Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

I’ve also been in this situation, for someone with whom I was mutual bridesmaid AND godmother to each others children.

Again, late 40s, a ‘cool’ new crowd who parties a lot until 7am, one of whom was horrible to me the one time I met her.

It broke my heart but I have distant-friend zoned her now, super friendly in a slightly detached way when I occasionally see her, which weirdly seems to annoy her - I think she got a bizarre kick out of seeing me bewildered-ly being there for her and still adoring her for a good few years until I realised how humiliating it all was.

I just would not bother at all, not even a text message. Not a sausage.

I like that idea!

And as for her comment "And later made a comment that I was not being quite myself." well, that sums it up really - How dare you complain!! She has you pigeonholed as an acquiescent person who will listen faithfully to all her drama, offer and provide help, spoil her, but she's not up for returning that to you. I expect she is keen to get you back on side as I doubt she's got anyone else to fulfill that role for her now. But you're wise now, you are so much better off without her.

She regards you as a convenience, not a friend.

I had a friend like this, supported her through serious illness, visited her in hospital when other people couldn't be bothered, you name it. She then mentioned giving thank you gifts to people who'd supported her - and I didn't get one.

I think she regretted taking me so much for granted but in a way I'm glad she showed how little she valued me because it was easier to cut ties.

Oh it’s rubbish when you realise someone doesn’t see a friendship the same way you do.

You sound lovely and it’s her loss.

I had a friend once who I bent over backwards to support, for years. When I needed support, didn’t see her for dust. I dropped her.

I had a lot of respect for her, but it was actually the way they were with her that made me feel more guarded. They spoke to her very disrespectfully and embarrassed her in front of me. I honestly wondered at the time why she bothers with them.

We were at a drinks thing, and they were there. I have known them for years hence the mutual friends term, but they are not close friends of mine at all, I am nice but I am wary of them.

What a weird dynamic between her and her new friends. It sounds like she wants desperately to be their friend and is cutting off her old, slightly less cool friends to do so - but they can see right through her and think it's a bit pathetic and embarrassing.

I wouldn't bother tbh. I would really not make any more effort with her. She humiliated you already. Shes two faced

This. Or just a text. It sounds very hurtful. Sometimes you never know why. Mostly better not questioning it and moving on.

My thoughts on her apology & why you find it hard to accept and just go back to how your friendship was: you cannot apologise for hurt that you caused on purpose.

Her apology is therefore meaningless. Don't send her anything. Sorry to say she's just been using you for years. Dump her.

She is a birthday text level friend. Absolutely no present, and she had some nerve to challenge YOUR behaviour for asking!!
if she does decide you’re worth it and does more than token chasing, you get to decide whether you feel like it will be a friendship or if she just wants her comfortable doormat back.
if she says no present?? You need to say no, I usually get friends flowers but they don’t usually use them to decorate for the party they haven’t invited me to, so obviously I can’t do flowers.
you may need some blunt statements. ‘I have realised how much you take me for granted and it makes me see us quite differently. I am a very giving person but I need to focus that giving on two way relationships.’

Sorry off topic but I really admire your directness in letting your friend know you had a problem, I could definitely use a pinch of this in my life!

If you feel her apology was sincere I wouldn’t throw away the friendship…although I’d definitely scale it back a bit!

Text her 2 days after and just give her an empty "we must meet up " then leave it at that don't bother next year

I agree with those saying just send a text as she did on your birthday.
It's hard to deal with these things when you are a nice person and goes against your better nature but it is quite liberating .

I had someone do this to me and I felt really hurt and humiliated but, after that subsided, I felt better for standing my ground and not letting it go unchallenged.
Be strong!

Hi OP the very same thing has happened to me in the past with someone I considered to be a very close female friend. We used to have lots of special days out and meals out etc maybe every month or two. A couple of years ago I asked her if she had any birthday plans and she said no she would be working all weekend instead but then at the weekend all over social media were pictures of her with loads of her female friends at her birthday party. It looked as though it was at a hotel in a separate dining room,.looked very lavish and well planned etc. The friendship had been dwindling over covid etc but I was so hurt and devastated I've not seen her since seeing those photographs and friend hasnt been in touch either. She obviously didn't consider me to be one of her closest friends which did hurt. However afterwards I thought about it and realised that I'd got into a bit of a rut with my marriage and probably had moaned a bit about day to day stuff. Also that when we did meet up it was just to talk about things that had happened rqtyer than creating any new melmeties if thay makes sense and I realised j didn't 100% trust her anymore so I actually ended up realising that the friendship had already run out of steam before her big birthday party that I hadn't been invited to.

She is semi famous now - reality tv - and it's weird occasionally seeing her in the media. But I think many friendships are transient and I remember the good times we had earlier on and try to be grateful for that.

In your shoes I would definitely put myself first and be my own best friend xx

I choose my friends for their character, humour and shared values etc and it wouldn’t occur to me to choose someone for material reasons, for invites or convenience. I have never clinically weighed up my friends like that and how they can serve me, or my interests.

It makes me feel a little stupid and naive to have trusted those around me had the best of intentions without checking.

I should have really paid attention when she criticised her birthday present, and didn’t seem impressed.

I would be hurt too. Maybe try and have a think from your own perspective. When you were close, did you truly get enough from the friendship or was it more you giving and her taking? If so then cool it, send a card, stay civil and see why happens. Either she makes a proper effort or the friendship dies. If you decide you did get something from the friendship then send a card, agree to meet for lunch if that’s still on the cards and go from there? But see it as a sign to prioritise yourself more and take no shit.

A text will suffice. You will feel like a mug if you do anything more.

I should have really paid attention when she criticised her birthday present, and didn’t seem impressed

OMG how bloody rude of her. The only appropriate response to a gift is "thank you". And she didn't manage to sort you a present at all because she was "holding onto it".

Let her enjoy her next birthday with her cool friends who are horrible to her. See how she likes them apples.

See how she likes them apples 🍎 🍏 🍎

🤣🤣!!

Ouch, that really would clinch it for me. The flowers attend but you don't? Send a birthday text, if you must but it sounds like you'd simply be prolonging a friendship that needs its band aid ripped off.

Op she is a really really bad friend. Her reasons are pathetic and clearly unbelievable. She treated you very badly and did this openly in front of mutual friends. I would actually have the last say though by not sending her anything. Treat her like she treats you and then walk away: I've had a 'friend' like her. They are secretly very jealous of you, yet keep you close enough to gaslight you yet hurt you. I'm sure if you sit and think about it, she has done this many times in very sly and underhanded ways.

She uninvited you. Definitely step back. Look at her actions. I had a friend who often wanted to meet up with our children but I felt like a useful play date. Then in an adult situation she invited a few people on a night out obviously didn’t ask me. It was awkward. Now I believe she wonders where I’ve gone as I’ve quietly backed away. I would send the birthday message and back off.