Sharing a room is a 'sign of poverty'?

[DesTeeny]

A close friend has said that sharing a room as children is a sign of poverty.

AIBU to think this just isn't true?

Context: We have the opportunity to be mortgage free in a 3 bed house through inheritance, our two DC (3 & 1 both girls) will share a room and we will keep a spare room.

Spare room is for family/friends visiting as we have no nearby relatives so we have people to stay often but will be used as a 'break out' room for DC if they need space. We will set it up with a desk for homework, and a day bed to read and relax on, but it is quite a small box room so it seemed sensible to have DC share a very large room (15*13ft) rather than one DC have a huge room and one have a tiny one.

The room is big enough for a day bed so for example my Mum will be able to stay, or our nieces and nephews on a day bed and a pull out, but other than a desk and a day bed there's no room for anything else.

The alternative was that we use the inheritance to take out a mortgage on a 4+ bed house, but we don't see the point as the house we have is a large 3 bed and will suit our needs entirely (from our perspective).

However, close friend has said that sharing a room is a "sign of poverty" and can't believe we're even considering it when we could have a larger house with a mortgage.

I think children should have a private space to sleep and hang out and ensuring they have their own bedroom is part of the basics of parenting. I think it should be a consideration as part of whether you can afford an extra child tbh.

I’m a social scientist. I think when looking at the overall picture, it being necessary to share a room with one or more family members, yes, would be considered part of a picture that would categorise people as being more disadvantaged.

That’s not what you’re doing though. You’re choosing for your dc to share a room, so you have the luxury of a spare room. That’s not at all the same thing. That said, as they get older, you likely will realise the value of separate bedrooms over having a guest room, but you can cross that bridge when you get there.

I think YANBU and why would your friend say that to you? She doesn't sound very nice. I'd just start with them sharing then wait and see. There are lots of options eg stud wall or bunk beds in the big room, one gets front room as bedroom and one gets big bedroom (when much older). Front room becomes your bedroom and DC get a big bedroom each... etc.

I would assume that at some point your DC won't want to share though but until you get to that point, you don't need to worry. You can always save a bit for stamp duty etc in the meantime and potentially swap the house for one with 2 equal size bedrooms if it comes to it.

Currently my nieces (9 and 7) share a room as they prefer it. They have enough space in their house for a room each.

I guess, DC sharing a room could theoretically be one of a range of factors that might indicate poverty (eg multiple children in one room or children of inappropriate age/sex sharing) but in itself it doesn't imo - there are lots of other factors. You're mortgage free and have a decent sized 3 bed so definitely not in poverty!

Your plan sounds fine for now. You will very likely need to re-assess in ten years. Nothing wrong with that.

A very strange thing for your friend to say, regardless.

I shared a bedroom with one of my sisters until I went to university. It wasn't uncommon. It didn't mean "disadvantage". It was a place to sleep. We did our homework downstairs using the table, and when we had friends round we entertained them downstairs. No problem.

So you'd put one child in a large double room and one in a small box room?

Thats not ideal either, is it?

Regardless of that - no, sharing a room is absolutely not an indicator of poverty, how ridiculous.

I'd agree that at their ages they probably love sharing, and it makes sense to have a set up for family to stay as they don't love nearby.

As they get older though they may benefit from their own rooms.

What is the layout of the house? Could you move a wall to make the two bedrooms of more equal size?

Absolute tosh!

Your ‘friend’ is just jealous you’ve inherited a large property.

If, the four of you were sharing a bedroom, then yes your children would be in poverty. That is clearly not the case here.

I think your friend is being unreasonable but I also think you’re perhaps not really thinking about the future when your very small children would be much bigger.

I wouldn’t prioritise a guest room over the children having their own space but if the 3rd room is very small I would be thinking quite carefully about whether your house will have enough space once they grow. You have the choice which a lot of people don’t - you might be very happy with that but while you have the option to think about all options, it’s important you try and picture your kids at 8 and 10 or 14 and 16 and how their needs will change.

Your friend has lost the plot. Sharing means no such thing.
You are being financially very sensible. She's being a snob.

I think that your plan is perfectly reasonable and your friend is weird.

Yes I would

One of my DC has a very large room with a king-sized bed, and the other has a smaller room with a single bed. The DC with the large bed understands that when guests come, this is the room that gets used. DCs swapped rooms 3 years ago, and will swap over again this summer. I understand that it is important to have a place for guests to stay, however I don’t prioritise having an empty guest room 99% of the time over my DCs having their own space most of the time.

You're only thinking about the now with tiny DC. What about 5 years from now? 10 years from now? And so on.

The mere mention of inheritance brings out the green-eyed monsters. You do what suits you OP

Just don’t listen to random friends spouting shite.

I think the people who think sharing a room is poverty probably feel a executive new build & brand new car on the drive are the markers of success & don’t understand why many don’t aspire to that.

Your friend sounds like a knob, and a snob! Can't believe someone would actually think that, let alone say it out loud. If you and your family are happy with your set up then stick with it. Don't buy a much bigger house than you need because of some weird peer pressure from someone who sounds quite insecure.
When the kids become teens they will likely want their own rooms (my DSis and I did after sharing as little ones). But if a guest comes to stay, they can just share again for a couple of nights and one of their rooms is used by the guest. Also, your kids will eventually grow up and move out, and you don't want to be left with a massive house to heat and clean with just 2 of you living in it.

I don't think sharing rooms (in your situation) is a sign of poverty at all. Although, I'd not be paying attention to what your friend says.

I think that being mortgage free would be amazing: it would give you more security, better opportunities to save and breathing space (particularly during these high COL times). I think that is priceless. I don't own a property but if I had the chance of either being mortgage free on a 3bed house, or borrowing more for a 4 bed house, I'd go for the former.

If in the future, you decided to turn box room into DC bedroom, then family can just bunk down on sofa bed in living room, or stay in a hotel. FWIW, I'm one of 4 siblings. My DP were definitely not poor. I shared a room with my slightly younger DB up until I was 10/11. When my elder siblings moved out/got married, we then had a room each.

It may well be a sign of poverty in some circumstances but isn't always. I have two children and the baby is going to move out of the nursery soon to share a bedroom with her sister in our 5 double bedroom house because I think it's good for siblings to share. There is a separate playroom and their room won't be at all crowded. I think they'll enjoy it and it'll promote bonding. Basically, kids share for a lot of reasons. If they're unhappy about it but the family have no other options, then it might well be a sign of poverty.

You have options and further options down the line that mean you can give the children their own rooms or move house. A spare room in the meantime so your mum can stay is also an added bonus.

Overcrowding/children living in poverty usually means the family have limited options of moving and sharing is the only option.

My children do have the own rooms but they are opposite sexes and teens, we have a box spare room, it would be nice to have a bigger spare room for the occasional guests who are a couple but I don't want to move so I happy with what we have.

Sounds like you just split the massive room in two - surrey there are two windows?

So you'd put one child in a large double room and one in a small box room?
Thats not ideal either, is it?

Many older homes have 2 larger rooms & a box room & there are thousands of old homes in the UK…

I don’t think anyone really believes that, especially when small siblings often share through choice. Maybe what she was clumsily groping for was “I can’t believe you are making your kids share indefinitely so you can have a spare room and are staying in a house where very close in age siblings are going to be split into huge double room and tiny box room when it is within your means to have a house with 2 suitably sized children’s room plus a spare room” - or something like that.
fwiw all of mine have shared as young children in various combinations according to whim but all have valued their own space as teenagers - especially in the exam years. Rightly or wrongly we made financial decisions to give them space.

Personally I would always pick mortgage free and you should use the space in your home in a way that suits you. Obviously that will change over time, but figure that out as and when

Or if one DD moves into her own room eventually, you can keep a spare bed in the big room and your Dds can share when guests come. My Dc sometimes like doing this anyway in the holidays when I don’t mind if they chat.

And a spare bed in the big room will be brilliant for sleepovers later on . One of my Dc has a spare bed ( big room) and whoever has a sleepover stays over in there with their friend. They think it’s quite fun to swap rooms like that. Whatever you do, don’t rearrange your home or get a mortgage because of a throwaway comment!