To ask if you think I’m being paranoid

[Whatfreshhell86]

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, as this is the first time I’ve considered that my husband of 7 years might be having an affair.

I received a couple of parking fines in the post today, both for unpaid parking at a hotel carpark in the city where my husband works once a week. They included photos of our shared car leaving the hotel carpark on two different dates, one week apart. There was no time stamp but it looks like daylight.

I didn’t think anything of it at first. He’s in the city today, so I sent him a photo of the letters and told him to not park in that carpark again as an FYI. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me to ask myself why he’d be going into a hotel carpark in the middle of the day two weeks
in a row. I asked him via text and he said he has a client who lives near the hotel and that he “must have” gotten there early a couple of times and parked at the hotel so as to not show up early at his clients home (his meetings are always at clients houses).

There’s something about the fact he wrote “must have” that’s set my mind mind racing. The parking fines are from dates within the last month and he only visits clients once a week so surely he’d remember exactly why he went to the carpark. “Must have” implies to me that he’s claiming he’s not exactly sure why he was there.

Again this is the first time I’ve had my suspicions and can’t think of any other things that have happened that are typical of a cheater. We use each others phones for photos, phone calls etc and he’s never once been possessive over it. He never stops over when he goes to the city and I would describe my marriage as really happy.

AIBU to be worried that there’s something suspicious about this?

Also his vague answer to her questioning “oh I must’ve - can’t really remember” (convenient memory loss) is making her (rightly) question him. He was put on the spot and floundered

I once dated a guy who turned out to be a compulsive liar. When he realised he was being caught out in his lies and he could not think of further lies to cover them, the ' Oh I can't really remember' was his back up answer.

Sorry OP, this is dodgy as hell.

My first assumption wouldn’t be affair, but more likely prostitution. If there are no other signs of an affair, look for signs of him paying a sex worker.
Did he withdraw cash on the day or day before the fines?
Lots of men use the services of sex workers and lots of them are married, most I would hazard a guess. Although I don’t have a stat to back this up, just personal experience.
Or your husband is telling you the truth… Maybe talk to him and see how he reacts.

What on earth are you on about? Naivety left me when I was a teenager I'm more of a cynic is this guy having an affair? I haven't the faintest idea but that's the point neither have you Asking strangers for advice on this subject especially as some have been cheated on now that's Naivety I hope all ends well with this couple but seeking advice here won't help

People seek advice on here all the time and find it helpful. The range of opinions is part of that. Of course none of us know the truth of the matter in OP's marriage, but she came here wanting to talk about it and hear other people's takes. Nothing wrong with that. And your advice is still given as advice even if it's not to take the advice (of anyone except you).

I would go against the grain of most and say, don't speak to him about this F2F yet. He will have time to build his story now as he's on alert and will work to make it convincing. If he is lying, asking if he's lying isn't going to help much.

See what you can find out from the hotel, check bank accounts, phone calls if you can access his phone- do your own investigations quietly first, get hard data, then confront.

I hope for your sake it's not as shady as it sounds. 🙏

What am I on about? I’d think it’s very clear from my post - what is it you struggle to understand?

The op has posted for opinions and she will get a range of answers including from those who have experienced cheating themselves and have found out about their dh’s misdemeanours from slip ups like the one she’s mentioned.

Why are you trying to close down people who respond in a way that make you uncomfortable? It IS naive to assume it’s entirely innocent and do nothing. That’s how cheaters hide in plain sight and get away with it. I’m not sure why that’s so upsetting to you.

You seem to have completely failed to understand the (successful) concept underlying Mumsnet.

😂

I would ring the hotel & ask for a copy of invoices from your previous stay. That it was booked under your husband's name.... if they are able to find bedroom reservations under his name well......

I wouldn't assume guilt. Lots of people who drive as part of their work park up to wait. Whether it's a supermarket, hotel retail park etc, they all say patrons only and lots of people don't realise they are chargeable if not a patron

You must trust us ladies 😂

No love it's buisness, just like men don't like getting ripped off, women are the same.

And the pie in the sky hiring of PI's, how do you think they stay in buisness, the majoity of casework is infedelity, it is not just in the realms of films and books, I've known four people use their services, admittedly the money stakes were high, but there you go.

And I've also got a feeling your wife may have already routed arround in your shoe rack.
If you want advice on where to hide something though, ask a woman 😂

I'm upset I'm struggling to understand? like I said before what on earth are you actually on about! Why on earth am i upset what am I struggling with? the fact that you are advising someone to root for something that might not be there on the basis that its happened to people you know? Wow! Many people on here have it cut and dried that this guy is having an affair for all I know he might be like you I don't know The trouble with strangers like you giving advice whether asked for or not once the element of doubt is planted you can move on and screw the consequences

Oh come on. do you enjoy treating women like idiots.

We credit the OP with the common sense to take in the range of advice and make her own decisions based on what's happening in her real life. No one's said anything is cut and dried. Why are strangers like us giving advice any different to strangers like you? Except that you're coming across a bit stranger.

No I actually don't

Searching for burner phones? Hiring a pi? Putting a tracker on his car? Yet it's me that's coming across a "bit stranger" okee kokee

That was one post you're fixating on. One in a mix and as such, not unhelpful, especially as that poster has since explained the real life reason behind it. To use that to go all jaw-droppy wow about how this renders all the advice needless is the weird thing. But 'okee kokee', clearly it's touched a nerve with you.

I can assure you no nerves have been touched raw or otherwise 🙄

Your worries are completely understandable. When something unusual pops up in an otherwise happy, stable relationship, it’s natural to feel unsettled. The parking fines might just be an innocent oversight, but it’s the unexplained details that seem to be feeding your concerns. The fact that he responded with “must have” sounds vague, leaving you wondering if there’s more to it.
The simplest explanation is often the right one. It could genuinely be that he didn’t think parking at the hotel was a big deal or simply didn’t remember the exact circumstances. Maybe he didn’t want to risk showing up early for a meeting, and parking there seemed convenient at the time. In fact, I've done something similar before—once, when I wasn't sure if i could park in a school car park for an interview, I parked at a nearby hotel instead, went in for a coffee, and left my car there. If he were just trying to make sure he had a safe, nearby place to park, that could fit with the explanation he’s given. Also surely he wouldn't have got a ticket if he was using the hotel?
It could be helpful to look at his behavior overall. If he’s always been open with his phone and hasn’t changed his habits, this could very well be a one-off incident. Long-standing openness and trust are generally a good foundation in a marriage.
If the “must have” phrasing didn’t sit well, it’s okay to bring it up with him calmly. You could let him know the wording made you feel uncertain and ask if he remembers more about those days. Sometimes, just having an open conversation about why something felt off to you can clear things up.
Rather than focusing too much on this single event, it might help to pay attention to any new or unusual patterns over time, like being secretive with his phone or staying out later than expected. Sometimes, these patterns tell you more than any one-off incident.
Since you feel generally happy and haven’t noticed any other red flags, it’s very possible that this is just a coincidence or a simple parking choice. But if you can’t shake the feeling, talking about it calmly and honestly may be the reassurance you need.

@indigo277

She's had a rational conversation and her mind wasn't put to rest, in fact it exacerbated her concerns.

Saying ' must have" sounds like probably, when in fact he should know exactly why he was in the hotel carpark. He only goes into town once a week, is this the same client, would there be two occasions whereby he is early and needed to park further away.

What kind of car park was it, one attatched to the hotel, underground for instance or in front of the building, how long was he there, it seems strange there is no time stamp.
In all honesty, talking calmly may not reassure her.

I would tell him that you are contesting the parking fine, and will phone the hotel for their parking charges and want time stamps from the parking fine company.

I mean you do want to save him money don't you.
By the way how much was it per fine.

These things exist, burner phones, PI's, trackers and a whole lot more, are you suggesting women are too stupid to use technology to find answers or should we leave all the techi stuff to the males.

It's very patronising.

I still wouldn't remember a month later. I doubt most people would.

Ummm...what? MN is all about asking for advice. It's a forum. For. Advice.

Sorry OP but in my experience when this happened to me my husband was meeting prostitutes.

I think your husband is innocent.
But please keep us posted.