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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you think I’m being paranoid

144 replies

Whatfreshhell86 · 30/10/2024 17:15

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, as this is the first time I’ve considered that my husband of 7 years might be having an affair.

I received a couple of parking fines in the post today, both for unpaid parking at a hotel carpark in the city where my husband works once a week. They included photos of our shared car leaving the hotel carpark on two different dates, one week apart. There was no time stamp but it looks like daylight.

I didn’t think anything of it at first. He’s in the city today, so I sent him a photo of the letters and told him to not park in that carpark again as an FYI. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me to ask myself why he’d be going into a hotel carpark in the middle of the day two weeks
in a row. I asked him via text and he said he has a client who lives near the hotel and that he “must have” gotten there early a couple of times and parked at the hotel so as to not show up early at his clients home (his meetings are always at clients houses).

There’s something about the fact he wrote “must have” that’s set my mind mind racing. The parking fines are from dates within the last month and he only visits clients once a week so surely he’d remember exactly why he went to the carpark. “Must have” implies to me that he’s claiming he’s not exactly sure why he was there.

Again this is the first time I’ve had my suspicions and can’t think of any other things that have happened that are typical of a cheater. We use each others phones for photos, phone calls etc and he’s never once been possessive over it. He never stops over when he goes to the city and I would describe my marriage as really happy.

AIBU to be worried that there’s something suspicious about this?

OP posts:
TheGirlFromTheSummerBefore · 04/11/2024 06:29

Try to find another phone. It will be in the car boot I expect.

Amba1998 · 04/11/2024 06:30

Is it ANPR? Don’t the tickets usually say what time the car arrives and what time it left? Can you tell how long he was there for?

Summerlovin24 · 04/11/2024 06:37

CoralReem · 04/11/2024 02:28

Hire a PI on the days his goes into the city.
Or put a tracker on the car.

You could follow him yourself but I doubt he would use the same hotel.

I hope it's innocent but you need to know.

This. Put a tracker on car. Act normal around him. Don't question him. People never admit affairs. Find out for yourself. You deserve the truth. It won't come from his mouth.
I'm sorry to say it but gut feelings are often correct

Withtheday · 04/11/2024 06:45

He’s either using prostitutes or it’s an affair. He could have a burner phone to use for this. Sorry OP. His excuse is not convincing. In his excitement he probably forgot to register his car reg. at reception. It’s far more likely he did this ( lots of people use businesses but forget to enter their car reg at the business) than he is so stupid he actually thought could use a hotel car park for free when he was not using the hotel.

mjdle · 04/11/2024 06:54

I do this if I'm early for a meeting, park somewhere random. Could have been different clients in a similar area so he's just used the same place he did before. If he went in the hotel he's much less likely to have missed the anpr signs and gotten a ticket, especially on two occasions. If he was that sneaky and vigilant to have burner phone, hide everything I found he'd miss that. Sounds innocent to me and he's possibly just feeling guilty about stupidly racking up tickets. This sounds like something I'd do.

Fisharenotfoods · 04/11/2024 06:56

I would ring the hotel and say you had two fines but you and your husband only stayed for one of nights. Ask if they could double check the system for your booking etc…..see if you can get any info from the hotel

Barryplopper · 04/11/2024 06:57

If he was just parked up for a while whilst waiting to go somewhere else to see a client, wouldn't he have remembered being in th3 car and someone putting a ticket on to it? Definitely sounds off x

TriangleLight · 04/11/2024 07:00

The fine gets sent out by postc@Barryplopper rather than a ticket on the car.

And it will specify the exact times of parking

TookTheBook · 04/11/2024 07:03

Whatfreshhell86 · 30/10/2024 18:22

Thanks again everyone. In answer to a couple of questions, I suppose my fear is that someone else booked a room and it didn’t occur to him that he might get fined for parking when he went in to see them.

I’m not getting much sleep at the moment because we have a small children so that could definitely be clouding my judgement either way.

I was about to ask how old your kids are.

Maybe he's sneaking off for a decent sleep away from the house. I would've given anything to do that when the babies were young. He's acting shifty because you don't have the opportunity.

FfsBrian · 04/11/2024 07:04

This is how I found out my ex was meeting people of OLD.

Wasnt a car park fine - he was captured about 40 miles away from where he should have been on a toll bridge.

It was out wedding anniversary as well.

Maria1979 · 04/11/2024 07:19

I would tread carefully. He could be cheating, but maybe not. Look at his calender to see if the dates coincide with meeting this client to start with. Then take it from there. I would just hate it if you caused problems in your otherwise happy marriage for nothing so please investigate this calmly. Not all men are bastards and I sincerely hope your's is bot one. ❤️

babyproblems · 04/11/2024 07:22

id be wondering too. Can you follow him one time and see what/where he is going. If he is having an affair, I’d expect him to be better at hiding it now.. but remember he might not be. Keep an open mind..

CousinBob · 04/11/2024 07:24

I once had a similar fine. My client had actually advised me to park in the hotel carpark, as they lived nearby in a narrow street. Said that all their visitors used it!

babyproblems · 04/11/2024 07:24

Fisharenotfoods · 04/11/2024 06:56

I would ring the hotel and say you had two fines but you and your husband only stayed for one of nights. Ask if they could double check the system for your booking etc…..see if you can get any info from the hotel

This is also good

3within3 · 04/11/2024 07:40

Could the “must have” comment been in reference to him parking there early (ie outside of parking restriction hours), rather than in reference to him parking there at all?

Doingmybest12 · 04/11/2024 07:51

I've pulled into various car parks including hotel car parks to take calls or kill time. I'm busy, out and about and wouldn't always remember the detail. I can imagine saying what he said if you asked me.

CheekySwan · 04/11/2024 08:02

Is it a car park exclusive to the hotel or is it a car park next to a hotel that general public can use?

Surprise50 · 04/11/2024 08:02

If you’ve received parking fines, the photos will be time stamped. I’ve had a few from different counties, they’ve all been time stamped. Thats how they prove your stay and make you pay.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/11/2024 08:05

CoralReem · 04/11/2024 02:28

Hire a PI on the days his goes into the city.
Or put a tracker on the car.

You could follow him yourself but I doubt he would use the same hotel.

I hope it's innocent but you need to know.

Well - if it's innocent, the relationship is certainly over following that course of action

Withtheday · 04/11/2024 08:05

Goodness. Reading these replies it’s really easy to see how so many men get away with affairs.

You can’t spot cheating men from non-cheating men. The good, decent ones cheat too. Sorry, but I’ve lived long enough and seen enough to have learnt this unhappy truth. I knew someone, a smart, strong women, who believed her husband even when the OW contacted her. Believed his crap that the OW was a random troll. Two more OW had to appear from the woodwork over the years before she accepted her ‘not my Nigel’ was a cheat, and another again before she realised the cheating would never stop.

Men will not confess to cheating until they realise the evidence against them is undeniable.

How people can say how repeatedly using a hotel car park in the day and then having a vague dodgy reply as to why is not suspicious is beyond me. The rationalizations offered up on this thread to pretend he was not cheating are not convincing.

OP, your only consolation is that your H seems new to this cheating malarkey to have fucked up so badly, so early.

And sorry, but there are men who cheat as they need ‘an escape, something for themselves’ when the kids are young.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/11/2024 08:13

Any news OP

NewFriendlyLadybird · 04/11/2024 08:14

Surely if he was actually using the hotel he would have entered his registration number at reception to get free parking. Or at least been asked to pay for it.

I agree that ‘must have’ sounds a bit suspicious, but it also could be covering up the fact that he’s been trying to get away with parking in random places for free and not getting away with it.

IAmNotALoon · 04/11/2024 08:17

Might be innocent op. It is possible to get a parking ticket if you just enter a car park and then leave immediately, if there is no space or you are just using the car park to turn around. It is even possible to get a parking ticket if you don't enter a carpark if you get snapped by the APNR on the entrance to the car park ( perhaps turning around in the entrance). People have received parking tickets if they just drive through a carpark to then park in another area where you can park for free. Private parking companies are operating a complete racket and scamming the public out of billions. There are no timestamps which looks like a parking scam. Is it possible that your husband drove around looking for somewhere to park ( I can understand why he would not want to park outside someone's house for a long time, it could look quite weird and suspicious to neighbours). This could explain why he can't remember exactly what he did. Do some snooping on Google maps etc to check what's possible. If it's innocent you might be able to fight the parking fines but that's a whole lot of other stress!

Wobblyheart · 04/11/2024 08:20

It does sound suspicious but when we received our parking fine - neither myself nor my husband could remember why we went there. Turned out we didn't - we only drove in and out and the ticket was in mistake.

We worked it out from looking at my Google movement history.

Dollybantree · 04/11/2024 08:21

Withtheday · 04/11/2024 08:05

Goodness. Reading these replies it’s really easy to see how so many men get away with affairs.

You can’t spot cheating men from non-cheating men. The good, decent ones cheat too. Sorry, but I’ve lived long enough and seen enough to have learnt this unhappy truth. I knew someone, a smart, strong women, who believed her husband even when the OW contacted her. Believed his crap that the OW was a random troll. Two more OW had to appear from the woodwork over the years before she accepted her ‘not my Nigel’ was a cheat, and another again before she realised the cheating would never stop.

Men will not confess to cheating until they realise the evidence against them is undeniable.

How people can say how repeatedly using a hotel car park in the day and then having a vague dodgy reply as to why is not suspicious is beyond me. The rationalizations offered up on this thread to pretend he was not cheating are not convincing.

OP, your only consolation is that your H seems new to this cheating malarkey to have fucked up so badly, so early.

And sorry, but there are men who cheat as they need ‘an escape, something for themselves’ when the kids are young.

Couldn’t agree more.

I read some of the answers on threads like this and just inwardly roll my eyes at the naivety. I think it must be from being a bit older and having seen this play out time and time again!

Men like this are very adept at leading double lives and even when you present them with evidence will lie and gaslight their way out of it.

When the married man I was seeing (I didn’t know he was married) was found out by his DW (by her receiving a fine as per the op and then digging around and finding his secret phone) he only admitted to it when she had irrefutable evidence (our messages) and even then he told her: I had relentlessly pursued him, was a nymphomaniac, he’d tried to stop seeing me and I tried to kill myself, I was thick/ugly/he just felt sorry for me (all this told to me by his DW). She only had to look at our messages to know none of this was true but Ive heard she stayed with him. I really don’t understand it and feel extremely sorry for her.