Please talk me down I am going to lose my shit

[Icantpeopleanymore]

Two SEN kids.

Half term with no break.

I'm a teacher so back on Monday and have a massive list to get through before then.

DD is out of school with EBSA, she won't do anything today, barely washed, just started sobbing as she's too tired and I asked her to take her cups and plates out of her room.

Just managed to get DS off YouTube and doing some Lego, he's having a meltdown because he hasn't got enough brown bricks to build the exact tree he wants to. So YouTube is back on.

I'm so depressed and tired and frustrated and fed up.

The house is a fucking tip and I've got a million DIY jobs to finish and it's all just too overwhelming and even the cat is doing my head in because I honestly think she's got ADHD and is autistic too because she don't stop jumping all over me when I'm trying to sit down for two bloody minutes peace.

Trying to deep breathe but I'm seriously going to lose my shit. Even though it's not their fault and they can't help it. So now I feel guilty too.

@ZippyDenimBear , I’ve been a teacher for years , ironically working wing challenging children and I’m hot on consequences, great at behavioural management. Guess what ! It doesn’t fckn work with one of mine. I made him empty the dishwasher yesterday and he argued about it for almost an hour , then he started giving out while doing it -this happens every.single.time. I give him swift consequences and guess what it doesn’t work , he does he exact same thing the next time etc etc etc . I still persevere but yesterday it caused me so much stress dealing with him again, I had heart palpitations and felt appalling…

Been there. There’s really no miracle help.

Find solace and pleasure in the small things. Try to declutter and uncomplicate schedule. Don’t try to be a hero.

Try not to care about what other people think/judge. Block them out.

Read, podcasts, audio books … take pleasure in small creative things. Wander Homesense … and laugh at the ridiculous decorations.

No good advice to give but you’re doing amazing, you’ll be ok, and ignore anyone who is passing judgement without walking in your shoes ❤️❤️❤️

What is your arrangement re school holidays etc with XP?

My X and I aren't teachers but I pushed for him to cover 50% of all school holidays etc. At first he say all teh time off school as my issue and I quickly made him aware that it was OUR issue. If he doesnt have enough holiday time to cover then he paid for and made arrangmetns for his time.

Being a single parent is really ahrd work and this arrangement quickly improved my life and my time to recover dramatically.

If you can do this with your X this will give you a bit more of a break.

I'm a former year 5/6 teacher with three of my own so I identify with everything you say.

I just think that saying children cannot bring their own dishes down due to SEN is nonsense. Its a fight but they dont go on anything until thats done. Takes 5 mins. I stand by what I said in my post. I'm sick of SEN being used an excuse for every thing. We are not doing these children any favours here and I weep for the future, I really do.

I do feel sorry for the op, I really do, which is part of the reason I posted.

I get in a pickle at times too, but she shouldn't be doing everything on her own.

It’s half term . Put on a movie, poor a cup of tea/coffee - some snacks and all just chill out together .
whats holidays are for .

Our half term was earlier in the month but even by then the kids were all knackered. The week before I'd look at them coming out of school and they all looked tired. Let them just rest, is a couple of days of films, video games and lounging about in PJs going to cause any real harm.

Let them loaf about doing their thing while you get on with doing yours.

I think today is one of those days you’ve just got to say fuck it.
Let them watch tv, YouTube, have some time for yourself ( sans cat if possible) and tidy up one small bit later on.
I can empathise with your dd, I’ve got fibro and CFS. Bloody hell the pain today is awful, I can only hobble. I’m stretched out on my bed and the cleaning, ironing , dog walking and everything else will just have to wait til the pain goes. I hope your dd will feel a bit better soon.

I get you op (unlike those who believe you can simply ‘make’ ASD/ADHD/PDA kids do anything). I took mine out this morning but in the couple of hours we’ve been home my house looks like a tazmanian devil or five tore through it. My ex also has (undiagnosed but very evident) autism and the reason why I will never live with an adult ever again, but does have them overnight so I get a break. There’s about 4 screens running right now but if it means I can have a coffee in peace so be it. I’ve also bribed them with Maccies tonight if they manage not to send themselves/each other/me utterly round the bend before bath time.

These days are hard for the kids and for us as parents of SEN children. And it’s no help saying ‘better times will come’, we know this will be a lifetime of ups and downs. So don’t beat yourself up about any of it x

For a minute I thought i posted
Two sen kids one esba (but currently pushing through) house a tip autistic cat 😂

The cat is anxious because you are anxious they are trying to soothe you

Esba and eds is tough as hell but ground rules are plates etc must be down daily or no food is taken upstairs I get it (sometimes at midnight) but I get it down sometimes I offer to help out bringing stuff down as an encouragement

I have enough lego to sink a small ship it's never enough

Solidarity OP. I would honestly just say fuck it today and let the kids stay on youtube/in their rooms. You won't all get dysentery if you leave the dirty plates for another day. You are staying calm and that in itself is an achievement. You clearly have a lot on your plate so don't beat yourself up. Some days we all just have to take the path of least resistance and just focus on staying calm. Today is one of those days for you and it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Yes, this is good advice. That’s what’s helped keep me going. A spray of nice perfume. A cup of a fave herbal tea. Watching a blue tit in the garden. Little ritual routines. Thinking of all the things I’m grateful for when I wake up, rather than my never-ending ‘to do’ list. I usually listen to the radio when in the kitchen (5 live and 6 music), which can really keep me sane and less alone as a lone parent.

And us sen parents are sick of the ignorance from people like yourself who haven’t got a clue. Not a single one. My child never cognitively developed beyond 18 months/2 years old, hasn’t got a clue what ‘bring down your cup from last night’s bedtime drink’ would mean. Arrested development of the brain isn’t some excuse for laziness, though lack of comprehension is a choice in some evidently (whatever their previous career was).

That's not the level of SEN we're discussing here, is it?

Sorry to hear you're dealing with that.

There isn’t a level of sen/autism. Thats the equivalent of saying ‘the spectrum is a line from managing fine to severe’. Every person diagnosed with autism is affected differently, and many with what used to be called ‘high functioning autism’ struggle greatly with executive functioning skills, which means anything from washing themselves to simply picking up a cup/plate and bringing it downstairs.

In exactly the same boat as you op. Having SEN children can be so overwhelming and exhausting at times. When I feel overwhelmed I tend to put the tv on for the kids and have a quick, warm shower to feel refreshed before prioritising jobs and getting the most important one done. One step at a time. You got this.

OP, ignore the "SEN is no excuse" people - PDA and EDS is a lot to deal with, especially after a day out yesterday. Look after yourself (especially today)
Do everything you can to ease your burden around the house - a cleaner once a fortnight has been a godsend for me, is there an odd job person advertising on local Facebook groups?
Sending hugs.

Well said.
It must be extremely difficult and hats off to these parents who manage nowadays.
🍀
Just to add about "masking", where I grew up, in the 80s and 90s, (I'm referring to autism, Asperger's etc.), kids had to "mask" constantly, at home or at school.
If anyone fell out of the line, adults would mock, ostracize and ridicule you, some parents would refuse to feed their kids as a punishment and brutal physical stuff would follow in some cases.
I have Asperger's and was "fortunate" enough to be able to perform and just quietly observe.
Former Communist Czechoslovakia.
I just regret that most of these adults are unfortunately dead, without ever getting their comeuppance.
Bastards.

Been there. PDA is awful.
Leaving plates in rooms is frustrating but is it really the hill you are going to choose to die on.
They are fed, warm and safe.
The house won't fall down for being a mess.
Give yourself a big hug, have a bath and go do something nice for yourself.
Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better one x

Please share your SEN level chart so we can be sure we are calibrating SEN to levels you understand.

SEN plus holidays is just a nightmare. I’m so ready for Monday at this point.

In purely practical terms, if she will only eat alone in her room can you pop an empty washing up bowl in there so she can put the dishes in it?

YouTube is a perfectly acceptable parenting resource!!

Go outside

Now just go

Solidarity OP, ASD and PDA in our house too, and it is just exhausting, even without having to deal with the Muppets who thinks you can fix neuro divergence and mental health problems by "just making them do it"!

Would definitely second the advice to leave them to it for now and go do one or two nice things for yourself.

My SEN child can bring things downstairs of course, but it needs a totally different approach, reminders etc to a non SEN child.

Getting cross or giving strict consequences doesn’t work. Incentives can work (which can often just be consequences re worked - so “you can have x if you do y”, rather than “ you can’t have x if you don’t do y”). If you do consequences they need to be clearly spelled out at a time proximate to the thing you want to happen/ not happen.

Explanations as to why something is important work best with my DS. It was the same for me when I was little! It might seem obvious to an adult but not to a child.

But they’re all different! Because my child can do something it doesn’t mean someone else’s can.

Agree with all this too!