to provide last minute short notice babysitting.

So you've really got my sympathies OP. I think all people who have to suffer the secondhand effects of lego should be permitted to travel to the highest peak on the tallest hill and given a megaphone to just scream into.

I found dropping stuff that didn't really matter helpful. Lockdown let me realise how much I was doing for no real point.

My daughter has hypermobility too. She dislocates something every other week. This week it's a finger. So I do sympathise.

Apparently people with adhd can do really well at school, college, uni etc because of the structure. It is when there is no structure that things collapse

My DD (ASD) is exactly the same. She also need to eat in her room and never brings plates down. She has finally managed to communicate to me that she finds the used plates and glasses disgusting to touch. So even though it drives me up the wall I grit my teeth and do that for her. It's removed a flash point for us.

@Icantpeopleanymore
In all kindness and with zero judgement - don't fall into the habit of drinking to make life bearable.

Is there anything else you could do when/ if you have a few minutes in the evening?
Meditation?
Give your nails some attention?
A face mask or foot bath?

That's a breakthrough I guess! I hadn't considered that, I'll think about that, could be part of the issue. It's like getting blood out of a stone with her though.